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      "body": "ORGASMS-SPIRITUAL AND PHYSICAL\nThis weeks snippet from my upcoming book The Death and Life of Psycho Syd takes us back to 2013 when I was very sick recovering from the harrowing cancer treatment. I was given only a 20% chance of surviving 5 years! On top of this I had discovered my wife was having an affair. I tried to find refuge at the local Buddhist Meditation Centre.\n\nENJOY XX\n\nI understood that the pictures in my brain were just like clouds passing across a clear blue sky. They were impermanent. However, the floating visions of my wife with her new man while I was slowly dying of cancer were just too much to stomach as the rain fell from my sky blue eyes. I attempted to just focus on my breath entering and leaving my nostrils but after only one or 2 breaths the picture of the Wicked Witch copulating with her new fit and super healthy boyfriend just smashed up any possible short-lived relief from this relentless bad trip.\n\nI religiously perused a mishmash of spiritual books in a mad last ditch effort to flee this present day lousy dream. I flipped each page praying that the elusive escape route would be discovered in the very next paragraph. They call me the seeker. I've been searching low and high. I hope to get what I'm after before the day I die.\n\nMy freaked out agonising mind movies were still driving me up the wall and up the bloody tree so in desperation I arrived at the door of the local Buddhist Centre for a meditation class. I had used everything to fight the bastard cancer and now it was paramount that I waged war with the identical urgent life or death mentality in this conflict with my unhinged tormenting mind. Will I glimpse the truth before it is far too late?\n\nI sat with 7 other utopia seekers in a white room before a massive golden Buddha. I wondered if any of the other chasers of wisdom and salvation were ill and heartbroken with a screw loose just like me. A smiling rotund man with cropped hair and glasses draped in red and orange robes breezed in and sat elevated before us. He reminded me of one of those fat beaming Chinese Buddha idols that I had frequently spotted in Far Eastern markets. Would he be the spiritual guide to show me the light and illuminate the path to happiness?\n\nTo start there would be a 30 minute meditation session to help us still the mind so we could reside in a place of peace and calm. Yes, that is the refuge I am searching for. We were instructed to sit comfortably, to close our eyes and focus on the breath entering and leaving our nostrils as we listened to his guided meditation.\n\nI followed his kindly southern English accented delivery as he spoke softly continually counselling us to concentrate on the breath. I found it nigh impossible to focus as thoughts and visions of my wife with her new partner kept jumping into my bloody brain and stabbing my soul. I returned to the breath ad nauseam but before you could chant 'Nirvana here I come' a picture of my wife shagging her new boyfriend, an image of my dear departed mum, a vision of my death from cancer, a replica of my house overseas or a mind movie of my poor kids after my death would scream into my very unstill mind. I just couldn't remain present as regrets and painful recollections from days gone by and fears of possible future occurrences repeatedly dragged me away from the right here right now. After an eternity a bell chimed and I slowly opened my eyes and mind to the shiny golden Buddha and a serene smiling Buddhist monk.\n\nI waited eagerly for the spiritual guidance that would unlock my self imposed mental prison cell allowing escape from this place of suffering. Wang Chuck the monk began by recalling a German TV programme he had viewed many years ago. In the programme a hypnotist invited 6 males and 6 females to join him on stage. He then put them under his spell and explained that when he touched them on their shoulder they would have an intense explosive orgasm. Hold on a minute! What the fuck is going on? A Buddhist monk teaching about orgasms! He continued and revealed that when the hypnotist subsequently tapped their shoulders they would moan and groan in joyous ecstasy. Shit, I am at this class to let go of any visions of past moments of rapture and clear my head of the black thunder clouds drifting across my mind booming that future orgasms seem highly unlikely unless I decide to become a Manchester United fan and use my right hand! As well as fighting to rid my crazy tree of the shocking flashes of lightning highlighting my wife and her new bloke having sexual pleasure together. I had made a disastrous blunder in reflecting that this could be my Shangri La light years away from Planet Pain and Woe. It was just making the nightmare a lot bloody worse.\n\nWell, maybe he wasn't a sex starved mad monk when all said and done because he went on to point out that it is all in the mind; you don’t need the external world to taste ecstasy and that the pure tranquil feelings gained from deep meditation are one zillion times more powerful and satisfying than a sexual orgasm. Wow, I’m off on my bliss trip to meditate now and when they finally lay me to rest to join the spirit in the sky you can have the consolation of thinking about me living in the perfect state of Nirvana. You can stick your physical orgasms up your arse! Now there’s a thought!\n\nAnother bit of useless info is that pig orgasms last up to 30 minutes. According to a quote from the “Queensland Government Primary Industries and Fisheries”, pig ejaculation certainly does last a long time relative to human ejaculation, and pig ejaculation is measured in minutes, not seconds. The largest estimate is 15 minutes, then add a possible second ejaculation of 15 minutes, that might be where the 30 minute number came from. Of course it depends on the pig!\nTherefore if I don’t attain the blissful orgasmic state of Nirvana or fail to build up enough positive karma to return as a human being, I will be reincarnated as a pig. I will at least be able to enjoy lengthy periods of ecstatic frenzied long lasting physical elation with my corkscrew shaped knob before ending up as bacon on some fat bastard's butty.\n\nA further 10 minutes meditation, where I struggled to stay present by focusing on the breath, before tea and biscuits in the comfy Buddhist centre lounge. The Nirvana seekers were a lovely heart shaped box assortment full of love and peace. We chatted about all things spiritual until the topic eventually turned to music. I asked Wang Chuck what his favourite song was. The holy one replied, \"Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen\"! I spluttered into my cup of spearmint herbal tea as I retorted, \"My goodness you are a celibate monk. I was expecting a tune such as; Like a Virgin by Madonna.\" Everyone laughed including the monk. Good to see I haven't lost my sense of humour and repartee skills during these dark grim days.\n\nOnly 12 copies from the exclusive signed and numbered limited edition of 250 remain.\n![ScienceandAsexFeature.png](https://steemitimages.com/DQmVFX1gV7kGE6zdEj1GjjHFeb2tBj6J8jKveX9AumYViSX/ScienceandAsexFeature.png)\nPre-order yours at www.thedeathandlifeofpsychosyd.com",
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      "body": "THE SPIDERS FROM MARS\n\n My first true story from the Crazy life of Psycho Syd is my spider tale. Laos is the habitat of the largest huntsman spider in the world; the size of a dinner plate with a 12 inch leg span and was discovered in 2001. It is known as a huntsman cos it doesn't build webs; it runs after or ambushes it's prey, killing it with venom or strong mouthparts. The female is extremely aggressive and can give a very nasty painful bite as she injects her venom. Bloody hell it reminds me of the ex Mrs! They were prevalent in the caves I used to explore in the khamouane district where I used to be employed on a hydro-power project, although I luckily never met one of these angry big bastards. I do recall meeting two German spider buffs who were detained by the village chief for prowling around at night. They didn’t speak the local lingo so they couldn’t explain that they were only searching for the Giant Huntsman.\n\nIn 2003 I was living in Vientiane in a beautiful traditional detached Lao house with a huge tropical garden with palm trees and exotic plants. It only cost about £140 a month! You would be lucky to get a shit 2 up 2 down terrace house in Blackpool for a blooming week for that amount of wonga. In the dining room on the walls and in the corners lived many massive spiders the size of one’s hand. Big buggers to say the least! In fact in Laos spiders are known as Maang Mumm which means corner insect. Now, you know something you didn’t know before. The live in maid used to hit them with a brick and chuck their squashed bodies into the garden. I am not the biggest spider fan and am in fact extremely wary of these 8 legged creatures and would throw a fit if ever one came anywhere near me. However, the compassionate side of me felt pity for their cruel squashings sending them to an untimely death and off to Spider heaven wherever that may be. So, I ordered the maid to leave them alone and not kill anymore. She looked at me with confusion and must have thought, “Crazy falang (Westerner) “but she didn’t murder them from that point because she was on a good number. She had food and her own room, a high salary and didn’t have a heavy workload, had lots of free time and I treated her with kindness and respect and didn’t even knock on her bedroom door asking for a leg-over on the occasions I would stagger home pissed. Soon, the dining room was like a scene from the movie Arachnophobia; we were infested with the hairy long legged monsters living in harmony until one fateful day. \n\nNow my good mate I am going to sing you a song. “Early one morning just as the sun was rising; I put my shoes, trousers, shirt and tie on, and rode my bike to work”. Right singing stopped. I got dressed and rode my Chinese motorbike for the 15 minute journey to the 21st Century School for my morning class. I parked my cheap two wheeled contraption and got one of the biggest shocks of my whole life. One of the most enormous multi-legged beasts my eyes had ever had the horror of gazing upon was covering my crotch. I froze like a statue in a long forgotten childhood game worried that this evil monster was about to sink her fangs into my cock and inject her painful venom. One plus point would be that if this painful event occurred it would swell my member to at least double its only average size giving me the pleasure of drinking in the smiles and admiration of any future conquests during the next couple of weeks. However, I decided to give this opportunity for a larger knob a miss opting to rely on my Mancunian charm and wit to impress the black widow like more deadly sex of the species instead.. So, I gingerly took a cigarette packet out of my shirt pocket afraid any sudden movement would inflict a painful bite or God forbid have this hairy bastard running down the outside of my trousers and up the inside of my trouser leg. I almost shuddered at the thought but I was a statue, remember. With one swift movement I flicked this beast onto the grass near my trembling feet. \n\nWhen I eventually got to my second floor classroom still shaking from head to balls to toe I looked at the huge fearless swine on the grass confidently making its way to a tree which I presume it was going to scale and wait for some poor stranded cat to scoff or a UFO to transport it back to Mars to reunite with Ziggy Stardust. Then, I had a chilling thought. That massive arachnid must have been on the back of my new blue and white shirt which was left overnight on a chair in the dining room. I must have ridden that motorbike through the traffic to work! “What ifs” suddenly started racing around my already shaking shell-shocked skull. What if it had run down my arm or Hell's Bells inside my shirt collar while I was speeding to work? I would have been shocked to death and probably squashed under a bus or lorry, but my friend it wasn’t me who did the squashing so karma allowed me to live another day to make the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end recounting this spine-tingling tale. ![11713_148103088874379_973432936844525742_n.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmUA61FhZBgeN2BxHbjwJRVKk4SEnw6ob3XZSJfy5xMrC8/11713_148103088874379_973432936844525742_n.jpg)\n\nOnce home I made the maid clear the house of spiders and not to kill them while I went to the pub to get bladdered and obliterate that terrifying memory from my tree and enable me to get some sleep that evening without imagining that one of the massive evil bastards was in my bedroom hungrily making its way to my manhood. You will be relieved to know that house was usually spider free for the remainder of the time I resided there\nwww.thedeathandlifeofpsychosyd.com",
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      "body": "PSYCHO SYD'S FIRST BLIND DATE IN 2013 AFTER HE WAS LEFT ALONE FIGHTING CANCER. WARNING SOME SEXUAL STUFF-DON'T READ IF YOU ARE PRUDISH!\n\nThe last thing on my normally one track mind was a romantic date for starters, a bit of slap and tickle for the main course followed by a peck on the cheek and goodbye for dessert. However, I was buzzing at the prospect of having a bit of banter and a laugh with this scouse crossword fanatic. Although, I had not got a clue whether I would pluck up the courage to meet her in the flesh.\n\nI eventually grew a pair of sphericals and boldly agreed to come together with this long-haired lover from Liverpool for a pub lunch and a short and sweet saunter along the beach. I was only too aware that the female of the species is more deadly than the male but the reckless daredevil in me provided the spunky bravado to escape my 4 walls and make contact with this potential black widow.\n\nWe arranged to rub eyeballs one Saturday afternoon after Eugene had kindly volunteered to take care of Jo. I looked almost presentable in my faded blue jeans, black tee shirt, trainers and olive green army jacket. I didn’t have a bunch of flowers, a packet of ribbed condoms or a victory V because love and lust were the last things on my broken-hearted mind. I don’t have no time for no monkey business. I was still yelping from the Wicked One’s abuse so no fair-maiden was permitted anywhere near my heart or any other bits of my anatomy thank you very much. I should be so lucky! Although you never know; some girls may have a fetish for death warmed up monsters!\n\nMy bag of bones wasn’t a bag of nerves as I cruised to The Wirral near Liverpool for this mysterious rendezvous. I sang along to tunes by Merseyside bands such as: The La’s, Echo and the Bunnymen, The Zutons and The Teardrop Explodes. I was a cool beatnik full of pep as I drove up to the meeting place to eyeball my blind date. Bet she will be wishing she was blind once she takes just one peep at my unsightly look of death.\n\nWhen we laid eyes on each other it was instant attraction; love and lust at first ogle. The chemistry was pure Goldilocks; just right! Time to experiment! Well the red horny devil smiled in triumph at the conquered white celibate angel. Shit, I should have brought the flowers and condoms after all. We held hands and ambled to her 2 up 2 down terrace house just 5 minutes away for a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Are friends electric?\n\nWhile I was sipping the caffeine and inhaling the nicotine my lusty libido was burning with the hots! The heat is on and my sex is on fire. I gazed into her smoky eyes and speculated, “You will you won’t. You do you don’t. You may you might.” I didn’t have long to ponder because her lips like sugar pressed against my eager mouth. She clutched my hot-blooded hand and escorted me upstairs as my craving eyeballs were focused on her sexy derriere in skin tight black jeans. Wow, there she goes! I licked my sugar coated northern monkey lips as I eagerly followed ready and willing to accept my reward.\n\nI am not going into the full graphic details and supply you all the ‘ins and outs’ of this passionate encounter but I am sure you can close your eyes and imagine. No naughty self-pleasing though coz you have this book to finish.\n\nTo cut a long story short we entered her clean cosy boudoir and made passionate lust for 30 minutes. Afterwards she gazed into my sleepy eyes and softly smiled, “That was amazing Syd.”\n\nI winked cockily and bragged, “Believe it or not I am even better the second time around.”\nHer eyes widened with hero worship as she gleefully squealed “really?”\n\nI grinned and replied, “Yes but I need a 20-minute nap first and while I am having 40 winks you must hold onto my naughty bits and never let go. Is that OK?”\n\nShe seemed puzzled but happily agreed. After the short snooze, I was revived and up for the repeat performance to conclude the double-whammy. When the encore came to an end, she purred, “\n\nThat was magnificent. Even better than the first time. One thing confuses me though; why did you ask me to hold your private parts while you were sleeping?\n\nI smiled as I informed her, “Oh that is because the last time I slept with a Liverpool girl she stole my wallet.”\n\nHahaha. I bet I had you going, there, didn’t I? It is just one of my off the wall jokes. I apologise for being a naughty fibber. Merely my warped sense of humour. I blame it on the chemotherapy. I better let the pussy out of the bag and give you the low down on what really took place that cloudy day in Merseyside before you fling the book in the rubbish bin.\n\nThis is the honest to God’s truth. Cross my heart and hope to die. I parked my car and saw her standing there. Shock, shock, horror, horror, shock, shock. What in tarnation? I wasn’t expecting movie stars and swimming pools but she was a dead ringer for Grandma out of the Beverley Hill Billies. In all honesty, she was younger than me and just a normal woman in her forties. The naked truth was that my Peter Pan lifestyle in south-east Asia being eternally surrounded by beautiful young Tinkerbells and Wendy Darlings had distorted reality. Welcome back to the real-world Psycho Syd.\n\nViewing the event from her perspective, her grey matter must have screamed, “Good Lord! It is the ‘visitor from the grave’ straight out of the Hammer House of Horror! She was more than likely thinking, “Frankenstein and Dracula have nothing on you. Jekyll and Hyde join the back of the queue.\"\n\nIn any case, love and lust weren’t on my list of tasks to accomplish today and I was cocksure that they weren’t on hers either. I was here to escape the daily grind!\n\nWe popped into a local pub and plopped our bums down on a wooden bench in the empty beer garden as we regurgitated tales of heartbreak, betrayal and loss, blow by blow. Her ex was a cheating pisshead and mine was a cheating fucking bastard as you already know. I slurped a vegan soup as she masticated on a hot dog. A short while later we dilly-dallied along the beach chirping away like two broken-hearted love birds. 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I put the pedal to the metal and burnt rubber back to my 4 walls.\n\nOn reflection, a satisfying time was had and it was gratifyingly enjoyable partaking in a spot of friendly chit-chat with this lovely lady. In all fairness, her unforeseen jaw-dropping remark regarding sex may well have been just that; a comment and not a flirtatious nudge for me to drop my ball-hugging black jeans for a period of wham bam thank you mam. Perhaps my once bitten twice shy state of mind is making me paranoid!\n\nThree weeks later a letter arrived regarding that day in Mickey Mouse (Scouse) land. It wasn’t a love letter but a document putting me in the picture that a speed camera had snapped me driving over the speed limit in Liverpool. I had my naughty cheeky arse smacked as karma whipped up a bored shitless day at a speed awareness course.\n![20161015_135943.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmU17vt6qT3HMRgrwmwmyCqqrYnJKDhERt8nsVStHgBdPh/20161015_135943.jpg)\nwww.thedeathandlifeofpsychosyd.com",
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      "body": "PSYCHO SYD'S FIRST BLIND DATE IN 2013 AFTER HE WAS LEFT ALONE FIGHTING CANCER. WARNING SOME SEXUAL STUFF-DON'T READ IF YOU ARE PRUDISH!\n\nThe last thing on my normally one track mind was a romantic date for starters, a bit of slap and tickle for the main course followed by a peck on the cheek and goodbye for dessert. However, I was buzzing at the prospect of having a bit of banter and a laugh with this scouse crossword fanatic. Although, I had not got a clue whether I would pluck up the courage to meet her in the flesh.\n\nI eventually grew a pair of sphericals and boldly agreed to come together with this long-haired lover from Liverpool for a pub lunch and a short and sweet saunter along the beach. I was only too aware that the female of the species is more deadly than the male but the reckless daredevil in me provided the spunky bravado to escape my 4 walls and make contact with this potential black widow.\n\nWe arranged to rub eyeballs one Saturday afternoon after Eugene had kindly volunteered to take care of Jo. I looked almost presentable in my faded blue jeans, black tee shirt, trainers and olive green army jacket. I didn’t have a bunch of flowers, a packet of ribbed condoms or a victory V because love and lust were the last things on my broken-hearted mind. I don’t have no time for no monkey business. I was still yelping from the Wicked One’s abuse so no fair-maiden was permitted anywhere near my heart or any other bits of my anatomy thank you very much. I should be so lucky! Although you never know; some girls may have a fetish for death warmed up monsters!\n\nMy bag of bones wasn’t a bag of nerves as I cruised to The Wirral near Liverpool for this mysterious rendezvous. I sang along to tunes by Merseyside bands such as: The La’s, Echo and the Bunnymen, The Zutons and The Teardrop Explodes. I was a cool beatnik full of pep as I drove up to the meeting place to eyeball my blind date. Bet she will be wishing she was blind once she takes just one peep at my unsightly look of death.\n\nWhen we laid eyes on each other it was instant attraction; love and lust at first ogle. The chemistry was pure Goldilocks; just right! Time to experiment! Well the red horny devil smiled in triumph at the conquered white celibate angel. Shit, I should have brought the flowers and condoms after all. We held hands and ambled to her 2 up 2 down terrace house just 5 minutes away for a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Are friends electric?\n\nWhile I was sipping the caffeine and inhaling the nicotine my lusty libido was burning with the hots! The heat is on and my sex is on fire. I gazed into her smoky eyes and speculated, “You will you won’t. You do you don’t. You may you might.” I didn’t have long to ponder because her lips like sugar pressed against my eager mouth. She clutched my hot-blooded hand and escorted me upstairs as my craving eyeballs were focused on her sexy derriere in skin tight black jeans. Wow, there she goes! I licked my sugar coated northern monkey lips as I eagerly followed ready and willing to accept my reward.\n\nI am not going into the full graphic details and supply you all the ‘ins and outs’ of this passionate encounter but I am sure you can close your eyes and imagine. No naughty self-pleasing though coz you have this book to finish.\n\nTo cut a long story short we entered her clean cosy boudoir and made passionate lust for 30 minutes. Afterwards she gazed into my sleepy eyes and softly smiled, “That was amazing Syd.”\n\nI winked cockily and bragged, “Believe it or not I am even better the second time around.”\nHer eyes widened with hero worship as she gleefully squealed “really?”\n\nI grinned and replied, “Yes but I need a 20-minute nap first and while I am having 40 winks you must hold onto my naughty bits and never let go. Is that OK?”\n\nShe seemed puzzled but happily agreed. After the short snooze, I was revived and up for the repeat performance to conclude the double-whammy. When the encore came to an end, she purred, “\n\nThat was magnificent. Even better than the first time. One thing confuses me though; why did you ask me to hold your private parts while you were sleeping?\n\nI smiled as I informed her, “Oh that is because the last time I slept with a Liverpool girl she stole my wallet.”\n\nHahaha. I bet I had you going, there, didn’t I? It is just one of my off the wall jokes. I apologise for being a naughty fibber. Merely my warped sense of humour. I blame it on the chemotherapy. I better let the pussy out of the bag and give you the low down on what really took place that cloudy day in Merseyside before you fling the book in the rubbish bin.\n\nThis is the honest to God’s truth. Cross my heart and hope to die. I parked my car and saw her standing there. Shock, shock, horror, horror, shock, shock. What in tarnation? I wasn’t expecting movie stars and swimming pools but she was a dead ringer for Grandma out of the Beverley Hill Billies. In all honesty, she was younger than me and just a normal woman in her forties. The naked truth was that my Peter Pan lifestyle in south-east Asia being eternally surrounded by beautiful young Tinkerbells and Wendy Darlings had distorted reality. Welcome back to the real-world Psycho Syd.\n\nViewing the event from her perspective, her grey matter must have screamed, “Good Lord! It is the ‘visitor from the grave’ straight out of the Hammer House of Horror! She was more than likely thinking, “Frankenstein and Dracula have nothing on you. Jekyll and Hyde join the back of the queue.\"\n\nIn any case, love and lust weren’t on my list of tasks to accomplish today and I was cocksure that they weren’t on hers either. I was here to escape the daily grind!\n\nWe popped into a local pub and plopped our bums down on a wooden bench in the empty beer garden as we regurgitated tales of heartbreak, betrayal and loss, blow by blow. Her ex was a cheating pisshead and mine was a cheating fucking bastard as you already know. I slurped a vegan soup as she masticated on a hot dog. A short while later we dilly-dallied along the beach chirping away like two broken-hearted love birds. 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      "body": "PSYCHO SYD'S FIRST BLIND DATE IN 2013 AFTER HE WAS LEFT ALONE FIGHTING CANCER. WARNING SOME SEXUAL STUFF-DON'T READ IF YOU ARE PRUDISH!\n\nThe last thing on my normally one track mind was a romantic date for starters, a bit of slap and tickle for the main course followed by a peck on the cheek and goodbye for dessert. However, I was buzzing at the prospect of having a bit of banter and a laugh with this scouse crossword fanatic. Although, I had not got a clue whether I would pluck up the courage to meet her in the flesh.\n\nI eventually grew a pair of sphericals and boldly agreed to come together with this long-haired lover from Liverpool for a pub lunch and a short and sweet saunter along the beach. I was only too aware that the female of the species is more deadly than the male but the reckless daredevil in me provided the spunky bravado to escape my 4 walls and make contact with this potential black widow.\n\nWe arranged to rub eyeballs one Saturday afternoon after Eugene had kindly volunteered to take care of Jo. I looked almost presentable in my faded blue jeans, black tee shirt, trainers and olive green army jacket. I didn’t have a bunch of flowers, a packet of ribbed condoms or a victory V because love and lust were the last things on my broken-hearted mind. I don’t have no time for no monkey business. I was still yelping from the Wicked One’s abuse so no fair-maiden was permitted anywhere near my heart or any other bits of my anatomy thank you very much. I should be so lucky! Although you never know; some girls may have a fetish for death warmed up monsters!\n\nMy bag of bones wasn’t a bag of nerves as I cruised to The Wirral near Liverpool for this mysterious rendezvous. I sang along to tunes by Merseyside bands such as: The La’s, Echo and the Bunnymen, The Zutons and The Teardrop Explodes. I was a cool beatnik full of pep as I drove up to the meeting place to eyeball my blind date. Bet she will be wishing she was blind once she takes just one peep at my unsightly look of death.\n\nWhen we laid eyes on each other it was instant attraction; love and lust at first ogle. The chemistry was pure Goldilocks; just right! Time to experiment! Well the red horny devil smiled in triumph at the conquered white celibate angel. Shit, I should have brought the flowers and condoms after all. We held hands and ambled to her 2 up 2 down terrace house just 5 minutes away for a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Are friends electric?\n\nWhile I was sipping the caffeine and inhaling the nicotine my lusty libido was burning with the hots! The heat is on and my sex is on fire. I gazed into her smoky eyes and speculated, “You will you won’t. You do you don’t. You may you might.” I didn’t have long to ponder because her lips like sugar pressed against my eager mouth. She clutched my hot-blooded hand and escorted me upstairs as my craving eyeballs were focused on her sexy derriere in skin tight black jeans. Wow, there she goes! I licked my sugar coated northern monkey lips as I eagerly followed ready and willing to accept my reward.\n\nI am not going into the full graphic details and supply you all the ‘ins and outs’ of this passionate encounter but I am sure you can close your eyes and imagine. No naughty self-pleasing though coz you have this book to finish.\n\nTo cut a long story short we entered her clean cosy boudoir and made passionate lust for 30 minutes. Afterwards she gazed into my sleepy eyes and softly smiled, “That was amazing Syd.”\n\nI winked cockily and bragged, “Believe it or not I am even better the second time around.”\nHer eyes widened with hero worship as she gleefully squealed “really?”\n\nI grinned and replied, “Yes but I need a 20-minute nap first and while I am having 40 winks you must hold onto my naughty bits and never let go. Is that OK?”\n\nShe seemed puzzled but happily agreed. After the short snooze, I was revived and up for the repeat performance to conclude the double-whammy. When the encore came to an end, she purred, “\n\nThat was magnificent. Even better than the first time. One thing confuses me though; why did you ask me to hold your private parts while you were sleeping?\n\nI smiled as I informed her, “Oh that is because the last time I slept with a Liverpool girl she stole my wallet.”\n\nHahaha. I bet I had you going, there, didn’t I? It is just one of my off the wall jokes. I apologise for being a naughty fibber. Merely my warped sense of humour. I blame it on the chemotherapy. I better let the pussy out of the bag and give you the low down on what really took place that cloudy day in Merseyside before you fling the book in the rubbish bin.\n\nThis is the honest to God’s truth. Cross my heart and hope to die. I parked my car and saw her standing there. Shock, shock, horror, horror, shock, shock. What in tarnation? I wasn’t expecting movie stars and swimming pools but she was a dead ringer for Grandma out of the Beverley Hill Billies. In all honesty, she was younger than me and just a normal woman in her forties. The naked truth was that my Peter Pan lifestyle in south-east Asia being eternally surrounded by beautiful young Tinkerbells and Wendy Darlings had distorted reality. Welcome back to the real-world Psycho Syd.\n\nViewing the event from her perspective, her grey matter must have screamed, “Good Lord! 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      "body": "Welcome Syd, glad to see you made it brother. I wish you lots of success here on Steemit. All the best and vegan hugs your way - cheers",
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      "body": "PSYCHO SYD'S FIRST BLIND DATE IN 2013 AFTER HE WAS LEFT ALONE FIGHTING CANCER. WARNING SOME SEXUAL STUFF-DON'T READ IF YOU ARE PRUDISH!\n\nThe last thing on my normally one track mind was a romantic date for starters, a bit of slap and tickle for the main course followed by a peck on the cheek and goodbye for dessert. However, I was buzzing at the prospect of having a bit of banter and a laugh with this scouse crossword fanatic. Although, I had not got a clue whether I would pluck up the courage to meet her in the flesh.\n\nI eventually grew a pair of sphericals and boldly agreed to come together with this long-haired lover from Liverpool for a pub lunch and a short and sweet saunter along the beach. I was only too aware that the female of the species is more deadly than the male but the reckless daredevil in me provided the spunky bravado to escape my 4 walls and make contact with this potential black widow.\n\nWe arranged to rub eyeballs one Saturday afternoon after Eugene had kindly volunteered to take care of Jo. I looked almost presentable in my faded blue jeans, black tee shirt, trainers and olive green army jacket. I didn’t have a bunch of flowers, a packet of ribbed condoms or a victory V because love and lust were the last things on my broken-hearted mind. I don’t have no time for no monkey business. I was still yelping from the Wicked One’s abuse so no fair-maiden was permitted anywhere near my heart or any other bits of my anatomy thank you very much. I should be so lucky! Although you never know; some girls may have a fetish for death warmed up monsters!\n\nMy bag of bones wasn’t a bag of nerves as I cruised to The Wirral near Liverpool for this mysterious rendezvous. I sang along to tunes by Merseyside bands such as: The La’s, Echo and the Bunnymen, The Zutons and The Teardrop Explodes. I was a cool beatnik full of pep as I drove up to the meeting place to eyeball my blind date. Bet she will be wishing she was blind once she takes just one peep at my unsightly look of death.\n\nWhen we laid eyes on each other it was instant attraction; love and lust at first ogle. The chemistry was pure Goldilocks; just right! Time to experiment! Well the red horny devil smiled in triumph at the conquered white celibate angel. Shit, I should have brought the flowers and condoms after all. We held hands and ambled to her 2 up 2 down terrace house just 5 minutes away for a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Are friends electric?\n\nWhile I was sipping the caffeine and inhaling the nicotine my lusty libido was burning with the hots! The heat is on and my sex is on fire. I gazed into her smoky eyes and speculated, “You will you won’t. You do you don’t. You may you might.” I didn’t have long to ponder because her lips like sugar pressed against my eager mouth. She clutched my hot-blooded hand and escorted me upstairs as my craving eyeballs were focused on her sexy derriere in skin tight black jeans. Wow, there she goes! I licked my sugar coated northern monkey lips as I eagerly followed ready and willing to accept my reward.\n\nI am not going into the full graphic details and supply you all the ‘ins and outs’ of this passionate encounter but I am sure you can close your eyes and imagine. No naughty self-pleasing though coz you have this book to finish.\n\nTo cut a long story short we entered her clean cosy boudoir and made passionate lust for 30 minutes. Afterwards she gazed into my sleepy eyes and softly smiled, “That was amazing Syd.”\n\nI winked cockily and bragged, “Believe it or not I am even better the second time around.”\nHer eyes widened with hero worship as she gleefully squealed “really?”\n\nI grinned and replied, “Yes but I need a 20-minute nap first and while I am having 40 winks you must hold onto my naughty bits and never let go. Is that OK?”\n\nShe seemed puzzled but happily agreed. After the short snooze, I was revived and up for the repeat performance to conclude the double-whammy. When the encore came to an end, she purred, “\n\nThat was magnificent. Even better than the first time. One thing confuses me though; why did you ask me to hold your private parts while you were sleeping?\n\nI smiled as I informed her, “Oh that is because the last time I slept with a Liverpool girl she stole my wallet.”\n\nHahaha. I bet I had you going, there, didn’t I? It is just one of my off the wall jokes. I apologise for being a naughty fibber. Merely my warped sense of humour. I blame it on the chemotherapy. I better let the pussy out of the bag and give you the low down on what really took place that cloudy day in Merseyside before you fling the book in the rubbish bin.\n\nThis is the honest to God’s truth. Cross my heart and hope to die. I parked my car and saw her standing there. Shock, shock, horror, horror, shock, shock. What in tarnation? I wasn’t expecting movie stars and swimming pools but she was a dead ringer for Grandma out of the Beverley Hill Billies. In all honesty, she was younger than me and just a normal woman in her forties. The naked truth was that my Peter Pan lifestyle in south-east Asia being eternally surrounded by beautiful young Tinkerbells and Wendy Darlings had distorted reality. Welcome back to the real-world Psycho Syd.\n\nViewing the event from her perspective, her grey matter must have screamed, “Good Lord! It is the ‘visitor from the grave’ straight out of the Hammer House of Horror! She was more than likely thinking, “Frankenstein and Dracula have nothing on you. Jekyll and Hyde join the back of the queue.\"\n\nIn any case, love and lust weren’t on my list of tasks to accomplish today and I was cocksure that they weren’t on hers either. I was here to escape the daily grind!\n\nWe popped into a local pub and plopped our bums down on a wooden bench in the empty beer garden as we regurgitated tales of heartbreak, betrayal and loss, blow by blow. Her ex was a cheating pisshead and mine was a cheating fucking bastard as you already know. I slurped a vegan soup as she masticated on a hot dog. A short while later we dilly-dallied along the beach chirping away like two broken-hearted love birds. We gulped breaths of fresh healthy salty sea air between the drags of filthy unhealthy tar and nicotine.\n\nWe then diddle-daddled to her humble abode and dawdled in her back-yard choking on cancer sticks as we nattered away. Out of the sky blue her mouth ejaculated, \" Syd, one thing I do miss is sex.\" My jolted eyeballs almost jumped out of their sockets and I nearly shat myself too! I simply nodded and responded, \"Me too.\" Could it be that this liver bird has a kink about scary monsters, my unscrewed head sweated? I was scared stiff! Be that as it may I was not up for a slice of monster mash in this black widow’s boudoir. Under the circumstances, I made my excuses in a shot and got my busy blue arsed fly’s body out of her web and flew to the safety of my car with my tail between my legs.\n\nThank goodness, the wheels were still on my car; well Liverpool does have a reputation you know. I put the pedal to the metal and burnt rubber back to my 4 walls.\n\nOn reflection, a satisfying time was had and it was gratifyingly enjoyable partaking in a spot of friendly chit-chat with this lovely lady. In all fairness, her unforeseen jaw-dropping remark regarding sex may well have been just that; a comment and not a flirtatious nudge for me to drop my ball-hugging black jeans for a period of wham bam thank you mam. Perhaps my once bitten twice shy state of mind is making me paranoid!\n\nThree weeks later a letter arrived regarding that day in Mickey Mouse (Scouse) land. It wasn’t a love letter but a document putting me in the picture that a speed camera had snapped me driving over the speed limit in Liverpool. I had my naughty cheeky arse smacked as karma whipped up a bored shitless day at a speed awareness course.\n![20161015_135943.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmU17vt6qT3HMRgrwmwmyCqqrYnJKDhERt8nsVStHgBdPh/20161015_135943.jpg)\nwww.thedeathandlifeofpsychosyd.com",
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      "body": "The Death and Life of Psycho Syd\n\nRemember when you were young; you shone like the sun. Now there’s a look in your eye like black holes in the sky. CANCER.\n\nThe clinical nurse handed me the DS 1500 form so my benefit claim could be doled out immediately. My bulging eyeballs focused on the words TERMINAL ILLNESS before glancing back at the nurse. I whispered, “This means I’m gonna die.”\n\nShe held my quivering hand and compassionately responded, ” I am sorry but your tumour is very large and advanced.” I gazed in uncomfortably numb shock at the cream wall as the silence drowned the screams.\n\nJust a few months back I was sporting a deep golden tan, employed in the tropics as a Film Maker and right here right now I am as white as a ghost, on benefits with one foot in the grave.\n\nI had inoperable Stage 4 neck cancer. Three courses of mind bending chemotherapy to poison the tumour; After each of the first 2 courses I was admitted to an isolation ward for a week with my very own Zimmer frame. My bats in the belfry brain was alive to the fact that I was dying.\n\nThe oncologist informed me that no further chemo was possible. At least my final hours wouldn’t be in chemical La-la land before ending up as a stiff in a fridge in the morgue. Always look on the bright side of life.\n\nThe prognosis was 12 months to live. However, I could burn the tumour by going on the harrowing chemo radiotherapy trip that only had a 1 in 5 shout of working. More chance of Leicester City winning the premier league I laughed. Seems like death is the only thing I’ve got left to live for!\n\nTwo weeks of brain damaging ‘should I stay or should I go‘ deliberation before the madcap finally laughed and opted for 6 weeks of treatment at Preston Royal Inferno! At the end of ordeal I was a death warmed up burnt and blistered bag of bones sprawled on my sick sofa eight miles high on morphine pouring sickly yucky liquid into my peg tube to keep me alive.\n\nMy mum died to join my dad on the other side. Next my wife bent her mouth to my ear with her face twisted in anger and rage and screamed, “Ghostface hurry up and die.” She abandoned me and the kids aged 14 and 4. I was alone taking care of 2 young children while fighting for my life. You may be the loneliest person in the world but you’ll never be as lonely as me.\n\nIt’s not easy facing up when your whole world is black. With the help of a few close friends, the staff at the ENT department and The Swallows support group. I cut out all processed food and became a raw vegan drinking a rainbow of fruit and vegetable juices and also forced my broken body to exercise.\n\nNow it is August 2016. Just to prove that sunshine always follows thunder I am fit and healthy an![20161007_113525-1.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmbH9v45toPa9s6vxqqJG3e3W2VcRAw8jTqFz5TTkykw1F/20161007_113525-1.jpg)d have a tasty new female on my arm; my kids love her too. If someone would have told me a few years back I would be grinning like a Cheshire cat one day in the future I would have replied, “Not a moggy in hell’s chance.”\n\nShine on you crazy diamond.!\n\nCredit to Pink Floyd and The Pretty Things for a few of the words.",
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