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      "body": "Congratulations @wisteria! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@wisteria/birthday3.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 3 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@wisteria) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=wisteria)_</sub>\n\n\n**Do not miss the last post from @steemitboard:**\n<table><tr><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemfest/@steemitboard/the-new-steemfest-badge-is-ready\"><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/64x128/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmRUkELn2Fd13pWFkmWU2wBMMx39EBX5V3cHBEZ2d7f3Ve/image.png\"></a></td><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemfest/@steemitboard/the-new-steemfest-badge-is-ready\">The new SteemFest⁴  badge is ready</a></td></tr></table>\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "Full disclaimer, these posts are probably for my own benefit more than anyone else's.  Sometimes I just need to spew the nonsense out of my head and it seems significant if there is a chance that someone might read my words. Very much like a catharsis, and therapy session for me. \n\nThat being said, damn have I been feeling awkward as fuck. The confusion that has resulted from a decision made while judgement was impaired. You know those couples who are on again off again to the point that you are not even sure how  many times they have broken up?\nI'm not even sure how many times I've broken it off to be totally honest, but every time I see this man, I inevitably find myself caught in his web. In that moment, all the memories of how he did me wrong and the way he behaves and treats myself and others with unwavering narcissistic inclinations simply fade into the distance. His megalomania forgotten for a brief instance  while I stand like a mammal minutes away from my bloody carnivorous death. That is what it's like.  I do my very best to avoid such situations knowing how it will  inevitably end. Our bodies converging into a slippery sweaty mess  on and under cotton, pillows thrown haphazardly on the floor, tongues colliding and nasty words escaping lips between sucking air and sucking face. \n\nI just don't understand how he does it. Then we start to hang out again because I fall under some carnal spell and think maybe I do know what it means to love. Something I've wondered about my entire life. That lasts for maybe 4 days and I remember why I dumped him. His raging alcoholism, the way no one can get a word in edgewise, maneuvering his tendency towards \none-up-manship that makes you wonder if he is trying to one up himself. The defensiveness that prevents him from being able handle when you tell him so. And the way he is always subtly putting you down, with such crafty passive aggressive fronts that you think he should rent a booth at a fair and sell his wordy wares. \n\nAnd the objectification. You can't have passion, chemistry and connection this way unless there is some type of objectification going on. I mean, I guess I wouldn't know, but I've tried to find it outside of him and it is elusive indeed. It's almost like you need dysfunction to create sex this good, which makes it that much harder to resist. I know my weakness, which is why I try to avoid this man like the plague, because he has that power over me. It is not something I've ever experienced in my life, with the exception of the fucked up fantasies I used to have about my abuser. I couldn't get off unless I imagined him violating me the way he did before he went to prison. It would take a matter of minutes before I reached climax just thinking about all the disgusting scenarios he put me through as a child, but I can't orgasm with most men, except this one. The worst one for me.\n\nAnd now I have extra drama to sort through, as if life isn't hard enough as a single independent woman trying to find relevance and a place in a world where roles have been distorted and value oscillates between function and form. I was on such a role before we bumped into each other. I was exploring what it meant to be single in one of the most unique times and places in human history, where a woman is permitted semblance of control over her personhood. I was meeting such inspiring people and evolving onto some next level shit. \n\nI'm not blaming him, I am disgusted with myself and I know this is part of the problem. I learned within the last few years that accountability is the path to true freedom in life and unless I engage in taking full responsibility for my life, I will never move forward. It is just really difficult for me to find space from the toxic conditioning and what makes me feel like a slave to something out of my control. I know that I need help, and I need to reprogram myself, I just don't know where to find it.",
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      "body": "How much of our identities are constructed based upon a host experiences spanning over a lifetime? Is that the who of what we are? Or is the substance of our being, the matter of our minds the totality of what makes us? What of nature versus nurture is relevant? The rather recent foray into epigenetics espouses that both influences equally contribute towards the building of persona and furthermore, takes into consideration a persons ancestral heritage as well as the triggers that would influence the forging of very specific personality traits.\n\nWho am I? The age old question. This is the human condition. Self actualization, a higher order type of endeavor. When I'm not in survival mode, I can ponder the answer. When in my typical base iteration, such contemplation is a luxury. Always in the anxious and neurotic fashion does my desire to achieve notoriety compel me to move forward, one toe at a time. \n\nSo if we were to beg the question about who the persona behind this authorship is, I might endeavor to tell you my story. While unique, it is not uncommon. But I won't. I'll you make inferences and read between the lines. \nWhat I can tell you is that I am a sultry, sexy, intelligent female who is too smart for her own good. \nI will be writing, anonymously about my life and my experiences. I will not care whether anyone gleans value from my words, I will simply write, some times stream of consciousness and other times, fully intentional. \n\nI am ever changing, a dynamic human being who passes away with each day and experiences a rebirth at each dawn. I'm both above and under it. I am humble like the salt flats and haughty as the withered peaks. I can be both suffocating and understanding at the same time. You will either be bored with my verbosity or you will relish in my force of nature. I am. That I am.",
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