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      "author": "steemitboard",
      "body": "Congratulations @mattyboolamb! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@mattyboolamb/birthday3.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 3 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@mattyboolamb) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=mattyboolamb)_</sub>\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "http://i65.tinypic.com/2z6b60n.jpg\n\n\nAs I reminisce about the past,\nHow life was simple then,\nNo worries, thoughts or sleepless nights,\nBut would I go through it all again?\n\nI miss the naivety, the simplicity,\nA bouncy ball was enough to please,\nThe carefree days playing \"It\" - long gone,\nReturning home with scabby knees.\n\nSkipping school, the swimming pool,\nDo you remember the arcade?\nBlowing every penny on Donkey Kong,\nDoing a few chores to be paid.\n\nSummer days chasing butterflies,\nHow funny we surely were,\nWatching cartoons 'til our eyes were red,\nThose days are now a blur.\n\nDo you remember this?\n\"God yes! And do you remember that?\"\nOh yeah! And how about that science teacher?\n\"D'ya think he still wears that silly hat?\"\n\nI wonder what the old chums are doing,\nDo they all ruminate like me?\nDo you think they're sad or happy?\nNow bald on baby number three?\n\nThese days I'm always sleepy, so tired,\nWho knew adulthood would be like this?\nLittle me imagined something else,\nMore freedom, cash and bliss?\n\nBut if you possessed the power,\nCould change my life for me,\nWould I be a kid again?\nI'd rather nail my testes to a tree.\n\nFor a life without sex or wine?\nSurely it'd be misery, torture - hell.\nAnd no caffeine, beer or internet?\nI bid childhood a fond farewell.",
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      "body": "http://i65.tinypic.com/25k7bx2.jpg\n\n\n\n\nThe recipe is Paella - none-authentic. The focus is to use leftover roast chicken. Some of the ingredients you can omit, or replace with your own preferences. Make this YOUR paella and then boast to your friends and family about how you can easily make something fancy (even though it's as easy as whipping up a bolognese). I hope you enjoy it!\n\nNow for the ingredients:\n\n> - A diced large onion/a couple of medium ones\n> - A cup of frozen peas\n> - A red pepper (as much as you like - if any)\n> - Chopped Chorizo - as much as you like. (Opt for a mild-spicy one if you don't like a lot of spice - I do, however)\n> - Cooked seafood (for me, just prawns - the best quality you're willing to get. Add mussels, etc depending on what you like) \n> - Leftover chicken from a roast dinner. (Alternatively you can simply cook up a batch of whatever your favourite chicken meat is and use that, if you don't have any leftovers)\n> - Garlic cloves, sliced thick (personal preference for amount, I personally recommend a lot)\n> - 1 tbsp of Paprika\n> - Half a small lemon\n> - A glass of (fairly-sweet) white wine (optional)\n> - A pan full of water (appox. a couple of pints, I recommend 3 - the water needs to be boiling-hot)\n> - Paella rice (approx. 200-250g, what's that? 7-9oz?)\n> - Tomato puree (About 100-150g/3.5-5oz). (Or simply: 1/2-3/4 of a 200g tube)\n> - Salt and pepper to taste\n> - Two chicken-stock cubes\n> - Olive oil for frying\n\n\nhttp://i66.tinypic.com/5p1lr4.jpg\n\n\nMethod:\n\nTo start you need a large frying pan. Ideally a paella pan, but I personally use a large frying pan. It needs to be a fairly big diameter. Mine is 12 inches in diameter at the rim and about 8 inches at the base. Put your frying pan on a medium-high heat to warm it and add some olive oil. Whilst that is warming, on a separate ring, put your pan of boiling water on a medium heat. Although you initially boiled the water, you want the water to merely remain hot on the hob, not boiling or bubbling in any way. Add the paprika and squeeze the lemon-half into this pan of water and stir it, also add to it a pinch of salt and black pepper. \n\nNext fry the onion and chorizo in the now-hot frying pan until both have a little colour. Now add the garlic (and red-pepper if you used some). If like me you have partially-cooked chicken chunks (I used breast pieces), then add these now. IF HOWEVER you are using chicken strips, such as roast dinner leftovers or fully-cooked chicken, then don't add the chicken, just leave the chicken to one side for it will be added later.\n\n\nhttp://i65.tinypic.com/30mqvqt.jpg\n\nNow add the rice - sprinkle it evenly all over the pan, then add the glass of wine, the tomato puree and crushed stock cubes. Then use a ladle (a smallish-medium one) to move roughly one-pint of the water from the other pan to the frying pan and give it a stir. I know it looks like that there's not very much rice in the pan, but trust me - it will be enough.\n\n\n\nhttp://i65.tinypic.com/2qny2xf.jpg\nContinue letting it cook and the rice will soak up the water. Every time the rice soaks up most of it, add another ladle of water - or two and stir each time. When you've done this a few times, pick up a teaspoon and try a couple of grains of rice. It should have a kind of chalky texture. As it nears completion, the chalkiness will simply become softness - the texture of cooked rice. You will have to use your judgement. If it's very crunchy-chalky, then add another two ladles. If it's softish-chalky, then add one ladle. Continue adding ladles of water-mixture and letting it cook until the rice soaks it up, then try the rice again and again. Add half-ladles or less when it's close. Finally, when it has the tiniest amount of chalkiness left - practically cooked, but not quite - don't ladle anymore. Just let it soak up the remaining liquid left in the frying pan and then turn off the heat. There will still be a little liquid remaining and this small amount of liquid should have the consistency of a runny ketchup: not watery and not thick, like regular ketchup - just somewhere in between. It will be absorbed later.\n\n\nhttp://i66.tinypic.com/2cr60eb.jpg\n\nYou should have some water-mixture left in the other pan. Pour it away as you're now finished with it. (If for some reason you end up needing more - if the 3 pints were not enough - then simply make more using the above ratios).\n\nNow microwave your peas for about a minute - in the cup itself, with some water which just about covers the peas. Your peas should come out defrosted, but not cooked at all. Now tip-away the water and then add the peas, your seafood (if any) and your leftover/cooked chicken (unless you already added partially-cooked chicken earlier) to your paella. Give the paella a thorough mix so that it is all incorporated.\n\n\nhttp://i63.tinypic.com/kbq88m.jpg\n\nYour paella should look a little wet, but most of the liquid should be absorbed by now. Take your pan off the heat entirely and let it sit aside to rest for about ten minutes (no lid or covering). During the ten minutes, the steam will billow off and the rice will continue to absorb the remaining liquid. You will end up with a moist - not watery, but moist - paella mixture. For me, the paella should already be seasoned perfectly, with the sweet peas balancing the saltiness, but season to your own taste.\n\nI recommend serving it with a soft boiled egg: to boiling water add an egg(s) and let it boil for 3 & a 1/2 to 4 mins. Take it off the heat and tip out all the hot water. Fill the pan up to the top with cold, tap water and let it stay for a minute. Then carefully peel the egg and place it atop your served paella. It should still be runny when pierced: a lovely combo.\n\nhttp://i65.tinypic.com/25k7bx2.jpg\n\n\nLike I said, it is none-authentic. In both cooking technique and ingredients used/not used. It is however my twist on a recipe for paella and does taste delectable. It can be very spicy or quite mild depending on the type of chorizo you use and the amount of it you use. Like practically all the ingredients here, modify to your own tastes. It is a great new way to use up leftover chicken or even turkey for those days when you're fed up of making chicken curry.\n\nStay beautiful <3\n\nLove from your MattyBooLamb",
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      "body": "http://i68.tinypic.com/avscxk.jpg\n\nAre you a nice guy or a pleasant woman? Do people look up to you or smile as you make your entrance? Do you feel just a little bit TOO deified as the agreeable messiah? Are you just sick of their sycophantic-like adoration of you and your alleged manners? Do you hate James Blunt? Good, you've come to the right place. \n\nRules number 1s: There are no rules.\n\nRules number 2s: Submit to the sheep for they are the overlords of this earthly, mortal realm. ALLAHU SHEEP-BAH\n\nNow, let's get serious for a moment. Show me your serious face. I'm not joking, pull a serious face for me now. Yes, that's right I can sense if you're doing it. I'm psychic...well kinda...well...I fart alot - that's kinda psychic, right? Now, let's work on that serious face, you kinda look a little constipated. I told you not to mix lentil soup and vodka. Ah fuck it, it'll have to do - just remember to take a stool softener such as Dulcolax.\n\nNow here's the hard graft: being a cunt may SEEM easy, but it ain't. It's a way of life, it's a cult. Like with sculpting an Adonis body at the gym, you will have to pump the proverbial iron. You will have to make sacrifices; you will have to make compromises; you will have to write me a cheque for $3.85. Okay, well maybe not the last one, but dem doubloons need to keep on flowing if Daddy's gonna get me some bargain-bin hookers and a carton of low-fat milk. J.K - low fat milk is for pussy losers like James Blunt.\n\nNow, we have to start with the basics: being passive-aggressive. Overt confrontation may be good for the psychotic montage clip you've been working on in your sex-dungeon basement over the last couple of months, but in the real world, a little nuanced undermining is definitely the expedient choice for the Cunt Champion - of whom I know you aspire to become. The ability to convey hatred with a little subtlety in a clandestine manner, without arousing suspicion from on-lookers goes a long way. Why tell Sally at the water fountain that you think she's a rude, lazy, fat whore, when you can simply smile and congratulate her on being pregnant.\n\n\"Oh, but I'm not pregnant.\"\n\n\"Oh my mistake.\" (mwhahahahaha)\n\nOr why make a scene having a screaming match with a co-worker, when you can simply go into the work fridge and throw away their lunch before they get a chance to eat it , because if bitch be being rude, then bitch not be eating bitch's egg-salad sandwich.\n\nBeing able to perpetuate and recognise passive-aggression will make you a more well-rounded cunt. Because being a cunt isn't always about being evil - it's a perk, sure, but there are responsibilities. With great power comes great responsibility, nay? #CryForUncleBen\n\nhttp://i67.tinypic.com/egbgis.jpg\n\nSometimes the cunt must dispense justice. You must don  the cape. You must stop trying to be LIKE the spoon and BECOME the spoon. If a person is being irritating, are they just an annoying afterbirth OR are they channelling your powers? They must be thwarted. An exterior of smiles is important. Nobody expects the smiley, nice guy. Remember, it is important that you can deny everything if put on the spot. So get undermining! Always make it innocent, especially as if you're complimenting them, but actually not. Never let them see or hear you roar. Hide your roar behind a loving purr and a hit-and-run bout of well-timed flatulence by their cubicle. THAT'S MEATLOAF YOU'RE SMELLING, BITCH.\n\nNow that we've covered covert Cuntness, we must extend! We must go further. INCEPTION. We will now cover dressing like a Cunt. There are subtle shades of difference between the cunt and douchebag, but of course, there are Venn Diagram overlaps. Whilst the douchebag will often assert a dislike for conformity by ironically conforming to a standard of nonconformity, the cunt will however simply adapt and acclimatise to the environmental pressures exerted upon them. For example: if the cunt walks in on a Marxist-feminist circle jerk symposium, then they will wear a T-shirt with \"There are only two genders.\" Or if a cunt goes to a religious festival, then they will wear a Satanic onesie with a 666 on the fanny-flap. Being a cunt chameleon is pivotal to your success. When out an about on the street, such as buying groceries or purchasing another used anal butt plug from the thrift shop, a simple garment extolling the virtues of 2 girls, 1 cup will suffice - graphics MUST be suggestive, not depictions. You are a classy cunt, not a fucking animal. Well, I am. I'm a sheep and I shit in a field. But I'm guessing you aren't - go shit in your own field. Or better yet, a neighbour's garden - then pass it off as a disrespectful, lazy dog-walker. Think outside the post box.\n\nhttp://i68.tinypic.com/a3pf.jpg\n\nFinally we will look at internalising ass-holery, and no I don't mean with the butt plug you just bought. I'm talking rejecting empathy entirely. No more minding your Ps and Qs. Take those Ps and sodomise them with a pungent, yeast-infected donkey boner. Take those Qs and jam them into James Blunt's nostrils. You have to supersede politeness with narcissistic rudeness, 'til even the McDonalds restaurant thinks that their halitosis spit is too good for your cheeseburger. Rudeness is hard because humans have an inherent desire to please, to be accepted. You must reject this paradigm. You are your own person! You hold your own destiny! You are a proud and independent woman! The pathetic validation of strangers is what tiny-balled bitches seek. You are alpha. Sure your willy is only an inch and a half when it's erect, I know mine is, but you don't let that stand in your way, because who cares? Sure you might cry yourself to sleep every night and spend six-hours everyday looking at male-enhancement products, but that's your business! So screw you, Mr Icecream man when you tell me that you've run out of Vanilla mini-milk ice-lollies! I've got enough problems without your horseshit! \n\nNow there is so much more to cover, I could literally spend a whole day just talking about my hatred of James Blunt, alone. But time is money. Or money is time. Or money > time. I don't know, I'm just googling videos of BBW grannies twanging off on slutroulette. My point is that now the training wheels are off. Now you must fly, little hawk. Now you must prosper or die trying. But if I see you comin' down ma hood with your passive-aggressive B.S, then I'm fight you. I'll throw all your lunches into the bin, I'll trim the petals off of all your beloved chrysanthemums, I'll take a whizz in your swimming pool - because I'm too poor to afford one. FUCK YOU SOCIETY. \n\nSo create a little entropy, just don't hurt yourself or others...and DEFINITELY do not hurt James Blunt. Just fart in his general direction.\n\nIf you found this guide helpful and now feel that you have enough knowledge to start your very own successful Muffin business, then please donate just a few dollars to my favourite charity which helps feed impoverished children in the third world: slutroulette/bbwgranniesontour. \n\nThank you for listening, you've been a great audience and if you come round my house in about an hour, then you may participate in my drug-fuelled dominatrix orgy. Just bring tangy-cheese doritos and a bottle of bacon-flavoured spermicidal lube.\n\nStay sexy, you beautiful bastard\n\nLove from your lamb",
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      "body": "I love your optimism! Like I said to Liberosist, most of this is tongue-in-cheek as I'm sure you know, with a little histrionic exaggeration on the side because I love a good moan.\n\nI will make a recipe for you! It will be paella which will be none-authentic, which if an actual Spanish person saw, would have me killed with chorizo colonoscopy!\n\nYes I need lightsaber duels! Darth Lamb will be ruler of the galaxy mwhahahaha Do you think that they should implement force choke too? Or is that too much?\n\nMuch love dude and thanks for reading. I WILL share my tic tacs with you. Not even my own mother lamb has that privilege!",
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