{
  "block": 31593052,
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    {
      "author": "steemitboard",
      "body": "Congratulations @suburbanaddict! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@suburbanaddict/birthday1.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 1 year!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@suburbanaddict) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](http://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=suburbanaddict)_</sub>\n\n\n**Do not miss the last post from @steemitboard:**\n<table><tr><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steem/@steemitboard/3-years-on-steem-happy-birthday-the-distribution-of-commemorative-badges-has-begun\"><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/64x128/http://u.cubeupload.com/arcange/BG6u6k.png\"></a></td><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steem/@steemitboard/3-years-on-steem-happy-birthday-the-distribution-of-commemorative-badges-has-begun\">3 years on Steem - The distribution of commemorative badges has begun!</a></td></tr><tr><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steem/@steemitboard/happy-birthday-the-steem-blockchain-is-running-for-3-years\"><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/64x128/http://u.cubeupload.com/arcange/BG6u6k.png\"></a></td><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steem/@steemitboard/happy-birthday-the-steem-blockchain-is-running-for-3-years\">Happy Birthday! The Steem blockchain is running for 3 years.</a></td></tr></table>\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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    {
      "author": "partiko",
      "body": "Thank you so much for sharing this amazing post with us!\n\nHave you heard about Partiko? It’s a really convenient mobile app for Steem! With Partiko, you can easily see what’s going on in the Steem community, make posts and comments (no beneficiary cut forever!), and always stayed connected with your followers via push notification!\n\nPartiko also rewards you with Partiko Points (3000 Partiko Point bonus when you first use it!), and Partiko Points can be converted into Steem tokens. You can earn Partiko Points easily by making posts and comments using Partiko.\n\nWe also noticed that your Steem Power is low. We will be very happy to delegate 15 Steem Power to you once you have made a post using Partiko! With more Steem Power, you can make more posts and comments, and earn more rewards!\n\nIf that all sounds interesting, you can: \n\n- Download Partiko Android at [Google Play](http://bit.ly/2SRFIta)\n- Or Download Partiko iOS on the [App Store](https://apple.co/2PcXkSd)\n\nThank you so much for reading this message!",
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      "author": "suburbanaddict",
      "body": "![solsticetree.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmU5hPbheeuevSaG4qTc2VTkumh6iSLfoaHhXv9uUcKssJ/solsticetree.jpg)\n\nFor those who were there and tried from the start\nKeeping me guided through times in the dark\nYou still hold me up but my heart it weighs more\nThan things first began and the pain you endured\nI try to keep honest and committed to see\nThrough what I’ve sought out to accomplish and be\nWhen the purpose in life is to live but be free\nI wonder why all this shit’s happened to me\nThe pain that we share it’s not just to say\nThat these paths we all choose there’s no better way\nWe try to make light of the way things turn out\nTo take meaning from things we know nothing about\nSo as you observe and find solace through me\nJust know I look back and pray you’ll too be free\nOf struggle and pain it’s the same we endure\nNo different in time, just some can take more\nInvested in you, find comfort in me\nThis too shall pass, in time you will see\n\nLooking back, you will find there were and will always be two kinds of friends:  Those that were there, and those that were there, but never really there at all.\n\nIt’s hard to keep your mind from diving into thoughts of frustration, or hate towards some people.  For one, it’s a natural thing to do when you don’t have the conversations you should, and two, when the fact of the matter is your problems are yours anyway.  All of them.\n\nIf you never had fucked up to begin with, none of this would be an issue, and you wouldn’t have to worry about which friends fall on either side of that fence.  This whole turbulent process of addiction though, is just a large and more real version of the smaller issues in life.  The smaller ones are easier for people to be there for and stand as evidence for their supporting nature, but they aren’t the true tests.\n\nThe problem with addiction, is that it’s self-inflicted in the eyes of others.  “Why would he do that, isn’t he happy?”, they might ask.  So while if something tragic happens to you, and you can almost guarantee their support, when it comes to a problem based on a choice you made, the only people invested in you are those close enough to feel responsible; either for what lead you to making that decision, or helping you overcome it.  Those people likely include your family, and closest friends.  Trust this statement though: Your time with them is borrowed, and they can only give so much before your issue becomes theirs.  Recognize this and appreciate their support, not because it’s limited, but because of what they represent.  Show your appreciation by showing them progress, or all trust can and will be lost.\n\nThen there are all the others.  They may have empathy for your situation, but at the end of the day don’t care or don’t have the time to, and rightfully so.  In their eyes you are both adults, capable of making your own decisions, right or wrong.  They likely won’t ever understand the deeper levels or meaning of your addiction, not just because of it’s complexity, but also because they aren’t willing to invest their time to learn.  That is of course, until it impacts someone they love or care about.  Regardless, you must not let the perspective of onlookers impede your progress.  No doubt you will imagine conversations you’d have with them if given the opportunity, but these visions will not serve you, as they act only as a cartoon reel playing out in the worst ways.  This is what your anger desires and thrives upon.  So think of a better way to use what you already know will be, for a greater and more purposeful motivation.  You may find the purpose in proving them wrong, or that you are capable of making the right decisions for yourself.  Perhaps you will find a greater purpose though in helping others, with the possibility of it even being one of them one day.\n\nJust as the world operates, this is how things will play out during your darkest times of pain and struggle.  Take the opportunity in these experiences to practice forgiveness.  Not because they are wrong, but because you likely would behave the same in their position.  We all deserve to make decisions for ourselves, but more importantly its the opportunity to learn and improve from the wrong ones.  See yourself as the catalyst for a transformation in yourself and others, it’s what the future you would want, and that person will come to fruition before you know it.",
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{
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      "author": "suburbanaddict",
      "body": "![600_Vibration_1.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmQQpzMGjZ6X8r5pXCuYZWAchw5K5gtadHXpy6XdEZuUji/600_Vibration_1.jpg)\n\n\"Let your growth be a gift to them. Let them see it, let them feel it.\"\n\nThe last year of addiction is certainly a blur when looked back upon.  Often it is filled with a number of failures, some more record breaking than others on a personal level.  Others built on top of previous mistakes, leading you to state of, “I’ve had enough of this”.  A lot of what you repeatedly risk is then stacked against you, and there’s not much left to lose other than yourself, and you recognize it.  You begin to see most friends and family have grown used to your ways, and they realize it’s not on them anymore.  That in itself is a powerful realization, when you see others are putting the recovery process in your hands.  Not in a supportive way though, they’re sick of dealing with it themselves.  It makes you realize the issue too big for them to help you overcome.  As a result, you begin making the right decisions for yourself and no one else.\n\nIt’s not just about the right decisions, but new ones based on the light you see. As if you’ve had tunnel vision, and you’re just now coming into the full view.  A difficult part about this process is the acceptance of how far you’ve set yourself back.  You realize this only when you see how much work is involved inside just one year.  Take a step back, and you can see how much beyond that first year is yet to be accomplished, more importantly maintained. A humbling moment, but sometimes those moments can scare you, which is a good thing.  You need to experience fear again, it’s a guide to steer you away from wrong decisions.\n\nPutting skin in the game is a large part of the last twelve months, especially towards end.  For many, they’ve impacted relationships with others beyond repair, especially trust.  Once trust is gone, it’s hard for anyone to believe you’re making a run at recovery.  In their eyes, it’s just another selfish plug of yours, to upkeep an image and buy yourself time between now and the next guilt-ridden high.  Not to add another brick to the wall of problems, but you now must prove yourself to others in order to get their support.  Even if only emotional support, or the confidence they’re rooting for you, is enough.\n\nSo you must ask yourself, are you serious about this?  If not, and you blow it, it’s just another pattern you’ve formed which must take it’s own course.  This time though, the pattern will consist of other people’s perspectives, bound by your lies and failed promises.  If you’re serious and believe this is it, then you’ve got to put skin in the game by making commitments to the right people.  Those who are willing to put themselves on the line, with the potential to be disappointed and endure you failures.\n\nStart by contacting those people, and perhaps making a list of commitments to them for the next few months. This may include calling them regularly, seeing how they are, keeping them informed on how you are, and taking part in outings you haven’t in some time.  After all they probably stopped inviting you to those events, and rightfully so.  Find ways, and confirm with them, which ones will help gain their trust and support again.\n\nThe greatest influence you can make on others throughout this turning point in your life, is by showing your improvement naturally.  No matter where you are in the process, what they want to see is improvement.  This comes secondary to you making good on past mistakes.\n\nLet your growth be a gift to them. Let them see it, let them feel it.",
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{
  "block": 27185494,
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      "author": "suburbanaddict",
      "body": "![8e566f786bb6a3e51952c4ba66d97ce5.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmRVdCwcBP1ddSXkuHcv6JPcy4BRRirRtfZCARs22MuhnG/8e566f786bb6a3e51952c4ba66d97ce5.jpg)\n\nMy mind is numb\nI feel no pain, I feel no joy\nOblige me now please, real mccoy\nOne last try I swear, I don’t lie\nPlease hold me over, til’ I’m ready to die\nIn time I’ll be better, I promise you’ll see\nJust a while longer, I’ll soon be me\nIn time I’ll make better, I promise you’ll see\nJust one last penny, I swear this ain’t me\nIn time I’ll be done, I promise you’ll see\nJust one last high, I’ll soon be free\n\nThe depths we dive to get what desire are truly remarkable.  Like setting a bar for yourself, but in the the opposite direction, or in a progressively self-destructive manor. Shocked at every time the bar is surpassed, you find a new “low” or now standard of maintenance. You continue on though because the experience is worth the sacrifice, and there is still plenty more to sacrifice.  It begins with your money and possessions, then onto the possessions of others.  First your family, then your friends, then anyone in your path.  Eventually you reach a point where every high must be worked for, even earned, in a sad sense.  The moral effort to do so though, comes from digging deeper than you ever have before.  Beyond the self-defined image of what you once were, or what possessions and achievements once made you “you”.  Beyond rock bottom where it’s all been stripped away, you now take from the same world that’s brought you up since day one.  Scrounging to use any days blessing in exchange for one more release, you buy yourself time, and trust me, that’s all that’s left.\n\nIf progression holds true, and what you once had is now gone, then what’s beyond the dirt you keep digging just to survive?\n\nMost will come to find the nerve or pulse to their purpose of being.  The part of them that’s truly in pain.  There is no digging or sacrifice left beyond this point though, there is no way to mask it.  Only death, only change, only life.",
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      "author": "suburbanaddict",
      "body": "thank you council, very much.",
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      "author": "council",
      "body": "I upvoted your post. \r\n\r\nBest regards,\r\n@Council\r\n\r\nPosted using https://Steeming.com condenser site.",
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{
  "block": 26208711,
  "op": [
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      "author": "suburbanaddict",
      "body": "![6991637-digital-abstract-eye.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmZ6QRgZ1iH8oUQfVh9PSnY6QzyG241yDT6DdVsXKKLDxf/6991637-digital-abstract-eye.jpg)\n\nThere are three elements to addiction; the life you lead, the pain it causes, and the drug to hold you up.  In the early stages of addiction you are neither aware of the pain, nor the lifestyle that’s causing it.  For this time period, the opiates will continue to dominate your life until the true pain point is identified.  In regard to the life you lead, this can include your environment, upbringing, beliefs, family, friends, and everything in-between.\n\nOver time the opiates will begin to lose their effectiveness, leaving an addict with two choices; increase the experience, or identify the purpose it serves.  This is where age and maturity tends to come into play, as many at a young age do not want to explore their lives in such a way.  Exploration for the youth rather comes in the form of experimentation, which can lead to deeper holes, further lessening one’s awareness and ability to recover.\n\nFor those that do choose to explore the causes of their addiction, this can be done through forms of therapy or group work, practical or spiritual. Anything that forces you to take a step outside of yourself and look inwards, will result in some form of a behavioral change.  Identifying the purpose however can take time, and should be viewed as a layered process rather than one single moment or discovery.  For many there are significant “shifting” moments of realization, that in essence change the course or direction of a life.  As humans, sometimes all we need is an adjustment of our perceptional lens, allowing us to envision a new and improved version of ourselves.  From this point we begin to make decisions that support new patterns of living.  As those new patterns are formed, so are new emotions that do not require the support of opiates or drug use.\n\nYears ago my brother asked that I participate in a large group awareness and self-improvement training.    Looking back on the experience, it was more an interactive group therapy session with intense exploration of your past.  Part of the intense exploration included a dive into your childhood, with the theory that one or two experiences in-particular had a direct impact on your strengths and weaknesses.  The weakness or limiting pattern of behavior is then targeted with the intent to be broken down, re-invented, and replaced with a new one.  As the new belief or outlook is formed as a verbal statement or series of sentences, it is reinforced through application to real-life experiences.\n\nAfter two days of contemplation, my memory finally served up a traumatic experience with my father at the age of 7.  I recalled receiving my first report card, which included one poor grade on a particular area of development.  My father (likely with good intentions), sat me down and began to crack my nose with his finger, all while communicating the bad things to come if I did not achieve good grades.  From this point on, my outlook on life was one of “If you do not achieve X, it will result in Y”, rather than seeing all experiences as an opportunity to succeed and grow.  Nevertheless, the past is not to be harped on, especially when you are presented with the opportunity to change such a pattern as an adult.  Over the next several weeks and coming months, I was consciously able to recognize the old pattern and begin to form another.  Years later, I can say with confidence both my outlook and emotions have changed for the better.\n\nThere will always be multiple attempts by an addict to stop using.  True progress however starts with the acknowledgement that there was a reason it all began in the first place, and true change must come from the inside out.  Those who make the attempt from from the outside in, are likely to find themselves in a pattern of relapse.",
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    {
      "author": "suburbanaddict",
      "body": "Thank you JBW, appreciate the positive support.  I'm in the process of writing this book on addiction, will continue to release small portions through this platform.  Please do share with anyone struggling in need of guidance.",
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      "body": "Man this is deep.  I felt the fear and anxiety through this writing.",
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{
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      "body": "![abstract_sketch_by_patrickryant-d9ubeom.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmWsQLupjyEtP45Jbk2ss89CCFsRNWQdsy8fYJiCJScz85/abstract_sketch_by_patrickryant-d9ubeom.jpg)\n\nIt’s unreal to think back on just how many trips I made to buy drugs, and even more so how few close calls there were.  Think about the situation you are openly putting yourself in.  Going into unsafe territories with cash on hand, to make an illegal transaction, all while looking suspect (either because you’re nervous, or withdrawing).\n\nMy daily process consisted of waiting until my dealer woke up (somewhere around 5PM), only to then wait on his text reply two hours later, finally being told to come through.  Before heading out, I would always up with a story on where I was headed in case anyone asked.  Mind you that story then had to match up with the amount of time I was gone, so this added to the pressure of completing the trip within the perfect window (and trust me, things rarely go perfect when buying drugs).  So I’d leave the house and head to the ATM, all while having cringeworthy thoughts about the money I was wasting with each trip.  Eventually you bring yourself to complete the transaction (like tearing off a band-aid), and at that point are usually committed 100%.  Before arriving to your destination, time is usually spent contemplating what the fuck you’re doing, or coming up with a story in the event you get pulled over.\n\nThat destination for me was Paterson, NJ.  Deep into the concrete jungle I’d venture, no doubt looking like a suspect white kid who’s got no business being there.  The locals have a saying, “If you ain’t from here, then either you coppin’ (buying), or you a cop”.  Fortunately for my dealers personal and financial well-being, I was always copping.  Once I got there, it was always to go park and wait on some sketch street, as discretely as possible.  Meanwhile anxiety is flowing through you with every passing minute, wondering if you’re about to be approached by a local or undercover.\n\nThink about how numb or addicted you must be to subject yourself to this process every day. I recall one day accidentally winding up on a street called Godwin avenue, the worst street in the city for drugs, violence and murder.  Before addiction, there was no chance in hell I’d be caught on anywhere in Paterson.  Once you’re an addict though, these risks do not outweigh the benefit, it’s your well-being on the line.\n\nEventually you make your way out.  Product in-hand, sweating, eyes on the rear-view, wondering if today’s the day things come to an end.  Well, one day it all almost came to a screeching halt.  It was around 6PM, sun was going down, and I’d just pulled off with pills in-hand.  Now on this particular day I’d been withdrawing more than usual because of how little I used the day prior.  Light after light, the withdrawal symptoms seem to grow tenfold with each passing minute.  So, the genius that I was thought of the bright idea to pull over and use on the highway shoulder.  Now for anyone that has experience crushing up and snorting pills, you know it’s a much more difficult process inside a car (yet alone driving behind the wheel).  Five minutes later, after finding the right surface to crush everything up, balanced on my lap, I was good-to-go.  As I rolled up the last bill in my wallet (dollar bill), I glance up at my rear view to see a cop car coming up the hill…and he’s pulling beside me.  My heart is racing.  I’m fucked.\n\nKnowing all too well scrambling is not an option (with everything on my lap), I think quick and grab my phone while playing intensely with the radio.  At this point he’s now pulled up beside me with his window down, but I pretend not to see him for just a few seconds.  Eventually I act surprised and pull down my window, at which point he asks “Is everything ok?”.  I replied, “Yessir, I’m sorry this bluetooth setup with my phone isn’t working and I didn’t want to cause an accident”.  Meanwhile just six inches below his line of vision, I’ve got a magazine laid out with 4 lines of blue powder and a loosely rolled dollar bill right beside me.  He smiles, “Good, hurry up and get back on the road this isn’t a safe spot to be pulled over”.  With my heart in my stomach, I let out a sigh of deep relief as he pulls away.",
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      "body": "![Metodo-Demeny-armonia-del-movimento-umano.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmbTSdoe5q4zBLokrsA7HPDph1gE5vBNDX7xtSbzhZ8Vpg/Metodo-Demeny-armonia-del-movimento-umano.jpg)\n\nSo you’ve decided to stop, and are putting your best foot forward.  You put in the effort, and formulate a game plan for success.  The timeline is set, schedule organized, exercise and diet plan ready, expectations are aligned.  Every part of this game plan may be perfect, except for the expectations.  When reality does not meet our expectations, is where we often get tripped up.  When things don’t go according to plan, and we so closely hold our character accountable for this, it’s a failure since we are the one’s who miscalculated.  Maybe it’s not about the perfect game plan though, or how you execute it.  Maybe it’s about the plan’s imperfections, and how you handle the subsequent situations.  It’s not about backup game plans either, but rather being aware of failure, and more importantly knowing you have a choice to make in those moments.\n\nThere are two areas of withdrawal that lead you to relapse; physical and mental.  The physical challenges are more difficult and what we plan most for.  This is because they are tangible, and have an immediate impact on you.  The more experience you have with the process, the less difficult each time around (relatively).  Increased experience in handling physical withdrawals is dangerous.  Mainly because as your confidence grows, so does your willingness repeat the process.  What we don’t account for however is the mental challenge, simply because it’s the longer and less traveled road.  It was the mental challenge that lead you to using in the first place, knowingly or not.  So how could you possibly expect to succeed now, when those mental challenges are greater and you have grown weaker?\n\nLooking back on my first relapse, there was no recognition of what lied ahead other than get through the physical withdrawals.  From there it was taking life head on to see how I would fair.  I faired poorly.  At the very first sign of adversity or struggle, I realized the personal reward associated with overcoming it was no longer an option.  There was no alternative, nothing to support the transition, no one to express my emotions.  In that moment and for many to come, I chose to relapse.",
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{
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      "author": "suburbanaddict",
      "body": "![884970b6a353589558778849f09a4e34.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmXhkMHESf8Gn7B7fjRPKvJvWV54yMnmkGL1tkv2d7h2ry/884970b6a353589558778849f09a4e34.jpg)\n\nI see the light\nand am the dark from which it escapes\nExposed patterns of limitation\nBreak way to lines of creation\n\nI see as I am, for I am not what I see\nWhat I see is within, the choice to see me\n\nI hear the sound\nand am the space from which it takes shape\nPlatonic moments of silence\nForm signs of vibrational guidance\n\nI hear as I am, for I am not what I hear\nWhat I hear is within, the choice to hear me\n\nI feel the vibration\nand am the medium through which it expands\nFree form in oscillation\nA spiritual path to evocation\n\nI feel as I am, for I am not what I feel\nWhat I feel is within, the choice to feel me",
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{
  "block": 24300673,
  "op": [
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    {
      "author": "suburbanaddict",
      "body": "![1957efa45c0fff0.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmbB8PF7CBPHcVHgT14g4xzuu49cQPbnjNPq2z4GffR1bF/1957efa45c0fff0.jpg)\n\n\"There is no greater, there is no lesser.  Only balance.\"\n~ Robert A. Monroe ~\n\nI swear, this is the last time…\nI swear, THIS is the last time.\nI swear, this IS the last time.\nI swear, this is the…last…time.\n\nCan you count on your hands the number of times you've said you were stopping? For most of us it's a damn joke, a statement we constantly utilize to bridge our guilt and emotions to the world where we continue to use. It serves as an exit point you know you want to take (and at times say you will), but for now it will remain a distant thought…one to revisit once in a while, and \"assure\" yourself it will happen…in time.\n\nSomewhere along the line, you begin to revisit the thought of that exit door more often. This is usually a good sign, or at least one representative of turning your ship in the right direction. For the times where you attempt to walk through that door and didn't, try not to ride down on yourself too hard - that's one attempt more than you had before, to be stacked on all previous attempts which now serves as your foundation of progress. I'm sure you can recall countless times where you came to a crossroad of whether or not to use, filling you with an overwhelming sense of guilt and disappointment. Each time though, you managed to break through that wall…strengthening your ability to over-power your emotions, and in essence become your own worst enemy.\n\nRemember that even though you've developed quite a talent of ignoring your natural emotions, your spirit will always remain it's true self. All other physical aspects you believe to encapsulate who you've become, are 100% changeable. Note that prior to this time period of addiction, there's probably 15-20 years of \"you\" that was stimulated by the natural highs of living. So take a moment to reflect on that period of your life, because it was real - a journey of challenge and growth, rewarded with what you knew to be true, warm, happy moments.\n\nSo…do you really think only so many years of addiction can win against 15-20 years of natural growth?\n\nThe answer is no, it can't…but in order to make that a reality, you've got to start putting some of your eggs in the right basket. Even if only a couple at a time, treat this process as an investment opportunity for yourself - one to eventually grow and serve as a protective barrier against the smaller demons that want in. You've lived majority of your life going through 50% struggle and 50% reward, which is how it's supposed to be…it's what makes the good times good, and the bad times bad. Over a short period of time though, you've now built a house of smoke and mirrors that on the outside says \"10% struggle and 90% reward\" - but on the inside is 100% struggle.\n\nLet's turn this one around - not to go back to the beginning, but a new direction. One where you can look back on everything with thanks, because without it all you wouldn't be where you are now…on a one way path that leads to only higher heights and new beginnings.",
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{
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  "op": [
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      "author": "suburbanaddict",
      "body": "![20-best-painting-images-on-pinterest-drawing-ideas-animales-and-abstract-art-with-deep-meaning.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmVHQY52cvPKvLPBMPLCj9YEDZSwxyxLVJsJ284Sdt1RVT/20-best-painting-images-on-pinterest-drawing-ideas-animales-and-abstract-art-with-deep-meaning.jpg)\n\nFirst Time\n\nThe first try might be one of the sweetest, most love-filled blanketing moments you can experience.  At the time nothing comes close to it, nothing ever will.  Like one of your first happy moments as a child, every emotion fades away and is replaced with an overwhelming sense of love and warmth.  Anything you experience at the particular time, is by far more incredible than it’s ever been.  Suddenly you find yourself in a state of complete optimism for life and any challenge it has to offer.  In fact, the challenges are fun to think about.  The moment itself is something you never want to end, meanwhile already contemplating the next use.  From this point on, no experience can compete in giving the same sensation.  While you have no real grasp for the potential problems that lie ahead, in that moment you honestly don’t care.\n\nFortunately for some, this first experience turns out to be the last.  Typically driven by the aftermath of getting ill, or just scared about how good it really was.  Sadly though, for many it is not the last.  You may go through a first-time sickness, but in the end it stands powerless to the inevitable desire for repeated use.  Worst of all, you have no idea of the purpose it’s serving, either at that time or for the foreseeable future.  You’ve fallen through a trap door leading to others, with harder falls and steeper climbs to the surface.  No one is there to warn you of what’s yet to come.\n\nFirst Week\n\nIt takes time to build up to daily use, but eventually you reach a point of consecutive days and think “wow, I should probably stop and take a break”.  Well, let’s say you do take that break.  Unfortunately you’ve now set a new record, acting as your own personal boundary or governance (for the time being).  In time that will become the new baseline, which you’ll meet a few times and take your planned break again without issue.  Soon enough you will break the pattern by adding a few more days of consecutive use.  Congratulations, you have now used for a week straight.  How alarming, yet everything still seems alright.\n\nAmidst this new self-proclaimed boundary, you’ve now begun to see it’s impact on the stress and anxiety weekdays impose upon you.  What a relief to now wake every day knowing that no matter how hard or steep the climb, at the end lies a reward to wash it all away.  What you’re not aware of is that with each cycle, the stress and anxiety grows greater.  Not because the stress or anxiety holds any more power than before, but because you’ve grown weaker.  Oh how easy it would be at this point, if only you were in-tune to the life altering decisions being made.  The decision to sacrifice yourself for a moment of relief from (all) things that burden you.  Soon to be surpassed by the (one) thing that trumps them all, addiction.\n\nFirst Month\n\nFour weeks in, the conscious existence of “you” prior to use is still there.  Enough to keep you anchored with no true concern of losing your grip on reality.  Little things you begin to notice though, like how much your checking account balance has gone down, or how going out isn’t quite as fun on it’s own anymore.  At this point you’re looking up from every possible angle, considering what (this) experience would be like on opiates.  It’s simply better, and you believe it.\n\nOnce a week you contemplate the possibility of putting a stop to this freight train.  At this point though you understand the gravity of the situation, yet still underestimate the power of addiction.  It’s not that you can’t stop cold turkey (anyone can do this), but rather your ability to truly separate yourself from the pattern that’s manifested.  This separation is dependent on ensuring you spend enough time away from the drug.  Remember at this point it’s only one month of use against an entire lifetime of normalcy.  Allow your(self) to take over, and regain the strength that exists within.  Drug use only makes you weaker to what you were already susceptible.  So you not only want to lay out a time period as your goal, but include a plan of how you will spend it.  Identify your weaknesses, attack them head-on no matter the cost or embarrassment.  It’s potentially your life on the line, and the last chance to turn back.\n\nFirst Year\n\n365 days, reality sets in.  Full recognition there’s a problem, but the drug is serving you so well it out-weighs any desire to address the issue.  You continue on.  You block out your conscious and keep your foot on the gas pedal.  In your mind, you’re young and it’s cool to be fucking around at this age.  Better yet, you’ve got many years to figure things out.  The recognition that “it’s too late” has not set in.  When you start, you most definitely don’t envision yourself in the same mess 5-10 years later.  In your mind you’ve got enough time to bring the issue full circle, yet you aren’t calculating all the lost time you’ll want back to rebuild.  While not acknowledged personally, your boat has now left the dock and heads toward the horizon of uncertainty.  The outlook is downright terrifying.  No utter, no ore, no sense of direction.  Carried by the tide of an uncontrollable force, your ability to gain control is far beyond reach.  You can only hope and trust something greater is at work.",
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{
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      "author": "suburbanaddict",
      "body": "![static1.squarespace.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmacujgRiu8c76MT3imbyZ4v8dHVukoAqcAQuSH5ZxfMnf/static1.squarespace.jpg)\n\n\"I'm holding on, to what I haven't got\"\n~Chester Bennington\n\nFinding a balance, a balance between what you have and don’t have - it’s critical in the survival and turning point to your recovery.  Whatever you have that’s expendable, you’re addiction’s going to chew through it like the remaining fat left on a bone.  There are many types of addicts out there from all walks of life, both rich or poor, and the truth is we all place a different value on life.  To a degree, I don’t think any addicts truly value their lives, or even more so the opportunities and blessings offered each day.  We’re all aware of the term “rock bottom” used religiously in the stories of addiction, but there’s something beyond that first layer that tells more of a story.\n\nLeading up to our addiction, or at least the hardest parts, we’re all accustomed to a certain level of living.  Certain moments remind us of who we are, or who we once were.  Over time though, without us even being aware, this previous image or status of  “self” dissipates.  Diminished so far beyond recognition, that the only way to realize this is by losing more than we ever thought we could.\n\nSo the question then is how soon each of us wants to begin this process, because honestly it’s only a matter of time before we begin to lose what we are destined to lose.  There is only one way in and out of this mess, should you choose to exit.  As an example, the beginning of this change for me was moving to a new location.  One that financially required my time and hard-earned dollars.  This new form of living doesn’t just take from you though, it gives back in many other ways.  For everything I put in, for every ounce of effort I give, I get back.  This is part of the simple fact of life that what you put in, you will get out.  No matter the circumstances, no matter the cost.  It’s the laws of the universe we all are privileged to operate within.",
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      "body": "![burn_p_by_agnes_cecile-d70nrvb.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmYduvLBwme9MiaHPVgL5mwa2gHzkqWb8e84BfxDGUkVQe/burn_p_by_agnes_cecile-d70nrvb.jpg)\n\nWake up, contemplate how much I used the night before.  Fuck, another blow to my bank account.  How am I gonna make up for this one? That's it, today's the day I'm stopping, so go damn fed up.  Contemplate some more, lay in bed, might as well try to enjoy the remaining high I got left.  It isn't much though, the awesome wave has passed and now I'm left with this murky film still separating my mind from reality.\n\nAfternoon rolls in, I've officially accomplished nothing with my day.  Time to stare at my pathetic bank account and figure out how I'm gonna pay for this months bills while still making room for some drug money.  Jesus christ how can I keep doing this?!  How many more times is it gonna take for me to break? I'm not a man, I'm a fucking boy who can't get out of his own way.  Stop, stop beating yourself down so hard, you've come so far.  There will be a time where all of this is over, and you'll have your life back along with everything that makes you happy.  A sense of relief washes over, no sense in sitting here beating myself up.  Things will change, they have to, eventually.  They're not gonna change tomorrow though, so who cares if I get high tonight again, right?  Wrong, you idiot.\n\nNight comes, thinking over the things I could go out and do with friends.  Anything other than getting high, that's the right move.  Ugh but I don't want to go out with these withdrawal sensations, sweating at the bar, getting tired early, literally having zero drive for anything other than to use.  Fuck it, i'll wind up spending sixty dollars or more out at the bar anyway, why not put it to use for pills instead.  I know I'm gonna wind up using tomorrow anyway even if I do go out tonight, so more money in my pocket right? Wrong you piece of shit, but go ahead and do what your gonna do anyway.  No one's watching.\n\nArrive at the ATM, take my card out to withdraw money.  Every move is so painful.  Just do it quick, like a bandaid, the pain will be over soon.  Hop in my car, make the call, start heading towards the fucking epicenter of opiates and any other kind of drug.  Think about how much I'm willing to put at risk with every trip like this I take.  What if tonight's the night I get caught?  I'll get locked up, pay fines, have a record, lose my job, lose everything.  Maybe only then would THAT be the end of all this bullshit.  Is that what it's going to take?  Will that even stop me in the grand scheme of things?\n\nPull up, make the call, park.  Try to sit and chill out as inconspicuously as possible. Ha, yeah good luck with that.  Just sit and pray you don't run into trouble.  Get in, get out, you've done it hundreds of times before.  \n\nPhone rings, relief, he's coming.  20 minutes pass, where the fuck is he?!  Mother fucker, I can't take this bullshit, every time.  This isn't fucking worth the stress.  Phone rings, he's here, finally.  Make the exchange, time to get the fuck out of dodge before something goes wrong.  Start making my way out of town, while every second staring into my rearview just waiting for those lights to go on.  What's my plan?  What will I say? Fuck it, just go, you'll be out soon enough.\n\nFinally, I'm home.  Jesus christ what a process to go through.  It's all over now though, time to enjoy.  Walking up the stairs and into my place I can't help but wonder is tonight the night I overdose? Nah, you're good, you've done this over a hundred times.  Just do it responsibly, whatever the fuck that means.  Sit down, take out the goods and set them on the table next to me.  Think about how I'm gonna split this stuff up over the next few hours.  Crush up the first set, roll that one single dollar I have left in my wallet….take down that first big line of blue powder.  Beautiful.  Sit back, relax.  The amazing warmth and sense of security washes over my entire body.  Every thought that enters my mind comes with complete optimism and excitement, life is so good.  Everything's going to be fine, you deserve this after all you've been through.  Time for the next set, not as awesome as the first, but still so sweet.  Hours roll by, start to nod out.  One pill left, which at this point won't do anything more than put me under.  Maybe I should save it for tomorrow?  Nah, fuck it.  Pass out.\n\n5AM.  Wake up to the TV still on, mouth is dry, headache coming on.  Get some water, go back to sleep.\n\n11AM.  Wake up, shades open, the bright sun overwhelms my eyes.  Sounds of the world coming from outside, sounds of all the people who aren't addicted, who don't have to watch themselves ruin their own lives with no control.  Fucking christ what have I done, what am I doing?!  I'm so scared.  I have no one to go to, yet refuse to go to anyone.  No one will understand, my life will be over.  This has to end…I'll die if it doesn't.",
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      "author": "suburbanaddict",
      "body": "![sief-hamza_fb004_650.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmS4avxZoGEBneVYkgJW9K89ki28yqzbrAU8jp24ZqhoAe/sief-hamza_fb004_650.jpg)\n\nI've always been curious whether or not our addictive tendencies existed before addiction.  If yes, then to what extent, and were they as strong as they are now?\n\nI believe they've always been there, maybe not as strong or noticeable as now, but I think we've all enjoyed the sense of reward and comfort certain moments can provide.  Our addictive minds go far beyond these end results though, into a layered web of complex reasoning that we'll never master or fully understand.  The true objective is to grow our awareness.  Awareness of our surroundings and vulnerabilities that lie in the darkness, waiting to trip us up.  A friend once said that it's not our addiction we must fear, but the experiences in life that can lead us back to it.  I think after I first heard this, I immediately began to envision what those events could be for myself, and more importantly how I could avoid them.  Over time though I've realized avoidance is simply not an option, and that life will present these challenges whether I feel I'm ready or not.\n\nSo what are some of the addictive tendencies you're already aware of?  Can you envision the challenges life may bring, and how you will respond?\n\nInstant gratification is one I must always be in-tune to.  For as long as I can remember, I've always lived life looking for the next best adventure or experience to bring me joy.  Once I find it, I'll soak it up until there is nothing left to absorb…at least from what it can provide in the short term.  Food, music, girls (GIRLS!), and of course now, drugs.  All of these areas I'll continue to explore like a bee, flying around from one flower to the next in search of the ultimate high.  Sometimes I like to blame it on the world we grew up in though, filled with all of the temptations and desires most of us will never achieve because of our need for \"more\".\n\nHow this can be controlled rests with our practice of limiting what we enjoy.  Doing things in moderation isn't always easy, but it should at least be practiced on the more simple things in life in preparation for those greater.  Remember, it's our routines that will produce the emotions we desire.  Right now our emotions tie to the old routines we continuously engage in, so to begin a new routine means creating a new emotion, and in essence changing the chemical makeup of our decision-making.\n\nNow I believe there are fine lines between where this should and should not be applied.  For one, sometimes obsession is the very thing that can lead us down paths to greatness.  My point here though is just to be aware of the possibility that things can get old, and in a rather short period of time depending on how deep you dive in.  This is not to steer anyone away from their dreams, or muzzle their passion for new areas of discovery…but rather to remind us of the fact that nothing in life is forever.  So if you have found a new path or direction in life to move in, take it in stride as tomorrow may open new doors.  Your awareness of your surroundings while in exploration is the key to becoming the master of your journey.",
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      "body": "![poppyskeleethreeported_by_cosmickat-d7i9o2g.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmTCoUgaWVqVe7Y2xhSZEzo8J6jq4ToeYdqZE3C3yS9jWi/poppyskeleethreeported_by_cosmickat-d7i9o2g.jpg)\n\nWith each relapse, the harder the fall, the steeper the climb…back to a world of uncertainty, and vulnerable to the feelings we've grown so distant from familiar.  Over time, life gives back to us as reward for our new choices, but will always bring back challenge.  Overcoming challenge however, leads us to a greater gift in life…the strength to continue onwards.\n\nAfter a night of using, for the first time in several weeks...all that remains is a sense of regret, and what seems to be an invisible film barring my conscious mind from a world of sense and clarity.  The amazing part of this experience is my ability to still see the real world, regardless of the lasting effects this drug has left behind.  This exists only because my senses have not yet been covered with enough muck to render them useless…and I do not intend to bury them this time around.\n\nI'm thankful for taking the time to write that opening...even though it was one year ago, after my first relapse.  It serves as the small foundation for what I hope, no, what I know, will be the first step toward completing this story.\n\nThe most incredible, terrible and yet interesting thing about relapsing is that it all stems from the choice to take that leap again.  I once thought that choice could be a one-time action, and would easily be controllable.  Wrong.  There are no if’s, and’s or but’s about this statement - and that is if you're willing to take ONE pill, ONE hit, ONE try...then you my friend are willing to drop all the way back to ground zero.  Majority of addicts relapse simply because we believe we’re in control.  In reality we have no control over our weakness, we never have and never will.  The sooner this is accepted and surrendered to, the sooner we’ll have control over the uncontrollable.\n\nCommonly, to \"surrender\" is interpreted as one's decision to quit or give up.  The kind of surrender I'm talking about involves letting go of your limiting beliefs.  The same beliefs that made you fight every day of you're life to convince yourself that you are just fine.  Well, I'm here to tell you that you (or your loved one) are not just fine…and guess what, that is fine!  \n\nWe are what we are in this world, no matter how you look at it - but the best part about our journey is the incredible skill sets acquired along the way.  So quit being so hard on yourself, you deserve credit for what you're doing.\n\nThe most valuable skill set we possess, but not always realize is our ability to live in the present.  Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute...whatever is needed to get you through and to the other side.  Whether it's because of your addiction, or recovery, this amazing ability must be taken with you and applied to all aspects of life.\n\n90% of humans, addicts or not, continuously project their thoughts into the future.  You must try to catch yourself projecting:\n\n“How am I going to make it another week?\"\n...Your not, what your gonna do is make it through this moment, and the next until TODAY is over.\n\n“Work is going to be so hard this week, I’m will hate it!\"\n...No, tomorrow has yet to arrive.  You will take it hour by hour until you reclaim the calm of living in the present.",
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      "body": "![1-holding-hands-michael-volpicelli-.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmeS2rabUdAwJ4SPCK1UxPzf4WwcaBuyZ7VkVmr8oMckQX/1-holding-hands-michael-volpicelli-.jpg)\n\nIt's critical that we're brought up to view challenges as opportunities for growth, rather than obstacles that we must drag ourselves through to completion.  Often our natural tendency is to worry more about the negative outcomes of a situation, rather than draw excitement from the thought of success we're bound to achieve.  As much as I love my parents and am grateful for the life they provided me, I can always remember a time or situation that was presented to me in the manner of \"If you don't do X, then it will result in Y\".  I recall a time in the 3rd grade when I received a poor report card , my father hit me and explained how bad life would turn out if I didn't do well in school.  As much as I don't doubt his intentions were good, I specifically recall this putting knots in my stomach and just an overall feeling of worry and fear.  \n\nTo this day those same knots build in my stomach when a challenge arises...and while my natural response system is not that of excitement, it's not too late to start developing new habits (and in this case a very constructive one).\n\nThis goes a little deeper than just a change in perspective, though.  While it’s important to see the opportunity in every challenge, the absence of this \"ideal\" take on life often goes hand-in-hand with a lack of motivation.  We all can relate to a time or situation where no matter how hard we tried, we simply could not muster up an ounce of motivation...be it algebra class, a school paper, yard work (pick your poison).\n\nThe important point to highlight here is that we all have our trigger - a sweet spot that if touched, opens the doors to a world of natural talent and ability.  Somewhere along the lines though we lose site of this, and our natural talents are buried under a pile of \"unchecked boxes\" society has so conveniently laid out for us.  Now I'm not knocking society, because it's society that provides outlets to millions of people in need of a better life.  However I can't help but feel as though I've been duped into believing that (College Major X) + (Career Path Y) = (Salary & Stability Z), with (Z) representing a lifetime of happiness, or enough to keep me at bay until I reach \"the golden years\".\n\nThere is no doubt that I'm thankful for this life and would not trade it for the world, but up until about a couple months ago the only footsteps I could see were the ones I took in the wrong direction.  As more time passes, I'm now beginning to see those steps are part of a cause to turn my life into something much greater.\n\nWhat kind of path are you on right now?  Are you happy with the person you're growing into?\n\nIt's no where near too late for change.  Treat life as though it will never end.  Just a on-going cycle where opportunity meets determination.  If not tomorrow, then the next day.  If not the next day, then next week.  As Jim Carrey once said, \"Things will happen if just put yourself out there, because things are always happening\".\n\nYou're time will come, it's inevitable…it's just a question of how soon you want it to.",
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      "body": "![4f16a64405032f84aaea32957be0e063.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmRh1TjxJU6rh4kkYGterk8avBdEvsxTeWQQx1mR9h5UV7/4f16a64405032f84aaea32957be0e063.jpg)\n\nWhat if I never went down this path?\nWhat if I didn’t spend all that money?\nWhat if I damaged my health permanently?\nWhat if this will never end?\nWhat if I’m fucked for life?\n\nYou can speculate all you want, but you know it holds no value.  It does not serve you, or your sanity.\n\nSomething a little demented in all of us enjoys taking that ride down memory lane, what could of been.  You enjoy wondering about the heights you could have reached, had only you not fucked up so many times.  Had only you not ignored your inner self screaming, against all signs, just begging to take a small step.  Only then things would of shifted the right direction, eventually, and then possibly you would of continued towards recovery.\n\nIt’s not real, none of your speculation or thoughts are real.  Your past decisions have been such hard turns, layered over one another, that the very first is as strong as the very last.  Everything is connected, not to be compartmentalized between who you were, to who you are, to whom you will be.  You are the youth who used for the first time, and in that moment you were on the path to this very day.\n\nWhat is real then?  Your breath is real, your voice, your light.  The acknowledgement that you are still here, still standing, with an opportunity to impact all whom come in contact with you every day.  Do not spend your days on the what if’s based on what you could of done, but rather what you can still do.\n\nWhat if I turn things around?\nWhat if I see someone for help?\nWhat if I finish this book?\nWhat if I can help others?\nWhat if others need my help?",
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      "body": "https://i2.wp.com/c2.staticflickr.com/8/7304/27804020880_abf0f869f0_b.jpg?w=584&ssl=1\n\nWhat a challenge it is to find support from within yourself.  It’s natural and easy to picture support as this external force.  We often think of it as something to “prop” us up until we grow strong enough to stand alone.  Support though can come from many places, and can last as long as you need it to.  Even indefinitely, if that’s what it takes.  The more you view any type of support as this thing that’s connected to your past, you’ll always be looking in the rearview.  This alone will make the process extremely difficult.  Think of it as something you simply need to keep you moving forward, to keep you PROGRESSING.  It’s all positive.  Even the set backs are really just pivots leading you to the next step forward.\n\nThere are hidden gems and clues floating all around you, every second of every day.  It’s just a matter of opening your eyes to let the light reveal them.  Have you ever discovered new music that seems to share a story or emotion supporting exactly what you’re going through at that time?  The truth is it’s always been there, and always will be.  The only difference when you noticed it, is that you were influenced in way that opened your eyes to something greater.\n\nFind your way to positive thinking, even if it’s just for a few moments of the day (maybe it’s coffee, a short walk, any sort of ritual). It’s in this place of positivity that you will create space for supporting thoughts and ideas to come in.\n\nFollow the signs.  They’re already there from your previous actions, and will bring you full circle to the answers you need.",
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      "body": "https://i.pinimg.com/originals/7e/49/d1/7e49d16d0d4929266749ca330f6901af.jpg\nA common question I get from time to time, is whether or not I've begun to master my addiction.\n\nThe truth of it is, no, I will absolutely never be the master of anything and even more so my addictive tendencies.  Sure, I'll admit that the addictive fibers that used to line my body are now smaller, and much less compared to before.  Even now though, I will never picture a point where I'm the master of this opponent or danger in my life.  \n\nThe true master that's waiting outside my door every day, is life itself, and you know what?  Every day I will politely bow down, acknowledging it's power while responding, \"Not today\".  Today you will not break my spirit.  Today you will not rob me of who I've grown to be.  Today, will not be the first day of my fall back to rock bottom.\n\nOften I like to picture my addiction as the most hideous creature my imagination can come up with.  Something so dark and evil, latching on to my spirit, draining my ability to climb out of the darkness.  A 3 foot 5 inch, wretched long-nosed troll, mostly skin and bones, with patches of hair coming out the orifices of it's scaled skin from all my drug use.  It’s body, frail and hunched over, often sits in the corner of my room…growing more hideous with each passing hour of my sobriety.  Over time though, he's faded away into dust and moved on to another source of light.  I'll never doubt it’s ability to manifest again, as it’s power is drawn entirely from the absence of mine.\n\nFor the time being, and mostly always, I think we must consider ourselves to be students in every facet of life.  No matter what the task at hand, or skill level required, there will always be someone out there who's experienced worse than you.  And if they haven't experienced something worse than you, then they've for certain experienced something different or traveled some kind of alternate path.\n\nWhere we begin to become true masters is in our ability to come together, sharing our experiences and power with one another.  I think we've all heard at one time or another the story of someone who couldn't overcome their struggles until they’d become part of something \"bigger than themselves\".  The same concept applies here, as I don't believe any of us individually can take this life-long challenge on.  At some point along the road, we've relied on others for advice, feeding off who they've become as a glimpse of the person we could be.  It's a influential movement that grows with more experience.  The more you give, the more connections you will make, the more strength you will receive in return.",
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      "body": "![935993_608980619148219_148305698_n.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmTEdb8QobG3S2aQBUg5dYQBdCS4b91JA1CYG7ZsGXckB8/935993_608980619148219_148305698_n.jpg)\n\nPain, it's just something no one ever wants to go through.  I can't specifically remember a time during childhood where I felt any overwhelming sense of it, but there was always plenty of anxiety, at which point I was unaware of it’s definition.  I would say the turning point for me was the transition out of childhood, and into a steep climb to the top of “responsibility”.  For others I'm sure the source comes from other places, or perhaps a build up of many experiences.  Nevertheless, we all reached a point a point where an escape from reality was needed.  So when we dove head first into a life of opiate use, it's as though we conditioned ourselves to a world of extremes.  On the upside, we were in our most comfortable and positive state of mind where nothing could harm us.  On the down (extreme downside), we were left in a cold pit where our greatest fears became reality and the climb out was steeper than the last.  \n\nSo imagine this pattern of extreme ups and downs, like a wave length transitioning from high to low, low to high.  Comparable to going in and out of cold weather, your body and mind only know two temperatures.  There is no in between, there is no transition, there is no journey…just change from one end to the other in an instant.\n\nNow, take yourself back to childhood before all this began.  Our mind and bodies were conditioned to a more gradual wavelength, transitioning between positive states at a much healthier pace.  It's this conditioning that is reality, that is life.  A gradual development and formation of our mind body and spirit.  A process which we can't recognize or call out the changes until periods of time have passed.  But the biggest part we can put our faith in, is that good will come from bad. That there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter the challenge.  It would not be possible for pain to exist without moments of beauty and happiness, without the miracles we all see and believe every day.\n\nSomething everyone must realize is that our success heavily relies on our acceptance of where we are in a period of transition.  I imagine it all too often occurs where someone views their current position as final, or a dead end they must start over from.  The key to our transition is to know and believe that we are just that.  A continuous transition, out of and into new patterns of living.  In this state of consciousness, we open our mind to infinite possibilities.  To realize the existence of such possibility, increases the probability of a life with no single solution for change.\n\nTo the Addicts & Family:  Create opportunity for new experiences.  Allow yourself to envision how you or your loved one can grow.  Have faith in the process of being human.",
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