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      "parent_permlink": "life",
      "author": "sarfine",
      "permlink": "one-of-these-happy-days-not",
      "title": "One of these happy days... not",
      "body": "She's visiting again. Without my permission. Again. It's killing me inside. Gives me so many flashbacks with feelings. She has been here for about 30 minutes. Her usually visits. Calling on the door phone and on the door. I'm still not opening. She's been doing this for over 2 years now. She should have learned that I won't open for her because of how she is and all the history.\n\n![](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmYdwgVUfgaACDUDyKKJyvX9HktwZmpTKLiCJjQkzhJBad/image.png)\n\nI'm afraid to go out in the stairwell to see if she has left. One time I did check and she was still standing there 1 hour later, holding the door. This is so scary. I  feel really sorry for those people in my closet circle because she has a history to just show up at my friends' houses and ask them questions about me and so on. \nI still don't understand how hard it is for her to understand that I don't want to have any contact with her. About three months ago she wrote a letter to me because I've changed my phone number so she can't terrorize me that way, that she would stop contacted me in any form but here we are again. In the same position, we have been in for the last 2 years. Last time I wrote to her, through text, that I needed a break and just breath for some time and that I would be in contact again when I was ready.\n\nApparently there has been someone who has died in my family, my aunt, which is, of course, really sad. I'm thinking that the aunts' death was because she was done here on earth and decided to leave us. Rest in peace Auntie.\nThe letter mother wrote is more disturbing to me. She wrote that if I'm not contacting her I'm a coldhearted woman and doesn't care about my family. This hurt a lot. I also know that she used these words to trap me and force me to contact her, which I won't of course. She's really mean and I don't trust anything she says or write because I'm thinking that she is trying to manipulate me into doing things I don't like. The whole letter was more like a threat than an invite for me to contact her and to go on the funeral. I'm not going. My family and relatives are very toxic so I will not attend the funeral, feels hard to say but it's the truth. I'm going to have a little ceremony on my own at home with some candles and frankincense to thank her for her time here on earth and wish the best of luck in the afterlife. \n\n![](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmYYHJpFd9v9bfYVdEgfE18PAS66Y9tBK9z9uj6kTaB3U5/image.png)\n\nAll this today made feel awful because it isn't funny that someone dies and that she was here terrorizing me and leaving letters in my postbox and that she has taken pictures of it and all that stuff. I'm feeling exhausted and don't want to go to work. I also know that I'm not cold-hearted. Before I left I was so numb and tired of all that happened in my family that I didn't have the energy to care. These days I'm more happy and calm than I was before and I've been fighting my own dark memories and feelings, which has improved a lot.\n\nThank you for reading.\n\nLove,\nSafine",
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      "body": "Yes, I feel meditation helps and that I'm using music to make myself relax. I'm sensitive to sounds and can't shut it out so I kinda get panic attacks when it's too many sounds around me. I listen to meditation music on youtube before I sleep and it makes me calmer. I'm sensing and feeling the progress, sure it's slow but it's there :)",
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      "body": "It all comes back to breathing :) Im sure your slowly realising it too! Meditation is medication, and its free and personal, more time doing that is less time the mind has your power :)",
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      "author": "steemitboard",
      "permlink": "steemitboard-notify-sarfine-20190820t225805000z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Congratulations @sarfine! You have completed the following achievement on the Steem blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :\n\n<table><tr><td><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/60x70/http://steemitboard.com/@sarfine/commented.png?201908201936\"></td><td>You got more than 10 replies. Your next target is to reach 50 replies.</td></tr>\n</table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@sarfine) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=sarfine)_</sub>\n<sub>_If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word_ `STOP`</sub>\n\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "That sounds really scary but maybe it does work. I'm reading other stuff, meditate and learning more about myself and others who have been in the same position.  Just learning you know :).\nSounds good to have meditation on the bus. I sort of do the same. I listen to calm music and just chill on the bus/tram ride :)",
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      "parent_permlink": "pwhw0k",
      "author": "movingman",
      "permlink": "pwj2s1",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Just go get hypnotized a few times then and cheat :P that should rewire the memorys and thoughts to let you progress further! I call it cheating because is working much better. Theres also a therpapy style caleed \"shaking therapy\" Is got a better name for it but its slipped my mind atm. \n\nYou get hypnotised and go back through all the traumas but then you start to shake physically which relesases them from us, us humans are the *only* mammal that *doesnt shake* after we experience a trauma, we do the oppersite and we freeze up..\n\nTLP I think it might be called, but i must got get a bus soon so I cant check, and bus time is my mediation time so no looking at phones hahahah",
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      "author": "sarfine",
      "permlink": "pwhw0k",
      "title": "",
      "body": "@@ -137,17 +137,9 @@\n ce :\n-relaxed: \n+)\n .%0ANo\n@@ -410,13 +410,7 @@\n ared\n-:worried:\n+ :(\n",
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      "author": "sarfine",
      "permlink": "pwhw0k",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Yeah, it feels good but at the same time, it's hard when you are so used to be in that part. As long I do progress in this I feel at peace :relaxed: .\nNo sorry, I've never heard of him. I looked him up when you wrote his name just so I know. I'm a little skeptical about him because the family I left used the New Age stuff against me, blackmailing and wishing bad stuff to happen to me, etc.  It makes me a little scared:worried:",
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      "author": "movingman",
      "permlink": "movingman-re-sarfine-pwg5ny-20190818t202443937z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "It's great that your relearning and healing journey began already! Time to break those repetitive mind patterns that keep trying to drag the you back into the pain of the past 😀\n\nDid you come across my favourite, Ekhart Tolle?\n\nPosted using [Partiko Android](https://partiko.app/referral/movingman)",
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      "body": "Interesting. Why do people do these stupid things to do with other people. Don't they realize they are hurting others?",
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      "body": "Hi there again and thank you :),\nI've been quiet as well for some time as well so I wouldn't know about that.\nYes, I have and discovered a lot about myself and been trying to ease it as it comes and goes as it pleases. It takes time. I've improved a lot. 1 - 1,5 year ago I was really aggressive about this which I'm not very proud of.",
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      "body": "Hi and welcome back to a very quiet Steem! Did you ever start yet with body and mindwork for yourself?\n\nPosted using [Partiko Android](https://partiko.app/referral/movingman)",
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      "author": "sarfine",
      "permlink": "the-triggering",
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      "body": "I had an episode last night, which wasn't that fun at all. I haven't had one of these in some time so it was hard on me. My PTSD was calmer than usual which was a relief. I was just crying while words, pictures, and emotions just kept running inside of me. I just laid there in the bed crying feeling bad, sad and anxious. \n\nhttps://cdn.gozen.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/dontcry2.jpg!\n\nI know why it was coming. The thing is that I just have about 1 month left on my work contract and I've been trying to extend that by sending in my personal letter because the company has a place open and need people. I'm nervous if I'm going to get the job and that is what triggered my PTSD last night. It's hard having these stuff from the life I have left but it always there reminding me.  Last night, the last words my mother said to me before I run away was thrown at me at full force and I couldn't stop it. It was just there. Flying in my head, throwing me off guard.  I think I did this for maybe 30minutes.\n\n![](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmbU7bPdpbaukmB2o4yumJhE9DSQc7optwPB4oBonVG4qb/image.png)\n\nHonestly, I really dislike this when it happens. Sure, it doesn't happen as often like before but it's always there lingering in my head, reminding me of the time before I run away from home. Before I didn't want to talk about it or liked to think about it. But it was there. It wasn't when II notice that I was harming those around me that I wanted to get help. I still suffer from it, sometimes I can handle it and sometimes I can't, like yesterday. PTSD is not fun and I don't wish that to anybody.\n\nThank you for reading.\n\nLove,\nSafine",
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      "author": "sarfine",
      "permlink": "the-history-is-repeating-itself-yet-again",
      "title": "The history is repeating itself yet again",
      "body": "So what have I discovered this time? I've been discovering that people like to supervise you even though they are not the boss. I know I do is sometimes too but I know why and trying not to do it. I do it because I've been excluded so many times and I felt that I wasn't needed or liked. These feelings are still there but I'm trying my best to come over these feelings of excluded and lonely. After I feel a little ashamed over that I've done that because I don't want others to know or experience that. \nI've met people who do this to control you, both coworker and family members, which is not okay. First time I experienced it with a coworker was some years ago, but he wasn't a nice person and would manipulate you into thinking he was your friend and later stab you in back.  I hated it. I felt powerless and made me so stressed out I become sick and my body was burnt out. Too bad, I'm kinda in the same situation atm at my current job but this time it's not that awful but I feel it. So I'm trying to avoid that person at my job. Maybe I'm ranting while writing this but the other day I got information about my coworker from another coworker of mine that the one that's always checking on me was sitting inside doing nothing while I was working my ass off outside in the pouring rain. That coworker was not happy. This information gave me a lot because it explains why this coworker is constantly checking on me or looking down on me even thou I do my best at what I'm doing. the coworker that saw the lazy one was not really pleased and when the other coworker got information through me that the lazy one was shopping work clothes were not really that thrilled about that info either.\n \nWhat I've figuring about these kinds of things is that people usually do these kinds of things, like controlling, because they are lazy and want others to do to their job so the can chill. I don't like these kinds of people because it reminds me of the life I left behind two years ago and it is hitting me with full force in my face. I'm feeling sad and betrayed that people do this. I'm sorry this has become a ranting post. It keeps me thinking that my coworker has been lazying around while I've been working. I never have seen the working progress only when we are meeting for a few seconds each day. I just feel sad, very sad. This makes me believe that people do not work only playing around and let everyone else do the job.\n\nBecause of this, I don't want to be hired by other people or companies. I want to be my own, be own by myself. Do my own thing. I know what I want to do but to get there I need the money and time, mostly money. But I know the goal and what it could lead to. Freedom\n\nThank you for your time :3\n\nLove,\nSarfine",
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      "parent_permlink": "life",
      "author": "sarfine",
      "permlink": "from-now-to-forward",
      "title": "From now to forward",
      "body": "Everything needs to be changed because everything is wrong. The feelings, those who exist and those I don't know to exist at this moment. I feel disconnected from everything. The feeling is there but I can't give them names. It feels like the curtain is closed and I'm just like a shell. Filled with everything I need but I don't know how to connect with it.\nI talked to my therapist about this who told me I have feelings but I don't know how to name them. All my life I have only been able to address these negative feelings because that's what has always been focused on and not the good ones. It's hard to do that fast because I'm not very used to knowledge these new feelings. \n\nThese last months, maybe since December or January, I've done a lot of progress with my inner journey. Which is both frightening and a positivity one, but I have seen my own progress even though it has only been small steps in progress. I will only see it when I look back.  \nWhen I look at other people I meet on the street or bus I wonder how they do to have connections to all their feelings and if they have any issues and so on. You see I'm curious if I'm the only one who has these kinds of issues. I've of course read on different pages for people who have a similar experience so I know there are people out there who are like me. Maybe someone close to me has been through a similar situation like me but haven't spoken to anyone about it. What I've learned from the years is that you think it's your own fault for all the things that happen and that you are somewhat afraid about the things that happen to you and that you don't want people to know.  You feel ashamed and afraid that you would be judged and abandoned because that is what you have learned all your life, to feel these negative feelings.  \n People who are outside really don't know what to do, not saying everyone is like that, but just listen if you don't know, don't judge, lend an ear or a shoulder, give a hug.  Discuss what the person wants to do in the situation, try to help.\n\nWith this, I just want to tell how it was for me and how it is at this moment. I'm sorry for my low update but I'm working and have only the weekends available to write and most of the time I'm resting and taking care of myself.\n\nLove and hug,\nSarfine",
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      "parent_author": "sarfine",
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      "author": "steemitboard",
      "permlink": "steemitboard-notify-sarfine-20190510t170015000z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Congratulations @sarfine! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@sarfine/birthday1.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 1 year!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@sarfine) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](http://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=sarfine)_</sub>\n\n\n**Do not miss the last post from @steemitboard:**\n<table><tr><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/steemitboard-witness-update-2019-05\"><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/64x128/http://i.cubeupload.com/7CiQEO.png\"></a></td><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/steemitboard-witness-update-2019-05\">SteemitBoard - Witness Update</a></td></tr></table>\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "parent_permlink": "life",
      "author": "sarfine",
      "permlink": "the-hidding",
      "title": "The hidding",
      "body": "I started a new job a month ago. It's kinda interesting and fun at the moment but it's a challenge for my body. It's mostly young people but I like it. I don't sit still like I usually do at work and I can decide my own working hours, like if I want to start late or early, which department and so on. I'm feeling so free.\n\nBut I feel like I'm kinda in a prison as well because the humans are so square in their thinking and overwork themselves and work fast. I feel bad for them because they don't know what they are doing to their bodies and mind. My mind is not growing here but my body sort of feel at peace but I'm still feeling like an itch running through my body and I want my freedom again but I still don't like the freedom because I get so easily bored. I want the itch to go away but I wonder if it will ever disappear from my body. \n\nI'll mask myself still in their company, still feeling like I can't be myself and easily fall in old tracks but I have a feeling that I'm changing the energy, stirring around in the pot, and make changes and make the youngsters think in longer terms about themselves instead of following the way the company thinks. The company thinks that you should be productive every minute and that has instructed you to believe that you cost 5 SEK every minute and that you should hurry in everything you do. Some of them have even hurt themselves thinking like this and they can't carry anything. \nI feel bad for them and at the same time that they are stupid for following these thoughts. But I've been there as well and what that has given me is a body that can't handle stress very well or criticism at all. I also know that my family situation has a finger in the game as well. I wish more people would realize that they are controlled by the state and try to free themselves but it's hard. Trust me, I know. I've been there\n\n![](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmXfnhTgqp8zPmL47JfRpBkx5RVcVg2FN6xMBvhfj3E9Va/image.png)\n\nI also wish to be more like myself and don't feel the need to hide to be accepted by others. Feeling a pressure to have it up every day but at the same time, I don't feel like I've to as well. But it's hard leaving it at home and I'm afraid that they will see my scared self and all my experience in many categories. I'm scared but I don't want to hide, hide the fact that I know what they are doing to themselves and that the company is forcing them to overwork themselves and all. \n\nI only want to be free, free from all the chains that keep me strained to the ground because so many humans are living in a reality that does not exist...\n\nLove,\n![Signature1.png](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmTTpNXwVRQBZR9mpRtyJvpqfnH9ChbYbCbQBDoV6NSzhZ/Signature1.png)",
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      "title": "The absence of  Sarfine",
      "body": "I'm sorry for my absence here on Steemit but since last year it has been a lot of a rollercoaster and insights about myself that I sort of needed taken care of. It has not been solved yet but I'm working on it. \n\nThese last months have not been great for me and I've come to the conclusion that I have many issues and things I need to solve. It has not been nice for either of us and I really wish it was easier than it has been.  The issues are nothing that can be solved overnight because it's something that has been with me since childhood and the people who have been in my life. People who no longer is with me because I've cut ties with them. People I no longer need. People who only give me sorrow, pain, and tier up wounds that have no time to heal. \n\nI've been ignorant about my behavior. Ignorant that it has hurt the people that are in my life at this time.\n\nLast year I didn't think my problems were as deep as I today know. They always linger underneath and reminded me of the past, a past that I can't erase from me because it's a part of who I am today. I taking it all in. It's like learning to breathe again but with no chains, nothing holding me back. Sure the wounds and scars are always there and I'm learning to deal with them. But I want to break free. To find me. To regain the strength that has lingered so deep inside of me. The strength that has kept me alive all those years of hell.\n\nI've done research about the experience I've been through and I know that I'm not alone and that it's common that people who been through the same experience have the same issues and it can take years to heal. Something I've realized as well is when you admit that you have a disruptive behavior it's a little easier to work on it.  I am getting professional help with my issues but it takes time to heal and sort of reinstall everything in my mind. Wishing it was much easier to erase everything that was but it would be like erasing my own existence which would not help at all. It's a part of me and I have to learn with it for the rest of my life but with time it will be easier and will not be as hard as it is at this moment.\n\nLast, of all, I only want to heal and feel better about everything and wishing all of you the best.\n\nLove, \n![Signature1.png](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmTTpNXwVRQBZR9mpRtyJvpqfnH9ChbYbCbQBDoV6NSzhZ/Signature1.png)",
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      "body": "Well thought written I say. Honestly, I think we would feel so much better without the time or a clock and someone that is in charge of you. Money is only something the government has decided is important and that school is necessery for us.",
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      "body": "I started a new job a month ago. It's kinda interesting and fun at the moment but it's a challenge for my body. It's mostly young people but I like it. I don't sit still like I usually do at work and I can decide my own working hours, like if I want to start late or early, which department and so on. I'm feeling so free.\n\nBut I feel like I'm kinda in a prison as well because the humans are so square in their thinking and overwork themselves and work fast. I feel bad for them because they don't know what they are doing to their bodies and mind. My mind is not growing here but my body sort of feel at peace but I'm still feeling like an itch running through my body and I want my freedom again but I still don't like the freedom because I get so easily bored. I want the itch to go away but I wonder if it will ever disappear from my body. \n\nI'll mask myself still in their company, still feeling like I can't be myself and easily fall in old tracks but I have a feeling that I'm changing the energy, stirring around in the pot, and make changes and make the youngsters think in longer terms about themselves instead of following the way the company thinks. The company thinks that you should be productive every minute and that has instructed you to believe that you cost 5 SEK every minute and that you should hurry in everything you do. Some of them have even hurt themselves thinking like this and they can't carry anything. \nI feel bad for them and at the same time that they are stupid for following these thoughts. But I've been there as well and what that has given me is a body that can't handle stress very well or criticism at all. I also know that my family situation has a finger in the game as well. I wish more people would realize that they are controlled by the state and try to free themselves but it's hard. Trust me, I know. I've been there\n\n![](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmXfnhTgqp8zPmL47JfRpBkx5RVcVg2FN6xMBvhfj3E9Va/image.png)\n\nI also wish to be more like myself and don't feel the need to hide to be accepted by others. Feeling a pressure to have it up every day but at the same time, I don't feel like I've to as well. But it's hard leaving it at home and I'm afraid that they will see my scared self and all my experience in many categories. I'm scared but I don't want to hide, hide the fact that I know what they are doing to themselves and that the company is forcing them to overwork themselves and all. \n\nI only want to be free, free from all the chains that keep me strained to the ground because so many humans are living in a reality that does not exist...\n\nLove,\n![Signature1.png](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmTTpNXwVRQBZR9mpRtyJvpqfnH9ChbYbCbQBDoV6NSzhZ/Signature1.png)",
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      "body": "I discovered something new this week which was quite interesting. Went for a shopping round close to home and experienced something new that I've never seen before. Somehow my energy seeing suddenly turns itself on again but that has happened a lot these couple of weeks which kinda freaks me out but that's become the normality. While walking around people I saw their energy being released around them. I didn't see the color of them but after that, I saw it on everyone. Surprisingly it didn't scare me at all, I was just very surprised by it. \nKinda like this :)\n![](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmUVeTHesHxzQdVs9Gw8qFYWrv72jbA1bwUcUj9VZ6MHZP/image.png)\n\nI've known for some time now that we, all of us, are just energies that we have borrowed from some greater power than ourselves but haven't seen it until now. As I have written before I have seen a lot of different things over the years which have scared me or fashinated me. This sight fascinated me and was very interesting because I have never seen this. \nI've started to see shadows in our apartment, outside and at work\n\nI wonder what I will see next time.\n\nLove,\n![Signature1.png](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmTTpNXwVRQBZR9mpRtyJvpqfnH9ChbYbCbQBDoV6NSzhZ/Signature1.png)",
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      "body": "I discovered something new this week which was quite interesting. Went for a shopping round close to home and experienced something new that I've never seen before. Somehow my energy seeing suddenly turns itself on again but that has happened a lot these couple of weeks which kinda freaks me out but that's become the normality. While walking around people I saw their energy being released around them. I didn't see the color of them but after that, I saw it on everyone. Surprisingly it didn't scare me at all, I was just very surprised by it. \nKinda like this :)\n![](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmUVeTHesHxzQdVs9Gw8qFYWrv72jbA1bwUcUj9VZ6MHZP/image.png)\n\nI've known for some time now that we, all of us, are just energies that we have borrowed from some greater power than ourselves but haven't seen it until now. As I have written before I have seen a lot of different things over the years which have scared me or fashinated me. This sight fascinated me and was very interesting because I have never seen this. \nI've started to see shadows in our apartment, outside and at work\n\nI wonder what I will see next time.\n\nLove,\n![Signature1.png](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmTTpNXwVRQBZR9mpRtyJvpqfnH9ChbYbCbQBDoV6NSzhZ/Signature1.png)",
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      "title": "",
      "body": "@@ -102,17 +102,17 @@\n ut to co\n-m\n+n\n sume all\n@@ -183,12 +183,33 @@\n  good at all\n+.%0Ayes nmuch better :)\n",
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