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      "body": "Summer is always a tough time of year for me. This summer came out swinging and I am doing everything I can to stay in front of it and also to keep from retreating and isolating further. \n\nThe good news is that the little efforts I had started are paying off. Under challenge, I feel rattled, but not shattered. I feel like I'm starting to develop a less conditional resilience and courage. And that has certainly been my message to myself here-- be scared and do it anyway. Pause, but return.\n\nLack of sleep makes time play tricks on the mind, or maybe the mind plays tricks on time. Too many tracks running too fast in my head to follow one thought train consistently enough to get anywhere writing. \n\nI'm finding refuge in art for no reason, finding reasons for art with no purpose, pushing myself to stay willing to be awful at something I find rewarding, reminding myself improvement is inevitable if discipline is in play. \n\nWith any luck, I'll survive the season with strength and grace, come out the other side with a fresh perspective and new opportunities.\n\n**Art for No Reason** \n* The ToL and blue lotus images are a few years old, the other three are new this summer.  the purpose for this art for no reason? Hard to be too sad when making pretty colors. As a side note, working wet is a great way to have built-in pause points and develops patience. \n\nhttps://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmeQmMcfhtdjATCXPBQTEo28dwYQ6MC4B1mbT58a1zLwTa/artwall.jpg\n\n* Prototyping light shade designs. A rough study to capture saturation and throw on a smaller scale than the theatre level I'm accustomed to. Excited about taking the next steps and have some good ideas for process.\n![lightwall lamp.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmYmJcwYFFy5Mi7mHjk47e6GcobLtoLMH4S1fvgFC5DQBf/lightwall%20lamp.jpg)\n\n* Paper mache problem solving. Turns out that I get distracted by my stupid face when I am watching my staff practice videos. Fortunately, the internet has plenty of tutorials on how to make paper mache masks using a foil base, which is similar to what I learned in art school, only cheaper, easier, and more practical. At least, so far. This is my first attempt in process, it's still hardening out the first newsprint layer.![mask1.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmf3VnR1femQSs3MzfHtnXsdW2WgqVc66iVpX1xeV9mbdt/mask1.jpg)\n\nThere's been more, too. These are a few examples to mark progress along the way, to nurture the focus, and to keep developing the habit until it becomes more comfortably automatic.",
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      "body": "Summer is typically a tough time of year for me. The days are longer and hotter, filled with all kind of crowd-gatherings that block off streets, reroute buses, and generally amass a throng of people, among which not a single one seems to be paying attention to what they're doing or their surroundings. That's probably too harsh, but it feels good in that guilty way to get it out. \n\nBut I thought one way to pass the time and get some benefit from it, too, would be to take on a project over the summer. Something to help fill the days.\n\nI took several years off from regular staff practice and had a hard time giving myself permission to pick them back up. At this point, I think my days and dreams of circus anything are mostly echoes from the past. The flood of memories that wash over me rises, then retreats, but lingers. \n\nA few months ago, I struggled to find any joy partaking in my regular tech duties in the annual festival that serves as the dying breath of my live performance involvement after many years. This year, I felt mostly impatient. I strained to recall the joy and wonder that used to come naturally. \n\nSo I felt like I might be ready to close the door on that chapter of my life and stop entertaining the idea that I just needed to eventually get back into it under the right circumstances. \n\nThere's a lot I don't miss about the process and politics of collaborative live performance. But there's a lot that I miss about the creative generation, world-making and story-telling. And I'm trying to remember how to reclaim those elements without the weight of the guilt that I should be putting that effort elsewhere.\n\nMeanwhile, I posed this summer challenge to myself. A challenge to get back into something I loved for no other reason than because I love it. Additionally, I want to improve how I feel mentally and physically more consistently. At least for the summer, but hopefully I will want and choose to stick with it longer than that. \n\nI have a hard time finding other enjoyable ways to shake out an endorphin or two and to burn off anxious energy. I appreciate that I have to stop worrying about all of the everything else, because if I don't, that likely ends with a stick in the face. Pretty motivating.\n\nI decided to record some of my sessions so that I could not only be able to evaluate what I am doing and figure out the corrections, but also so that I would be able to see my progress over time. Which I expect will reinforce the idea that I can get better at other things, too. I'm pretty sure that's true, I just don't always believe it.\n\nWith the proper effort and dedication, the progress will be inevitable. Having the loose three-month structure gives me a vague framework to figure out what reasonable intervals are. And ideally, builds in the accountability to push through inertia. With any luck, the return of long nights and comfort of rainy days will be swift.\n\nWhile I certainly don't expect to promote or overshare my challenge journey, I guess someone might find it here. But I feel pretty good about blending in so far. \n\nTonight I learned the process to stick an unlisted clip on YouTube. I might be too scared to share much of anything with anyone, really. But I did realize that I want to be able to pull up footage of things I want to work on easily across different devices and without needing dedicated storage or proprietary apps. \n\nBy all means, not a high-quality production or highfalutin artistry, but I worked through the tedious parts and now just have to face the scary part of owning up to myself. It should get better from here. \n\nhttps://youtu.be/WhmWtgCVETk",
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      "body": "The threat of permanence stopped me cold. I considered abandoning this platform entirely. I thought about ways that I could post links to an outside destination that does offer the ability to delete and/or modify past a small window. \n\nI've picked apart every reason I can think of  making this so scary to me. Am I afraid people I have known in the past will somehow find my little hole in a very crowded, noisy hole farm? That someone I have yet to meet will dig up what might be or seem like dirt?\n\nI think those are easy fears to pick up on. I can argue with myself about the validity or productivity of worrying about what known or unknown others may think. Those arguments can run in my head for hours without any real resolution.\n\nAnother more difficult notion to wrap my head around is dealing with my own reflection on myself. The idea that maybe in six months, or a year, or a few years, looking back on whatever I put up now as permanent might be uncomfortable.\n\nUncomfortable is a generously conservative word. It's hard for me now to look back at myself through the years. I'm happy with the progress I've made in difficult conditions. I'm pleased with the values that I have developed as a result of this journey. \n\nBut I find it hard still to forgive myself, not just for what I could interpret as self-inflicted struggle or self-sabotage, but also those periods of flighty idealism. I find myself wanting to tear down those versions of me that were passionate, excited, maybe even foolish in my belief of what was possible. \n\nToo quickly, I leap to the assertion that was influence of mania, or some other flaw or shortcoming. Maybe because those heady pursuits have led to different disappointments. \n\nMy internal fault-finding machine can go into overdrive there. My fault for having unrealistic expectations. My fault for the choices I made along the way. My fault for feeling like I still wasn't getting what I needed from situations I so doggedly pursued. And so on.\n\nAnd now it is harder. I don't know if it's wisdom or cynicism that puts up barriers to that same fiery fixation on a sparkly objective to focus on and work towards. There is no clear vision I can see in my mind before sleeping. Just some vague, amorphous wonder drifting through a forest of shadowy what-ifs.\n\nEven though I can't completely buy into it in this moment, I feel like the best answer here, in short, is to be scared and do it anyway. And keep doing it until it isn't scary. \n\nI think that's the way to build a sustained courage. I might be able to borrow bursts of boldness through inspiration of others' actions, but that will always be fleeting and challenging to maintain. If I can find courage in facing the fears, maybe I'll be ready to work on forgiveness when the time for reflection comes.",
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