{
  "block": 35132365,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "steemitboard",
      "body": "Congratulations @sarahmegabubble! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@sarahmegabubble/birthday3.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 3 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@sarahmegabubble) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=sarahmegabubble)_</sub>\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
      "json_metadata": "{\"image\":[\"https://steemitboard.com/img/notify.png\"]}",
      "parent_author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "parent_permlink": "who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind",
      "permlink": "steemitboard-notify-sarahmegabubble-20190731t031502000z",
      "title": ""
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2019-07-31T03:15:03",
  "trx_id": "f65530ba4ca9a837423afdf9673346a73bca35fd",
  "trx_in_block": 7,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4663184,
  "op": [
    "author_reward",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind",
      "sbd_payout": "0.079 SBD",
      "steem_payout": "0.000 STEEM",
      "vesting_payout": "301.163090 VESTS"
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-09-04T01:56:57",
  "trx_id": "0000000000000000000000000000000000000000",
  "trx_in_block": 4294967295,
  "virtual_op": 4
}

{
  "block": 4663184,
  "op": [
    "interest",
    {
      "interest": "0.177 SBD",
      "owner": "sarahmegabubble"
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-09-04T01:56:57",
  "trx_id": "0000000000000000000000000000000000000000",
  "trx_in_block": 4294967295,
  "virtual_op": 3
}

{
  "block": 4635318,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "stevescoins",
      "body": "Give yourself a new Voice to listen to - The Fighter\n\nThe Fighter is YOUR voice,  it kicks the bully's butt, it reassures and relaxes Tweak, and it slaps a little backbone into the Defeatist\n\nYour mind is a powerful tool, and it wants to work for you; sometimes it needs a little direction.\n\nThis is what you did when you had finally had enough and were tired of the others;  just formally identify it as you have the others.\n\nCongrats on taking back your own life",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"blog\"]}",
      "parent_author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "parent_permlink": "who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind",
      "permlink": "re-sarahmegabubble-who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind-20160903t024125343z",
      "title": ""
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-09-03T02:41:36",
  "trx_id": "3ec95b2db5e70b2101da504320d6265e504cf63a",
  "trx_in_block": 2,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4635232,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind",
      "voter": "stevescoins",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-09-03T02:37:18",
  "trx_id": "1b727c1f35cae534ced2d23f194076f50d33aa0f",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4634459,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind",
      "voter": "glitterfart",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-09-03T01:58:39",
  "trx_id": "e245f978e06d1d5b15d97af8e5fb10a7428a37de",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4634423,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "jlufer",
      "permlink": "re-sarahmegabubble-who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind-20160903t005147397z",
      "voter": "sarahmegabubble",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-09-03T01:56:51",
  "trx_id": "cf3ab3b794a3623e2427ab7078e3a909255e5c9d",
  "trx_in_block": 0,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4633875,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "body": "Thank you so much for commenting! It inspires me to keep writing. I know how difficult the self-growth process is so I just hope I can help people by sharing what I learn.",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"blog\"]}",
      "parent_author": "jlufer",
      "parent_permlink": "re-sarahmegabubble-who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind-20160903t005147397z",
      "permlink": "re-jlufer-re-sarahmegabubble-who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind-20160903t042921443z",
      "title": ""
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-09-03T01:29:27",
  "trx_id": "5d582aec2c5170c1776a87bb162b32dde1e08425",
  "trx_in_block": 0,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4633122,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "jlufer",
      "body": "Thanks for sharing this material, I like what you posted. Thank you so much",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"blog\"]}",
      "parent_author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "parent_permlink": "who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind",
      "permlink": "re-sarahmegabubble-who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind-20160903t005147397z",
      "title": ""
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-09-03T00:51:48",
  "trx_id": "3ecc790233e4d34cff2660514c8ca4d3ecb25f39",
  "trx_in_block": 2,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4633121,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind",
      "voter": "jlufer",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-09-03T00:51:45",
  "trx_id": "4ced3eb18a5c3132d1253b13cf4884b922c1c295",
  "trx_in_block": 0,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4632918,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind",
      "voter": "greatdabu",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-09-03T00:41:36",
  "trx_id": "57b843a713c7401854c3a471ba0d4b663662016a",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4632847,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind",
      "voter": "kakradetome",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-09-03T00:38:03",
  "trx_id": "6c84734cb33456ab79d446d763681386e22e0073",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4632802,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind",
      "voter": "rpo",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-09-03T00:35:48",
  "trx_id": "09486aee0d22f548d332de566a61c5c7e5cbffe4",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4632709,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind",
      "voter": "sarahmegabubble",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-09-03T00:31:09",
  "trx_id": "cc53c261d3e7785b0373eb07c3cfc6aecc6d46de",
  "trx_in_block": 4,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4632709,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "body": "<html>\n<p>&nbsp;http://i63.tinypic.com/2uy6kna.jpg</p>\n<p>I don’t like positive thinking.</p>\n<p>By that, I mean the type of positive thinking that says if you fill your head with happy mantras and affirmations you’ll eventually believe it. I don’t like it at all. I think it’s unrealistic and unhelpful. &nbsp;</p>\n<p>Trying to believe everything is alright when it's not and telling myself I love myself when I want to die only left me feeling like a failure. It felt dishonest. Repeating a positive message to myself didn't make me believe it, it only made me tune out the words until what I was saying lost all meaning.</p>\n<p>I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety from C-PTSD for many years and I’ve tested many ways of dealing with it. I tried positive thinking which didn’t help me, so I tried the complete opposite. I dove head first into the abyss. &nbsp;</p>\n<p>I used to repress my emotions; as a child it was essential for survival. I was always sensitive but growing up, my feelings were shamed and invalidated so I pushed them down. After I got out of my original abusive situation and started scratching the surface of healing, I realized I had a problem with repression. Then I became obsessed with my emotions. &nbsp;</p>\n<p>Anything I felt, anything I thought, was of the utmost importance- a reflection of myself. Everything I felt had to be analyzed and was allowed to stay for however long it wanted. &nbsp;My mantra became “All feelings are valid.”</p>\n<p>While I still agree that all feelings are valid, I’ve amended it to, “All feelings are valid, but it doesn’t mean that every feeling is true.” Meaning that your feelings aren’t necessarily an accurate reflection of the current situation and you need to practice discernment in where exactly your feelings are coming from. Whether you’re feeling bad because someone currently violated your boundaries, if you were triggered, or both. &nbsp;</p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p>There’s also the matter of the recordings in our head that come from past experiences. I’ve identified several in my own head:&nbsp;</p>\n<p>- <strong>The Bully</strong>. This guy is a straight up douche. All he does is demean, mock, and tear you down. It’s the voice that snarls, “You’re nothing. You’re worthless. You’re a waste of space and better off dead. They were all right about you, you’re a broken failure of a human being.”&nbsp;</p>\n<p>- <strong>Tweak</strong>. Named after the South Park character, this guy believes everything the bully says and is constantly panicked by it. Every little thing that happens is a major stressor and becomes the biggest problem in the world. This is the voice of anxiety.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>- <strong>The Defeatist</strong>. The epitome of powerlessness is the defeatist: “What’s the point? Why should I clean up? What difference would that make? Everything is always the same no matter what. Why should I do something that might make me happy when I could just lie here. It doesn't matter. There’s no point to anything.” Everything in the world is gray to the defeatist. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>\n<p>These recordings have dominated my mind for years and I identified with them strongly because I was so scared of repression. They HAD to be parts of me, otherwise why would they be so loud? So convincing? So overwhelming?&nbsp;</p>\n<p>I figured since they were part of me, I needed to nurture and validate them. But that never made me feel better. It just worsened my self-loathing, nihilism, anxiety, depression and shunned my child-self for expressing any innocence, wonder or curiosity. &nbsp;</p>\n<p>This nurturing of the monsters became part of my self-care. While self-care is essential, it’s hard to do effectively if you don’t know who you are.&nbsp;</p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p>Along with treating these echoes of my past like they were me, I also believed:</p>\n<p>- Self-Care is total kindness. All compassion, all nurturing, all mothering, all validating, all the time. While this is amazing to do for your inner child, it doesn’t help at all when you apply it to the monsters.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>- I needed to walk on eggshells with myself all the time. I felt fragile and delicate. I wasn’t allowed to set limits, discipline, or say no to anything I wanted. &nbsp;</p>\n<p>Due to all these misconceptions, my mind was a madhouse. There was no safe space and I never knew what to expect. If something triggered my insecurity, my day was ruined. There was no coming back from it.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>My conscious voice, the one that is speaking right now, would get locked away in the back of my mind. &nbsp;I have this image of my reasonable self locked away in a cage, screaming but being drowned out by the noise of internal conflict. With no way to self soothe, I was only released when the emotion subsided. I often felt like someone handed me a screaming, crying baby that I didn’t know what to do with. I’d try to kiss it or pat in on the head but it would only get louder. I wanted to set it on the ground and run.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>I also had a problem with being controlling outside of myself. I’d cling tightly to my relationship, wanting to get all the attention and praise I needed there. I was terrified of everyone I love dying, I was terrified anyone not liking me or someone being “better” than me. People would tell me I need to let things go more which angered me. I already had nothing, what else was I supposed to give up? <em>Goddamn</em>.</p>\n<p>It was assertiveness that helped.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>I woke up one day last week crying. I sobbed, feeling empty, worthless and devastatingly insecure. Nothing new, same old shit I’ve been dealing with for years. They came from beliefs I’d thoroughly examined; I knew the sources that caused them. I’ve cried about them, written about them, grieved them and they were still as persistent as ever. I didn’t know what to do outside of that. &nbsp;</p>\n<p>I got up, got dressed to work and as I was waiting for my bus, something snapped. <em>&nbsp;I was so tired of this</em>. I was tired of feeling victimized in my own head. I was tired of having no control in my life. I took a stand. I yelled at the chaos:</p>\n<p>“Listen, you can feel bad, you can attack me, you can be insecure, but I REFUSE to be locked away. You will not take control of me today. I’m going to sit on this mountain of objectivity and I’m going to observe. Your waves can crash around me but I will not let you drown me.”&nbsp;</p>\n<p>I spent the next three hours of my desk watching it all and I challenged every thought. I wasn’t sweet and permissive this time, I was fierce.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>“Oh I should die? No, I shouldn’t. You’re an old recording and the only reason you’re saying that is because you don’t think there’s any other way out from this suffering, but that’s not true. There is another way.”&nbsp;</p>\n<p>“Oh I’m worthless and replaceable? That's bullshit. No I’m not. There’s no one exactly like me and there never will be. You’re only saying that because of how you’ve been treated but that message isn't true.”&nbsp;</p>\n<p>For the first time, I really believed what I was saying. I'd known these things intellectually but the strength and anger I had conjured up made the truth about my worth feel real.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>I went through the entire process of my husband leaving me, down to him packing up his stuff, walking out the door to who would keep the cat. It hurt, it hurt a lot but I didn’t abandon myself in the process. I went through how I would cope, who I would hang out with, what I would do afterwards and realized I’d be okay. He’s not the only thing standing in my way of a heroin addiction or a suicide. I’d be okay on my own, I’d recover. &nbsp;</p>\n<p>After a few hours it all died away and I was able to put 100% of my focus into my job for the first time in months. I felt empowered like a grown ass woman instead of feeling like a powerless baby. Instead of feeling drained, I was full of energy.</p>\n<p>Since then I’ve felt more independent, more fearless, confident and assertive with other people. I’m starting to give less of a fuck about what other people think. It feels amazing. &nbsp;</p>\n<p>I’ve started taking responsibility for my mind, my emotions and my happiness. By doing so, I taken the first step in mastering my mind and I’ve never felt more like myself. &nbsp;&nbsp;</p>\n</html>",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"blog\",\"psychology\",\"freedom\",\"love\",\"assertiveness\"],\"image\":[\"http://i63.tinypic.com/2uy6kna.jpg\"]}",
      "parent_author": "",
      "parent_permlink": "blog",
      "permlink": "who-do-you-think-you-are-how-i-m-learning-to-master-my-mind",
      "title": "Who Do You Think You Are? How I'm Learning To Master My Mind"
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-09-03T00:31:09",
  "trx_id": "cc53c261d3e7785b0373eb07c3cfc6aecc6d46de",
  "trx_in_block": 4,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4560486,
  "op": [
    "author_reward",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "my-name-is-sarah-megabubble-and-i-m-joining-steemit",
      "sbd_payout": "80.277 SBD",
      "steem_payout": "0.000 STEEM",
      "vesting_payout": "280153.584819 VESTS"
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-31T12:08:33",
  "trx_id": "0000000000000000000000000000000000000000",
  "trx_in_block": 4294967295,
  "virtual_op": 2
}

{
  "block": 4451535,
  "op": [
    "custom_json",
    {
      "id": "follow",
      "json": "{\"follower\":\"sarahmegabubble\",\"following\":\"steemtits\",\"what\":[\"blog\"]}",
      "required_auths": [],
      "required_posting_auths": [
        "sarahmegabubble"
      ]
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-27T17:06:09",
  "trx_id": "b0cef16536292c19634f51689c9be7f0347257df",
  "trx_in_block": 3,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4421929,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "my-name-is-sarah-megabubble-and-i-m-joining-steemit",
      "voter": "aaseb",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-26T16:08:54",
  "trx_id": "ecf4f1b287d4f0bbbf1f411454a980e45e8a7130",
  "trx_in_block": 3,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4396642,
  "op": [
    "author_reward",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "sbd_payout": "0.108 SBD",
      "steem_payout": "0.000 STEEM",
      "vesting_payout": "256.946589 VESTS"
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-25T18:56:00",
  "trx_id": "0000000000000000000000000000000000000000",
  "trx_in_block": 4294967295,
  "virtual_op": 40
}

{
  "block": 4389662,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "bajekay",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-25T13:04:03",
  "trx_id": "51f74719a9b9be144ba0724ca673afdbbd000021",
  "trx_in_block": 0,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4382151,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "voluntary",
      "body": "I'm glad you still did good and got the job.  Have you tried meditation?  How about self defence to help realise your own power?",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"life\"]}",
      "parent_author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "parent_permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "permlink": "re-sarahmegabubble-the-days-that-i-hate-myself-20160825t063740300z",
      "title": ""
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-25T06:37:42",
  "trx_id": "f287a797dc50ac38b3ad18b4acc77cf22b62e064",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4373826,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "slevin22",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T23:37:30",
  "trx_id": "e6130927f216284744885985b333b4865bedbcff",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4368264,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "somebody",
      "weight": 3500
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:58:12",
  "trx_id": "94bcf2495bf153a7d64abdca4c2f96ec03ae07cd",
  "trx_in_block": 2,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4368263,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "sisterholics",
      "weight": 2500
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:58:09",
  "trx_id": "e2872539d69ee8f1272adac758555af70cd7a9ee",
  "trx_in_block": 2,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4368262,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "microluck",
      "weight": 3600
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:58:06",
  "trx_id": "ea0dfb3e598cb375bf6978573e8632e8a918f7a0",
  "trx_in_block": 0,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4368261,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "flysaga",
      "weight": 3700
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:58:03",
  "trx_id": "c311558ba602f4c7c0c18cf55ee5e31c25f5b62b",
  "trx_in_block": 0,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4368260,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "midnightoil",
      "weight": 3500
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:58:00",
  "trx_id": "5e0991f3c12c980b66d234328609108e32be72b5",
  "trx_in_block": 0,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4368259,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "myfirst",
      "weight": 2000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:57:57",
  "trx_id": "166841640649fb5b094db90b2a72f739a874f943",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4368258,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "kimziv",
      "weight": 3400
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:57:54",
  "trx_id": "f29918fec4b989cab4dbfd1ac7b883625cd00b9b",
  "trx_in_block": 0,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4368257,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "xianjun",
      "weight": 3400
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:57:51",
  "trx_id": "8b09cdffa16ac21037c4ba17d0583d378acc41a4",
  "trx_in_block": 2,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4368256,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "xiaokongcom",
      "weight": 3000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:57:48",
  "trx_id": "ba1011e705b036ddb4a148dda8ca7076857586d5",
  "trx_in_block": 3,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4368242,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "xiaohui",
      "weight": 1700
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:57:06",
  "trx_id": "70e161700eb2c041bb514bf912ce7290a75aa70a",
  "trx_in_block": 4,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4368241,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "laonie",
      "weight": 1600
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:57:03",
  "trx_id": "9711b72df0cfffbf0a0b08426414e89edf326a2f",
  "trx_in_block": 2,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4368240,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "cryptos",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:57:00",
  "trx_id": "ad8b459c9ee4e95c78ae5b42236874b41b09537c",
  "trx_in_block": 3,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4368032,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "lauralemons",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:46:36",
  "trx_id": "db032be1276ab703fbb8ca0d5a10c8693721faa5",
  "trx_in_block": 0,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4367407,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "fingolfin",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:15:12",
  "trx_id": "b58df103c8c76bba66f7e82fe6256f52f64df92c",
  "trx_in_block": 7,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4367272,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "rpo",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:08:24",
  "trx_id": "811fcd598b72ff6ea17d47cfb5e7f4c9dda9ef80",
  "trx_in_block": 6,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4367190,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "body": "@@ -7195,17 +7195,16 @@\n t of my \n-p\n ass and \n",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"life\",\"me\",\"psychology\",\"feelings\",\"love\"],\"image\":[\"http://i67.tinypic.com/2qis2mo.jpg\",\"http://i64.tinypic.com/2jusuc.png\",\"http://i64.tinypic.com/2zxy1ae.png\"]}",
      "parent_author": "",
      "parent_permlink": "life",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "title": "The Days That I Hate Myself"
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:04:09",
  "trx_id": "0077adee5abf822bb8f0aa795c1277b33ca0aa48",
  "trx_in_block": 4,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4367180,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "voter": "sarahmegabubble",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:03:39",
  "trx_id": "8ad5a949ba03729b41af57150291e5bbf3c8cd85",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4367180,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "body": "<html>\n<p>http://i67.tinypic.com/2qis2mo.jpg</p>\n<p>Last week, my husband told me a story he read online about a polyamorous girl who had a threesome with her husband and lady friend. Her husband had a big dick that the girl was never able to fit it inside her fully but her friend could, and her husband moaned in ways she never heard before. She walked away feeling insecure and unable to satisfy him. &nbsp;</p>\n<p>My husband told me this out of a “wow, this sucks for her but this has nothing to do with us” kind of way. It was just a sad story he read that he wanted to share. But I didn’t take it that way. &nbsp;It triggered deep pain inside me. Even though the story had nothing to do with me or my situation, I felt like I was that girl. I was overcome with feelings of insecurity, inferiority, and inadequacy. Old beliefs started screaming at me:&nbsp;</p>\n<p>“Your only worth is in your body and sexual ability, otherwise you’re nothing.” &nbsp;</p>\n<p>“Your only worth is in your looks.” &nbsp;</p>\n<p>“You’re replaceable.” &nbsp;</p>\n<p>“There’s someone better than you just around the corner.” &nbsp;</p>\n<p>\"You’re going to be abandoned.\"</p>\n<p>\"No one loves you.” &nbsp;</p>\n<p>\"You're nothing.”&nbsp;</p>\n<p>I remembered all the times I was cheated on by boys who told me they loved me. I remembered the sexual abuse, emotional abuse and neglect that made up my childhood. I started sobbing in the Taco Bell drive- through in my fancy clothes and makeup. I was dressed up because I was going to work, had a meeting and job interview but I immediately felt overexposed- unworthy of my pretty outfit.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>My husband was very sweet to me and tried to comfort me the best he could but the reaction was so deep seated, there wasn’t much he could do. He gave me so much sensitivity, warmth, and loving words but I couldn't hear him, not really. I was able to pull myself together for the bus ride but as soon as I sat down at my desk at work, faced with a list of boring, menial tasks. I lost it.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>I went to the bathroom and sobbed for about 30 minutes, not even understanding why at the time. I tried to be kind to myself but I had fallen too deep down the hole and I was stuck. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>\n<p>http://i64.tinypic.com/2jusuc.png</p>\n<p>There was a part of me, the part that had only known cruelty, clung to self-loathing and rejected any compassion I tried to give. I tried to breathe deeply and I'd calm down after a couple breaths but then another waves of tears would fall over me then I'd fall apart. I tried to be be objective and nurturing. \"This isn't really happening to you, no one is leaving you. I'm sorry you feel this way but this is just a trigger.\" But that sad child self wouldn't hear. &nbsp;</p>\n<p>Reality fell away from me and &nbsp;I was back in the hell that was my life when I was 12, before I was told that how I was treated was wrong. Before therapists taught me about C-PTSD and self talk, back when all I knew was my mom either ignoring me or calling me a worthless little shit. When the kids at school told me I should kill myself because I was ugly, when four different boys at school sexually harassed me- sitting on me, touching me, yelling obscene things at me. When the teachers did nothing when I told because there was no proof, and on top of it all being forced to go to the cult meetings three times a week where I was told I was shameful and bad.</p>\n<p>My life back then was a gray hell that felt like an eternity. I internalized everything I had ever been told and believed it. All I felt was a deep loathing of my existence. Everyday I woke up wanting to find some light, some hope, but none came. There was only cruelty I didn’t understand but felt I brought it on myself. &nbsp;I would’ve killed myself if I wasn’t so worried about who would find my body. I’m not alive because I had faith in my future, I’m alive because I empathized with my abusers to the point that I didn’t want them to have to clean up my blood. So, I settled for slicing my thighs open 50 times every night. It was the only coping mechanism I knew. I thought my life was normal.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>http://i64.tinypic.com/2zxy1ae.png</p>\n<p><em>That got pretty dark, so here's a cat licking pizza.&nbsp;</em></p>\n<p>And I was back there. I felt all of that again. That eternal feeling of hell and self-hatred. I had urges to self-harm, which I didn’t act on but still alarmed me. And I had a job interview at 1:40. How was I supposed to talk myself up to a potential employer when I felt this so viscerally? All these feelings exploded out of me- like a volcano or really bad diarrhea. &nbsp;</p>\n<p>It doesn’t help that I have obsessive thought patterns. If something is deemed important, it runs over and over and over in my mind until I can find a way to record it on paper, or have another thing to obsess over. I think it’s a form of over mental preparedness and the fear of forgetting/repressing that causes this, but I felt even worse because I was powerless over my own mind.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>On top of feeling so pathetic, I felt ashamed that I couldn't hold it together at work. I started beating myself up for crying, which made me cry more. It’s these times where I need love the most, that I’m incapable of giving it to myself. &nbsp;</p>\n<p>Any words to the contrary of this self-loathing paradigm sounded like an absurd fairy tale not worth considering. I was unable to be nuanced, objective and intellectual. I was overcome by my emotions, preparing for abandonment that would never come. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>\n<p>It was incredibly frustrating because I knew beating myself up wasn't effective. I <em>knew </em>I needed nurturing. I <em>knew </em>by attacking myself I was triggering my amygdala furthering this reaction. I <em>knew</em> there was nothing wrong with me and I was just being triggered, I <em>knew </em>I needed to validate myself and actively show myself that it was okay, that my reality was okay. But I just couldn't.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>There is a gap between theory and practice of self-care that I'm still learning to bridge. Since it was such a strong reaction coupled with the fact that I didn't have time to delve into it the way I normally would, I couldn't cope. I endured it until I could go home. &nbsp;</p>\n<p>In retrospect I have a lot of compassion for how I felt. I understand why that story brought up past hurts and I'm grateful for it showing me that I still need healing in those areas. It gave me a lot to think about. &nbsp;</p>\n<p>I'm also glad for how far I've come. That reality I went back to is no longer my present state. I've actively created a good life for myself and I'm not a defenseless child anymore even though sometimes I still feel like I am. I am getting better. Even about 8 months ago, going back to that reality was a nightly occurrence but now it's happening less frequently with more awareness. I'm healing. I'm learning.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>Self love is a process, a long arduous process, and I still have a long way to go. In the meantime I'm going to try to not beat myself up for beating myself up.&nbsp;</p>\n<p><br></p>\n<p>P.S. I was able to some willpower out of my pass and make it through the 10-minute job interview. I got the gig! :)</p>\n<p><br></p>\n</html>",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"life\",\"me\",\"psychology\",\"feelings\",\"love\"],\"image\":[\"http://i67.tinypic.com/2qis2mo.jpg\",\"http://i64.tinypic.com/2jusuc.png\",\"http://i64.tinypic.com/2zxy1ae.png\"]}",
      "parent_author": "",
      "parent_permlink": "life",
      "permlink": "the-days-that-i-hate-myself",
      "title": "The Days That I Hate Myself"
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T18:03:39",
  "trx_id": "8ad5a949ba03729b41af57150291e5bbf3c8cd85",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4348727,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "my-name-is-sarah-megabubble-and-i-m-joining-steemit",
      "voter": "russiananononan",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-24T02:37:39",
  "trx_id": "39606fe77801a70e9c009a04037c480bf0c3172b",
  "trx_in_block": 0,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4193112,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "my-name-is-sarah-megabubble-and-i-m-joining-steemit",
      "voter": "ezrathecat",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-18T15:41:57",
  "trx_id": "15d4260fc79c107e2f8cadf2eb3b9db864d211a5",
  "trx_in_block": 0,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4175089,
  "op": [
    "custom_json",
    {
      "id": "follow",
      "json": "{\"follower\":\"sarahmegabubble\",\"following\":\"dichotomisi\",\"what\":[\"blog\"]}",
      "required_auths": [],
      "required_posting_auths": [
        "sarahmegabubble"
      ]
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-18T00:37:30",
  "trx_id": "df6c7364c8a19c694be63adb05c16f3181285f31",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4175088,
  "op": [
    "custom_json",
    {
      "id": "follow",
      "json": "{\"follower\":\"sarahmegabubble\",\"following\":\"roeloffvorster\",\"what\":[\"blog\"]}",
      "required_auths": [],
      "required_posting_auths": [
        "sarahmegabubble"
      ]
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-18T00:37:27",
  "trx_id": "fa0dcbb2d26b6f761fdc023dd264d1737b444069",
  "trx_in_block": 5,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 4175088,
  "op": [
    "custom_json",
    {
      "id": "follow",
      "json": "{\"follower\":\"sarahmegabubble\",\"following\":\"saltox\",\"what\":[\"blog\"]}",
      "required_auths": [],
      "required_posting_auths": [
        "sarahmegabubble"
      ]
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-18T00:37:27",
  "trx_id": "099f5f7abbb232a0819b7883e227072bc712eb34",
  "trx_in_block": 3,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3960176,
  "op": [
    "author_reward",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead",
      "sbd_payout": "0.010 SBD",
      "steem_payout": "0.000 STEEM",
      "vesting_payout": "18.582742 VESTS"
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-10T12:38:39",
  "trx_id": "0000000000000000000000000000000000000000",
  "trx_in_block": 4294967295,
  "virtual_op": 3
}

{
  "block": 3947222,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "body": "@@ -8933,16 +8933,18 @@\n %C2%A0I said \n+I \n had some\n",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"suicide\",\"ex\",\"death\",\"life\",\"hippie\"],\"image\":[\"http://i68.tinypic.com/2yy1pw1.jpg\",\"http://i66.tinypic.com/wlqd0l.png\",\"http://i66.tinypic.com/s31ugj.png\",\"http://i68.tinypic.com/6se2c4.png\",\"http://i65.tinypic.com/nc1o2e.png\",\"http://i63.tinypic.com/6p1d0w.jpg\"]}",
      "parent_author": "",
      "parent_permlink": "suicide",
      "permlink": "my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead",
      "title": "My Ex-Boyfriend Is Dead."
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-10T01:48:45",
  "trx_id": "c31bd7960cc49d5aff863603cc0e9dfab00ec6c2",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3947216,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead",
      "voter": "chainsoffear",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-10T01:48:27",
  "trx_id": "5933a38f827aaf3ebbf55411cb302bd2d39ffeca",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3946874,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "body": "@@ -9804,33 +9804,33 @@\n /p%3E%0A%3Cp%3Ehttp://i6\n-8\n+5\n .tinypic.com/241\n@@ -9830,15 +9830,14 @@\n com/\n-241tso1\n+nc1o2e\n .png\n",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"suicide\",\"ex\",\"death\",\"life\",\"hippie\"],\"image\":[\"http://i68.tinypic.com/2yy1pw1.jpg\",\"http://i66.tinypic.com/wlqd0l.png\",\"http://i66.tinypic.com/s31ugj.png\",\"http://i68.tinypic.com/6se2c4.png\",\"http://i65.tinypic.com/nc1o2e.png\",\"http://i63.tinypic.com/6p1d0w.jpg\"]}",
      "parent_author": "",
      "parent_permlink": "suicide",
      "permlink": "my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead",
      "title": "My Ex-Boyfriend Is Dead."
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-10T01:31:18",
  "trx_id": "b5e5afc39920dd41d305b3e593de8f9a6599553b",
  "trx_in_block": 2,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3946553,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "body": "Thank you so much Chris! My brain wouldn't shut up until I wrote it all out. My husband put it best when he said, \"it's sad how it can take a person's death to remember the good things about them\"\n\nDefinitely makes me think about being more forgiving and compassionate.",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"suicide\"]}",
      "parent_author": "chriscrypto",
      "parent_permlink": "re-sarahmegabubble-my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead-20160810t010225086z",
      "permlink": "re-chriscrypto-re-sarahmegabubble-my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead-20160810t041509519z",
      "title": ""
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-10T01:15:15",
  "trx_id": "57b945450112797423f772911850ed57df433c10",
  "trx_in_block": 2,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3946485,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "chriscrypto",
      "permlink": "re-sarahmegabubble-my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead-20160810t010225086z",
      "voter": "sarahmegabubble",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-10T01:11:51",
  "trx_id": "70a8b30fd52bf27e740ff974520b2e352e9d0672",
  "trx_in_block": 0,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3946298,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "re-moviefan-re-sarahmegabubble-my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead-20160810t025149347z",
      "voter": "chriscrypto",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-10T01:02:30",
  "trx_id": "cd1b8c741f5d8aefa3b3e51dbb4868ce6b9ac151",
  "trx_in_block": 3,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3946296,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "chriscrypto",
      "body": "This is brave of you sharing this story here. Your feelings and emotions really come through and this is a very touching story. It seems like some of the most beautiful people in this world have demons they cannot escape. So sad and all the best to you Sarah.",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"suicide\"]}",
      "parent_author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "parent_permlink": "my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead",
      "permlink": "re-sarahmegabubble-my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead-20160810t010225086z",
      "title": ""
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-10T01:02:24",
  "trx_id": "9f29fbc43165a811152d7ddd9bca83b9498555c0",
  "trx_in_block": 4,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3946198,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead",
      "voter": "chriscrypto",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-10T00:57:27",
  "trx_id": "319b9850f36050c00b6f5248503782f43b3296b8",
  "trx_in_block": 5,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3944890,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "body": "Thank you! It's really a weird one...",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"suicide\"]}",
      "parent_author": "moviefan",
      "parent_permlink": "re-sarahmegabubble-my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead-20160809t234108327z",
      "permlink": "re-moviefan-re-sarahmegabubble-my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead-20160810t025149347z",
      "title": ""
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-09T23:51:54",
  "trx_id": "a60a8fc4a14c61c91bb50ba4431909600ecbc6e4",
  "trx_in_block": 2,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3944882,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "moviefan",
      "permlink": "re-sarahmegabubble-my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead-20160809t234108327z",
      "voter": "sarahmegabubble",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-09T23:51:30",
  "trx_id": "60c1acc0127d8d81b1a39dd3f3a67e089deb5c74",
  "trx_in_block": 4,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3944867,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead",
      "voter": "ramonvalecillos",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-09T23:50:45",
  "trx_id": "3735416511f56dacb7339509d29649f52f3cd3c9",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3944750,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead",
      "voter": "jerome-colley",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-09T23:44:54",
  "trx_id": "7043b23581909176a6b7b35f8c799f7e6c21304b",
  "trx_in_block": 0,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3944698,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead",
      "voter": "moviefan",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-09T23:42:18",
  "trx_id": "d129a7bc134b4c17cfe031aac2324ee7e6fc63fa",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3944692,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "moviefan",
      "body": "I am very sorry for your loss!",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"suicide\"]}",
      "parent_author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "parent_permlink": "my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead",
      "permlink": "re-sarahmegabubble-my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead-20160809t234108327z",
      "title": ""
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-09T23:42:00",
  "trx_id": "9d5d7cff9cb29252d3ae2e5bfbf401d779728eeb",
  "trx_in_block": 3,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3944671,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead",
      "voter": "shenanigator",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-09T23:40:57",
  "trx_id": "b2572656ab3cf857601e9c8499955d5dadeddea6",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3944625,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead",
      "voter": "sarahmegabubble",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-09T23:38:39",
  "trx_id": "942466388dc7e83205dc6cd22dbe0862af2ac8b1",
  "trx_in_block": 4,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3944625,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "body": "<p>http://i68.tinypic.com/2yy1pw1.jpg</p>\n<p>This weekend, he shot himself in the head 6 days before his birthday. He was 22 years old.</p>\n<p>I found out the other night around 11:30 through Facebook. I was, I still am, shocked.  I felt adrenaline run through me and little memories came flooding back:</p>\n<p>His favorite band was the Beatles. </p>\n<p>His favorite thing to say was &quot;Life Goes On&quot;</p>\n<p>He was a Leo.</p>\n<p>He had dyslexia.</p>\n<p>He loved German class.</p>\n<p>He hated to take off his shoes.  </p>\n<p>He had a smiley face magnet on his car. </p>\n<p>He hated cigarettes because they killed. </p>\n<p>He said &quot;I love you&quot; to everyone. <br />\n </p>\n<p>When we met, he was a senior, I was a freshman. He was a sociable, hippie guy with a crooked smile.  I found him intriguing.  After school one day, a random person handed me a box of cookies. I took them, walked outside the school and saw him standing there talking to someone.  I didn't really know him then but I wanted to, so I handed the box to him.   &quot;Here have some cookies!&quot;</p>\n<p>He was surprised and smiled. “I'm going to call you Cookie now!”  He offered me a ride home. I thought it was <em>so cool</em> how he could drive and had his own truck.</p>\n<p>That was the beginning of hanging out with him after school and getting stoned. We laughed, we had tickle fights. We twirled around in the street. We listened to music and watched Spongebob.  Mainly we just talked. We talked so much. We sat in the McDonald's parking lot and talked for hours. We laid in the middle of the road looking up at the stars and talked.  At the time I never knew a boy who actually cared what I had to say. I felt free around him, like I could say anything. I could just be myself. <br />\n </p>\n<p>One day he was driving me home and said &quot;I'm not a good person, Cookie. I'll hurt you&quot;. </p>\n<p>I dismissed it. I thought he was just being hard on himself or had low self-esteem. I saw a light in him, a goodness. I thought I could help him by loving him. But he was just being honest.  <br />\n </p>\n<p>He hated the small town we lived in.  He said that frequently. </p>\n<p>&quot;Then why don’t you leave?&quot;</p>\n<p>&quot;I can't. I was born in this town and I'm going to die in this town&quot;</p>\n<p>&quot;But why? If you hate it you can leave&quot;</p>\n<p>&quot;I just can't.&quot;  </p>\n<p>I didn’t understand. <br />\n </p>\n<p>I showed him the horror movie Triangle. It's a story of a woman caught in a hellish loop as punishment for her sins, a spin on Icarus. He <em>loved</em> it. He raved about it after, saying it was his new favorite movie. He said he was going to go home and watch it again. Being stuck in a meaningless, repetitive hell that’s impossible to escape from really resonated with him, goddamn.</p>\n<p>Underneath his happy social demeanor, he was a deeply hurt person. He hid it well, but there was a deep suffering he denied. That's part of what made him so mysterious to me. I wanted to make it better.</p>\n<p>He told me he tried to kill himself before. We were in his black pick- up truck in the McDonald's parking lot and he told me his dad kept a gun in the house. It was always loaded. One day he walked over to it, unlocked the box, put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. It just wasn’t loaded the day.  </p>\n<p>He said  &quot;I guess there's a reason why I'm here.&quot;</p>\n<p>I asked him why he wanted to kill himself.  He just shrugged. &quot;Why not?&quot; </p>\n<p>I didn't understand that at all.  <br />\n </p>\n<p>He broke up with his girlfriend to unofficially, secretly date me. He told me we had to keep it a secret because I was 14 and he was 18. His friends would judge. I told him for someone who prided himself so much on not caring what people think, he cared a lot. </p>\n<p>We dated for about two weeks, winter break. We had sex for the first time a few days before he dumped me. That broke my heart. </p>\n<p>I knew he was going to end it. He was acting different, more far away. He stopped randomly showing up. He wasn't texting me as much. </p>\n<p>He texted me saying he need to come over to talk to me. I said, &quot;you're dumping me, aren't you?&quot;</p>\n<p>He said yes, and gave some explanation. I freaked out and sobbed. He came over later and talked about things. He said life goes on. I wanted to punch him in the face, he let me punch his shoulder.  I screamed as loud as I could in his truck. He screamed too. I thought it was a beautiful moment in a strange way. </p>\n<p>He left things ambiguous. He said I was too young, maybe in the future we could be together. He texted me later and said, “Cookie, stay sweet”. <br />\n </p>\n<p>I really loved him.  I loved him as much as a naive, traumatized, codependent 14 year old could.  Which was a lot, considering.  </p>\n<p>Because there was no closure, and that glimmer of hope that one day we’d be together, I pined after him for months. I dreamt about him, I thought about him constantly. I wrote so much bad, clunky poetry. I distanced myself from people, put up coded messages on Facebook so maybe he would talk to me. I didn’t understand how someone who seemed to genuinely like me so much and looked at me with so much warmth could just leave.  </p>\n<p>After everything I had ever been through in my life, all the abuse I had endured, the boys who broke my heart then I met someone I really felt like I loved. Then it was gone just as quickly as it came. I didn’t see the darkness in him, the glaring red flags, I didn't care. I saw potential. Besides we could still be together, it was still possible… one day.  </p>\n<p><strong>          WARNING: A terrible, incredibly cringe-worthy love sick poem by 14-year-old me:</strong></p>\n<p>           The world is littered with black pick-up trucks, </p>\n<p>           Though I never noticed until yours came around. </p>\n<p>           Now I see them everywhere and I'm struck, </p>\n<p>           By you and this god-forsaken town. </p>\n<p>           I'd will to see your headlights down the road every night, </p>\n<p>          Then you'd suddenly appear out of thin air. </p>\n<p>          Seeing you walk up my driveway was an amazing sight, </p>\n<p>          But I don't think you can read my mind anymore. </p>\n<p>          Even though time was fickle and never on our side, </p>\n<p>          We'd sit for hours to talk, debate and yell. </p>\n<p>           And lay in the road, staring deep into the sky,</p>\n<p>           Most of all, we would just be ourselves. </p>\n<p>          We were never bogged down with generic talks of love, </p>\n<p>          or those meaningless sweet nothings. </p>\n<p>          We had an unspoken agreement that rose above, </p>\n<p>          Our eyes told each other the important things. </p>\n<p>          Our time together wasn't all that long, </p>\n<p>          But in that time, </p>\n<p>          I felt truly free. </p>\n<p>          Though sometimes I question if we happened at all, </p>\n<p>          I then remember we were quality over quantity.</p>\n<p>          The world never understood what we had, </p>\n<p>          With you being eighteen and me just a kid. </p>\n<p>          Being told at every corner that we were bad, </p>\n<p>          We couldn't get away no matter where we hid. </p>\n<p>          I float in and out of people's lives, I easily leave dozens of people behind. </p>\n<p>         When I have change, that's when I thrive, </p>\n<p>         But how come I just can't get you out of my mind? </p>\n<p>         You used the nickname you gave to me, </p>\n<p>         As you said our last goodbye. </p>\n<p>         Even though I'm not too sure what it means, You said, &quot;Oh, Cookie. Stay sweet.&quot; </p>\n<p><br />\n <br />\n I started to feel guilty that he left his girlfriend for me.  I reached out to her and apologized. While we were talking she mentioned they had sex on New Years, the day he canceled plans with me to &quot;go to Universal&quot;. I stopped being sad, I was angry. Why did he even break up with her in the first place? Why did he cheat? I needed to know. </p>\n<p>I confronted him at his house, felt resolved and moved on.  Until he wrote me a year later apologizing. I accepted it, we started talking again, spent a night together then he ghosted on me again. </p>\n<p>When he reached out again, I thought that maybe one day had come, maybe I was old enough. I felt myself starting to get sucked back into that dark, depressive spiral. One day after I woke up in the middle of the night crying in my sleep I knew I had to break this cycle he always managed to put me in. </p>\n<p>So I wrote him a love note. It was three or four pages long of my sweetest, most vulnerable feelings. I put my heart on the line and held absolutely nothing back.  I don’t remember exactly what it said but it was raw and incredibly emotionally intimate.</p>\n<p>I asked him to come over,  I said had something to give him. He did, I sat in his truck and handed the letter to him.</p>\n<p>&quot;You know I don’t like reading, Cookie- I'm dyslexic&quot;</p>\n<p>&quot;Just read it.&quot;</p>\n<p>It took an agonizing amount of time.  He read it slowly, he read every word. Then it was over.</p>\n<p>He chuckled.  I don’t remember exactly what was said it was pretty much a &quot;not going to happen&quot;. I felt humiliated and rejected. I felt lighter.  </p>\n<p>I told him to keep the letter because it was true. I walked into the house, closed the door. I started laughing manically. I seemed insane but I was finally free. <br />\n </p>\n<p>He reached out to me in February to apologize about everything. This was our last interaction ever:</p>\n<p>http://i66.tinypic.com/wlqd0l.png</p>\n<p>http://i66.tinypic.com/s31ugj.png</p>\n<p>http://i68.tinypic.com/6se2c4.png</p>\n<p>http://i68.tinypic.com/241tso1.png</p>\n<p><em>I'm glad he could find my message oddly comforting. Honestly, things ended the best way they could've.<br />\n</em> </p>\n<p>The day after I found out he died, yesterday, I remembered when he came over to my house on Christmas and gave me a plush Spongebob because we used to watch so much of it together. I had completely forgotten. He never seemed too sentimental but that was so incredibly sweet and thoughtful coming from him. That was the first time I really realized that he’s dead. I cried at my desk at work. I never thought I would cry over that boy again. </p>\n<p>He was a strange, conflicted, complex person. That's the slice of him I saw. I've never met anyone like him before and the impact he had on my life is just as unique as he was. I think the best way to honor a person's life is to see them as the person they were, not try to glorify or demonize them in any way, this is who he was in my life. He always did appreciate my honesty.</p>\n<p>It’s so surreal to me that this person who occupied so much of my life at one point, is actually gone. I'm the most sad because I saw so much potential in him. I saw a light. I hoped he'd find true happiness and make the world a better place. I hoped he thrive. It’s tragic that his potential… is just gone. It breaks my heart. I bet he didn’t even think I would care this much. </p>\n<p>I hope he's finally found peace and I really fucking hope he's escaped the Triangle. </p>\n<p>Rest in peace, Blake. Thank you for existing.   </p>\n<p>http://i63.tinypic.com/6p1d0w.jpg</p>\n<p><em>Terrible quality screenshot of a video we took in 2012. It was rare to have pictures of him smiling.</em></p>\n<p><br /></p>",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"suicide\",\"ex\",\"death\",\"life\",\"hippie\"],\"image\":[\"http://i68.tinypic.com/2yy1pw1.jpg\",\"http://i66.tinypic.com/wlqd0l.png\",\"http://i66.tinypic.com/s31ugj.png\",\"http://i68.tinypic.com/6se2c4.png\",\"http://i68.tinypic.com/241tso1.png\",\"http://i63.tinypic.com/6p1d0w.jpg\"]}",
      "parent_author": "",
      "parent_permlink": "suicide",
      "permlink": "my-ex-boyfriend-is-dead",
      "title": "My Ex-Boyfriend Is Dead."
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-09T23:38:39",
  "trx_id": "942466388dc7e83205dc6cd22dbe0862af2ac8b1",
  "trx_in_block": 4,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3757716,
  "op": [
    "author_reward",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "does-your-life-feel-meaningless-do-you-love-yourself",
      "sbd_payout": "0.009 SBD",
      "steem_payout": "0.000 STEEM",
      "vesting_payout": "19.476841 VESTS"
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-03T10:55:00",
  "trx_id": "0000000000000000000000000000000000000000",
  "trx_in_block": 4294967295,
  "virtual_op": 3
}

{
  "block": 3757716,
  "op": [
    "interest",
    {
      "interest": "0.006 SBD",
      "owner": "sarahmegabubble"
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-03T10:55:00",
  "trx_id": "0000000000000000000000000000000000000000",
  "trx_in_block": 4294967295,
  "virtual_op": 2
}

{
  "block": 3756173,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "does-your-life-feel-meaningless-do-you-love-yourself",
      "voter": "carlgetalada",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-03T09:37:30",
  "trx_id": "6bd485b39862e789df853d496f93f28a5a550b5e",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3744321,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "does-your-life-feel-meaningless-do-you-love-yourself",
      "voter": "clonewarz",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-02T23:43:48",
  "trx_id": "e96e6bd4b7cecac37465734549de094c6db05f01",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3744086,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "does-your-life-feel-meaningless-do-you-love-yourself",
      "voter": "fbilal1",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-02T23:32:00",
  "trx_id": "2a201bf2514f4dfa9cce69d27a2fc6c318923420",
  "trx_in_block": 3,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3743889,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "does-your-life-feel-meaningless-do-you-love-yourself",
      "voter": "lykkeliten",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-02T23:22:09",
  "trx_id": "692b022a47e262bc1315034d98b18da8c3894e28",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3743507,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "does-your-life-feel-meaningless-do-you-love-yourself",
      "voter": "dasha",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-02T23:03:00",
  "trx_id": "775c9f4734481283bc45966f078a9870d4b7a678",
  "trx_in_block": 3,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3743024,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "does-your-life-feel-meaningless-do-you-love-yourself",
      "voter": "steemit-life",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-02T22:38:51",
  "trx_id": "7a24544bbb641562e48d7381fb726eb5b5f56e53",
  "trx_in_block": 2,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3742932,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "does-your-life-feel-meaningless-do-you-love-yourself",
      "voter": "syadastinasti",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-02T22:34:15",
  "trx_id": "4b56c27f007206ffbd84b519f75e5e130c9d32c4",
  "trx_in_block": 5,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3742875,
  "op": [
    "vote",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "permlink": "does-your-life-feel-meaningless-do-you-love-yourself",
      "voter": "cire81",
      "weight": 10000
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-02T22:31:24",
  "trx_id": "8b16a0aba3df8c4025c2558f2dca2c1ca958464e",
  "trx_in_block": 2,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3742853,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "backetri",
      "body": "Keep up the great work @sarahmegabubble \n Upvoted ",
      "json_metadata": "",
      "parent_author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "parent_permlink": "does-your-life-feel-meaningless-do-you-love-yourself",
      "permlink": "does-your-life-feel-meaningless-do-you-love-yourself",
      "title": ""
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-02T22:30:18",
  "trx_id": "a4f7d54f054a35e618a7dd92813fe04952af96d6",
  "trx_in_block": 0,
  "virtual_op": 0
}

{
  "block": 3742840,
  "op": [
    "comment",
    {
      "author": "sarahmegabubble",
      "body": "@@ -1,12 +1,47 @@\n+http://i63.tinypic.com/sp7s06.jpg%0A%0A\n %3Cp%3EDoes your\n",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"psychology\",\"inspiration\",\"freedom\",\"happiness\",\"meaninglessness\"]}",
      "parent_author": "",
      "parent_permlink": "psychology",
      "permlink": "does-your-life-feel-meaningless-do-you-love-yourself",
      "title": "Does Your Life Feel Meaningless? Do You Love Yourself?"
    }
  ],
  "op_in_trx": 0,
  "timestamp": "2016-08-02T22:29:39",
  "trx_id": "653b65476524ba79af09be39a78ef99881664154",
  "trx_in_block": 1,
  "virtual_op": 0
}