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      "author": "katrae",
      "body": "![colorized-historical-photos-vintage-photography-7.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmQmjVpaDB9gtzjPftC7rdopqJhDKqoniYhEXs7zfL4JAu/colorized-historical-photos-vintage-photography-7.jpg)\nFinally home - thank ya Jesus. I started my journey home on Monday and arrived Tuesday night. I ran and gave my boyfriend a big hug and then gave my pups and kitten some long overdue lovin'. Stepping inside was like finally getting a nice breeze after being in heat all day; refreshing. After my long trip - I was exhausted both emotionally and physically. I mean; I walked over 20 miles myself in Washington, DC alone and I saw family members that I hadn't seen in years. Who wouldn't be exhausted?\n\nI won't say that my entire trip was terrible, because it really wasn't. There were some truly amazing moments. I got to see my brothers, Mom, Grandpa and other relatives I really did miss. Which made my heart warm. Plus; if I sit here and really recollect on my trip - the \"bad\" moments - weren't really that bad. I mean except for the situation with my father... Everything was manageable. So I can't complain too bad. I think just in the moment I was inundated with anxiety that it made everything else just too much. But getting through that showed me that I can continue to deal with stressful situations, and come out the other end a stronger person.\n\nNow it's Friday, and I have been home for 3 days. Everything is feeling back to normal and I have almost decompressed all the stress and anxiety I had from my trip. Which was a lot. Now, I am on the hunt for a job that I will actually enjoy. I started a serving job because I could make more money, but honestly doing that work just gives my no satisfaction at all. So, I am on the search for something that actually makes me happy. Money is awesome; yes; but I'd rather enjoy going to work and actually be proud to say where I work. So wish me luck. \n\nUntil then, I have given myself a job. Figure out what I want to do. Do I want to put this trip behind me? Do I want something to come out of it? What do I want? Mainly; do I want to risk reaching out to my father again - even though I could get hurt? These are the  question I still don't have the answers to and I need to figure out. So stay tuned as I answer them for myself. That's life - answering questions and then getting more. I just hope I get the answers right. \n\nI'm just growing and glowing.\n\nKat Rae",
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      "body": "![Unknown.jpeg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmUsm1L3fFEaNZVphbYM3cSwC6SUcqwNKSP2XVcbLLGjdi/Unknown.jpeg)\nMy brothers wedding was beautiful. Chelsea; his now wife; looked gorgeous and my brothers smile told the world just how much he loved her. The center where they had their wedding was beautiful. We decorated everything with candles, moss, pine trees, roses, stars, and babies breath. It was a magical forest - starry night. Everything went smoothly until Dewey arrived; my father; and added some tension between all of us.\n\nAt first - seeing him - I felt fine. I watched him walk up; my brother walked away; and I stayed to say hello. When he approached at first I was unsure what to say, but in the moment I just looked at him and said,\" Hello Dewey.\" As soon as the words left my mouth I saw the sadness in his eyes because I didn't call him Dad. I hate to say at first; it made me feel good. For all these years, I had no idea if us not speaking mattered to him at all. I thought I was the only one upset, so to see him hurt, made me feel good for not being the only one. I asked how he was doing then I walked away and for a slight moment felt empowered and strong. Oh - did it come crumbling down though. \n\nSurprisingly though - I wasn't the only one affected by him. My brother was upset to see him as well. Which, I wasn't quiet expecting. I thought he would be angry - but not hurt, and to see that side of my brother was hard and unexpected. After my Dad talked to my brother, it hit him a little hard. So it was my turn next. \n\nThe reception went lovely, other than rogue bees. I will forever remember my brothers silly grin when he saw his now wife for the first time. After, they walked down the isle to Come and Get Your Love by Redbone and we went and danced and ate delicious food until everyone was ready to leave. That's where the main trouble began...\n\nMy brother and I went to go talk, but had to come back to say our goodbyes to everyone. Most of which were sad - yes, but ended happy because it was a good time and it was just nice to be brought together again. The one goodbye that was exceptionally hard was saying goodbye to my Dad. Throughout the entire reception you could just see the pain in him and all you wanted to do was console him, which sucked because I had no idea how or why I should. So I made the decision to give him a hug, because deep down I wanted one too, and I think we both needed it - even if it hurt.\n\nBut as he hugged me - he whispered in my ear,\" I'm sorry. I love you, I will always love you and miss you. I am always here if you need me or anything. I love you. \" I tried to pull away from the hug to go run and cry but he just squeezed tighter, he didn't want to let me go again... I tried to speak, although I don't know what I would have said - and he just told me,\" You don't have to say anything.\" Then I started crying and he let me go, and I walked as far away as I could. Now those words, and the pain in the hug, is branded into me and are playing on a loop in my brain. No fun. \n\nI was thankfully cheered up at the moment by Roman candle - wizard fights - and I was able to enjoy the rest of the wedding. Which, I really hope Chelsea and Kris enjoyed too, and I hope it was everything they imagined and more. Because out of any couple that deserved a perfect day, and endless happiness, it's them. \n\nThe next day, today - Monday, I left to go back home. Which I can say - thank fucking god. This trip has been emotionally and physically exhausting and I am just ready to cuddle my bae, puppies, and kitten. The only thing that sucked about leaving was leaving my family I enjoyed, yes we bicker, but that's family - that's my family and I love it no matter what. Mainly I was sad to leave my Mom though. For once we were having a lot of fun and really getting along and I didn't want it to end. I just wanted to put her in my pocket and take her with me. Make shrink rays already someone so I can! I hugged her goodbye and cried, per usual, then cried the majority of the drive today - which was 13 hours.\n\nYou'd think by now my tears would be all dried up and I would run out, but no. I have infinite, which sucks. Being sad, missing someone, or feeling lonely isn't a fun emotion. No one sits down and thinks,\" Damn - I really wish I was sad as fuck right now!\" No - we all hope for happiness, but for some it's harder to find. My happiness is kinda a vise versa - needle in a haystack. It's a piece of hay in a needle stack. By that I mean - I will get poked and hurt, even broken, but it will all be worth it in the end when I find my piece of hay. Whatever it ends up being. \n\nI just gotta keeping growing and glowing.\n\nKat Rae",
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      "author": "katrae",
      "body": "![171591948-612x612.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmZRn3yZqdhoBkmN7vfkQmBehhQ9ZGukKCY553bK7aMUVo/171591948-612x612.jpg)\nAfter 2 and a half days - I am finally in Washington , DC. The trip was long and sometimes painful but mostly it was pleasant. My Grandma and I spent 48+ hours in a car with each other and at some points got on each others nerves, but we also had a good time talking and connecting and I will forever remember and think fondly of that.\n\nBasically the majority of the drive was boring - Texas, Arkansas,and Tennessee aren't the most exciting states. They had their moments where they were pretty and you enjoyed looking outside, but for the most part you just get greeted with more and more bugs the further you drive and humidity that makes you feel sticky inside and out. Gross. Thankfully though; we made in to Bristol yesterday and I got to reconnect with family and the town. \n\nWe got to Abingdon, Virginia late. We hit traffic due to Hurricane Florence, and that made our time almost double. So when we finally arrived it was around 10:30pm - 11:00pm. I know what you may be thinking - that's not that late. Well, yes it is when you have been sitting in a car for 16 hours. So we were almost happy crying when we got to the Martha Washington Hotel and Spa to see my brother at his job. It meant the end of driving for the night. I was really excited to see Kris; my brother who is getting married; because he's my Bubba and I will always love him and miss being around him 24/7. I mean we shared a room for a good part of our lives so we got really close and even when we got on each others nerves we still cared about the other. \n\nSoon after arriving in Abingdon my Grandma and I parted ways so she could go rest and I could hangout with Kris and go see my cousin - Cody. I haven't seen him in 10 years and I was really happy that when we got together it was almost as if we hadn't spent any time apart. We just picked up where we left off and hungout and had a really great time. We got a tour of my brothers job and acted like little kids again. Which to me will never get old and will forever be the best feeling in the world. One thing that was shocking seeing him though was that he looks so much like his father, Adam. (Who I have spoken about briefly.) It's a good thing, but you also just wish Adam was around to get to see him grow into the smart and caring young man he is today. \n\nThe next morning; my Grandma, brother, and I went and had breakfast then my Grandmother and I trecked the last 5 - 6ish hours to Washington, DC. I was asleep most of the way so it seemed short to me. Then we arrived at my Moms house. Which I knew was my Moms house because she had a rock on her porch - my Mom loves rocks, as do I, so I know how to find her by them. When I walked in I had the sudden urge to cry. Not because I was sad, but because when I walked in it felt like home and that felt amazing. It was quirky and smelled like my Mom and it just felt really nice. Considering I haven't seen her in 2 years, I missed her. Yes I was nervous to see her, but I missed her dearly; as I always will; and I just wanted to hangout like we used to when everything was easy and good. You know that time? Then my Mom got home - we joked like always and I gave her a big hug and it was special. I had to hold my breath so I wouldn't cry like a baby. \n\nNow my Grandma is asleep and my Mom is waiting for me to finish my Blog upstairs. We went and explored the World War 2 Memorial and the city for a little - so everyone is pretty pooped. Tomorrow, Friday, I plan on exploring Washington myself a little. Museums are free so I am going to go ape shit. Then this weekend I am going shopping with my Mom and Grandma and getting family time in. Which is must needed even if at moments it is nerve wracking. Family can be stressful, I know this, but sometimes you get some good ones, and they are to be truly cherished. Just like looking for a four leaf clover, you are truly lucky to have found it and to have it. Which I am. At least for the moment.\n\n Ha. Ha. Ha?\n\nKat Rae",
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