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      "body": "Congratulations @mickrmurray! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@mickrmurray/birthday2.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 2 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@mickrmurray) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=mickrmurray)_</sub>\n\n\n**Do not miss the last post from @steemitboard:**\n<table><tr><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemfest/@steemitboard/steemfest-meet-the-stemians-contest-the-mysterious-rule-revealed\"><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/64x128/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmasWw4jQHwxng82DKxY6Q6tVg9mWcto4xcDURs8knFgCa/image.png\"></a></td><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemfest/@steemitboard/steemfest-meet-the-stemians-contest-the-mysterious-rule-revealed\">SteemFest Meet The Stemians Contest - The mysterious rule revealed</a></td></tr></table>\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "Book Reviews – Team of Teams and Reinventing Organizations\n\n![51zT4gdVGyL._SX329_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmRqn9SsiniVCSpL1JerDidqLpAkHzC6KtsWjGJdXxurX8/51zT4gdVGyL._SX329_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg)\n\nI just read two books (Team of Teams and Reinventing Organizations) that very much go hand in hand… in the same way that Factfulness and Abundance correlated strongly.  Both books focus on organizations as reflections of worldview, culture, and modern complexity.  \n\nTeam of Teams, written principally by General Stanley McChrystal, chronicles the US Joint Special Operations Task Force’s development as they battled Al Qaida in Iraq in the mid-2000s.  The book focuses on the shift from traditional organizational hierarchy and systems to achieve maximum efficiency, to an arrangement that enables ‘shared consciousness’ and ‘empowered execution’ which in turn increases organizational adaptability – a necessary characteristic for nearly every organization in light of the complexity of the modern world.  \n\nMain takeaways: \n\n•\tThe world today is not just complicated, it is complex, and this distinction is critically important for organizations.  A clock is complicated – the way that all the parts work together to produce something precise to within a millionth of a second.  But the weather is complex, rendering predictions less certain by many orders of magnitude.  A computer is complicated.  The human brain is complex.  The difference arises from how many components interact with one another.  In 1850, before the widespread use of the telegraph, the world was complicated, because the interactions between people were limited by distance.  Today, we live in an increasingly complex world because billions of people are interconnected like a neural network that operates at the speed of light.  Modern complexity means the self-immolation of one man in Sidi bou Said, Tunisia sparks the overthrow of multiple dictators and one of the bloodiest civil wars in recent history.  Complexity means that organizations must be able to adapt much more frequently and holistically than ever before, otherwise they risk becoming a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, and by the time they have received approval to become a round peg, the hole has iterated from being a circle to an oval, then a triangle, then a star… and is about to become a pentagon.  \n\n•\tTo become an organization that can adapt quickly, you must have two things: trust, and common purpose.  \n1. Trust means that we invest much time and effort in developing the next generation of leaders so that decision-making can be pushed out to the wings of the organization.  If I, as a leader, don’t trust the members of my team, then the fault lies principally with me as I have not adequately cultivated their character and/or their requisite skills, or helped them transition into their next adventure in life.  Empowered execution, where more people have more power to make big decisions, is essential for an organization to keep pace with a complex society.  If decisions have to move up and down several layers of bureaucracy before being acted upon, it is likely they have become irrelevant before they are finally rolled out.  \n2. Common purpose means that an organization has a shared consciousness.  Companies used to be able to specialize to such a granular level that a person might be hired on to turn one lever on an assembly line, and would have little to no knowledge of how the whole widget was put together, packaged, marketed, sold, delivered, and serviced.  Today, organizations can no longer afford to stratify their labor force to that degree of specificity.  Rather, they need generalists who understand the vision, mission, and general protocol that governs the organization so that they are equipped to handle any number of unpredictable scenarios in our vastly interconnected world.  \n3. The Ritz Carlton provides a wonderful case study of the intersection of these two concepts.  For decades their employees, down to the janitor, have been entrusted with the ability to comp guests up to $3000 to deal with complaints.  To sanction the man who cleans the toilets with that kind of pecuniary power means he needs to understand the overall mission of the company so that he exercises proper judgment.  That requires investment in his personal development.  The thinking, however, is that by the time the guest’s concern has traveled up and down the chain of command, the guest might be lost to the company forever, costing the hotel far more in lost revenue than the occasional errant misuse of company funds by a bellhop trying to pacify a weary and irritable businessman.  \n\n•\tTo that end, not empowering your employees, and not investing in transparent communication to promote shared consciousness means that employees have to stick with the standard operating procedure (SOP).  Embedded in a system that is increasingly complex, employees run the risk of ‘doing things right’ (i.e. sticking with the plan handed down to them) instead of ‘doing the right thing’ (that is, doing what is most beneficial to the organization, which, because of complexity, can’t be predicted).  An effort to predict an increasing number of possible scenarios an employee might encounter has resulted in company manuals and SOPs that are hundreds, even thousands of pages long.  Some organizations have rewritten the rules into a set of values that fit onto a single page that can be applied with discretion by team members with shared consciousness, or alignment, and who have been empowered to innovate.  \n\n•\tLastly, it means that leaders today need to be less like battlefield commanders issuing a steady stream of directives, and more like gardeners who are consistently cultivating those in their care.  \n\n\nIn Reinventing Organizations, Frederic Laloux holds that organizations tend to mirror the prevailing worldview of the day, and he codes organizational structure by color, corresponding to a specific epoch in the evolution of human society.  He contends that we are shifting out of the era of Orange institutions (characterized by centralized, meritocratic machinery) where the goal is to beat the competition and to achieve profit and growth, into the age of Teal organizations, which are distinguished by self-organization, wholeness, and evolutionary purpose, and where the goal is contribute holistically to the global human endeavor.  \n\nMain takeaways:\n\n•\tWhile I disagree with Laloux’s underlying philosophy, I do generally agree with his approach to self-organization.  He contends that organizational practices are the byproducts of a set of beliefs.  If people are fundamentally distrustful, then company policies and procedures will be adopted to curb errant human behavior.  If people are generally trustworthy, however, organizational culture will reflect this belief.  To this point, one company ran a study that showed the enforcement of certain punitive policies was costing the company more money than the value of the articles they were designed to protect.  While this isn’t always the case, the point is that our preconceived notions about the world and about people directly influence our institutional structures.  A movement toward a more trusting organizational ethos (and significant investment to help create that culture) means that companies are able to self-organize, or, in the verbiage used above, push decision-making out to the wings.  \n\n•\tIn the movie Cinderella Man, there is a gruff man of business who, after deciding to prioritize profit over certain men who are suffering the effects of the Great Depression, says that his brain is for business, whereas his heart is for his family.  Many people today no longer desire to make that distinction.  They want to bring their whole heart, soul, and mind to their work – hence the idea that Teal organizations are defined by wholeness.\n\n•\tAnd concerning evolutionary purpose, a point that loosely connects with the idea of complexity, the thinking is that organizations can and must consistently adapt.  This happens most effectively in self-organized institutions where the folks on the front lines, who are in touch with social trends, have the ability to act with lightning speed on these developments.  And they do so with their hearts, and not just their brains, meaning that the metrics of success have more depth to them than mere dollars.  Rather, success can be measured in terms of social development, environmental impact, or the proliferation of truth and beauty, to name a few examples.  \n\nNeither book was written with the church in mind, I don’t doubt.  But I feel that many of these takeaways apply to the church.  The world is increasingly complex and the church doesn’t exist in a vacuum.  Entrusted with timeless Truth, we are called to engage a dynamic society with savvy cunning to leverage the world’s systems for eternal purposes (c.f. Luke 16:1-9, esp. v. 8).  How can we flatten the systems that push the church further out into society, empowering individuals to make decisions based on the unpredictable complexity that we are bound to encounter?  How can we develop those coming up through the ranks so that we quickly replace ourselves?  How can we bring all that we are into every meeting, sales call, and family dinner?  \n\nI’m open to all thoughts on the subject!  I believe it’s not only highly relevant, but critical to our effectiveness as the 21st century church.  May we be like the sons of Issachar, who ‘understood the times,’ and then bring the heart of David to bear on them.",
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      "body": "It doesn’t take long when talking with someone who is skeptical of the Christian faith for the topic of pain to emerge.  For that matter, it isn’t uncommon for someone who has faithfully followed Christ for years to be shaken in their belief in a good God amid trauma.  \n\nI’m not setting out to formulate a treatise on pain and suffering in this post, but I do want to share a story that, to me at least, illustrates one possible angle from which to look at things like loss, tragedy, and disappointment… and how to reconcile the inevitable agony of life with the character of a good, present, and loving Father.  \n\nI have four sons.  The oldest, Aidan, turned 8 a couple of weeks ago.  This story is about him when he was just about eighteen months old.  My wife was either pregnant or had just had our second child –  my memory fails me at the moment – and I was outside with Aidan to give Steph some breathing room.  Our house was elevated above street level by several feet which meant our driveway sloped down at a pretty steep angle.  As was customary, Aidan was running around our yard, burning off his boundless toddler energy.  At some point, he ran onto our sloping driveway and was headed toward the street when he tripped and fell.  Most people instinctively put their hands out when they are falling to break the fall, but Aidan threw his arms back like superman and he landed on his face.  To be more specific, he landed on his front tooth.  From where I stood, I could hear the distinctive snap of bone on concrete, and as he rolled over I immediately saw fragments of tooth on his lips and tongue.  Most of the damage was initially obscured by blood, but I could tell that he had at very least sheered his front tooth in half.  \n\nI scooped him up and I entered the house as calmly as I could with a bleeding and hysterical toddler, and I tried my best to play it cool for Steph, as I didn’t want to upset her unnecessarily, acting as though this sort of incident was routine. \n After cleaning him up as best we could, I called a dentist friend of mine in Oklahoma to get his professional opinion as to which action we should take next.  From the pictures I texted him, he confirmed that we needed to take him to a pediatric oral surgeon to have the remainder of the tooth extracted, and to ensure that his jaw wasn’t broken.  \n\nAfter our consultation with the surgeon, he confirmed that yes, indeed, we would need to remove the fragment of tooth that remained so that it wouldn’t get infected, and that, somewhat miraculously, nothing else had been damaged according to the X-rays.  He presented us with two treatment options:\n\n1.\tWe could fully sedate him, and they would extract the tooth\nor\n2.\tOr we could give him a local anesthetic and extract the tooth while he was awake\n\nWe were assured that, though option two would be very uncomfortable for him, he would not likely remember it, and since we were paying out of pocket and option one was more expensive by an order of magnitude, we opted for the local anesthetic. \n\nWhen the day arrived to have the procedure, Steph nominated me to accompany Aidan.  Though it was a simple extraction, it was still quite a process to prepare him because of the way it had sheared up into the gum.  Finally, the time arrived for the surgery and we made our way back to the operating room.  They had already given him a sedative, because of which he had temporarily fallen asleep, and now I laid his little body on the operating table (see picture above) so they could inject his gums with Novocain.  The doctor informed me they would probably need my help once they put the instrument in his mouth to pull the root out of its socket.  They explained that he would need to be held still so that he wouldn’t cause further pain or damage by thrashing about.  Sure enough, as soon as the nurses restrained him and he saw a gleaming piece of metal moving toward his face, he fully awoke and fought back with passion.  With wide, terrified eyes he writhed and screamed and the staff was clearly struggling to hold him still enough to get the apparatus in his mouth.  The nurses motioned for me to literally climb on top of him to hold him down: my chest on his chest, my leg hooked over his legs.  The nurses held his arms and his head in a vice grip.  My face was just about 8 inches from his.  He couldn’t talk much yet at 18 months old – not much more than ‘dada’ –  but his big blue eyes communicated well enough in that moment.  They said, ‘you’re a TRAITOR!  I trusted you, and it turns out you’re one of THEM!  You could get me out of this.  Why are you DOING THIS TO ME?!’  It broke my heart.  I began to whisper to him:\n\t\n‘I love you buddy… I’m right here… I’m not going anywhere… we’re going to get through this together… you’re my boy… you don’t understand right now, but if we don’t do this, if we don’t go through this pain, it will likely get infected and cause you a whole world of hurt in the future… I love you… I’m right here…’\n\nAnd just as quickly as they got the instrument in his mouth, the doctor made one firm movement and the root pulled free.  They immediately gave him something like sugar water and he was as happy as a clam, as if nothing ever happened!  He seemed to make a full recovery within minutes, and went bounding back out to the car with a sucker, a little box bearing the tooth fragment, and handful of stickers to mark his experience.\n\nA couple weeks later I found myself reflecting on that day, and something like the following conversation ensued: \n\nMe: “God, that whole interaction between me and Aidan was a lot like how You and I function, huh?”\n\nGod: “Yep.  I have a perspective you don’t have.  Just like how Aidan at eighteen months couldn’t possibly comprehend the idea of an infection, and how you, as his father, knew it was the most loving course of action to have the tooth extracted… so I see the whole playing field and possess a level of understanding you simply do not have.  As a loving Father, I know the things that need to be extracted now so they don’t cause major damage in the years to come.”\n\nMe: “I get that on a conceptual level, but man, the pain can be so intense.”\n\nGod: “Yes, it can.  But remember, just like how you were with Aidan, I am with you, speaking to you.  Many people accuse me in their place of pain, just like Aidan accused you with his eyes.  But if you listen closely, you will hear My heart for you.  The more you get to know Me, the more you will be able to trust me when I’m restraining you, knowing that, ultimately, it’s for your good.”\n\nI can’t say that now I celebrate immediately whenever life is hard, but my level of trust in God’s wisdom, and, more importantly, in His love for me, has steadily increased over the years on the heels of this revelation, and others like it.\n\nMay it be so for you as well.  May your trust in the Father’s great wisdom, together with his tender love, only deepen with time.  And may the words of Paul in Romans 5:2-5 become a living reality for you, in an ever-increasing manner for the rest of your life.    \n\n“Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Rom 5:2-5",
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      "body": "Before reading this post, take a moment to test your knowledge of global trends by taking this short quiz:\n\nhttp://forms.gapminder.org/s3/test-2018  \n\n![b.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmQt5VV8WDiKcSAYn7AtFvJaQUZUuKGEDqBLCJAuE7aMQf/b.jpg)\n\nDo you find yourself becoming numb to the daily barrage of terrible news?  With frequent bombings, mass shootings, effects of climate change, racism, war, the threat of war, and so on, it becomes easy to form a rather dismal outlook on life.  A recent Pew Research Center survey across 44 different nations shows that 2 out of 3 people polled are discouraged concerning the direction of their nation.  A different survey by the same organization shows that half of those polled believe that life is worse today for them than for people like them in their country 50 years ago.  It’s rare to find a public opinion poll about the trajectory of the US, or of the world, that shows belief in positive global trends.    \n\n![l.png](https://steemitimages.com/DQmWZgbVUgKa7EERrdQuLdT6SXDDkoXZEWagno5BqY4mexW/l.png)\n\nI remember being blown away the first time I ever saw a large photomosaic, where a larger image is made of many thousands of much smaller images.  In a photomosaic, the smaller photos may or may not have anything to do with the larger picture, but they play their one small part in forming the whole.  If you zoom in and look at the individual shots for very long, you can forget what the larger image is altogether.  \n\nWe tend to do the same thing with global trends.  Because we live our lives on timescales as small as seconds, minutes, days, and years, we don’t readily see what is happening over decades, centuries, and millennia.  The small portrait we see today (largely influenced by the news media which is predicated on sensationalism – and I’m not placing all the blame on the media as they create the content we demand) becomes our perception of reality.  \n\nEnter 2 paradigm-shifting books.  \nIn Factfulness, the late Swedish physician Hans Rosling deals with the mindsets that predispose us toward a negative outlook on life, and he gives ‘ten reasons why things are better than you think.’  His book is underwritten by reams of data from the UN and is a fantastic, entertaining, and highly informative read.  If you didn’t do so well on the quiz at the beginning of the post, you might want to check out his book!  \nAbundance, by Peter Diamandis and Steven Kotler, touches on the mindsets elaborated on in Factfulness, but does a deep dive into profiling the individuals, technologies, and organizations creating change around the world, while detailing the systemic changes our planet’s most vulnerable individuals still need to create a world of abundance for all.  \n\nI have been greatly moved by both books for a number of reasons:\n1.\tMy own biases have been exposed.  I didn’t realize how much I have let our culture determine how I view the world.  \n2.\tThe data and anecdotes presented are incredibly hopeful.  But while they are hopeful, they are not ‘pie in the sky’ as they are backed by highly reputable data.  \n3.\tMost pointedly, however, I have been reflecting on Genesis 1 and 2 and how God gave mankind stewardship of the earth.  In this light, Christians, in my opinion, should lead the way not only in evangelism and discipleship, but also in providing potable water for the world’s poorest billion without access to clean drinking water.  The church (note: the people, not the institutions) should be pioneers and innovators in renewable energy, agriculture, healthcare, and every other field discussed in Abundance where we need breakthrough to alleviate suffering and to elevate quality of life in every corner of the globe.  The people of God are called to care for souls, yes, but also for the systems that support the souls.  \n\nMay our own mindsets become increasingly Biblical and influenced by what is actually happening all around us today.  If you end up reading either of these books, I would love to hear your feedback!",
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      "body": "![IMG_0700.JPG](https://steemitimages.com/DQmWLXoiJyu99J8nrF8KkkTAxYmFxcjigC5fVwqrqTY8GXa/IMG_0700.JPG)\n\nOne evening, nearly 20 years ago now, I sat across from my dad in our living room and explained through tears that I was concerned for his soul.  You see, I had recently had a profound spiritual experience and become a follower of Christ after having grown up an atheist, and I was beginning to see the world differently.  To be sure, I was young, zealous, and unstudied… but I very quickly possessed an authentic burden for my family members to know and experience what I had come to know and experience.  My dad, an atheist at the time, listened patiently and proceeded to systematically dismember my newfound faith with a series of pointed logical arguments, most of which dealing with the problem of pain.  I was speechless.  I didn’t have a response to his thoughts and observations which he had clearly pondered deeply for decades.  Despite feeling totally dejected after our conversation, my faith wasn’t shaken.  I don’t know why.  The very same questions he asked me then, in 1998, are the ones that plague me now.  I find myself daily wrestling with the fundamental questions concerning pain, suffering, and evil – and all the attending philosophical offshoots – and ending up with more questions than answers after each struggle.  \n\nI’m learning, however, there is a unique beauty and even blessing in the (often extreme!) tension.  Though much remains that I do not understand, I have come to learn a few things that I would like to pass on here concerning the problem of pain.  These insights are the fruit of a system of thought that is deeply rooted in the Christian faith and Biblical scriptures, in which, I believe, exists a cohesive framework for perceiving reality and understanding the human condition.  And while an academic approach to the problem of pain is noble and necessary at times, I have found that metaphors and anecdotes often open a back door to the chambers of wisdom and knowledge.  After all, according to CS Lewis, though “reason is the natural organ of truth, …imagination is the organ of meaning.”  Therefore, this post will explore at least one aspect of pain through the lens of a father’s relationship to his son.  \n\nSeveral years ago, when my oldest son, Aidan, was about 18 months old, my wife asked me to take him outside to play while she tended to our son, Paxton, who we had just brought home from the hospital.  We lived on a piece of property that sat up about 7 feet above street level, which meant that our driveway was steeply inclined near the road.  Aidan was running around aimlessly, as toddlers are wont to do, and he began to stray toward the end of the driveway.  As he ran downhill, he began to lose control as his big toddler head tipped his center of balance downhill.  Most people instinctively put their hands out to break their fall when they trip, but Aidan as Aidan fell, he flung his arms back like he expected to take flight at the last moment and avoid the impending impact.  I couldn’t exactly see it from where I stood, but I heard the sound of bone scraping and breaking on concrete.  I ran up as he rolled over to see that he had somehow landed on his mouth, and in particular his front tooth.  His momentum and weight, along with the downhill angle and the concrete, combined to provide enough force to shear his tooth up into the gum.  Through the blood I could see tooth fragments on his lip and tongue.  I scooped him up and carried him in the house, trying at the last moment to replace my panic with a look of calm, as if this sort of thing happened regularly, so as to not completely freak out my wife!  “Hey, sweetheart, Aidan had a fall and scraped up his mouth a bit.  No big deal… I’ll get it taken care of.”  You know how that goes.  “Oh, and he might have fractured his tooth and maybe even his jaw.”  As if the blood and screaming hadn’t already given us away.  \n\nAt any rate, I got on the phone with a friend of mine who is a dentist in another city and he affirmed that we were going to need to see a surgeon to get the remaining shard of tooth and root extracted so that it wouldn’t get infected, and to make sure that no additional bones were broken.  I contacted a local pediatric oral surgeon and we scheduled a time to meet.  She ensured me over the phone that I didn’t need to rush him to the ER, but that we didn’t want to wait too long to stave off the risk of infection.  So we scheduled an appointment for some time in the next couple of days.  In the meantime, I got him cleaned up and after some ice and children’s Tylenol, he returned to a somewhat normal state for an 18-month-old.  \n\nAfter a few days elapsed, we took him to his appointment where the surgeon informed us that a simple procedure to remove the remaining tooth fragment and root was all that was needed, and that no further damage to the bone structure had been done.  She explained that we had two options: one that would fully sedate him, and another that just used a local to numb the pain.  She said even though he would be awake if we chose the second option, he wouldn’t feel much and probably wouldn’t remember the whole ordeal in the end, though he certainly wouldn’t like it in the moment.  Since we were paying out of pocket and the local anesthetic was cheaper by orders of magnitude, we went with that option, scheduling the procedure for a day the following week.  \n\n![IMG_1902.JPG](https://steemitimages.com/DQmeQWm6mNbzJZ6p7DQVnov3gje9ehxihxE7Lg3enbmseh6/IMG_1902.JPG)\nAt that first visit to assess the damage\n\nWhen that day rolled around, I showed up at the surgeon’s office with an unsuspecting toddler in tow.  I filled out and signed the paperwork and then sat waiting to be called while Aidan played with the bead maze and flipped through books that he held upside down.  A nurse came out with a syringe full of medicine that she gave to Aidan to make him drowsy.  After a few more minutes, another nurse directed us to smaller room with a TV and a sofa where we watched Pixar’s Cars until the medicine took effect.  Aidan fell asleep on my chest and when the next nurse who poked her head in saw he was asleep, she smiled and said it was time to bring him back to the operating room. \n\nI carried his small limp body into a sterile surgical room and laid him on the bed in the middle which was surrounded by a small team of waiting nurses and a masked oral surgeon.  The room had been darkened, accentuating the brightly lit bed, where my son was groggily becoming aware of his new circumstances.  The doctor informed me that he would soon give Aidan a shot of Novocain to locally deaden the gums around where he would be extracting the tooth, and that when he did, Aidan would likely wake up and not be thrilled about the pain in his mouth.  He told me that from there they would quickly restrain him and pull out the tooth fragment with the plyers, but that they may need my help holding him down since his head had to be still to prevent further aggravation.  \n\nSure enough, as soon as they stuck the needle in his gums, it was like someone lit a fire in his mouth and he was instantly fully awake and in a panic.  A nurse held his legs, another his head.  The doctor leaned over his mouth with the plyers but had to stop to ask for my help.  As Aidan screamed and thrashed, the doctor asked if I would lay across his chest and hold down his arms.  I obediently stretched my body diagonally across the table to where my chest was on his chest and I held down his arms with mine.  I kept my feet on the floor so as not to crush him with my weight.  I was shocked at his strength as he arched his back and kicked.  I wondered if baby Samson had been as hostile.  The angle placed my face about eight inches from his, and as the doctor brought the plyers close to his mouth, Aidan’s look changed from one of terror to one of accusation.\n\nAt 18 months old, he couldn’t really say much, but what he lacked in his ability to communicate with his mouth, he made up for with his eyes.  He looked at me in such a way as to say, “I knew it… you’re one of them!  Traitor!  I thought you were for me, that you loved me, but I was wrong.  You don’t care about me, you don’t care that I’m in pain!”  In response, I leaned in a little closer and began to whisper, “I’m here buddy!  I love you and you’re going to be ok.  I know you don’t understand, but we have to go through this.  I have a perspective you don’t have.  If we don’t get the tooth out now, it’s going to get infected and cause you even greater pain down the road.  Trust me.  I’m with you in this.  I love you.  You’re gonna be ok!”\n\nAs I attempted to comfort my son with those words, the doctor was able to reach in with the plyers, grab hold of the tooth, and pull it free with relative ease.  There was a little blood which was quickly tended to and Aidan began to calm down.  Once he was given a sucker, you wouldn’t have known he had been screaming for his life just a few moments earlier.  All was right with the world once again.  He pranced out of the operating room like a little boy who had just woken up on Christmas morning… probably an effect of the drugs and the sugar.    \n\n![IMG_1313 - Copy.JPG](https://steemitimages.com/DQmRAfnM8Sqcp1VJVTzCmWL5BYUuKP1Mx3TwhvxZtrTYejd/IMG_1313%20-%20Copy.JPG)\nNot long after the tooth extraction \n\nIt wasn’t until weeks later that I began to see that whole experience through a metaphorical lens as it concerns the character of God.  Throughout that particular series of events, I maintained a perspective as an adult that Aidan simply didn’t have.  My age and experience enabled me to see the world differently than Aidan considering his relative youth.  I knew that he had a problem that, had it been left unattended to, would have most certainly caused him greater injury later in life.  As a result, I was willing to subject him to a little pain now to avoid significant pain later.  What was required of him throughout our process was a simple trust in my understanding of how the world works, along with my beneficence and care regarding his well-being.  His faith in my favorable disposition toward him could have tempered his anxiety.  Would it have lessened the pain?  No.  Pain is pain.  But it would have enabled me to comfort him and encourage him of a brighter future devoid of the tooth fragment.  Vision gives pain purpose.  I stood tall enough to see over the fence of hardship and relay a message of hope to him who lacked the stature and maturity to see what lay ahead.  I needed him to look at me instead of his pain.  \n\nEasier said than done, I know.  But all of this is true as it relates to our position in God’s family.  He stands tall enough to see over the fence of chronic illness, joblessness, premature death, evil intent, deprivation, loneliness, betrayal, and more.  He sees beyond and relays to us a message of hope.  He asks that we look to him instead of our trial, and to look with eyes of trust and not accusation.  To trust that his disposition toward us is one of favor and not of contempt.  And that he possesses the requisite wisdom to ensure that all things really do work together for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purpose.  He invites us to lean in and to hear him whisper, “I’m here buddy!  I love you and you’re going to be ok.  I know you don’t understand, but we have to go through with this.  I have a perspective you don’t have.  If we don’t deal with this issue now, it’s going to fester inside of you and cause you even greater pain down the road.  Trust me.  I’m with you in this.  I love you.  You’re gonna be ok!”\n\nNow, for the Christian, we can be sure of this hope because of God’s victory over death itself.  It’s true, many of us will die in the midst of our pain, and often with unanswered questions.  But the struggle does not end in death!  Resurrection life awaits those who put their trust in Jesus Christ… a stunning reversal of the entropic decay that defines the present state of our world.  That promise makes hope possible despite our suffering, for to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain!  For if I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two.  I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far, but it is more necessary for the sake of others that I remain in the body.  This has been the mantra of Christ followers beginning with Jesus himself in the garden and echoing down the halls of history – through the epistles to the modern day killing fields.  And what could compel such surrender but a deep trust in God’s ability and commitment to his followers that, indeed, all things work together for good, even when it is the Lord himself who does the restraining.    \n\n![son father.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmUCjGERfMELfi6gfJEpkRG5MyALCKfdSUAJmPdH6kpPgW/son%20father.jpg)",
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      "body": "As I've mentioned in a previous post, my wife and I recently went through a very painful life and career transition.  As I have sat down periodically to reflect - which I mostly do through writing - I have found that at times poetry is a better medium for expressing thought and emotion than prose.  \n\nThis poem is partly a prayer.  I have been greatly influenced by King David in the Bible whose prayers are often amalgamated with complaints, worship, vindictiveness, pain, adoration, and so on.  Another way to say it is that his prayer was simply honest.  This prayer is an honest reflection and petition.  I hope it encourages you! \n\n![ship-in-a-storm-1887.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmaJ9kFyuueGhoHByh7E9584DrSUkEs2LUhQMZfsSPosBZ/ship-in-a-storm-1887.jpg)\n\nAs I lay at anchor, moored to the pier, \nI am secure, at home even in the tempest. \nRestless, perhaps, but held fast, \nTethered to something firm, unmoving.\n\nNo exploration, no adventures.  \nSafe from the unknown and the unknowable.  \nIs this all there is?  The horizon beckons.\nDare I leave the safety of this harbor?\n\nTender waters lap against the hull, \nWhile thundering waves cast up white foam \nOut beyond the breakers, contrasting \nPeace against the wild fury of the sea.\n\nQuite suddenly I am adrift again, \nAnd as I glide across the quay toward \nAnother quiet resting spot,\nThe skies darken and angry winds begin to howl.\n\nWhy are You angry?  Why do You assail me?\nAttempts to make berth at other fair havens \nAre repelled.  Black and green skies\nDarken the harbor with foreboding hues.   \n\nRestless hands reach up from the depths \nAnd laid hold of me, desperate to pull me down.\nThe tiller oscillates wildly and icy panic\nDisplaces calculated, rational thought.  \n\nAre You restraining me?  Detaining me?  \nOr are You thrusting me out?  \nAre You are concerned about more important matters? \nMy integrity?  The position of the bow?  \n\nYes.  Ah, but more than that, I am your Maker.  \nI hewed, planed, positioned, and crafted you.  \nI love you.  You must know you are blessed!\nI commissioned you.  And I commission you.  \n\nOk.  Blow, fierce wind!  Rage, wonderful sea! \nI will set sail and risk again.  \nBlow me where You will!  \nIn the face of my fear, I yield to You.  \n\nDeep down I know I’m not made for the harbor\nBut perhaps for brief periods of respite.  \nTake me beyond the breakers if You must.  \nBlow me where You will.  \n\nHelp me embrace uncertainty, \nThe insecurity of the restless ocean,\nNot knowing the stability of contact with land, \nBut the constant change of a fluid world.\n\nThe orientation of the rudder, \nThe position of the sails… somehow You \nHave entrusted these to Me, under Your command.\nBut the wind!  The wind… \n\nUnpredictable.  Sometimes steady, \nAbsent others.  Sometimes stiff and unyielding,\nAs if on some fiery mission, \nFull of life and translucent meaning.    \n\nI yield.  I raise the sails.  \nBlow me where You will.  \nOh, master Mariner.  Oh, Lord of Heaven and Earth,  \nBlow me where You will!\n\nAdventure, exploration, the horizon beckons.  \nThe only safety I know is an untethered \nTrust in Your sovereign reign over the created order, \nAnd Your eternal commitment to me.   \n\nBe still.  Dash me against the rocks.  \nLand me on some distant shore.  \nReturn me once more to a safe abode.  \nIt matters not.  I am Yours to fling out or draw back.\n\nLike a sword that flashes in the hand of the warrior. \nThrust out, sheathed.  \nRaised in triumph, lowered in defeat.  \nDrawn out.  Hidden again.  \n\nBlow me out, breathe me back in.  It matters not,\nBecause I am Yours.  And You are worthy.  \nOh, Lord of Heaven and Earth, \nBlow me where You will.",
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      "body": "![171129-matt-lauer-mc-1227_7efd4c1aa088bf7867b00153d79d43c3.nbcnews-fp-1200-630.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmU74bePwzryHuKHuAZJtnXcoxqYhZihHisJKx1kAh2umx/171129-matt-lauer-mc-1227_7efd4c1aa088bf7867b00153d79d43c3.nbcnews-fp-1200-630.jpg)\n\nYesterday NBC fired Matt Lauer on sexual harassment allegations.  One could almost hear the collective gasp as the planet reacted to the news.  This one, in some ways like Billy Cosby's case, stood out from the rest because of the image Matt had projected to the world of one who was trustworthy, safe, family-oriented.  A few observations: \n \n•\tThe sense of betrayal felt by many indicates a longing for purity and trustworthiness \n•\tThe palpable shock evinced by the general population reveals a false hope\n•\tAmericans everywhere are quick to castigate those caught red-handed and slow to point the finger inward\n \nTo the first point, regardless of how relativistic we claim to be as a culture, there is still a general baseline expectation of sexual morality.  Whose standard?  Well, it seems that few voices in the mainstream conversation are able to deal with that subject cohesively.  But that's a subject for a subsequent post.  To use power to make sexual advances toward the opposite sex, is this not the way of nature?  But for some reason we know instinctively that while it might not be 'wrong' for another species, it is unequivocally wrong for humans.  \n \nTo the second point, our collective shock is two-faced.  There is nothing new under the sun.  The fact that these revelations ae so jarring should enlighten us that perhaps we have founded our hope on shifting sand.  Politicians are corrupt?  (On both sides!?  Gasp…).  Football players beat their girlfriends?  Powerful men (and women) use their position as leverage to benefit themselves at the expense of others?  Dictators mercilessly rape their nations?  Priests abuse little boys?  Mother nature turns on us and devastates lives?  Bankers pocket millions at the risk of crippling the economy?  There is evil at every level of society and there always will be.  Tribalism, Mysticism, Modernism, Postmodernism, Integration?  Socialism, Communism, Capitalism, Anarchy?  The Scientific Method?  The Liberal Arts?  The Humanities?  From where does my help come from?  To continue to sit on the shore thinking that surely the next ship to come will rescue us from this island is to ignore thousands of years of history that have already answered the question of which vessel is sufficient to liberate us from the tormenting sands that imprison us. \n \nAnd to the final point, my expectation, especially in the light of the proliferation of pornography and of how sexualized our society has become, is that sexual deviancy will increasingly become the norm.  Excusable?  No (see point #1).  Expected, yes.  I need to look no further than myself to find raging appetites that possess the power to destroy lives.  My anger, deceitfulness, and so on have negative consequences every day, and their cumulative effect might just be incalculable.  To stand and point the finger in judgement at the likes of Lauer would be the pinnacle of hypocrisy.  Grieve for those affected, yes.  The first to throw a stone?  No.  The pointing finger better first point inward.",
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      "body": "It's good to see another familiar face! Thanks for sharing at Antioch FC about pain. Not your ideal message you go to church to hear, but it really spoke to me. I look forward to reading more and following with you on this journey!!",
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      "body": "It's astonishing that any college male survives to tell about his university days.  \n\n![animal_house.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmctRcy8fZG2UUMa327S6wvpq9j453whdS4dALqc6afHkG/animal_house.jpg)\n\nI had been asked to represent the nation of Indonesia at a forum intended to raise awareness of service opportunities in various regions around the world, as I was to travel to that part of the globe the following summer to assist in tsunami relief (i.e. 2004).  The organizers encouraged me to stock my booth with clothing, pictures, or other cultural artefacts from Indonesia to help people experience my nation.  A seemingly benign assignment.  I decided to cook a traditionally Indonesian breakfast item to have on hand - pisang goreng, or fried bananas.  I looked up the recipe on the relatively nascent internet and realized that my only concept of the process of deep-frying food came from the voluminous vats of oil I had seen at McDonalds and other such reputable establishments.  I called my mom to verify my hunches and she confirmed that all I needed was a pot of vegetable oil.  She instructed me to sprinkle some water on the oil as it heated to test its readiness, since oil wouldn't bubble like water when it boiled, and that the water would pop and sizzle on the surface when the oil was ready.  \n\n![pinsang goreng.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmZpN6ViBidyFPjGhUiXDWw5S6eGeU1pWKuk1mg8B4JhiK/pinsang%20goreng.jpg)\n\nShe didn't specify how much cooking oil to use, however, so I procured the largest pot on hand at our dilapidated house on 10th Street near campus, filled it with nearly 3 economy-sized bottles of Wesson cooking oil, and turned on the burner.  As instructed, I periodically flicked drops of water on the surface of the oil and watch them dance around before evaporating.  As fate would have it, several of my roommates got home from class around the same time and began to congregate in the kitchen.  As we chatted and ate, I continued to repeat my chore until the water did indeed pop when contact was made with the oil.  I noticed that little droplets of oil sprayed out of the pot each time it came in contact with water.  Not much oil, but then again, I wasn't using much water.  Somewhat absentmindedly I continued to wet my fingers in the faucet and allow bigger and bigger drops of water to fall on the oil, and in greater and greater quantities.  The popping and sizzling was beginning to entertain my audience which had now grown to 7 witless men.  \n\n![Albert-Einstein.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmbVaVdt5dY5u3qnRd2nTvL5MTeeR1UAvZ8VKAnLmhLPhK/Albert-Einstein.jpg)\n\nAlbert Einstein once mused, \"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.\"  But I don't think he had 21st century 20-something-year-old college males in mind when he said it.  One of my roommates proposed a brilliant idea to the group at a pivotal moment in our little experiment.  Mike, who hadn't said much since joining us, spoke up and suggested that we toss an ice cube into the pot to see what would happen.  The other guys enthusiastically cast their vote in favor of Mike's idea, with my negative vote standing alone as the only dissenting opinion.  My reasoning had to do with the amount of cleanup I projected after such an action, but in the end, group-think prevailed as they all confidently asserted their willingness to assist me in dealing with the aftermath.  Mike walked across the yellowish-green linoleum floor to the freezer, pulled out a blue ice tray, and popped a square cube from its place by slightly contorting the tray.  He nonchalantly closed the freezer door, pivoted, and effortlessly lobbed the frozen projectile toward the stove.  \n\nIt was one of those moments where time seemed to slow down a bit.  All of us instinctively edged back from the pot of oil as the ice cube hung in the air for a long second or two.  I had a fleeting wave of panic - probably the retrieval of a survival instinct deeply embedded in my subconscious, there as a result of thousands of generations of my ancestors having dealt with the mysterious and often destructive powers of fire.  But before I could make sense of the inner alarm, the kitchen exploded.  \n\nIn all, the whole drama that unfolded next probably only lasted 5-10 seconds… but it felt much longer than that.  I can recall it now in slow-motion detail.  I remember that when the ice cube landed in the oil, it seemed to sublimate violently, causing the super-heated oil to erupt.  One detail I have failed to mention up to this point is that we possessed a gas stove that heated with an open flame.  My wife often recalls events like these from my past as anecdotal evidence to support why she questions my judgment at times.  \n\nWhen the oil hit the flame, it ignited.  In a split second, our stove was engulfed in an inferno.  As the ice cube continued to sublimate in the pot, oil continued to violently spew in every direction - spilling out onto the floor, the walls, and continuing to erupt up to the ceiling.  I remember watching the flames curl around the pot and then jet upward, hitting the ceiling and billowing outward to momentarily fill the kitchen with flame like a scene from Backdraft.  \n\n![backdraft.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmYEthFjSbgKfmAYy9LSHZWeYFpJ7uywrFsiokNHjNqgp9/backdraft.jpg)\n\nEach of the men in the kitchen had their own reaction - something we discovered only after the fact.  Daniel's reaction was to reach for a pitcher of water sitting next to the sink to pour onto the flames (which he graciously stopped himself from doing at the last moment).  Mine was marvel that we had just burned down our house, and then to run through a quick mental inventory of what I needed to get out of my room before it was all consumed.  One of my roommates prayed.  Several of them screamed.  And just as suddenly as this conflagration began, it went out.  Like it has sucked all the oxygen out of the room and suffocated itself.  We later learned, however, that the disappearance of the flames was inexplicable because of how much oil remained, and how oil fires are notoriously difficult to put out.  \n\nAt any rate, all of us stood in stunned silence for a few moments.  I looked up at the ceiling, expecting it to be on fire, only to realize that we had Styrofoam tiles that had simply melted and not ignited.  The floor, stove, and walls - while completely covered in slippery oil - seemed untouched by the flames.  We were at a loss.  Eventually one of my roommates broke the silence with a profound quote from Tommy Boy exclaiming, \"that. was. awesome!\"  It took all of about 60 seconds before a few of them were rummaging through a closet in an attempt to find a Coleman camping stove with the idea to recreate the scene in the street in front of our house.  I spent the next two hours intermittently cleaning up the mess - by myself - and deep frying homemade banana batter.  That evening I stood at my booth, which was decked out in Southeast Asian paraphernalia, munching on pisang goreng, and thinking deeply about the fact that I had dodged yet another attempt at eliminating myself from the gene pool.",
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      "body": "Trump.  Ferguson.  Orlando nightclub shooting.  #buildthewall.  Sutherland Springs.  Dallas police assassinations.  Russian collusion.  Legalization of gay marriage.  BLM.  #metoo.  Las Vegas killer.  Hillary.  North Korea.  DACA.  NFL National Anthem protests.  Charlottesville.  Ad infinitum. \n\n![charlottesville-confederate-protest.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmbhZMBjZMws6Yvf6iaiSnJWm3Hi8YkuLhDnoRd5ew2659/charlottesville-confederate-protest.jpg)\n\nThanks to Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and a thousand other platforms, our world is interconnected in a historically unprecedented way, for better or for worse.  On the positive side, it means that everyone has a public voice.  On the negative side, it means that everyone has a relatively anonymous public voice.  Everyone has an opinion.  Our social media platforms are fantastic arenas for airing those opinions.  But is it always helpful?  I want to put forth a couple of ideas to help believers (and really everyone regardless of religious persuasion) engage national conversations, especially when it comes to potentially divisive issues.  \n\nLet’s start with multiple verses and proverbs from the Jewish and Christian writings:\n\nProv 18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.\n\nOuch.  We could stop there, but it’s worth taking a look at some additional relevant passages:\n\nProv 10:19-20 When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. 20 The tongue of the righteous is choice silver; the heart of the wicked is of little worth.\n\nProv 15:1-2 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 2 The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.\n\nJames 1:19-20 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.\n\nProv 18:15 An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.\n\nProv 15:14 The heart of him who has understanding seeks knowledge, but the mouths of fools feed on folly.\n\nProv 21:23 Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.\n\nProv 16:23 Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.\n\nProv 25:11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.\n\nProv 12:18 There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.\n\nEph 4:29-31 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.\n\nThere are several key themes expressed in these passages that are relevant to our conversation: being slow to speak, quick to listen, eager to pursue knowledge and understanding, and not speaking/tweeting/blogging/acting in anger.  \n\nWe all know from our own relationships that we can ‘win’ an argument based on what we’re saying but lose the debate because of how we said it.  As I look across the landscape of our nation, I see generally a church that has taken on a great deal of worldliness in how we communicate.  While intentions are generally good – to combat destructive thinking, promote the truth, and so on – our approach is often misguided which tarnishes the truth that we so passionately seek to uphold.  One of the reasons this is so is because the truth is a Person and not an abstract ideology.  Taking these observations, the Biblical themes, and the following graphic together, here is a brief guide on how to engage a public conversation.  \n\n ![Engaging the National Conversaation.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmfKawoSGTnaS7gN7Kw6oof17rgVLCLEft3H8cSyMCfo8H/Engaging%20the%20National%20Conversaation.jpg)\n\nThroughout the gospels, Jesus is consistently concerned with the heart of the matter, turning people’s questions of justice and retribution back on the state of their own soul.  Our national conversations are no different.  They are staging grounds that God uses to refine us as individuals.  \n\n1.\tReflect before God (Me).  Before you air your opinions on a matter, use it as a mirror.  Pause for reflection.  Ask questions like, “why am I so upset about this?  God, what do you want to do in me regarding this issue?  Where do I need to confess judgement/bitterness/wrong thinking or make reparations first before commenting?”  Seek alignment with God’s heart which is typically concerned first with loving people and only secondly with setting the record straight (e.g. Luke 12:13-21, John 5:1-14, John 8:1-11).\n2.\tAsk questions (Those Close to Me).  There are real people in your orbit who are no doubt affected in any number of ways by whatever issue is pressing.  Ask them questions!  “How does this make you feel?  How does this affect you personally?  Tell me about your background and how you got to that viewpoint.”  I guarantee you will learn something that will increase your empathy, give you greater understanding, and increase your wisdom on the issue.  \n3.\tContribute to the Conversation (The Public).  Deal with your own heart before God and seek to understand those close to you.  Prayerfully synthesize that information.  Then and only then post your comments for the betterment of mankind. \n\nWisdom is the right application of knowledge.  Understanding is the marriage of information with empathy.  Both wisdom and understanding are severely lacking in our world today, and since both have their source in God, their lack among believers results in a diminished manifestation of God’s nature in our culture.  In other words, when Christians offer their thoughts without wisdom and understanding – even when they possess correct information – God is not seen.  In fact, not only is God not seen, but often the name of Christ is maligned.  The majority of your message will be communicated in how you present it.  A very small percentage will come through in your content.  In that light, spend most of your time in conversation with real people and in personal prayer and reflection before God before condensing your thoughts into 140 or 280 characters, or into a FaceBook post.  Sure, it will take longer to respond and you might be a day or two behind what is trending, but that delay is probably necessary!  Once again, \n\nProv 18:2 A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.\n\nMay you be transformed and love those closest to you in your pursuit of justice and the propagation of truth in our generation!",
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      "body": "This is a different kind of post - unique and vulnerable.  I have never met my biological father.  We each know where the other lives, but he has communicated to me through his father that he does not want to meet.  I can't blame him.  He was only 15 when he got this girlfriend pregnant.  It was 1982, a year when 1 in 4 pregnancies ended in an abortion, so I'm grateful he and Melissa decided to carry me to term.  \n\nI was adopted by a wonderful mom and dad who loved me and raised me.  But they - like all parents - had their shortcomings.  As a result, I've dealt with a complex throughout the years that generally manifests as a profound sense of loneliness and I have had a tendency to live a bit like a chameleon in an effort to garner the approval that has felt absent at times.\n\nSo recently I wrote a letter of blessing from my 'dad' - really a combination of hypothetical thoughts from both my biological and adoptive fathers.  It was part of an exercise I took from the movie 'Ragamuffin' and it has been healing in many respects.  \n\nIt's vulnerable, but I want to share it because it is in the tender places of our souls that we discover who we really are, and far too often we are reluctant to share ourselves for fear of reprisal, rejection, or just plain apathy.  In sharing with you, my hope is that you, too, are free to discover something about yourself that has previously been too painful to explore.  May you be blessed as you read. \n\n![1.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmTvzt3XfgkYG3KkRbs4TxGNzSXn1CPRAX25ruP79DubEc/1.jpg)\n\nMick, \n\nYou know I’m not really good at writing letters.  You’re used to getting 5 second voicemails, or 4 word emails from me.  Texts with pictures of dead deer and sheep.  But there’s so much inside of me that never made it out.  It was bottled up for so long, and I swallowed it over and over, to where it holed up in some dark corner of my soul and I feared it would never come out.  But here’s my attempt.  \n\nYou know, when my dad died, my hopes of ever being blessed by my father died with him.  I had to fight and claw for everything in life, and I walled off the part of me that hurt, that laughed, that wept.  It was too painful, so I never went there.  But then you came along, and then your sister.  Those old emotions came up but they scared me… especially concerning you.  I felt so deeply when I saw you for the first time.  I loved you.  I wanted you.  And bringing you home was such a delight!  Holding you.  Of course, the reality of the responsibility of fatherhood hit like a tidal wave and crashed up against the giant concrete barrier of selfishness and protectionism that I had erected over the years.  The two have been in tension ever since, and I’ve been pretty good at walling off and holding back that raging torrent of emotion that I feel toward you.  But I don’t want to die without you knowing what I really think about you, and how blessed you are.  This is my blessing.  I know that one letter can’t undo the effect of my physical and emotional absence throughout your life, but perhaps God can light on my words and effect a change in you by knowing how I really feel.  \n\nI’m proud of you.  In fact, I’m jealous of you.  I have white-knuckled my way through life and experienced much anxiety.  Despite your circumstances, you seemed to have found a contentment I never found.  And in a profound way – more so than if you had become someone famous in the world’s eyes – that makes me extremely proud.  And humbled.  I’m humbled because God did that in you in spite of me, not because of me.  Sure, I know He used me in certain ways, but I’m in awe of His hand on your life.  I hurt you.  I betrayed your trust.  I didn’t shelter you… and to be honest, I simply didn’t know how.  But look at the man you’ve become.  You know you’re a blessed son and it has set you free – a sort of freedom I have never known.  You’re intelligent and handsome, you have an amazing wife and four beautiful boys, and you’ve given your life in service of God and have followed your convictions, even when it seemed insensible to your me and your mom.  It’s amazing to see the Murray name multiply out through your children to the glory of God in a way I could have never predicted.  You are a first-generation Christian in our family and you have had to pioneer a lot on your own, or at least without our help.  For that, I’m sorry in a way that I can’t express in words.  You’ve been knocked down and have gotten back up time and again, and I wasn’t there to help you get back up on your feet.  But you got up anyway and continue to serve God and His people.  And I haven’t forgotten your attempts to show me love.  They made me uncomfortable and I didn’t reciprocate, but don’t think I wasn’t affected.  I just didn’t know how to receive love.  It was too personal, too vulnerable, a possible breach in the wall that kept out pain and failure.  It was safer to hide behind it and keep things at the surface, but you kept trying to get behind that wall.  God bless you for your courage.  Forgive me for my hardness of heart.  I think the most concise way I could say it is this: you’ve become the man I wish I could have been.  You have a relationship with your sons that I envy.  You have a depth of intimacy with Steph that I never had with your mom.  You are emotionally fluent in a way that unnerves me.  You follow your passions and have tremendous faith.  You’re willing to risk over and over, and live in the unseen places devoid of accolades and adulation.  And I’m so grateful that I now I don’t just call you a son, but a brother in Christ!  What a privilege and an honor to know that we will walk side by side in His presence for eternity.  \n\nBless you, my son.  May God’s face continue to shine on you.  May you walk in His light and in the light of His revelation.  May your marriage be a pure reflection of Christ and the church, and your sons grow up to be the oaks of righteousness spoken of by Isaiah.  May you be free to follow God to the ends of the earth, no matter the cost, with my and your mom’s full blessing.  May you store up treasure in Heaven so that one day you can lay it back down at the feet of Jesus.  \n\nI commission you, and I give you over to God.  You are my firstborn and the display of my strength and glory.  You carry my name and you are blessed.  I love you.  I love you.  I love you my son! \nDad.",
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