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      "body": "Congratulations @shroomit! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@shroomit/birthday2.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 2 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@shroomit) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=shroomit)_</sub>\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "**Night 1**\n\n\nOn the first night, my first dose was quite uneventful. I was the first up as soon as the “booster” was called. The dose looked tiny compared to the first one I had received earlier. Little did I realise that I was in for a long night. \n\nBefore the session started we were encouraged to meditate on our intentions following the usual pre-Toma rapé. Since my last mushroom session, I had become overly aware of the blockages surrounding my heart chakra, in spite of having cleared some of them during that process. My heart had begun to feel heavy again at times. In my experience, as well as providing cleansing, entheogens very much seem to make the unconscious conscious. So in many respects, in spite of all the cleansing I had achieved, this sometimes made me feel worse. Now I could feel the problem I had always suspected. 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I began to direct my consciousness to all the other hurt I thought must have been trapped inside of me - being bullied in school, 15 years of social anxiety and not feeling that I was good enough, the years of verbal abuse I have had to put up with from my narcissistic brother - on top of the anxiety I was already going through. Out it all came.\n\nAs I finally came out of the toilet, I declared to the room that I required a long enduring hug. All I got was tumbleweed. I went to lay back on my bed where I was not neighboured by any other participants on this occasion. I remember thinking that this was no coincidence. It was a reminder of the loneliness I had felt in life - maybe I just had to know it one more time before I said goodbye and good riddance to it all. This was my hope at least.\n\nThere were several times when I thought it had all ended, and I did manage to get some much needed rest, but then from nowhere there would be a little more phlegm, a little more diarrhea.\n\nOn another trip to the toilet I remember thinking about the bufo I was to consume the following day. I remembered how I used the ayahuasca experience prior to my last bufo to clear anything out to make my bufo the next day go more smoothly. As I focused on this, more purging followed. There was also a fear. I decided at one point I was not going to do it, but deep down I realised that I knew I had to.\n\n**Bufo #3**\n\nUnlike my previous bufo experience where I had been the only one brave enough to do it, there were about 12 takers at this retreat on this day. The bufo takers occupied 4 beds in the facilitation room and were dosed accordingly, sequentially around the room. As soon as the 4th person had taken theirs, the 1st person was ready to move from the bed and allow the next person in. I remember being in the 2nd group of 4 - I think I was 6th.\n\nIt was fortunate that I had the time to prepare for this experience. For many of the weeks leading up to this time, I had been fearful of my next break-through experience - I had been experimenting with smaller doses at home, but this seemed like nothing compared to the complete ego-loss a breakthrough dose facilitates.\n\nThanks to the non-bufo bufo experience several weeks before, I had been given a kind of vision as to how this could be if I could manage it without fear. I meditated for 10 minutes while the attention of the rest of the group was on the previous bufo taker. I focused my attention on how the 5-MeO-DMT experience was simply pure divine love. That no fear was necessary.\n\nMy previous two bufo experiences had a similar theme. They both began like a shaky rocket taking off and travelling faster and faster towards hyperspace. The instability became more and more rapid until everything exploded at the level of “God”, for want of better terminology.\n\nThis time was completely different. I can safely say that it was one of the most (if not **the** most) profound experience of my life.\n\nI continued the mantra within my internal monologue that I had begun within the meditation, as I held the smoke in my lungs. This time there was no rocket ship. No shaking. Not even an explosion at the end. I had taken a quantum leap to “God”. I was unity consciousness, represented by a still yet vibrant blue circle. Every moment of it was blissful and beautiful.\n\nUnlike the previous bufo experiences, I had spent some of the time on this one with some awareness of physical reality. I was told afterwards that I had had my head lifted by the facilitator to vomit into a bucket. I remembered none of this. I did however remember writhing around on the bed with saliva spewing from my mouth. It was almost like a dream outside of my blissful experience.\n\nAs I came round I realised I had never experienced such profound bliss. My heart felt pure. In fact, my whole body felt pure. I remember thinking in that moment that my lifelong affliction was healed. I took pride in myself for letting go of fear - it is what I had intended, and what I had achieved.\n\nFor the following 30 minutes or so, I found my being in a state of complete surrender. I had no resistance to a single thing. I had been cleansed and there was no reason to fight anything, however small. It felt amazing.\n\nIn a way this part of the experience was similar to my last bufo, in that I felt so much purity and clarity that no more cleansing was even required. No more ayahuasca, no more psychedelics. I had everything I needed right here, right now. Of course, as the bliss wore off and I came back into physical reality, my rose-tinted view of the world around me also began to wither away. There were still issues, but fortunately another 3 nights of ayahuasca remaining. This was of course just another glimpse of enlightenment, not enlightenment itself.\n\n**Night 2**\n\nThe previous night had exhausted me, and I had slept little. I had, however, felt cleansed by the bufo earlier in the day. I almost begged ayahuasca for a quiet night, and that was exactly what she gave me. \n\nIt was uneventful relative the previous nights constant purging. I spent the night thinking about nice things, expressing gratitude for what I already had, and thinking positively about my future. It was comforting and exactly what I needed.\n\nIf I’m being honest, I was a little too scared to get too deeply involved with anything at this point. I refused a booster dose. I was contented with exactly where I was. \n\n**Night 3**\n\nI had been thinking for some time before about what I wanted to achieve tonight. After so much purging on the first night, and a rest on the following night. I almost felt like I was ready to go in deep again, and yet at the same time I had some residual fears.\n\nI decided I wanted to find out the source of the tension in my back. I had tried to allow ayahuasca to heal the physical side of this before, and it helped considerably, but the tension always came back. It always returned to level it was at before.\n\nI laid resting for almost 2 hours face down on my bed in a comfortable position close to the open fire. I thought that nothing was likely to happen now, but I was OK with that. Whatever, I thought. What will be, will be.\n\nThen I suddenly felt something changing in my head. Something was starting. I turned myself around and lay flat on my back, awaiting what was to come. \n\nA vision began, and then escalated. My focus was taken toward my Solar Plexus chakra. This was apparently from where the issue emanated. I had my answer. \n\nBut then mother aya took me into a physical healing process, similar to one I had experienced on previous retreats, but somehow slightly more advanced. I did wonder whether it was worth the effort, if things would just return back to how they were without dealing with the source of the issue, but I just let go and let spirit take me. I allowed the spirit of the vine to take control of my body, as I moved around into a plethora of different bodily positions which appeared to be aimed at stretching certain muscles, and untangling the knots contained within them. It was a cosmic yoga of sorts.\n\nThis went on for at least another 6 hours or so. It felt good to have so many releases so I didn’t mind. But then it carried on after the session had finished. Everyone else was out of process, with many falling asleep in the room. I was still going for at least an hour and a half before I felt too tired to continue. Enough was enough. I went to bed.\n\n**Night 4**\n\nIt was the final night, and I was torn on where I should place my intentions. The previous night’s vision had led me to the source of my tension, the solar plexus. However, a common theme that yet again presented itself to me was the need for control - the mind’s overwhelming influence over my consciousness. It has ameliorated over the last year or so, but there are still automated programs based on my past experience that operate, and I need to work on changing them.\n\nNothing seemed to happen for an hour or two, other than a large amount of intestinal discomfort - a blockage. I was wondering whether anything would happen at all - maybe my ambiguous intentions and lack of specificity would not lead anywhere.\n\nBut then, I just found myself relaxing into the situation and I felt my head buzzing, as my neurons became illuminated by the DMT. Spirit was within me once more. I intuitively placed my hands upon my solar plexus and felt an enormous amount of energy pass through my hands and into my body. The blockage cleared almost immediately. I slowly moved my hands to other chakra locations without even thinking about it. Down to my navel chakra, and up to my throat. Again, feeling large amounts of energy corse into me. I then relaxed, and felt the urge to release that original blockage. I no longer felt uncomfortable.\n\nOver the next several hours, I went through what I can only refer to (relative to the first night) as a happy purge. I gradually felt energies release from me. I would be lying down, only for my mouth to open wide, and energy to pass out of it, from deep within my being. There was more phlegm, and even vomit.\n\nThis vomit was curious. I had felt it brewing for a long time - I had been on all fours, circling around the bucket for a while, like a caged beast awaiting its expected emancipation. But there were only minor purges in the form of breath. I had to lay back down on my front again to let go of the built-up anticipation. Eventually it came, and I duly allowed it to escape. It was a reddish colour, and carried with it a sticky, gritty substance. I felt it in my teeth and on my tonsils. Lodged within my throat. I had to wash out my mouth and gargle with water in order to completely remove it. It grossed me out a bit. The next time I went to the toilet, I tipped the content of my bucket into the bowl and saw a kind of black tarry substance within it. “Fucking hell”, I exclaimed to myself in astonishment, glad that this putrid substance had been released from my physicality.\n\nBy this stage, most of the rest of the group were in a happy mood, singing along to the joyous songs in utter merriment. I dipped in and out of this in stages throughout my purges.\n\nThen something rather amusing happened. As I let go of myself to allow the next purge out, I positioned myself accordingly over the bucket. To my surprise, however, there was no vomit, but a kind of high-pitched hum - not one of the primordial sounds I had emanated on previous purges, but more like a song - a Laaa of sorts. It was perfectly pitched which almost surprised me, since I am a terrible singer. But then again, I guess it did not come from the “I” that “I” call “I”. As it came out, I could feel elements of sludge clearing from my throat. Most of the group erupted in joyous laughter and cheering. So did I. This must have repeated at least 10 times.\n\nThe interesting thing about the night was that I had also achieved a little more freedom from my mind at the same time. I remembered from my first night of ayahuasca on the first retreat, how I very much still had a feeling of worrying about what people thought of me, and how this had prevented me from allowing some of my unwanted energies from escaping me. I had realised then, how far away I was from that time. I was quite happy to let go and allow the purging to present itself in whatever manner it would like, with no fear of shame.\n\n**Reflections**\n\nSince the retreat ended a week ago at the time of writing, I have noticed something within myself. There is this subtle holding-on of sorts - an inability to relax completely. Even though I felt I was relaxed before, the unconscious has been brought into the light of conscious awareness, and I have realised how I am not completely letting go. This has been a common theme throughout entheogenic healing episodes of my recent past. I have noticed a very subtle emotional tension, which is forming the physical tension in my back and shoulders. I have also been sensing that this has slowly been allowing my heart centre to clog up again. I have thus far managed to prevent this from returning permanently through meditative and yogic practices. I intend to focus on this issue more deeply through my meditation practice - to shine the light awareness on it, even more sharply - in order that I may dissolve it completely.",
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      "body": "A couple of weeks ago I had an ear infection which was painful and so I couldn’t get to sleep. I tried a few things to get rid of the pain but nothing was working. Eventually I decided to vaporise some weed to see if that would help. I’ve been trying to avoid it generally because I used to do it every day.\n\nAfter I had consumed a whole bag of vape from a fairly large bowl, i went back to bed and started to remember what happened during my last breakthrough bufo dose, then part of me began to feel afraid of doing the bufo again - I am planning to do it at the next ayahuasca retreat - The weed allowed paranoia to creep in. I then had a sweeping realisation that the only reason i was becoming afraid was because I was misunderstanding what the intense energy was that i had been feeling on my previous 2 bufo experiences. I then had a sense of knowing that this energy was actually pure divine love - as I focused on that without allowing any fear in, my body began to fill up with light/chi/prana so intensely and so fast, that this energy seemed to clear all of the blockages within me. I had become self-aware of my own divinity.\n\nI then began to feel asleep, but every time I went into a hypnagogic state (between wakefulness and sleep) I started to go into a bufo-type process again! Eventually i got to sleep and woke up with no pain in my ear whatsoever!",
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      "body": "@@ -288,17 +288,17 @@\n into an \n-A\n+a\n yahuasca\n@@ -504,17 +504,17 @@\n es (all \n-A\n+a\n yahuasca\n@@ -594,22 +594,26 @@\n sliking \n+**\n myself\n+**\n . There \n",
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      "body": "About a month ago I had met up with a friend I made at the Swiss ayahuasca retreat in Geneva. We went camping in a field on the side of Mont Salève with some of her friends and had a 1g dose of mushrooms. The mushrooms felt quite strong for such a low dose, but I fortunately did not go into an Ayahuasca process like before. \n\nI had a meaningful experience in that I found myself worrying about what the people I hadn’t previously met before thought about me, in spite of their obviously friendly natures (all Ayahuasca disciples!). I then had the realisation that this was a projection of disliking myself. There it was again. I have had so much cleansing and yet I wonder how much deeper I have to go.\n\nFor a while I have had a heavy heart. My heart centre just feels blocked again in spite of the healing at the Ayahuasca retreats. I have felt this open up a little at times, through meditation or particular yogic exercises, but I know that there is still a problem. Maybe it is a problem that has always been there which I have now managed to bring into conscious awareness. Maybe the feelings of a heavy heart were unconscious and all the spiritual healing has brought my situation forth into the light. From the covert to the overt. From the obscure into the transparent.\n\nLast night I took a 4g dose at home again, and going against the vow I made at the end of my last blog, I ended up going into a full Ayahuasca-like healing process. This time, however, I was not alone, and had a friend on the same dose. I began to get loud as I purged myself of some very dark energies around my heart centre. Throughout the entire process I was making animal-like shrieking noises again, but this time it was slightly different and was a sound that came almost from the roof of my mouth. Indeed, a short while into the peaking zone, I could taste blood in my mouth such was the ferocity of the force in which the energies released from me. Heaven only knows what the neighbours must have thought! Mushrooms are completely different since Ayahuasca. My friend had more of the kind of experience I would have felt several years ago - trippy visuals, closed-eye fractals and sweeping feelings of beauty and euphoria. Perhaps as new neural pathways develop with continued use, an evolution of sorts takes place.\n\nAt the beginning I felt a little out of control, and was beginning to regret that I was almost in a similar state to the 8g journey again. I had feelings of uncertainty, and kept finding myself wanting to escape, not to indulge the healing. In a sense, it was almost like there was a subconscious fear of what the healing was going to achieve for me, in spite of it being what I actually wanted. I kept telling myself, maybe I should go upstairs and have a lie down, or maybe this is too much and I should attempt to bring myself down from the trip like I did the last time I had a large dose. I wonder now whether this is due to some distant memory from another lifetime -  a fear of experiencing the intense love that ended up hurting me so badly then.\n\nI found myself fighting the healing. Of tensing up, and not letting go. I remember realising this and telling myself to let go and accept whatever I needed to, so I did. As that happened, everything immediately became peaceful once more. I was still going through purges, but everything started to get a little easier.\n\nAs the peaking zone began to wither away, I found myself in a lot more control and felt a lot more comfortable. But the purging was constant, and exhausting. I had a few short rests where I would lie down for a much needed break, but it was not long before I was walking around the room and allowing my body to purge again. I would focus on physical locations on my body such as the heart centre, sensing where the blockage was, and the energy would mobilise itself and leave me via a shrieking exhale.\n\nLater on I had some interesting experiences looking into a mirror. Ordinarily I needlessly judge myself when I look in the mirror - I have a spot, or my face isn’t symmetrical when I smile. Things that are hardly noticeable anyway, but in spite of their relative insignificance, they cause a sense of self loathing in me - I am never good enough for myself. I was doing the same thing in the mirror last night, and right when those thoughts began to surface I felt the negative energies mobilise and exit me in the usual manner.\n\nInterestingly, as the purging finally began to subside towards the end of the trip, my heart centre still felt blocked, in spite of all that cleansing. \n\nWhen I woke up the next day, my heart centre felt much clearer. I had a magnesium salt bath to comfort myself, as well as my aching muscles. My neurotransmitter production facilities also found the relief for which they had been yearning. I listened to some gentle music and decided to do some more Spanish lessons with the app on my phone I have been using for a few months. Every week I score more points than the other members of my group, and understand the concepts very well - I usually get most of the answers right. However, as I got the odd translation wrong, I found those feelings of not being good enough creeping to the surface again. As this happened, I felt my heart begin to close once more! It is clear this is the area I will need to focus more on when I go to another Ayahuasca retreat in Spain next month.  Hopefully 4 nights of an environment in which I can make all the extraterrestrial noises I need to will take me a step closer to resolving my issues. One can only hope.",
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      "body": "I feel the need to preface this journal with a kind of “**Don’t try this at home!**” (especially on your own) statement. This was a deep spiritual experience, and fortunately I do have some knowledge about creating sacred spaces and eliminating the bad energies which I purged. Doses as high as this should be conducted with an experienced shaman or facilitator, or at the very least a trip sitter - someone sober to make sure you do not cause yourself any physical damage - Luckily I only came out of this with a few bruises! With that out of the way, here is my account of what happened.\n\nThe weekend following the Munich Ayahuasca retreat I had a fresh batch of mushrooms. I was excited to try them out, but the last couple of times I had taken 5g or so, hardly anything had happened. They were from an older batch but I had taken some with a friend who had a great time on them, so I was quite certain they hadn’t lost psilocybin, and therefore convinced I had become tolerant to them. I used a dowsing pendulum to ask what my ideal dose was for what I had wanted to achieve. It came back with 8g. I interpreted this as essentially 3g, since the 5g hadn’t done very much. It turned out I had misinterpreted this completely! :D\n\nI ground the mushrooms down and poured some apple cider vinegar over the mix and left them for about 45 minutes. This method is known as lemon-tekking. Adding lemon juice or another acidic substance to the mix converts psilocybin to psilocin (4-HO-DMT) the active psychedelic ingredient within the body. This conversion usually takes place more slowly with stomach acid, but this process essentially makes you peak earlier and higher with a slightly lesser total duration of the trip.\n\nFortunately I had learned a method for opening and closing a sacred space for entering such unearthly realms. I tidied my space, sage-smoked the entire house and had my oil diffuser on with Frankincense, Myrrh and Jasmine. I set my music up as a playlist on Spotify. It began with an album I had recently discovered called *2018 The Most Mindful Music* by *Meditative Mind*. It was a great intro album. This was of course followed by *Sphongle*’s *Nothing lasts but nothing is lost*, and then a compilation album called *Psymeditation 2* by *Perpetual Loop*.\n\nWithin 15 minutes of drinking the acidicly induced brew mixed with water, I began to feel something. By 40 minutes I was beginning to get some interesting visuals, and it felt better to lay down than to stay sat up. I went for a tactical toilet break and then came back downstairs to relax. For a short while, I had again thought that not much was going to happen, but I noticed how much I had been enjoying the Mindfulness music. Then it came out of nowhere, fast and strong.\n\nI had been lying on a flat futon in my lounge by a window, and as the magic medicine began to course through my synapses I felt the urge to move around a little. First from my back onto my front. I then remember writhing off of the futon and on to a rug on the floor adjacent to it. \n\nMy memory from this point for the next hour or two is rather hazy, so I will attempt to summarise some of the things that occurred.\n\n\nThroughout this time my spirit had taken over my body again. Whenever I let go my body was moving itself in ways it needed to, in order to release unwanted energies. I felt intense energies moving through me and building up into a peak like a massive release was about to occur. I was making some crazily loud primordial style noises, and stupidly worried if anybody could hear me from outside or through the walls and what they would think. It was a hot summer’s day, and I had the back door and all of the windows open. I knew this was part of the lesson I needed to take heed of, and I embraced it a little bit but could not fully let go. The energy would build up in perfect synchronicity with the  music at times as the music itself peaked. But then, although I felt some energy escape from my mouth, the massive purge of vomit I had expected to come out never did. \n\nI had sensibly dragged a bucket out from the cupboard under my kitchen sink to collect any purges. It was full of cobwebs and dirt, however. \n\nI was writhing around on the floor for a long time. There were many spiritual lessons I was being taught. Situations where my mind would normally interrupt and carry out a pre-programmed behaviour, I was instead letting go of. There was a generic lesson of surrender throughout the whole trip. At one point I knocked a glass of water over the laminate flooring in my lounge and my first instinct was that I needed to clear up the mess, but instead I embraced it. I crawled over to it and layed down in the puddle face-first. It actually felt quite good.\n\nI also had my hand in the filthy bucket at one point. I had this feeling within myself that none of it was actually real, so none of it really mattered - I was just spirit having a physical experience.\n\nThe spirit within me caused me to groan and make some weird and wonderful noises. The rodent style shrieking exhibited from my mouth in earlier Ayahuasca experiences was back again as I released negative energies. I also made noises that sounded like laughing but were not. I sensed some relief as the Mindfulness music ended and Sphongle came on. I knew the music would be a little louder and may disguise my noises to local eavesdroppers. I was building up to something massive - the kind of energy I had experienced on my last Bufo trip but within at least a semi-conscious state of awareness. There was going to be an explosion of energy emitting out of me. Part of me wanted it to happen. That part of me knew it would have resolved some of my innermost problems. But I knew it would be loud, and I was worried about somebody local knocking on my door having heard it to check on me, - there is no way I could have faced anybody in this state. What if someone called the police to report a disturbance? So I think part of me therefore resisted it and it never actually happened. I do think I had made at least some progress with it though.\n\nThis and similar things must have been happening for 1.5 to 2 hours. For the last half an hour or so, I had been contemplating getting myself out of the situation. It was a difficult decision to make. I felt like I was running away in a sense. I wasn’t scared that much. I didn’t panic as many would in this situation - I knew that would have made things infinitely worse. But I just had this feeling that it would be sensible to ground myself - after all I hadn’t bargained for such a deep spiritual process when I initially consumed the shrooms.\n\nI remembered being sat on the toilet when I finally decided to get myself out of the situation. I was thinking about all the things I could do, and then I began to implement them. \n\nI made some instant coffee, even though I hate coffee. I had some 10mg CBD lozenges in my cupboard. I took at least 3 of them sublingually. I even took a half dose of MDMA as I knew that it would compete with the psilocyn for access to my serotonin receptors. I knew smoking something would also probably help - for goodness’ sake not weed though! :D I had a herb somewhere known as Wild Dagga I had bought as a mild destressor since I quit cannabis, but I could not find it anywhere - I was not in the best state to find anything. In the end I smoked some raspberry leaf. It was actually a raspberry leaf “tea” but I used to use it as a mixer with cannabis to help the joint smoke better. I loaded my pipe with it and chonged away - it really helped! I was coming down slowly but not enough - I was still very much in process. The next time I was upstairs in the bathroom, I suddenly realised a shower would be a good idea. It helped to ground me more than you could possibly imagine.\n\nI continued with everything possible I could think of to ground myself, I sage-smoked the entire house again, and shook my rattle too, to break up of the energies I had released.\n\nSlowly but surely I was in a position where I could think a little clearer and the haze had shifted. I still had pupils the size of dinner plates but at least I was in a position to maneuver myself back into physical reality.\n\nAs my thinking became clearer I couldn’t help but giggle at what I had just put myself through. I never expected that from mushrooms. I had had one or two slightly spiritual experiences and had even purged on mushrooms before, but this was something else. It was like my most intense Ayahuasca experience multiplied by 10. I wondered whether the fact I had only consumed Ayahuasca the previous weekend played into this or not.\n\nI was still pretty wired until about 1am. I slept for about 6 hours and the following day I was exhausted. I then noticed I had bruises over my face, on my chin and on my back and my ribs. I wasn’t sure how this had happened. It must have been when I conceded control of my body to my spirit downstairs on the laminate flooring.\n\nFor the last few nights or so since this epic ordeal I have woken up in the night and had mini healing processes - a residue from the experience if you will. This has happened to me before following Ayahuasca and Bufo experiences. I quite enjoy them as I know I am making progress with my healing. One such example I can provide is this: One morning recently, I woke up an hour earlier than I needed to to get ready for work and decided to meditate. Following the meditation I laid back down again with one hand on my heart and one on my abdomen and focused my intentions positively. Completely randomly, the hand on my heart fluttered all by itself. I then took a sharp breath in and purged some energy out via my breath!\n\nIt will probably be a couple of months before I delve into mushrooms again. I’m not afraid to high dose again, but I will require a much safer environment, away from the prying ears of the general public!",
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      "body": "I feel the need to preface this journal with a kind of “**Don’t try this at home!**” (especially on your own) statement. This was a deep spiritual experience, and fortunately I do have some knowledge about creating sacred spaces and eliminating the bad energies which I purged. Doses as high as this should be conducted with an experienced shaman or facilitator, or at the very least a trip sitter - someone sober to make sure you do not cause yourself any physical damage - Luckily I only came out of this with a few bruises! With that out of the way, here is my account of what happened.\n\nThe weekend following the Munich Ayahuasca retreat I had a fresh batch of mushrooms. I was excited to try them out, but the last couple of times I had taken 5g or so, hardly anything had happened. They were from an older batch but I had taken some with a friend who had a great time on them, so I was quite certain they hadn’t lost psilocybin, and therefore convinced I had become tolerant to them. I used a dowsing pendulum to ask what my ideal dose was for what I had wanted to achieve. It came back with 8g. I interpreted this as essentially 3g, since the 5g hadn’t done very much. It turned out I had misinterpreted this completely! :D\n\nI ground the mushrooms down and poured some apple cider vinegar over the mix and left them for about 45 minutes. This method is known as lemon-tekking. Adding lemon juice or another acidic substance to the mix converts psilocybin to psilocin (4-HO-DMT) the active psychedelic ingredient within the body. This conversion usually takes place more slowly with stomach acid, but this process essentially makes you peak earlier and higher with a slightly lesser total duration of the trip.\n\nFortunately I had learned a method for opening and closing a sacred space for entering such unearthly realms. I tidied my space, sage-smoked the entire house and had my oil diffuser on with Frankincense, Myrrh and Jasmine. I set my music up as a playlist on Spotify. It began with an album I had recently discovered called *2018 The Most Mindful Music* by *Meditative Mind*. It was a great intro album. This was of course followed by *Sphongle*’s *Nothing lasts but nothing is lost*, and then a compilation album called *Psymeditation 2* by *Perpetual Loop*.\n\nWithin 15 minutes of drinking the acidicly induced brew mixed with water, I began to feel something. By 40 minutes I was beginning to get some interesting visuals, and it felt better to lay down than to stay sat up. I went for a tactical toilet break and then came back downstairs to relax. For a short while, I had again thought that not much was going to happen, but I noticed how much I had been enjoying the Mindfulness music. Then it came out of nowhere, fast and strong.\n\nI had been lying on a flat futon in my lounge by a window, and as the magic medicine began to course through my synapses I felt the urge to move around a little. First from my back onto my front. I then remember writhing off of the futon and on to a rug on the floor adjacent to it. \n\nMy memory from this point for the next hour or two is rather hazy, so I will attempt to summarise some of the things that occurred.\n\n\nThroughout this time my spirit had taken over my body again. Whenever I let go my body was moving itself in ways it needed to, in order to release unwanted energies. I felt intense energies moving through me and building up into a peak like a massive release was about to occur. I was making some crazily loud primordial style noises, and stupidly worried if anybody could hear me from outside or through the walls and what they would think. It was a hot summer’s day, and I had the back door and all of the windows open. I knew this was part of the lesson I needed to take heed of, and I embraced it a little bit but could not fully let go. The energy would build up in perfect synchronicity with the  music at times as the music itself peaked. But then, although I felt some energy escape from my mouth, the massive purge of vomit I had expected to come out never did. \n\nI had sensibly dragged a bucket out from the cupboard under my kitchen sink to collect any purges. It was full of cobwebs and dirt, however. \n\nI was writhing around on the floor for a long time. There were many spiritual lessons I was being taught. Situations where my mind would normally interrupt and carry out a pre-programmed behaviour, I was instead letting go of. There was a generic lesson of surrender throughout the whole trip. At one point I knocked a glass of water over the laminate flooring in my lounge and my first instinct was that I needed to clear up the mess, but instead I embraced it. I crawled over to it and layed down in the puddle face-first. It actually felt quite good.\n\nI also had my hand in the filthy bucket at one point. I had this feeling within myself that none of it was actually real, so none of it really mattered - I was just spirit having a physical experience.\n\nThe spirit within me caused me to groan and make some weird and wonderful noises. The rodent style shrieking exhibited from my mouth in earlier Ayahuasca experiences was back again as I released negative energies. I also made noises that sounded like laughing but were not. I sensed some relief as the Mindfulness music ended and Sphongle came on. I knew the music would be a little louder and may disguise my noises to local eavesdroppers. I was building up to something massive - the kind of energy I had experienced on my last Bufo trip but within at least a semi-conscious state of awareness. There was going to be an explosion of energy emitting out of me. Part of me wanted it to happen. That part of me knew it would have resolved some of my innermost problems. But I knew it would be loud, and I was worried about somebody local knocking on my door having heard it to check on me, - there is no way I could have faced anybody in this state. What if someone called the police to report a disturbance? So I think part of me therefore resisted it and it never actually happened. I do think I had made at least some progress with it though.\n\nThis and similar things must have been happening for 1.5 to 2 hours. For the last half an hour or so, I had been contemplating getting myself out of the situation. It was a difficult decision to make. I felt like I was running away in a sense. I wasn’t scared that much. I didn’t panic as many would in this situation - I knew that would have made things infinitely worse. But I just had this feeling that it would be sensible to ground myself - after all I hadn’t bargained for such a deep spiritual process when I initially consumed the shrooms.\n\nI remembered being sat on the toilet when I finally decided to get myself out of the situation. I was thinking about all the things I could do, and then I began to implement them. \n\nI made some instant coffee, even though I hate coffee. I had some 10mg CBD lozenges in my cupboard. I took at least 3 of them sublingually. I even took a half dose of MDMA as I knew that it would compete with the psilocyn for access to my serotonin receptors. I knew smoking something would also probably help - for goodness’ sake not weed though! :D I had a herb somewhere known as Wild Dagga I had bought as a mild destressor since I quit cannabis, but I could not find it anywhere - I was not in the best state to find anything. In the end I smoked some raspberry leaf. It was actually a raspberry leaf “tea” but I used to use it as a mixer with cannabis to help the joint smoke better. I loaded my pipe with it and chonged away - it really helped! I was coming down slowly but not enough - I was still very much in process. The next time I was upstairs in the bathroom, I suddenly realised a shower would be a good idea. It helped to ground me more than you could possibly imagine.\n\nI continued with everything possible I could think of to ground myself, I sage-smoked the entire house again, and shook my rattle too, to break up of the energies I had released.\n\nSlowly but surely I was in a position where I could think a little clearer and the haze had shifted. I still had pupils the size of dinner plates but at least I was in a position to maneuver myself back into physical reality.\n\nAs my thinking became clearer I couldn’t help but giggle at what I had just put myself through. I never expected that from mushrooms. I had had one or two slightly spiritual experiences and had even purged on mushrooms before, but this was something else. It was like my most intense Ayahuasca experience multiplied by 10. I wondered whether the fact I had only consumed Ayahuasca the previous weekend played into this or not.\n\nI was still pretty wired until about 1am. I slept for about 6 hours and the following day I was exhausted. I then noticed I had bruises over my face, on my chin and on my back and my ribs. I wasn’t sure how this had happened. It must have been when I conceded control of my body to my spirit downstairs on the laminate flooring.\n\nFor the last few nights or so since this epic ordeal I have woken up in the night and had mini healing processes - a residue from the experience if you will. This has happened to me before following Ayahuasca and Bufo experiences. I quite enjoy them as I know I am making progress with my healing. One such example I can provide is this: One morning recently, I woke up an hour earlier than I needed to to get ready for work and decided to meditate. Following the meditation I laid back down again with one hand on my heart and one on my abdomen and focused my intentions positively. Completely randomly, the hand on my heart fluttered all by itself. I then took a sharp breath in and purged some energy out via my breath!\n\nIt will probably be a couple of months before I delve into mushrooms again. I’m not afraid to high dose again, but I will require a much safer environment, away from the prying ears of the general public!",
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      "title": "Heroic 8g mushroom megadose",
      "body": "I feel the need to preface this journal with a kind of “**Don’t try this at home!**” (especially on your own) statement. This was a deep spiritual experience, and fortunately I do have some knowledge about creating sacred spaces and eliminating the bad energies which I purged. Doses as high as this should be conducted with an experienced shaman or facilitator, or at the very least a trip sitter - someone sober to make sure you do not cause yourself any physical damage - Luckily I only came out of this with a few bruises! With that out of the way, here is my account of what happened.\n\nThe weekend following the Munich Ayahuasca retreat I had a fresh batch of mushrooms. I was excited to try them out, but the last couple of times I had taken 5g or so, hardly anything had happened. They were from an older batch but I had taken some with a friend who had a great time on them, so I was quite certain they hadn’t lost psilocybin, and therefore convinced I had become tolerant to them. I used a dowsing pendulum to ask what my ideal dose was for what I had wanted to achieve. It came back with 8g. I interpreted this as essentially 3g, since the 5g hadn’t done very much. It turned out I had misinterpreted this completely! :D\n\nI ground the mushrooms down and poured some apple cider vinegar over the mix and left them for about 45 minutes. This method is known as lemon-tekking. Adding lemon juice or another acidic substance to the mix converts psilocybin to psilocin (4-HO-DMT) the active psychedelic ingredient within the body. This conversion usually takes place more slowly with stomach acid, but this process essentially makes you peak earlier and higher with a slightly lesser total duration of the trip.\n\nFortunately I had learned a method for opening and closing a sacred space for entering such unearthly realms. I tidied my space, sage-smoked the entire house and had my oil diffuser on with Frankincense, Myrrh and Jasmine. I set my music up as a playlist on Spotify. It began with an album I had recently discovered called *2018 The Most Mindful Music* by *Meditative Mind*. It was a great intro album. This was of course followed by *Sphongle*’s *Nothing lasts but nothing is lost*, and then a compilation album called *Psymeditation 2* by *Perpetual Loop*.\n\nWithin 15 minutes of drinking the acidicly induced brew mixed with water, I began to feel something. By 40 minutes I was beginning to get some interesting visuals, and it felt better to lay down than to stay sat up. I went for a tactical toilet break and then came back downstairs to relax. For a short while, I had again thought that not much was going to happen, but I noticed how much I had been enjoying the Mindfulness music. Then it came out of nowhere, fast and strong.\n\nI had been lying on a flat futon in my lounge by a window, and as the magic medicine began to course through my synapses I felt the urge to move around a little. First from my back onto my front. I then remember writhing off of the futon and on to a rug on the floor adjacent to it. \n\nMy memory from this point for the next hour or two is rather hazy, so I will attempt to summarise some of the things that occurred.\n\n\nThroughout this time my spirit had taken over my body again. Whenever I let go my body was moving itself in ways it needed to, in order to release unwanted energies. I felt intense energies moving through me and building up into a peak like a massive release was about to occur. I was making some crazily loud primordial style noises, and stupidly worried if anybody could hear me from outside or through the walls and what they would think. It was a hot summer’s day, and I had the back door and all of the windows open. I knew this was part of the lesson I needed to take heed of, and I embraced it a little bit but could not fully let go. The energy would build up in perfect synchronicity with the  music at times as the music itself peaked. But then, although I felt some energy escape from my mouth, the massive purge of vomit I had expected to come out never did. \n\nI had sensibly dragged a bucket out from the cupboard under my kitchen sink to collect any purges. It was full of cobwebs and dirt, however. \n\nI was writhing around on the floor for a long time. There were many spiritual lessons I was being taught. Situations where my mind would normally interrupt and carry out a pre-programmed behaviour, I was instead letting go of. There was a generic lesson of surrender throughout the whole trip. At one point I knocked a glass of water over the laminate flooring in my lounge and my first instinct was that I needed to clear up the mess, but instead I embraced it. I crawled over to it and layed down in the puddle face-first. It actually felt quite good.\n\nI also had my hand in the filthy bucket at one point. I had this feeling within myself that none of it was actually real, so none of it really mattered - I was just spirit having a physical experience.\n\nThe spirit within me caused me to groan and make some weird and wonderful noises. The rodent style shrieking exhibited from my mouth in earlier Ayahuasca experiences was back again as I released negative energies. I also made noises that sounded like laughing but were not. I sensed some relief as the Mindfulness music ended and Sphongle came on. I knew the music would be a little louder and may disguise my noises to local eavesdroppers. I was building up to something massive - the kind of energy I had experienced on my last Bufo trip but within at least a semi-conscious state of awareness. There was going to be an explosion of energy emitting out of me. Part of me wanted it to happen. That part of me knew it would have resolved some of my innermost problems. But I knew it would be loud, and I was worried about somebody local knocking on my door having heard it to check on me, - there is no way I could have faced anybody in this state. What if someone called the police to report a disturbance? So I think part of me therefore resisted it and it never actually happened. I do think I had made at least some progress with it though.\n\nThis and similar things must have been happening for 1.5 to 2 hours. For the last half an hour or so, I had been contemplating getting myself out of the situation. It was a difficult decision to make. I felt like I was running away in a sense. I wasn’t scared that much. I didn’t panic as many would in this situation - I knew that would have made things infinitely worse. But I just had this feeling that it would be sensible to ground myself - after all I hadn’t bargained for such a deep spiritual process when I initially consumed the shrooms.\n\nI remembered being sat on the toilet when I finally decided to get myself out of the situation. I was thinking about all the things I could do, and then I began to implement them. \n\nI made some instant coffee, even though I hate coffee. I had some 10mg CBD lozenges in my cupboard. I took at least 3 of them sublingually. I even took a half dose of MDMA as I knew that it would compete with the psilocyn for access to my serotonin receptors. I knew smoking something would also probably help - for goodness’ sake not weed though! :D I had a herb somewhere known as Wild Dagga I had bought as a mild destressor since I quit cannabis, but I could not find it anywhere - I was not in the best state to find anything. In the end I smoked some raspberry leaf. It was actually a raspberry leaf “tea” but I used to use it as a mixer with cannabis to help the joint smoke better. I loaded my pipe with it and chonged away - it really helped! I was coming down slowly but not enough - I was still very much in process. The next time I was upstairs in the bathroom, I suddenly realised a shower would be a good idea. It helped to ground me more than you could possibly imagine.\n\nI continued with everything possible I could think of to ground myself, I sage-smoked the entire house again, and shook my rattle too, to break up of the energies I had released.\n\nSlowly but surely I was in a position where I could think a little clearer and the haze had shifted. I still had pupils the size of dinner plates but at least I was in a position to maneuver myself back into physical reality.\n\nAs my thinking became clearer I couldn’t help but giggle at what I had just put myself through. I never expected that from mushrooms. I had had one or two slightly spiritual experiences and had even purged on mushrooms before, but this was something else. It was like my most intense Ayahuasca experience multiplied by 10. I wondered whether the fact I had only consumed Ayahuasca the previous weekend played into this or not.\n\nI was still pretty wired until about 1am. I slept for about 6 hours and the following day I was exhausted. I then noticed I had bruises over my face, on my chin and on my back and my ribs. I wasn’t sure how this had happened. It must have been when I conceded control of my body to my spirit downstairs on the laminate flooring.\n\nFor the last few nights or so since this epic ordeal I have woken up in the night and had mini healing processes - a residue from the experience if you will. This has happened to me before following Ayahuasca and Bufo experiences. I quite enjoy them as I know I am making progress with my healing. One such example I can provide is this: One morning recently, I woke up an hour earlier than I needed to to get ready for work and decided to meditate. Following the meditation I laid back down again with one hand on my heart and one on my abdomen and focused my intentions positively. Completely randomly, the hand on my heart fluttered all by itself. I then took a sharp breath in and purged some energy out via my breath!\n\nIt will probably be a couple of months before I delve into mushrooms again. I’m not afraid to high dose again, but I will require a much safer environment, away from the prying ears of the general public!",
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      "title": "My Third Ayahuasca Retreat",
      "body": "**Day 1**\n\nThis retreat was about 30km outside of Munich. As usual is was out of the way enough so that the unearthly wails of the participants could not be heard by the normies, going about their days. It was a small house relative to the other retreats I have attended. There were only 6 participants to begin with. A few people left and joined throughout the weekend as is customary at such events. There were no spare bedrooms for participants and we just slept in the facilitation room. It was a very nice room however. The house was essentially a bungalow for the normal rooms with a large facilitation room on top of the house. Two of the three facilitators were resident in the house, so everything was set up ready for sessions, and there were lovely little messages scattered throughout the house.\n\n![fear.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmWcgyjahHeeXmpRfU7W22xLMYg99VG9UZUNvFby3tqo6n/fear.jpg)\n\nUnlike other retreats where booster doses were standard, the main facilitator at this retreat said he would only be giving boosters to those who asked. \n\nAs night fell and the session began, I drank my first dose and lay down in wait. As mentioned on my previous blog, I had set my intentions on dealing with my perceived issues of the lower chakras. Nothing really happened for about an hour after the first dose, The facilitator offered a second dose to anyone requiring one. I was up to claim my medicine without hesitation.\n\nAgain, the process seemed slow, but I was quite content and not impatient. I had been wondering whether one does not get so many visions having taking multiple doses of Ayahuasca. But then about an hour and a half later, I had some pleasant visions. There were lots of silver sparkles throughout the backdrop of my closed eyes. They somehow came together to make this beautiful industrial looking machine. I didn’t know how to interpret this.. or whether I even needed to. Usually the message from Ayahuasca is very clear, but this was somehow more cryptic. It quickly dissipated, however, and was replaced by green and red sparkles coming in from my closed eyes’ peripheral vision at all angles.\n\nWhen the sparkles passed, my hands once more developed their own consciousness and began to work on my lower torso, my sexual energy. There was a lot of massaging around the pubic bone initially. I could feel how congested my lymphatics in this area were. Lymphatic massaging is a fix used in Kinesiology, so I knew what was going on. As ever, I was purging unwanted energies through my breath, but it seemed to be a very mild purging. I have noticed in previous sessions that when I purge through the breath more heavily, more of a shrieking sound is emitted. \n\nThe work did not last a long time, however, and it felt as if there was nothing left there to do, and yet I was sure that there was. I was highly stimulated from the brew on this night, but somehow I didn’t seem feel the spirit of the vine within me. I did however finish the rest of the evening with a beautiful overhang of the love and light I had experienced on the last two nights of the previous retreat, which I was very grateful for.\n\nAs has been the case for my entire Ayahuasca history, I could not sleep immediately after the process. Usually I sleep for a few hours in the early afternoon.\n\n**Day 2**\n\nI ended up not bothering to sleep, so I was pretty tired going into the second night of Ayahuasca. Tonight the facilitator offered Yopo instead of a second dose of Ayahuasca. I had a kind of knowing that this is something that I wanted to do tonight. I had tried it once before seven years ago with a friend, rather unprofessionally, with just some instructions and a few accounts from Erowid to show me the way. I had bought some Yopo seeds off the internet and cut them up with the required alkaline substance to release the alkaloids. We had snorted the resulting mixture as if it were cocaine. The lines were at least 5 inches long. So big in fact, that they barely managed to fit up our nostrils. I had a particularly unpleasant experience outside of time, my friend an even worse one. Although we did both enjoy the afterglow that followed.\n\n\nI drank my first brew, and laid down after it had transgressed my stomach. I actually then fell asleep because I was so tired. I awoke to the abrupt sound of one of the facilitators unplugging  the audio jack of the stereo equipment from his phone. For a moment I was disorientated. I was feeling something from the brew, could barely remember how much time had passed or what had happened. Additionally the primary facilitator was performing some kind of shamanic ritual - emitting sounds while beating his chest. I couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on! I was slightly discombobulated and a little scared, but caught up with myself quickly enough to get back on track.\n\nShortly afterwards there was some more work I did on my lower torso, but again, this seemed to grind to a halt prematurely, and before I knew it I felt “sober” again.\n\nI wondered about the yopo once more. It contains a mixture of DMT and 5-ME0-DMT, a combination of the ingredients of Ayahuasca and Bufo Alvarius, but not exactly with the combined result of both. They say you live out your past characters when you consume it. I had also witnessed somebody on the previous retreat having an unpleasant experience. So I was very apprehensive about having it again, but all the signs pointed to this being the right thing to do. \n\nI went down to the toilet and upon my return requested the Yopo from the facilitator. He sat me down and explained to me to sit on the end of my mattress on the floor with my hands on my head to contain its energy for at least half an hour. He explained the whole process usually takes a couple of hours.\n\nHe filled the pipe with the Yopo and projected it up each of my nostrils. It felt a little harsher than a rapé.  For the next 10 minutes or so I saw bright coloured sparkles in the field of vision of my shut eyes. The purging bucket was placed directly in front of me. It is expected that there is a lot of purging. Indeed, I remember on my first Yopo experience it seemed to be endless. I waited but it never seemed to come. After the 10 minutes had passed I saw a beautiful tapestry of psychedelic tapestry. Purples, yellows, reds, blues and greens.\n\nIt was at this moment one of the facilitators sat beside me with her shamanic drum, and began to beat away. Her drumming had been a unique feature of this particular retreat that I had rather enjoyed. It seemed to have a positive effect on several of my and the other participants’ processes. The beat began slow before speeding up to a crescendo and then slowing down and grinding to a halt. It lasted for about 10 minutes or so I think. Just before she finished I felt that I needed to experience some unconditional love, so when she did I turned round to my side where she sat and opened my arms to embrace her, smiling. She duly obliged. We must have been hugging for 10 seconds or so when I felt something in my throat. I turned around and picked up the bucket to spit in it, still embracing in the hug. I was disappointed about how it was ruining a beautiful moment. Then I felt a big shift of energy from further down. I quickly disengaged to get into the vomiting position as a large amount of purge escaped me. It was dark red, I had no idea where that came from. The other two facilitators chuckled. So did I. I removed the bag from the bucket, tied it up and threw it in the dustbin at the side of the room. “Thank you, I love you. Goodbye!”\n\nStrangely, this seemed to be the end of my Yopo process. It had only lasted for about half an hour. My Ayahuasca process seemed to return shortly afterwards though. I spent some more of the evening stretching and untangling my body from the usual knots it gets itself into which felt relieving. I really did have a relatively quiet night again though.\n\n**Day 3**\n\nThe brew really kicked in on the third night from the first dose. I felt the spirit of the vine within me. I let go of the control of my body and just allowed everything to happen automatically. The hand healing that hadn’t done very much and basically given up during the first two nights went into full swing. Digging right in deep in the same kinds of areas. At times I knew my hands were hitting a sweet spot  (a meridian point or something maybe), as I felt an intense sensation of energy both at the location I was healing and synchronistically in my third eye.\n\nAs I worked on myself releasing energy, the shrieking noises on my outbreaths came back again - I knew that I was releasing a lot of energies I had accumulated from traumas and bad experiences over the years. This continued for a long duration, and this time I was satisfied with the outcome. I felt light around that area as I had done around my chest on the previous retreat, so I knew I’d had a successful purge.\n\nIt was the last evening so there was a lot of bashfulness, laughing, and talking among the other participants, but it did not bother me. Sometimes I joined in. I could go back into my process as and when I pleased, so it seemed. I did some further work on my core - allowing my inner spirit to lift my spine up off the mattress and twist itself back into more natural configurations. The facilitator saw me and helped me out with her drumming. I released more energy through my breath, but it was a lot gentler - no shrieking this time.\n\nI did not require a booster dose. The spirit of the Ayahuasca had been in me for the duration of the night. Nothing else was required.\n\nI had suspected to go deeply into my fears this weekend, but in actuality it never happened. Maybe there is little fear left within me - or maybe it will seep out of me another time when I least suspect it!\n\n![woodsun.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmYFKxkngzjnUFTWCQ6RyYjvyh1oAK7bmwuZchyxifGHv6/woodsun.jpg)",
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      "body": "Around a week after the first retreat, a few realisations came together in my life in perfect synchronicity. \n\nI had a feeling that I needed to go deeper into my issues - that the 4 nights of the first retreat were great, but not quite enough to unwind myself from all the layers of mental junk I had burdened myself with over the years. I had also begun to read the book *Shaman, Healer, Sage* by *Alberto Villodo*. In this book, the author gives great insight into the healing methods of the Inka shamans. A part of me knew I had to go deeper into my psyche to understand these spiritual ways with greater coherence. The more entheogens I have taken, the more my spirituality and my intuition have grown. I had also become aware of the 3 moon cycle - to do three 3-night ceremonies of Ayahuasca within 3 moon cycles gives us a greater cleanse. The 3 moon cycle is also a prerequisite for the school to become an Ayahuasca facilitator. This is not something I am sure whether I would like to pursue. However, I decided that regardless of whether I pursued it or not, the profound mental clarity I knew it could give me would enable me to understand the human psyche much better. This would still provide me with invaluable skills in my ambitions to be a healer. I still had money left from the 2018 cannabis budget I would now not be spending on cannabis. It was a no-brainer!\n\nThe retreat took place in a small town in the Swiss alps called Gyron. The scenery there is absolutely beautiful. I did not manage to take notes for this retreat so I wrote all the following from memory in the subsequent week.\n\n![DSC_0694.JPG](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmfUvacnhGFTwSAfPZsZBm9ogrkQ1nTQ77bsZjcpzgc9jT/DSC_0694.JPG)\n\n**Day 1**\n\nFor the first night there were only 6 participants including myself. Nothing much happened after the first drink. The booster dose however picked me up into a state of mind never before experienced with Ayahuasca. It was an experience very close to the 3rd night of the first retreat yet even stronger. I remember getting lost on my way to the toilet again. My pupils were so dilated that I could barely see!\n\nWaves of spiritual energy passed through my entire body as I lay there, allowing it to breach me. It seemed as though the core of my being was part of the very fabric of reality. The proximity to this made me a little fearful. I guess it was just fear of the unknown. I used my historical experience of psychedelics to let these thoughts blow over me. After all, it was beginning to turn my experience in the wrong direction, and I did not want a repeat of the hell I suffered on the 3rd night of the first retreat. I remember thinking that I had to endure another 2 nights of this, and so quickly attempted to quell my negative cognitions.\n\nA huge lesson about my mind then came my way - I thought I had pretty much owned my own mind on the final night of the first retreat but oh, how wrong could I have been? That was just the tip of the iceberg. I could see my mind as an object in my visualisation and noticed that it had a huge amount of metaphorical clutter orbiting it. It was like the Ayahuasca was showing me all the things I allowed to cling to it. I then began to see all the thoughts of my mind flooding my inner psyche. I realised how it was making interceptions in every single thing that I did - every thought or action carried a ridiculous number of judgements from my preconceived belief system - a system that had built up over the course of my life. Some of these cognitions had absolutely no relevance to my life any longer, and yet they continued to plague me. I was absolutely horrified.\n\nIn that moment the Ayahuasca had shown me a distinct separation between my mind and my actual being. It was as if the mind had taken over my life and I was no longer in control. **It** was. But now I could see it for what it was. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to visualise this with such clarity back in a state of sobriety, so I took great haste in heeding the lesson it was showing me.\n\nThis evening’s session also saw some more purging, as seems to be commonplace on the first night of a retreat, for me at least. The sickness seemed to come from the deepest part of my being - It felt as if what was escaping me was a conscious being, which had its own nefarious reasons for living within me, such was the velocity, putrid sound it made and manner in which it ejected itself from within me.\n\nI had again focused much of my effort around my heart area throughout this session - pressing on different areas with my hands and allowing the trapped  energy to escape via my breath. I noticed as I did this there was sometimes a spasm in my chest. It was like there was something there just trying to hold on that did not want to let go..\n\nI remembered reading in the book *Shaman, Healer, Sage* that parts of our old characters from spent lives can become stuck within our present selves. I recalled my past life regression from years ago, and then wondered whether my broken hearted sailor self was trapped within me.\n\nWe had been taught Hoʻoponopono by the facilitators over the last couple of days - a Hawaiian practice of forgiveness and reconciliation. We would learn to show unconditional love to inanimate objects, and say “thank you I love you” to the things that we felt had caused us suffering. This takes away the power to cause us suffering in the first place.\n\nWith this I decided to set my intention for the next night’s work to see if I could find a way to create dialogue with this part of me - to not force it out, but to talk to it and to love it away, so to speak.\n\nIt had been a difficult night, but waking up to a perfect picture postcard scene of the Swiss alps somehow made it all worthwhile.\n\n![DSC_0683.JPG](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmQqStriZUeGCb4TMNwU9EKTPTYXrX1F2Ge275a4DKX8xm/DSC_0683.JPG)\n\n**Day 2**\n\nI did not sleep in the early morning and ended up getting some rest in the afternoon. When I awoke in the early evening, I went downstairs to find many new participants to the retreat. I think we totalled 11 that night. We all acquainted ourselves with one another and settled down into the facilitation room.\n\nMy first drink gave me some flowy visuals, the same as I had often experienced during the first retreat. It was lovely and relaxing, but had mostly worn off by the time the booster was ready around an hour and a half later.\n\nThe booster slowly but surely took me into my process, and I began to work around my heart again. As I started to feel the resistance in the form of the spasming, I began the dialogue with this stuck inner part of me. I told it that the lovelessness we shared was not serving either of us anymore. I told my “brother” that this is the ideal situation in which he can set himself free - to fly away into the beautiful Swiss mountains and be one with spirit again - to release himself from the turmoil that has tortured him (and me) for so long. I sensed that it was working. I was releasing energy through my breath as I was the night before but this time it felt slightly different. It actually felt like there was a conscious entity leaving me.\n\n“Be free my brother. Thank you. I love you” I said in my head, with every exhalation when I felt him returning to source. An overwhelming feeling of love and lightness embraced my upper torso and I had an enormous feeling of redemption. Had this been the reason I was rejecting love all of my life?\n\nI revelled in my sense of glory over succeeding in my mission for a short while, before remembering something else from the book. When an entity such as this, or even something parasitic has been removed, the luminous energy field of the body (the aura) should be flooded with light. This is achieved by being conscious in the 8th Chakra, the soul chakra, and raining beautiful white light down upon the entire luminous energy field. I was sure there was an exercise associated with this, but couldn’t quite remember it. Anyhow, I somehow knew that this would not be required while under the influence of Ayahuasca. It should be simple.. and it was.\n\nI just took my awareness to the soul chakra and expressed gratitude for everything I needed to, but mainly about the result I had just achieved. I envisaged the chakra as a shower head, raining down brilliant white light upon me and within me. I lay there in spiritual ecstasy as I imagined the new positive future I had created for myself. As the night grew on and this began to diminish, I retired to my bed, but it was still there for most of the night. I again did not sleep immediately, for I was still revelling in my inner joy.\n\n**Day 3 & 4**\n\nA few more participants had left and a few joined. Tonight we would be treated to the most wonderful session of live music. We had been spoiled all weekend, but tonight the music was almost continuous for the entire session. Two of the facilitators are excellent guitarists and singers, and one of the others an excellent ukulele player and singer. There were other instruments too.\n\nI felt hardly anything after my first drink, but I was not at all bothered. I was just laying there, chilled out, enjoying the music. I had intended to do some work on my lower chakras, but even the second drink hardly seemed to affect me. Or so it seemed.. The later the night drew on, the more beautiful the music seemed to become.\n\nI hadn’t needed to get up to use the toilets as often as I had done on previous nights. I was quite content in my chill zone. When I did get up to go I realised how wired I was. I stumbled as I attempted to get up. The music had indeed been getting a lot more beautiful as the Ayahuasca had slowly been catching up with me.\n\nLater on in the night as the music was finishing and the facilitators were closing the ceremony, I had realised I was just as high as I had been on the previous night. The only difference was that I had no real internal processes going on. I just lay there enjoying my new found love of love, contemplating the future joys of my new life without the baggage I had rid myself off the previous evening.\n\nI spent another hour or so on my mat before retiring to bed. I knew I wouldn’t sleep but decided I would like to lay in my own sanctuary, with the gentle mountain air coming through my window, caressing my inner spirit. I would listen to my own music for a few hours while continuing to revel in absolute bliss. I arose around 7am to stand on the balcony and wonder in the marvel of the Swiss mountains once again, for later that day we would all be leaving.\n\nOver the course of the 3 nights I had spent some time “fixing” some of the vertebrae in my neck and back. I have spoken about this tension before. It had almost gone completely following the work I had done on it during the first retreat, but then it had returned over the course of the next few weeks. I had already suspected something which the Ayahuasca had confirmed to me by the final evening..\n\nThis tension is associated with my kidney meridian, I have known this meridian to be weak within myself through my recent studies of Kinesiology. I have a few theories for this. One of them being my dehydration issue from my 18 year long cannabis habit. The other is from my 15 years of fear - the extreme anxiety I suffered between the ages of 11 and 26. I have always imagined that this must have somehow affected me long term. \n\nMother Ayahuasca has told me where to focus my intentions for the final retreat of the 3 moon cycle. The above issues combined with my niggling inflammatory bowel problems, mean I will be spending most of my time on my root, sacral, solar plexus and throat chakras. \n\nIt will be interesting to see if there are any repressed fears trapped within me. Interesting, although perhaps terrifying..\n\nI will soon find out.",
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