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      "title": "Gratitude #56: Being a regular",
      "body": "I make a habit of not being too uppity when trying out a new cafe. In fact, I’ll deliberately make less effort with the staff in my first visit to a cafe than I normally would in order to seem like I’m not too eager to make a good impression. The answers are short and banter minimal because staff members get sick of customers trying to be too funny to them all the time. So the play here is to be memorable in your sheer blandness.\n\n![](https://steemitimages.com/DQmZCTp1BBhXtdQF6F8Qq1qehCrUGMBWa93rSut62w9xLPm/image.png)\n\nBut some time will pass and a rapport will start to form between you and certain members of the team and life at the cafe starts to improve gradually. Being a ‘regular’ at a cafe requires playing the long game. I’ve found the ultimate foundation for a quality cafe reputation is a month or two of aloofness with a smattering of low-key wisecracks, and when an organic opening appears for you to be a legend you’ve got to take it.\nI’ll briefly mention the fairly rare situation of someone being genuinely hilarious from day one. This usually can’t be premeditated because if you go in there with a couple of your go-to ordering zingers and bill-settling lols the staff will make you from a mile away. If you manage, however, to pull an audible and improvise your way to some genuine staff ROFLs you’ve saved yourself a couple of months.\n\n![](https://steemitimages.com/DQmWN6zEGH3Upf3METLwQtnC1dG5gQVSibn6WMzXsmQjZN3/image.png)\n*“Split the bill? That sounds painful HA”*\n\nThe main lesson a cafe owner can take from my over-analysing is to turn customers into regulars earlier by hiring generally affable staff members, or failing that you should instruct your staff to give customers a chance to be funny. It could be something as small as asking the customer what they’re up to for the rest of the day or how their weekend was. If a customer has a book in her hands the easiest way to generate some banter is by actually asking what she’s reading. Asking something other than “Cheque, Savings or Credit?” means customers can be themselves for 10 seconds. What with the Internet and the Tinders and The Face Books they’d be crazy not to want a conversation with a sexy real human like yourself.",
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      "title": "Gratitude #54: Table Gap",
      "body": "Table Gap is basically the same as Thigh Gap but with tables instead of thighs.\n\nLet’s start again.\n\nThe second someone gets on a crowded train they’re already planning how to minimise the pain of getting off it. People choose to stand near the doors or they refuse to shift from the aisle seat when the window seat opens up next to them — resulting in significant side-knees if someone tries to squeeze past — just to make their future exit easier. The same thing happens at cafes, a smooth exit is a key concern when selecting a table and nothing affects your prospects of a smooth departure more than a narrow table gap.\n\n![](https://steemitimages.com/DQmZhCKVgyndtsPKF2ZR7vpVUXBSALdcFbjTSNkf5rgB5kp/image.png)\n*“remind me to kill myself when I get home darl”*\n\nThere are a number of things to think about when you’re about to get up from your seat:\n- you’re wondering whether it’s more acceptable to point your bum or your dick at the couple on the next table when it comes time for you to squeeze past (a rock and a hard place, if you will),\n- you’re tossing up whether to wait until the 3 UFC tee-shirt wearing bros next to you leave before you make your move,\n- you’re wondering if the tables are fixed to the floor, and\n- you’re wondering whether your chair will glide back smoothly or jolt back violently, resulting in coffee-spilling mayhem.\n\nA generous table gap is not just good for a smooth exit, it also gives us some privacy from bulging-eyed eavesdroppers. Not only does it stop the pantsuits next to you from listening in to your conversations, it helps you avoid unintentionally listening in on their wrist-slittingly boring office stories about Marie from HR. The golden rule of table gap for cafes owners is to figure out how many tables can fit in your cafe and get rid of 25% of them. Cafes are supposed to be relaxing, not in your face. They should be decidedly out of your face.\n\nI’m grateful for generous table gaps because the sites I visit on the Dark Web are no-one’s business but mine.",
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      "body": "Whenever I see people in regular clothes running in the street my mind instantly races at the possibilities. Are they running from or towards someone? Trying to catch a tram or simply running late to a meeting? Are they the stabbed or the stabber?\n\nThey cut through a crowd like a human ambulance except unlike those lame real ambulances with their long-distance driving and metallic bodywork, there’s a good chance you’ll actually see some action. This action can range from aforementioned stabbing to minor verbal altercations to Sleepless in Seattle-style embraces all the way down to successful albeit anti-climactic boarding of public transport. At the very least you’ll see a light brush-past of someone— where the woman kinda but not really nearly loses her handbag — which is always a mild thrill.\n\nThese human wrecking balls also create the conditions for the exchange of bemused glances between people, which is a small but important source of increasingly rare interpersonal connection in the physical world. I’m grateful for these desperate characters because the healthy chaos they create not only spikes our adrenaline but gives us the permission to connect with each other we crave but would never request.\n\n![IMG_2004 2.JPG](https://steemitimages.com/DQmasmtspWChiTaZcSV7Ai7hu1Yac4nH9vDwv5P9q726eDc/IMG_2004%202.JPG)\n*Cheesy Charlie approves of that last paragraph*",
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