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      "body": "Congratulations @mikevanegan! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@mikevanegan/birthday3.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 3 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@mikevanegan) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=mikevanegan)_</sub>\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "Congratulations @mikevanegan! You have received a personal award!\n\n[![](https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@mikevanegan/birthday1.png)](http://steemitboard.com/@mikevanegan) Happy Birthday - 1 Year\nClick on the badge to view your own Board of Honor on SteemitBoard.\n\nFor more information about this award, click [here](https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/steemitboard-update-8-happy-birthday)\n> By upvoting this notification, you can help all Steemit users. Learn how [here](https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/http-i-cubeupload-com-7ciqeo-png)!",
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      "body": "Hi! I am a content-detection robot. This post is to help manual curators; I have NOT flagged you.\nHere is similar content:\nhttp://shitasticbmoviereviews.blogspot.com/",
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      "body": "http://www.criticsremote.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Bloodsport-Wallpaper-1.jpg\n\nI dedicate this post to my Shidoshi.\n\nDux!  Dux my man!  Blood Sport is a true classic in every sense of the word.  It stars the legendary actor Frank Dux and is based upon the real life events of Jean-Claude Van Damme.  Jean-Claude Van Damme was the first American to ever win the Kumite.  The Kumite is an underground martial-arts tournament featuring the crème de la crème of martial-artists.  It is where the worlds best meet to test their metal and fight for the honor of being named, \"Champion\".   Jean-Claude was the best of these assholes.  His business was ass kicking, and business was good.\n\nJean-Claude started training Ninjitsu at a young age under the tutelage of Master Tanaka.  It is here that he learned the principles of honor, respect, and if someone gives you shit, you kick it down their throat.  Frank Dux does an amazing job of portraying this aspect of Jean-Claude in the early scenes of Bloodsport.  It is a privilege to see Frank Dux on screen portrayal of Van Damme's childhood, training, and to see him grow from a young punk into the superstar he is today.  Without Master Tanaka, you wouldn't have such blockbusters as Desert Heat, Legionnaire, Wake of Death, and Derailed.  For, it was Master Tanaka that taught him the art of acting.  And holy shit did he ever teach him well.\n\nSomething that you may find surprising about Van Damme is that, unlike most fighters, he is not the meat-head you would expect.  He is responsible for some of the greatest inventions of the 20th century.  For one:  Jean-Claude was the inventor of the pleated pant.\n\nhttp://3.bp.blogspot.com/_PJLsloPvrtA/TQvt3VRk4MI/AAAAAAAAAI4/k5szEmuyT9Y/s320/Van+Damme+pants.jpg\n\nHis sense of style is truly shocking.  It is completely unfair to woman everywhere.  If by some miracle Van Damme's pants didn't put the ladies on their backs, then arguably his most important contribution to society definitely will, Dancejitsu!\n\nhttps://youtu.be/CE8XKeN0zk4\n\nThe man has no bones!  How else could he move like that?\n\nAfter Frank Dux completes his training with Tanaka, he is awarded a ticket to the Kumite.  He vows to win the tournament in honor of his Shidoshi.  There is only one problem.  It seems that Dux's army superiors won't let him fight in the Kumite, so he goes AWOL and heads to Hong Kong anyways.  It is here that he meets his future best friend, Jackson.  Jackson is accepting challenges at arcade Kung Fu in some shitty hotel where the rooms are cheap and the pussy cheaper.  Dux accepts and stuns Jackson with his video game skills.  It was love at first sight.  It is also here where he meets some of his competition.  Some dip-shit reporter gets herself into hot water when she tries to question one of the fighters that ends up being a hardcore rapist.  When he tries to get into her tickle-trunk, Dux saves the day by putting foot to face.  This obviously impresses her and Dux eventually bangs her.\n\nWhen Dux shows up to the Kumite, the people in charge are not impressed with his skin colour (white).  They think he is some pussy undeserving of the right to fight in such an event.  Now he must prove himself worthy.  They set up some bricks for Dux to break and Dux tells them to pick one.  Jackson picks the top brick, but no one listens to him because he is a fucking idiot.  Dux must break the bottom brick.  After some breathing exercise shit, Dux gets shit done and impresses the shitheads running the Kumite.  Jackson breaks a brick on his ape skull and is also entered.  The fights are awesome.  Dux and Jackson plow through their competition, until Jackson has to go against Chong-Li.  Jackson nails him with a Kirk-esque two handed hammer and puts him down.  While \"yeah\"ing like a fucking moron, instead of stomping Chong-Li's face into mud, Chong-Li gets up and beats the living shit out of Jackson.  He is offended by Jackson's jogging pants and rightly so.  He stomps his head and puts him in the hospital.  Dux is really fucking pissed now.\n\nOn the way home, Dux eats some mushrooms and starts seeing Chong-Li in the window of the bus.  He is really hurt'n' so the reporter fucks him better.  When Dux wakes and heads to the Kumite, two yahoos from the army try to stop him.  He distracts them with wicked 80's music and leads them in a chase across Hong Kong.  They end up falling in the water and looking like complete assholes when it is all said and done.  Dux runs into more trouble when he gets to the Kumite.  The local police are also after him.  Dux gets one hell of  a warm-up by beating the shit out of the entire Hong Kong police force.  Their martial-arts skills are no match for Dux.\n\nDux makes it to the finals against Chong-Li where he displays his devastating triple-kick.\n\nhttp://3.bp.blogspot.com/_PJLsloPvrtA/TQvvpwUGmZI/AAAAAAAAAI8/XKHOm_Ys3Ww/s320/bolo.png\n\nHe beats the piss out of him, but Chong-Li throws baking soda in his eyes.  Now Dux can't see and Chong-Li fucks his shit up.  After some futile arm waving and screaming, Dux gets his shit together.  He meditates in the ring while Chong-Li sits back and plays with himself.  When Chong-Li eventually comes after him, Dux uses his superior mental skills and counters his every move, until he makes him say, \"Matte\".  This of course means, \"I give up\".  I matte writing any more of this review.",
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      "body": "http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_PJLsloPvrtA/TA8Izb2f_sI/AAAAAAAAAIQ/3gr2xQSeQZE/s320/Space+Truckers.jpg\n\nRedneck Fucks in outer space!\n\nThis is the movie you walked past in the video store a million times.  It always caught your eye, but the risk of it being complete shit was too high.  You pussied out then, because you are a big pussy, so don’t pussy out now.  You will never get over, or stop being a pussy, until you remedy the problem.  You must watch Space Truckers, or you could end up being a pussy for the rest of your pathetic life… Pussy!\n\nDennis Hopper stars, George Wendt dies early (thank fuck!), and Stephen Dorff holds his own.  You could match up Dennis Hopper with any old asshole and I would still say that the cast was out-fucking-standing!  He has done so many shitacular movies, I feel like I owe him head.  That is a debt that I will gladly renege on.  I assume he pounds twenty year old ass anyways.\n\nDennis Hopper is the go to guy when you need some shit trucked in space.  This guy is fucking good.  He may not be the cheapest, but if you want your shit busted up, hire some other asshole.  Hire a space Mexican.  He will guarantee that your shit is late and broke as fuck.  George Wendt doesn't want his shit broke as fuck, so he goes with Dennis Hopper.  Good choice, George.  What isn’t a good choice, is trying to fuck over the Den for Men.  George Wendt is a retard and tries to short pay Dennis Hopper.  Asshole!  Dennis, do you mind if I call you Big D?  Okay!  Big D will have none of Wendt’s bullshit and busts his goon in the mouth.  Wendt tucks his balls between his legs and scurries away.  But the fat fuck isn’t done yet!  When Big D is macking some young piece of ass, Wendt hijacks his load.  Now Big D is up shit creek without a paddle.  He is forced to take a high risk job hauling some super-secret-cargo-shit.  But not before Wendt compromises the space stations hull integrity, and he has his fat ass sucked through a window no bigger than a midgets fat fucking head.  Big D has also teamed up with Stephen Dorff and some young candy by this point.\n\nAfter Big D leaves the station and loses some pesky bears, his rig breaks down in the middle of but-fuck nowhere.  The outer space version of.  Shit couldn’t get any worse... until they start running out of oxygen.  Now they are fucked for sure.  Big D goes on a space walk to try and solve the problem.  During this time, that piece of shit Stephen Dorff tries to rail Big D’s woman.  He uses some lame-ass excuse about it being too hot.  Just so he can drop his drawers.  What a two faced fuck!\n\nJust as Big D is about to meet his maker, miracle shit happens.  Some space hick in a Peterbilt pulls up to Big D.  If it isn’t Will T. Riker!  Riker, looking all suave with his stellar beard, solves an impossible situation.  Just like he has countless times before.  Fuck yeah!  Now Riker and Big D are hauling loads together!  Obviously this makes it difficult to contain your shit.  You have just been mind fucked by your excitement.\n\nhttp://2.bp.blogspot.com/_PJLsloPvrtA/TA8HEagXkSI/AAAAAAAAAII/MGFnrWs25Mk/s400/RIKER.bmp\n\nObviously no one is dumb enough to fuck with a duo like Big D and Riker... except maybe one person.  Or many that operate as one.  You guessed it!  The Borg!  The Borg show up in the biggest, most powerfull, badass rig Riker or Big D have ever seen.  This beaver trap is decked out!  They show up shooting green shit and try to jack both loads.  Well, fuck that!  Neither Big D nor Riker has ever lost a load to space pirates and they aren’t about to start now.  They slam the pedal to the goddamn floorboards and try to outrun those cyborg fucks.  These guys can fucking drive!  But the Borg rig is too fast.  Riker CB‘s Big D and says, “That Harvey Wallbanger is at our back door.”  It disables Big D and Riker’s rig and then tracto beams their rigs into its own trailer.  How fucking cool is that!?\n\nIt looks like it’s all over for my boys.  They might as well surrender... Pfffff!  Do you have shit for brains!?  Big D throws on a meshback and torn wranglers.  Riker throws on a plaid button-up and He-Mans the sleeves off.  Then they both grab a tire iron with bad intentions.  They are going to show the Borg that no one fucks with Dixie.  No one!  They strut their way through the Borg rig smashing every tin fuck in site.  The Borg is learning a valuable lesson.  Don’t mess with a space-hick.  They will fuck your shit up.  Big D and Riker crush the Borg and then wire the rig to blow.  They free their trucks and get the hell out of there, just before... KABLAMO!!!!  There is green shit everywhere!  Big D and Riker look back and admire their handy work.  Then Riker says over the CB, “10-10 till we do it again.  We gone.”  Big D and Riker part ways to deliver their shit.\n\nHow fucking great does this movie sound!?  Awesome!  I fell asleep halfway through the movie, but I assume that everything I wrote is as exactly as it happened.  I can’t think of a reason why Riker wouldn’t show up.\n\nProve me wrong.",
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      "body": "@@ -1,374 +1,4 @@\n-https://www.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http%253A%252F%252Fwww.popcornpictures.co.uk%252Fwp-content%252Fuploads%252F2012%252F08%252FClass-of-1999-1990.jpg&imgrefurl=http%253A%252F%252Fwww.popcornpictures.co.uk%252Fcategory%252Fsci-fi-movie-reviews%252Fpage%252F2%252F&docid=blLmeVDgxJEdWM&tbnid=J-AzP2WylHTkGM%253A&w=580&h=885&bih=568&biw=360&ved=0ahUKEwjD-ofi8YnOAhUGKh4KHSeWDMgQMwgqKAkwCQ&iact=mrc&uact=8%0A%0A\n How \n",
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      "body": "https://www.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.popcornpictures.co.uk%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F08%2FClass-of-1999-1990.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.popcornpictures.co.uk%2Fcategory%2Fsci-fi-movie-reviews%2Fpage%2F2%2F&docid=blLmeVDgxJEdWM&tbnid=J-AzP2WylHTkGM%3A&w=580&h=885&bih=568&biw=360&ved=0ahUKEwjD-ofi8YnOAhUGKh4KHSeWDMgQMwgqKAkwCQ&iact=mrc&uact=8\n\nHow did I not see this movie before?  Maybe I did and it blew that part of my mind away.\n\nTalk about the who’s who of  “hey,  it’s that fucking guy” actors.  Malcolm McDowell has done some pretty sweet movies.  This is no exception.\n\nClass of 1999 tells a great story about a teacher that is transferred to a troubled high school and is expected to clean it up.  The students have disciplinary problems that prove to be quite challenging.  Through sheer determination and genuine love for the students, the teacher manages to reach these troubled youth.  If this sounds pretty awesome to you, go rent Lean on Me or Dangerous Minds, because this movie is way less faggy.  \n\nThe United States has turned into a complete shithole.  Gang violence has taken over the schools.  So much that the major schools and surrounding areas are free-fire zones that the police will not enter.  Kennedy High is located in a free-fire zone.  To try and deal with the little punks that rule the free-fire zones, the Department of Educational Defense devises a plan to fuck shit up.\n\nStacy Keach (He’s a dude with a broads name) modifies three battledroids to infiltrate the school as teachers.  This movie is worth seeing just for the mullet that Stacy Keach is rocking.  It may only be rivaled by the mullet on the Bozz in Stone Cold.  These aren’t your average run of the mill teachers.  They have combat training and they aren’t afraid to use it in the name of discipline.  Pam Grier beats the hell out of three gang bangers trying to sell drugs in her class.  Another teacher spanks the shit out of two mooks for fighting.  This hands on approach seems to be working quite well, until they revert back to their combat programming and take shit too far.  They start killing mouthy little cunts for minor offences.  They lose their shit and someone is going to have to stop them, but who?  Cody Culp, that’s who!\n\nCody gets released from prison and is forced to return to school as part of his parole.  To the surprise of his gang buddies, he intends to meet the conditions of his parole.  This does not sit well with his old gang.  On the way to his first day of school, Cody takes a route through Razorheads territory.  He disrespects their leader, Sonny and a high speed car chase ensues through piles of cardboard and garbage.   They manage to lose Sonny when flips his shitbox on a heap of garbage.  \n\nAs Cody witnesses more and more violence from the teachers, he realizes something is up.  \nOne of the teachers kills his buddy when he pulls a gun out.  Another teacher causes a dealer to overdose on his own drugs.  Cody searches the teachers place for answers.  He finds it quite odd that there is only fuel cells and WD-40 in the cupboard.  Shit gets really hairy when the teachers see him fleeing the apartment.  This leads to a high speed chase between a Ford Taurus and a dirt bike.  Apparently the breaks are fucked on the car and they floor it into the water.  Cody escapes…. for now.  The teachers start scheming to deal with the problem.\n\nThe three teachers fuck his brother up royaly and make it look like the Razorheads did it.  The Blackhearts, Razorheads, and teachers all get into a shootout and fuck each other up.  At the end of the battle, Cody unloads into a teacher and comes to the realization that they aren’t human.  His gun is useless, so he gets the fuck out of there.\n\nYou think Cody calls up Sonny to meet at the school.  Sonny trusts Cody “like a vampire giving him a blowjob.”  The teachers use Sonny’s voice to make it sound like the Razorheads kidnapped Cody’s old lady.  He doesn’t fall for it.  He now knows the teachers are setting them all up.  Cody talks to Sonny and they unite against the teachers.  After blowing the front door up, the gangs storm the school on their dirtbikes.  Cody and Sonny find Pam Grier first.  Sonny unloads into her tits, but she laughs it off.  Then she activates her XT-6 hardware.  They book it.  Pam Grier has a flamethrower, the Sandman from Death Warrant has rockets, and “Always the hard way” from Delta Force 2 has a claw.  It’s not hard to tell who got the shaft in that deal.  It’s not even a cool claw.  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      "body": "State of the art, Alex!\n\nhttp://3.bp.blogspot.com/_PJLsloPvrtA/S2DuOmcS83I/AAAAAAAAAGg/Fn-5JwDegHQ/s320/nemesis.jpg\n\nI was starting to feel a little numb.  What, with all the bio-enhanced gangsters, information terrorists, and cyborg outlaws.  It pays to be more than human.  My work order was a chip smuggler with some impressive bio-engineering done on her insides.  The extra ram she could carry let her charge double.  Ricoh was her alias and she was hoping to download her data on a terrorist organization called the Red Army Hammerheads.  Laundering data can be dangerous.  You break the law, you go to hell.\n\nIt looks like someone saw me ice our friend, Ricoh.  They know I’m L.A.P.D. and are after some revenge. Nothing is ever easy.  Two down, but it looks like the sexy one with the short skirt is carrying some heavy hardware.  Fuck this.  I’m outta here.  Oh fuck!  If I can just make it to this building… awww fuck!  That knee was brand new.  I say, “Give it a rest” as I blast one of the bitches.  The second tags me with an explosive shell.  Now she has come to finish the job.  You goddamn terrorist!  She goes on about trying to protect mankind and that I am the one that protects the machines.  She accuses me of being one myself, but I am still 86.5% human.  She unloads into my chest and just as she is about to finish the job, I stab her with a piece of steel.  Thank god for the L.A.P.D.  They arrive just in time.\n\nIt looks like I’m going to have to undergo some serious repairs.  It took six months for them to put me back together.  After the techs were done with my body, they shipped me to Baja to recuperate.  I ended up in some god forsaken refuge on the edge of existence.  The thing is, I am here for another reason.  I found the terrorist that did this to me.  I grab a beer and as she comes over, I see the Hammerhead tattoo on her hand.  I tell her I want to get even.  She asks, “With who”.  I say, “With you terrorist!” as I blast her.  I wanted to tell her that I have given a lot of thought to what she said back in L.A.  About, whether I was more machine than human.  I never got the chance, so I listen to the sound of approaching engines instead.\n\nThe L.A.P.D. show up to tell me that rehabs over.  Farnsworth wants me back online, but I quit, and they can tell Farnsworth that.  I am hardly human anymore.  Nothing has been mine since Jared and Farnsworth got me to join.  They turned me into a fucking machine.  I cared once for Jared and she’s synthetic.  What does she care about a better world?  She’s a cyborg.\n\nIt is now one year later and the place is Rio de Janeiro.  I have slipped into the black market network to try my hand at smuggling.  Just as I am about to give up on Brazil, I hear some hotshot systems cowboy wants to see me.  Some Japanese tech wants safe passage through the network.  A perfect setup.  My contacts face splits open and a gun pops out and fires.  L.A.P.D. has set me up.  They want me for another assignment.\n\nAfter they fix me up, Farnsworth comes to see me in my cell.  He tells me that they added a bomb to my heart and force me to try and retrieve some stolen data.  It turns out that Jared is the one who stole the data.  She has gone renegade.  She is selling information to the Hammerheads and is meeting with their leader in some shithole called, Shang Loo.  I refuse, so some asshole pulls a gone on me.  You know the old cliché, “If you pull it, you better use it.”  I seriously fuck buddy up.  I have three days before the bomb goes off, so I have little choice.\n\nShang Loo, Christ…  What a dump.  I reach the Shang Loo Hotel and get a room.  I unpack my shit and take a hit of speed to take the edge off.  That’s the last time.  If Farnsworth is going to kill me tomorrow, I want to be clear.  Next thing I know, three armed men break into my room.  One of them dogs me in the mouth and another knees me in the face.  They want to know why I’m in Shang Loo.  I tell them I’m looking for someone.  They know of Jared.  I tell them about the bomb in my chest, so the bolt.  I have a feeling when I get close to Jared, I’m fucked.  Next time the try it, I’m going to kill all of those motherfuckers, but right now I could use a shower.\n\nAs I’m scrubbing my taint, two more assholes break in.  As the big one is choking me out, I just reach my gun from under the towel.  He tells me, “It only works if you load it, stupid.”  I load it and blow his fucking head off.  Thanks for the tip.  I pull my gun on the girl searching my room.  Who the hell is she?  She tells me she is someone that can help me find Jared.  She says that Farnsworth has a surveillance unit in my right eye.  She asks if I am going to help her.  She’s a fucking cyborg!  Why should I help her?  She tells me there is no time, so I agree to help.  She removes the tracker from my eye.  Wow!  It hurts like a motherfucker.  She informs me that Jared is still alive.  Her body is destroyed, but they downloaded her heart and soul into a memory bank.  I am supposed to take Jared to the Red Army Hammerheads.  Oh fuck!  Farnsworth and his men attack.  How am I going to escape from this?  The floor!  I shoot a hole through the floor and escape out of the bottom.  What an exciting resort.\n\nJared, why did you turn against L.A.P.D.?  She informs me that she didn’t.  She turned against Commissioner Farnsworth.  He has been replaced by a cyborg duplicate.  They intend to replace all humans with cyborgs.  They have to be stopped.\n\nI see some cyborg harassing an old lady for information.  As he turns, she grabs a gun from her purse.  As she unloads on him, she mutters something about, “Fucking cyborgs.  Can’t even go to the market without meeting some punk.”  Shang Loo takes no shit.  I love this town.\n\nI have to meet the Hammerheads, but it’s not going to be easy.  Farnsworth’s men attack me every step of the way.  The cyborg from Rio gets the jump on me.  We fall out a window and slide down a muddy slide.  Just as he is about to shoot from his face, I lift him up and crush his head into an overhead beam.  Then I finish him off with a round to the face.  One of the Hammerheads helps me escape.    As we are walking through the jungle, I pull a gun on her.  She begs me for a job as my guide.  She says I can scan her to see if she’s telling the truth.  Okay.  As I scan her, her necklace fires a laser into my neck incapacitating me.\n\nI wake up tied to a chair.  The Hammerheads boss, Angie, wants to see me.  He knows about Farnsworth.  He disarms as a sign of good faith, but good faith on what?  He needs my help with the cyborgs.  BOMB!  One of Angie’s fat asshole men jumps on it.  It’s Farnsworth, but the girl gets me out as Farnsworth kills the rest of the Hammerheads.  She loses it when she sees that Angie is dead.  I explain that she needs me, so she lowers her gun.\n\nFarnsworth catches up to us, so we try and get the fuck out of there.  Watch out!  Farnsworth just misses us with his grenades.  We take shelter in a tin shack, but Farnsworth is too close.  The girl is knocked out by an explosion, so I have to carry her.  We jump through the window and run out the back, but Farnsworth follows.  I see a zip-line and use it for a quicker route down the hill.  As we try and escape into the jungle, Farnsworth’s men are close behind.  I pick off a number of them, but Farnsworth catches me.  He holds a gun to my head, but spends too much time spouting his bullshit.  I grab my gun and empty it into him.  We get the hell away from there.  In the background I can hear Farnsworth yell, “State of the fucking art, Alex”.    He continues his pursuit.  As I jump off a cliff, I do a back flip with a twist and nail him with a grenade.  Fuck!  It just blows his exterior off.  How do you kill this guy?  We make it to the rendezvous and a jet picks us up.  I take a sigh of relief, but what’s that banging?  Farnsworth!  He rips a whole in the side of the jet and climbs in saying, “state of the art, Alex” I give him a left hook and a right cross.  We both nearly fall out of the jet, but cling on to some twisted metal.  Farnsworth is holding onto my arm, so I rip it off and let him fall into molting lava.  Fuck! That was close.\n\nWe escape with Jared’s data and expose Farnsworth’s plan.  The world is not perfect, but thanks to me, Jared, and the Hammerheads, there is hope.  What a crazy time this is.",
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      "body": "Holy Fuck!  What a movie!\n\n(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_PJLsloPvrtA/S410sz0DsEI/AAAAAAAAAG4/xuWEp5EthkI/s320/dollma6.jpeg)\n\nTim Thomerson is so fucking great, it's ridiculous.  He comes from the planet Arturus where he fucks dudes up for a living.  He doesn't use pussy ninja kicks or homo-erotic karate chops either.  You see, Thomerson packs the most powerful handgun in the universe.  He displays just how powerful it is when he turns two dirty motherfuckers into mud.  They were the henchmen of a flying head that Thomerson blew the body off of.  The flying head tells Thomerson he has a dimensional bomb and is going to ransom the city.  This is when the henchmen try to kill Thomerson and end up facked.  When the flying head realizes that he shouldn't have fucked with Thomerson, he hovers his queer head into a spaceship and jets.  Clearly, Thomerson isn't going to let someone so gay escape him.  He jumps into a spaceship and tracks that fucker down.\n\nThe flying head and Thomerson end up crash landing on earth.  More specifically, they crash land in the South Bronx.  Clearly this area is packed full of Blacks and greasy Hispanics and is not somewhere you want to visit.  Unless you enjoy being robbed or gang raped, then it's your kind of place.  It wouldn't be such a big deal for Thomerson.  He's packing way too much sac for any mulletard Hispanics to fuck with.  All that would be left of them is a grease stain on their dirty Dickies jacket.  There is only one problem.  The people on Arturus are tiny compared to people on earth.  It looks like the dirty fuckers are going to pose more of a problem than previously expected.\n\nLike usual, two Hispanics try and rape some chick.  Just before they can get their dicks wet, Thomerson pulls out his piece and blasts the dirty little bastards.  Thankful she didn't get penetrated by a Mexican, she brings Thomerson back to her place to stay.  Obviously she wants a full body fuck from Thomerson, but he has primo pussy on speed dial.  He doesn't have to settle for a dirty immy.  But he does stay at her place with her dipshit kid.\n\nThe flying head also has a run in with a couple of mulletards.  He bribes them into helping him kill Thomerson by providing them with the dimensional bomb.  Smart move, asshole!  They end up grinding him into paste and taking the bomb.\n\nNow it's Thomerson's turn, if they can find the time between their chimichangas, siestas, and dope dealing.  They try and hunt Thomerson down, but get blasted at every encounter.  No matter how many times Thomerson fucks them up, they never learn.  Thirteen inches or thirteen feet, it doesn't matter.  Thomerson is the toughest man in the universe.  If you fuck with him, you will get fucked.  If you want to be a poser, go buy a trench coat, wicked eighties shades, queer-stomping boots, and dye your hair white.  Then you will also look tougher than a five pound shit.  You will also get mad pussy.\n\nAfter they get raped by Thomerson, they go after the slut instead.  They kidnap her and most likely pound her puss.  This makes Thomerson even angrier.  He starts blowing everything up.  It's \"urban fucking renewal!\"\n\nThomerson ends up finding the slut and has his final showdown with the greasy Hispanics.  Obviously they aren't going to do much against Thomerson and he seriously fucks them all up.\n\nA good movie with a hero from another planet?  It's about fucking time.  Tim Thomerson is so much better than some tights wearing faggot from Krypton, or group of tin assholes butchered by Michael Bay.  He's thirteen inches tall, not twenty-eight feet, and he still gets shit done.",
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      "body": "Stone Cold (1991)\n\nBuh!?  You are unaware just how awesome Stone Cold is?  Take your fucking head out of the sand.  That's where cats shit.\n\nWow!  This movie has guns, drugs, booze, motorcycles, whorish women, and top notch action.  It also has The Boz, Lance Henricksen, and William Forsythe.  Yet, this is not the reason for Stone Cold being such a fantastic fucking movie.  You ask, \"What else could it be, all of that, but there is something else?\"  You're goddamn right there is something else.    Something so great and masculine, that if you tried to compare yourself to it, your dick would fall off and you would grow great tits.  What could it be?  Picture the most heavenly haircut imaginable.  Something so majestic that unicorn’s pound off to it.  Do you have it yet?  What a fantastic fucking mullet.  Styled with the vaginal discharge of twenty year old girls that are drawn to it like fly’s to shit.  The Boz's mullet is one of the best.  It is second only to the king of mullets, Billy Ray Cyrus.  Here is the Mullet Hierarchy as I see it:\n\n\nYou may argue with the Mullet Hierarchy, but there can be no doubt as to who the king is.  You may think you know of some better mullets than the other candidates, but it's my list, so fuck off.  I'm not a goddamn hairdresser.  You can take your shear-toting-pussy-hand and shove it up your ass.  Billy Ray Cyrus's mullet makes god jealous. \n\n\n\nStone Cold is one of those movies you have to see to believe.  I could try and drive it into your head with a bat, but you really can't appreciate its awesomeness, untill you see it.  The Boz plays... correction: portrays (The Boz doesn't fuck around) an undercover officer that infiltrates a motorcycle gang.  These assholes are true 1%ers.  Lance Henricksen is their leader, Chains, and he takes shit from no one.  Especially some suit on a power trip. \n\nChains attracts the authorities attention when he orders his posse to \"crack the whip\" on Whipperton.  Whipperton is the DA that had just sent a patched member of The Brotherhood (The MC Club) to the pokie.  What he doesn't realize is that, \"Those colours don't run!\" and his actions are an act of war. \n\nThe Boz catches William Forsythe's eye by kicking the living shit out of some dicks causing shit in a titty bar.  He also had a little help from some lame do-gooder cop that fucks gross chicks and is an annoying germaphobe.  The Boz thinks this guy is a joke, but lets it slide. \n\nThe Boz's actions in the titty bar earn him an invite to a rally that The Brotherhood is putting on.  While there, The Boz kicks more ass and gives Chains a serious hard on.  William Forsythe suspects he's a cop, but Chains wants him as his enforcer.  When The Boz goes back to his rapist van, Chains is in there with his old lady.  He tells The Boz he wants to talk with him, but right now he can tear a strip out of his old lady.  The Boz doesn't give a fuck who Chains is.  He tells him to get the hell out of his rapist van, and to take his skank-whore with him.  This only makes Chains boner grow bigger.  Needless to say, The Boz gains access to The Brotherhood. \n\nThe rest of the movie, untill the end, The Boz is doing jobs, kicking ass, and gaining the trust of Chains.  I'm kind of downplaying just how awesome it is, but I don't want to write the next great American novel.  Just trust me when I tell you that it's great.\n\nThe Boz ends up finding out that The Brotherhood's whole plan is to assassinate Whipperton.  This can't happen.  There is only one man that can stop these fucks, and The Boz is his name.\n\nThe ending to this movie is so good.  The Brotherhood invades a courthouse and blasts the fuck out of everyone inside.  Then The Boz arrives.  Chains rides up on the back of some dudes bike and is all like, \"Beardo, take this joker out!\"  So, Beardo starts revving the engine up, all hardcore and shit, to boost the RPM’s.  Then he lets ‘er fly!  Like the badass that he is, The Boz just stands there.  Then he pulls out his shotty and unloads a round into Beardo’s chest.  Beardo goes flying off the bike, and The Boz dodges it just in time.  Meanwhile Mr. Helicopter is buzzing around outside, and wham!  The bike, that the Boz just dodged, goes flying through the window and right into the chopper!  Do you believe it!  Unaffected by the amazing incident that just occurred, The Boz continues on justiceing the rest of The Brotherhood.  Then he comes across the court room.  Well, I don’t have to tell you that The Boz was not happy with the chaos that Chains inflicted upon that courtroom.  The Boz is all, “Chains is going to pay for this… with his life!”  Then, out of nowhere, Chains gets the drop on The Boz.  So, the movie ends right there, right?  Wrong!  The Boz knocks the gun out of the hand of chains and administers him an ass-kicking.  It’s an epic brawl that climaxes when The Boz sticks his .45 in the face of chains, and tells him something so tough that I shook in fear.  Then, The Boz pulls the trigger.  Click!  It’s empty!  Chains is shitting himself at this point and passes out.  He tumbles down the stairs and The Boz arrests him.  Game over, right?  Not yet!  Hold the fuck on!  Chains grabs a cops gun, and Clickety-Clack!  Someone’s dead.  Who could it be?  The Boz?  Nope!  Germaphobe-Fag-Cop outdrew Chains, and he put two into him for good measure.  Then Germaphobe says something super-cool like, “Ain’t no thang but a chicken wang” The Boz doesn’t respond.  He just stares at him.  The Boz doesn’t have to say anything, because you can see it in his eyes.  You can see what The Boz is thinking, and it’s 100% respect for Pussy Cop.  First he thought Germaphobe was a suit wearing pussy, but now The Boz realizes that he is the real deal.  Cue the wicked 80’s music and credits.\n\nIt's over.  There is only one thing left to do.  You had better go take care of that cement dick that you have been sporting for the hour and a half that this glorious movie was on for.  Be sure to knock on the bathroom door when you go.  Your wife has been fisting herself since she took her first glance at The Boz's mullet.  Put your shoes on.  It’s going to be messy in there.",
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      "body": "Stone Cold (1991)\n\nBuh!?  You are unaware just how awesome Stone Cold is?  Take your fucking head out of the sand.  That's where cats shit.\n\nWow!  This movie has guns, drugs, booze, motorcycles, whorish women, and top notch action.  It also has The Boz, Lance Henricksen, and William Forsythe.  Yet, this is not the reason for Stone Cold being such a fantastic fucking movie.  You ask, \"What else could it be, all of that, but there is something else?\"  You're goddamn right there is something else.    Something so great and masculine, that if you tried to compare yourself to it, your dick would fall off and you would grow great tits.  What could it be?  Picture the most heavenly haircut imaginable.  Something so majestic that unicorn’s pound off to it.  Do you have it yet?  What a fantastic fucking mullet.  Styled with the vaginal discharge of twenty year old girls that are drawn to it like fly’s to shit.  The Boz's mullet is one of the best.  It is second only to the king of mullets, Billy Ray Cyrus.  Here is the Mullet Hierarchy as I see it:\n\n\nYou may argue with the Mullet Hierarchy, but there can be no doubt as to who the king is.  You may think you know of some better mullets than the other candidates, but it's my list, so fuck off.  I'm not a goddamn hairdresser.  You can take your shear-toting-pussy-hand and shove it up your ass.  Billy Ray Cyrus's mullet makes god jealous. \n\n\n\nStone Cold is one of those movies you have to see to believe.  I could try and drive it into your head with a bat, but you really can't appreciate its awesomeness, untill you see it.  The Boz plays... correction: portrays (The Boz doesn't fuck around) an undercover officer that infiltrates a motorcycle gang.  These assholes are true 1%ers.  Lance Henricksen is their leader, Chains, and he takes shit from no one.  Especially some suit on a power trip. \n\nChains attracts the authorities attention when he orders his posse to \"crack the whip\" on Whipperton.  Whipperton is the DA that had just sent a patched member of The Brotherhood (The MC Club) to the pokie.  What he doesn't realize is that, \"Those colours don't run!\" and his actions are an act of war. \n\nThe Boz catches William Forsythe's eye by kicking the living shit out of some dicks causing shit in a titty bar.  He also had a little help from some lame do-gooder cop that fucks gross chicks and is an annoying germaphobe.  The Boz thinks this guy is a joke, but lets it slide. \n\nThe Boz's actions in the titty bar earn him an invite to a rally that The Brotherhood is putting on.  While there, The Boz kicks more ass and gives Chains a serious hard on.  William Forsythe suspects he's a cop, but Chains wants him as his enforcer.  When The Boz goes back to his rapist van, Chains is in there with his old lady.  He tells The Boz he wants to talk with him, but right now he can tear a strip out of his old lady.  The Boz doesn't give a fuck who Chains is.  He tells him to get the hell out of his rapist van, and to take his skank-whore with him.  This only makes Chains boner grow bigger.  Needless to say, The Boz gains access to The Brotherhood. \n\nThe rest of the movie, untill the end, The Boz is doing jobs, kicking ass, and gaining the trust of Chains.  I'm kind of downplaying just how awesome it is, but I don't want to write the next great American novel.  Just trust me when I tell you that it's great.\n\nThe Boz ends up finding out that The Brotherhood's whole plan is to assassinate Whipperton.  This can't happen.  There is only one man that can stop these fucks, and The Boz is his name.\n\nThe ending to this movie is so good.  The Brotherhood invades a courthouse and blasts the fuck out of everyone inside.  Then The Boz arrives.  Chains rides up on the back of some dudes bike and is all like, \"Beardo, take this joker out!\"  So, Beardo starts revving the engine up, all hardcore and shit, to boost the RPM’s.  Then he lets ‘er fly!  Like the badass that he is, The Boz just stands there.  Then he pulls out his shotty and unloads a round into Beardo’s chest.  Beardo goes flying off the bike, and The Boz dodges it just in time.  Meanwhile Mr. Helicopter is buzzing around outside, and wham!  The bike, that the Boz just dodged, goes flying through the window and right into the chopper!  Do you believe it!  Unaffected by the amazing incident that just occurred, The Boz continues on justiceing the rest of The Brotherhood.  Then he comes across the court room.  Well, I don’t have to tell you that The Boz was not happy with the chaos that Chains inflicted upon that courtroom.  The Boz is all, “Chains is going to pay for this… with his life!”  Then, out of nowhere, Chains gets the drop on The Boz.  So, the movie ends right there, right?  Wrong!  The Boz knocks the gun out of the hand of chains and administers him an ass-kicking.  It’s an epic brawl that climaxes when The Boz sticks his .45 in the face of chains, and tells him something so tough that I shook in fear.  Then, The Boz pulls the trigger.  Click!  It’s empty!  Chains is shitting himself at this point and passes out.  He tumbles down the stairs and The Boz arrests him.  Game over, right?  Not yet!  Hold the fuck on!  Chains grabs a cops gun, and Clickety-Clack!  Someone’s dead.  Who could it be?  The Boz?  Nope!  Germaphobe-Fag-Cop outdrew Chains, and he put two into him for good measure.  Then Germaphobe says something super-cool like, “Ain’t no thang but a chicken wang” The Boz doesn’t respond.  He just stares at him.  The Boz doesn’t have to say anything, because you can see it in his eyes.  You can see what The Boz is thinking, and it’s 100% respect for Pussy Cop.  First he thought Germaphobe was a suit wearing pussy, but now The Boz realizes that he is the real deal.  Cue the wicked 80’s music and credits.\n\nIt's over.  There is only one thing left to do.  You had better go take care of that cement dick that you have been sporting for the hour and a half that this glorious movie was on for.  Be sure to knock on the bathroom door when you go.  Your wife has been fisting herself since she took her first glance at The Boz's mullet.  Put your shoes on.  It’s going to be messy in there.",
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      "body": "Stone Cold (1991)\n\nBuh!?  You are unaware just how awesome Stone Cold is?  Take your fucking head out of the sand.  That's where cats shit.\n\nWow!  This movie has guns, drugs, booze, motorcycles, whorish women, and top notch action.  It also has The Boz, Lance Henricksen, and William Forsythe.  Yet, this is not the reason for Stone Cold being such a fantastic fucking movie.  You ask, \"What else could it be, all of that, but there is something else?\"  You're goddamn right there is something else.    Something so great and masculine, that if you tried to compare yourself to it, your dick would fall off and you would grow great tits.  What could it be?  Picture the most heavenly haircut imaginable.  Something so majestic that unicorn’s pound off to it.  Do you have it yet?  What a fantastic fucking mullet.  Styled with the vaginal discharge of twenty year old girls that are drawn to it like fly’s to shit.  The Boz's mullet is one of the best.  It is second only to the king of mullets, Billy Ray Cyrus.  Here is the Mullet Hierarchy as I see it:\n\n\nYou may argue with the Mullet Hierarchy, but there can be no doubt as to who the king is.  You may think you know of some better mullets than the other candidates, but it's my list, so fuck off.  I'm not a goddamn hairdresser.  You can take your shear-toting-pussy-hand and shove it up your ass.  Billy Ray Cyrus's mullet makes god jealous. \n\n\n\nStone Cold is one of those movies you have to see to believe.  I could try and drive it into your head with a bat, but you really can't appreciate its awesomeness, untill you see it.  The Boz plays... correction: portrays (The Boz doesn't fuck around) an undercover officer that infiltrates a motorcycle gang.  These assholes are true 1%ers.  Lance Henricksen is their leader, Chains, and he takes shit from no one.  Especially some suit on a power trip. \n\nChains attracts the authorities attention when he orders his posse to \"crack the whip\" on Whipperton.  Whipperton is the DA that had just sent a patched member of The Brotherhood (The MC Club) to the pokie.  What he doesn't realize is that, \"Those colours don't run!\" and his actions are an act of war. \n\nThe Boz catches William Forsythe's eye by kicking the living shit out of some dicks causing shit in a titty bar.  He also had a little help from some lame do-gooder cop that fucks gross chicks and is an annoying germaphobe.  The Boz thinks this guy is a joke, but lets it slide. \n\nThe Boz's actions in the titty bar earn him an invite to a rally that The Brotherhood is putting on.  While there, The Boz kicks more ass and gives Chains a serious hard on.  William Forsythe suspects he's a cop, but Chains wants him as his enforcer.  When The Boz goes back to his rapist van, Chains is in there with his old lady.  He tells The Boz he wants to talk with him, but right now he can tear a strip out of his old lady.  The Boz doesn't give a fuck who Chains is.  He tells him to get the hell out of his rapist van, and to take his skank-whore with him.  This only makes Chains boner grow bigger.  Needless to say, The Boz gains access to The Brotherhood. \n\nThe rest of the movie, untill the end, The Boz is doing jobs, kicking ass, and gaining the trust of Chains.  I'm kind of downplaying just how awesome it is, but I don't want to write the next great American novel.  Just trust me when I tell you that it's great.\n\nThe Boz ends up finding out that The Brotherhood's whole plan is to assassinate Whipperton.  This can't happen.  There is only one man that can stop these fucks, and The Boz is his name.\n\nThe ending to this movie is so good.  The Brotherhood invades a courthouse and blasts the fuck out of everyone inside.  Then The Boz arrives.  Chains rides up on the back of some dudes bike and is all like, \"Beardo, take this joker out!\"  So, Beardo starts revving the engine up, all hardcore and shit, to boost the RPM’s.  Then he lets ‘er fly!  Like the badass that he is, The Boz just stands there.  Then he pulls out his shotty and unloads a round into Beardo’s chest.  Beardo goes flying off the bike, and The Boz dodges it just in time.  Meanwhile Mr. Helicopter is buzzing around outside, and wham!  The bike, that the Boz just dodged, goes flying through the window and right into the chopper!  Do you believe it!  Unaffected by the amazing incident that just occurred, The Boz continues on justiceing the rest of The Brotherhood.  Then he comes across the court room.  Well, I don’t have to tell you that The Boz was not happy with the chaos that Chains inflicted upon that courtroom.  The Boz is all, “Chains is going to pay for this… with his life!”  Then, out of nowhere, Chains gets the drop on The Boz.  So, the movie ends right there, right?  Wrong!  The Boz knocks the gun out of the hand of chains and administers him an ass-kicking.  It’s an epic brawl that climaxes when The Boz sticks his .45 in the face of chains, and tells him something so tough that I shook in fear.  Then, The Boz pulls the trigger.  Click!  It’s empty!  Chains is shitting himself at this point and passes out.  He tumbles down the stairs and The Boz arrests him.  Game over, right?  Not yet!  Hold the fuck on!  Chains grabs a cops gun, and Clickety-Clack!  Someone’s dead.  Who could it be?  The Boz?  Nope!  Germaphobe-Fag-Cop outdrew Chains, and he put two into him for good measure.  Then Germaphobe says something super-cool like, “Ain’t no thang but a chicken wang” The Boz doesn’t respond.  He just stares at him.  The Boz doesn’t have to say anything, because you can see it in his eyes.  You can see what The Boz is thinking, and it’s 100% respect for Pussy Cop.  First he thought Germaphobe was a suit wearing pussy, but now The Boz realizes that he is the real deal.  Cue the wicked 80’s music and credits.\n\nIt's over.  There is only one thing left to do.  You had better go take care of that cement dick that you have been sporting for the hour and a half that this glorious movie was on for.  Be sure to knock on the bathroom door when you go.  Your wife has been fisting herself since she took her first glance at The Boz's mullet.  Put your shoes on.  It’s going to be messy in there.",
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      "permlink": "shitastic-b-movie-review-stone-cold-1991",
      "title": "Shitastic b movie review:  Stone Cold (1991)"
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