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      "body": "hahah!  Nope... she was nonetheless for wear! I don't actually know if we did see her again one way or another though.",
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      "body": "She actually wasn't nearly as concerned about it as the friend who told us she was locked in! :-)  The door is okay... I had to do some creative filling in order to keep it a private restroom though.",
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      "body": "A Novel Way Of Getting Hired (Maybe Not So Much) in Ten Easy Steps:\n\nStep 1: Write a 1 star review on Relp because you didn't like the sushi that day.\n\nStep 2: Change the 1 star review to a 5 star review after having been contacted by the owners and offered a full refund citing great customer service.\n\nStep 3: Get your review filtered out by Relp's automatic filter because you don't have any friends on Relp and you only have the one review. Ignore Chef's friend request which will help remedy that situation and maybe get your 5 star review back into the mix.\n\nStep 4: Never come in to collect the refund.\n\nStep 5: Apply for a job. Setup an interview.\n\nStep 6: Make sure Chef recognizes you from your Relp photo while she's looking over David's shoulder during his basic background research.\n\nStep 7: Accept Chef's Relp friend request from WAYYYY back when you changed your Relp review to a 5 star review so that your review wouldn't get filtered by Relp's automatic filter because you don't have any Relp friends and because you only have the one review.\n\nStep 8: Call in on the day of the interview and cancel because you already got another job.\n\nStep 9: Cheerfully respond via email \"Oh I forgot all about that!\" when David offers his appreciation to you for having informed him of the cancellation prior to the interview and also casually mentions that your refund is waiting for you whenever you'd like to pick it up.\n\nStep 10: Email David a couple days later to let him know you might want that interview after all.",
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      "body": "Dear April T.,\n\nThank you so much for your time today and congratulations on your new job! You did a great job during your interview (especially considering we weren't at all sure you were going to make it 45 minutes after it was scheduled to begin). Luckily, you were only about an hour late, and what's an hour in either direction anyway? The fact is, you NAILED the interview with quick, smart answers and great eye contact!\n\nAs such, we were very pleased to offer you the combination hostess/busser/expo position for which you applied and were equally pleased that you accepted! It was great to know our needs were going to be met while providing for your need for full-time, gainful employment while you pursue your RTF degree (online) with the university across the street. (As an aside, we couldn't help but reflect on the convenience of being able to work right across the street from the university you attend via web browser!)\n\nUnfortunately, there has apparently been some type of miscommunication or a misunderstanding regarding your 6pm start time earlier tonight. We were under the impression that a 6pm start time tonight meant that you would be joining us at 6pm tonight. Given it is now 7:54pm and we have not heard from you (even after multiple phone calls and text messages), we are of the belief that you either didn't understand you had a start time tonight or have changed your mind. (We briefly considered that you might have met an untimely end at the front end of a bus but that never seems to happen to really responsible people such as yourself and we have therefore dismissed it as a possibility...)\n\nDuring your interview, you mentioned your other employer has drastically reduced your hours of late. While I'm sure it has nothing to do with your availability or issues related to timely arrival to work or communication with your employer, you might consider reviewing your recent performance in these areas...\n\nIn the meantime, we hope you'll not take this formal termination of employment too hard. There are other employers out there who are literally chomping at the bit to nab up a catch such as yourself. (I know we were) and we are certain you'll have no problem finding another job soon. Please do feel free to use us as a reference. We'd love to help you out!\n\nFinally, please also accept our congratulations for having earned the distinct honor of being the shortest-termed employee in our short history! We'd give you the award in-person, but you don't work here any longer, and we never did get your forwarding mailing address.\n\nSincerely,\nDavid - Owner",
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      "body": "Once upon a recruiting call: \n\nDavid: \"Hi, Dean D.? This is David at the restaurant... We'd like to hire you for the expo position we discussed yesterday.\"\n\nDean D.: \"Oh umm... Yes Sir! Umm... errr... Do you mind if I ask - how did your interview go with the other candidate for that position? (If you don't mind me asking...)\"\n\nDavid: \"Umm... no... I don't mind... The interview went fine. We have offered her the position as well, and she has accepted. There is some overlap between your availability and hers, but we think we can make it work.\"\n\nDean D.: \"Oh okay I see. Well umm... Sir... I really hope you didn't get your hopes up too much because I actually accepted another job teaching English to Asian students.\"\n\nDavid: [pauses... sigh's... pauses again...] \"You're hoping I didn't get my hopes up? Seriously?\"\n\nDean D.: \"Oh umm... I see.. I mean... really? I promise... I'll still be a great customer sir!\"\n\nDavid: \"A customer? I thought this was gonna be so much more than that. I was pretty-much banking on you for just about... umm... well... everything... Now there is nothing... I'm probably going to close for a day or two just so I can get my head on straight. There's a decent chance I may jab a chopstick in my thigh just so I can feel alive again. My hopes? MY HOPES? HOW ABOUT... \"\n\nDean D.: [Click]",
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      "body": "Regular comes in last night to order take-out. \n\nShe's been ordering take-out lately whereas normally she comes in with a guy and they sit down to eat. Always very friendly and they love our food. She's come in solo a couple times now and the last time she came in, we messed up her order. I thought she was going to cry when I ran out to stop her so that we could fix it.\n\nLast night she asked me for a light and I told her I don't smoke anymore but that I used to be a heavy smoker. She said, \"I had pretty much quit but then my fiance died.\"\n\nI asked what happened and she just said, \"He suffocated in his sleep.\"\n\nI went and found a lighter for her.",
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      "title": "So You Want To Own A Restaurant - Letter to Chad F.",
      "body": "Dear Chad F.,\n\nWe were both distressed and saddened to hear of your sudden and untimely departure from our employ! Thank you so much for your time! It is unfortunate you decided to leave just prior to your 1 month review and we thought we'd go ahead and provide our feedback anyway. We feel it will be especially important to a culinary professional such as yourself especially since you are soon to be seeking gainful employment at another fine establishment and you will no doubt wish to incorporate the best-practices you learned during your 3 week tenure with us.\n\nIn your 3-part resignation delivered by SMS text message delivered no fewer than 6 hours after you walked out of our kitchen during our lunch rush, you mentioned your extreme distress regarding one of our other employees who you feel has been \"literally been physically pushing you around\" in the kitchen. You went further to point out that a well-running kitchen depends on team-work and that her pushing you around (literally) isn't representative of that most needed quality in a commercial kitchen.\n\nYou are absolutely correct! Such behavior is most definitely not an example of good teamwork especially when a 5 ft tall woman weighing-in at 115 lbs is pushing around a 6 ft tall man weighing in at about 230 or 240! That's really poor team work!\nAt the same time, I would be remiss if I didn't inform you of our own observations regarding your contribution to the team. Let me just enumerate them for you:\n\n1. Multiple late arrivals to work.\n\n2. At least one shift when you were so bleary-eyed you could barely see in front of you.\n\n3. Approximately 3 breaks for every .5 taken by your co-workers.\n\n4. Constant use of your cell-phone when Chef leaves the line.\n\n5. Frequent reminders to all of us that you have carpal tunnel syndrome and that it's difficult for you to... cook.\n\n6. At least one extra meal for every free meal we provided as per our '1 free meal per shift' policy. (One of these is documented with video which I have saved in case you wish to contest the assertion... Interestingly I noticed none of the expected symptoms of carpal tunnel while you were making short-work of the papaya salad you didn't pay for yesterday).\n\n7. Muttering during the close making it clear to all who are listening that your \"grlfrndisotsidewaitng...\"\n\nWe hope this short list of items will be taken in the spirit it is intended and will be used to further what I'm sure will be an exciting career in the food service industry! In case it is not taken that way, please try not to punch me in the face as I sit across this table from you and make you listen to this prior to handing you your final paycheck.\n\nThanks!\nDavid - Owner",
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      "body": "Dear Caleb W.,\n\nWhere are you? You seem to have disappeared! Did you misunderstand Chef to mean you should go home when she said, \"Hey Caleb go to the bathroom really quick and then come back so that Peter can go on his break.\" ? (Chef's English can be difficult to understand at times and it would certainly be understandable if you thought she meant for you to hang your apron on the emergency lever near the men's restroom and leave out the side door without clocking out.)\n\nWe wouldn't normally be worried about something like this but in this case we are concerned that you seemed to have obtained this misunderstanding only minutes after having been issued your paycheck! This, plus the fact that we have made repeated attempts to contact you via phone and text message has us worried and we can only be hopeful we have erroneously concluded that you have definitely misunderstood Chef. It is either this or you were abducted by aliens or maybe sucked down into the methane void via our swooshy toilet in the men's room.\n\nIt certainly can't be that you, like Chad F. couldn't hack it and have decided to seek employment elsewhere. That just doesn't seem possible to me.\n\nSincerely,\nDavid - Owner",
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      "body": "Dear Unhappy And Possibly Most Important Customer In The World Who Didn't Get Her Yellow Curry With Chicken and White Rice and Did I Mention Is Definitely the Most Important Person In The World Or At Least She Thinks So,\n\nThanks so much for your feedback on a popular review website that has a name that rhymes with \"RELP\"!\nI'm hopeful you are feeling better knowing you've done your civic duty to help other customers make a decision about whether or not to eat at our restaurant.\n\nBy reading your review, customers will know that you waited 40 minutes and didn't get your food and that you had to ask for a refund and that the customer service was awful and that it sucks even more because you have been a great customer.\nUnfortunately, your review seems to be lacking some relevant facts of which you you and I both know you were made aware prior to your angry departure. I will list them here for you so that you might have them at the ready in case you'd like to re-word your review or perhaps engage in a spirited debate with me on the topic:\n\n1. You waited 31 minutes. It's still too long but it's not 40 minutes.\nAs an aside, I sometimes wonder if there is a government-funded study available to researchers who are interested in the phenomena of customers who exaggerate claims while in the process of complaining. You could be part of that study. They might even compensate you - say the price of a Yellow Curry Chicken?\n\n2. You were informed as soon as we knew that your order had been unintentionally taken along with another customer's order by a 3rd party delivery driver. (That's something we usually look out for but please see Item 3 below.) We told you at that time that we were re-making your order and that it had been moved to the front of the line.\n\n3. You were aware that our attention during that ill-fated transfer was unavoidably focused on one of our employees who had collapsed while working. I believe you might have noticed her being wheeled out on a stretcher by EMS. I believe this because my review of the video clearly shows you looking up from your phone as they wheeled her past you. One could almost read your mind by the look on your face:\n\n\"Gosh... I wonder what that's... ab.. oh.. wha?... What was I just thinking about?... I guess I forgo... probably because I just started looking at my pho.... what was I thinking? OH RIGHT. WHERE'S MY CURRY?\"\n\n4. You decided to leave when we couldn't give you an exact time your curry would be finished. I know... You're pretty important, and I'm sure it's hard to believe in this ever faster turning world of ours that a Yellow Curry Chicken cooked in the standard fashion (boiled) takes 15 to 20 minutes to cook especially when the name of the restaurant so easily evokes the notion that raw chicken will be magically transformed to cooked chicken in the same brief time that a Chicken McSqidgett appears on a plastic tray in front of you at other places with happy-go-lucky names.\n\n5. As part of our conversation, you made it clear you were out of time and that you wanted a refund. We would have offered you that refund anyway. You can't know for sure, but I do. It's part of what we do when a customer waits too long.\nIronically, your order was being packed as I handed you the void slip for your transaction and was placed in my hands as you were storming out the door. I hope you'll forgive me for not chasing after you with it.\n\nSincerely, \nDavid - Owner",
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