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      "author": "lillianjones",
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      "author": "transformer",
      "body": "<html>\n<h2><img src=\"https://pixabay.com/static/uploads/photo/2016/06/24/21/58/beer-1477943_960_720.jpg\" width=\"960\" height=\"629\"/></h2>\n<h2>This post may be disturbing to some. &nbsp;Content warning: alcoholism&nbsp;</h2>\n<p>Today, like most days this month, I woke up to my dog licking my face lying in a pool of my own urine. &nbsp;I've convinced myself this is ok, that it's going to happen anyway, that it's because of my anxiety and certainly <em><strong>not </strong></em>because of the 12-pack of beers and a tall boy I consumed the night before while watching TV by myself. &nbsp;Did I eat? I'm not sure. &nbsp;</p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p>I take the piss soaked towels off the bed and throw them in the wash. &nbsp;I see the front door and vaguely remember a loved one leaving after our Sunday TV session and saying, \"We'll talk about this when you're sober.\" I shuffle to the bathroom to see I've also pulled down my shower curtain and somehow have dislodged the toilet seat in the middle of the night. &nbsp;No memory of that. &nbsp;I look at myself in the mirror and see I have huge bruises on both my thighs. &nbsp;No memory of that. &nbsp;</p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p>I work from home and have irregular hours, so it's not like I have an office to be at or a job to loose if I sleep in. &nbsp;I also don't have anyone regulating me, allowing me to slip into horrible habits and a spiral of enablement. &nbsp;</p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p>When I saw the bruises and couldn't, for the life of me, remember what happened after 8:30 PM, I realized I needed to step back and assess my life. &nbsp;</p>\n<p><strong>In the past month I have:</strong></p>\n<ul>\n  <li>Wet the bed and couch almost every night</li>\n  <li>Fallen asleep on my back and threw up while passed out, so my boyfriend found me choking on my own vomit</li>\n  <li>Had sex I don't remember at all</li>\n  <li>Had conversations I didn't want to have and got in fights I didn't want to be in</li>\n  <li>Broken at least 5 glass items</li>\n  <li>Stumbled, and broke a glass bong and fell into the glass fragments. &nbsp;My friend and her boyfriend cleaned up the mess and bandaged me up. &nbsp;Didn't remember in the morning.&nbsp;</li>\n  <li>Thrown up at least twice a week</li>\n  <li>Lied to my doctor about how much I drink and how I use the medication he prescribes me</li>\n</ul>\n<p><strong>My assessment: &nbsp;Bad. &nbsp;I have to change. &nbsp;</strong></p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p>So here it is, me, changing on the blockchain. &nbsp;I'm making myself accountable to you. &nbsp;&nbsp;I can't promise I'll be perfect. &nbsp;I can't promise anything, really. &nbsp;All I can say is, today I've made a decision to change. &nbsp;I'll keep you posted. &nbsp;</p>\n</html>",
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