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      "author": "maitezamora",
      "body": "This post is a continuation to the post ‘<a href=\"https://steemit.com/parenting/@maitezamora/zombie-mode-or-how-we-choose-to-be-incapacitated\">Zombie-Mode| How we Choose to be Incapacitated</a>’ wherein I opened up my ‘Zombie-Mode’ experience that I would find myself stuck in from time to time. It’s an experience of feeling tired, lethargic, wanting to ‘save your batteries’, feeling listless, bored, uninterested, wanting to do nothing. Interestingly, it’s my daughter and seeing how this state of mind stood square against my intentions of what kind of mother I want to be, that led me to question this state of mind and state of being that I slip into and ‘feels so comfortable’ – yet, in reality was causing me to be unable to really participate with my daughter, take part in her learning adventures and spark creative moments for her and I to learn about the world, ourselves and each other. It’s a numbing and incapacitating state of being – even if it’s just for a moment – for that moment, I wasn’t really here.\n\nSo, I opened up this experience with the help of Self-Forgiveness, unearthing some really interesting dimensions in terms of understanding what this experience really consisted of and why I had created it. After letting go of this pattern with Self-Forgiveness, I decided to learn and practice to live the word Zest instead, a 4 step-process you can read about below!\n\n[edgar-castrejon-459807-unsplash.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmbumJ2tCTg3cQGDFkjMHxkdpLxEayosMgmDKFzTuxNsVw/edgar-castrejon-459807-unsplash.jpg)\n\n&nbsp;\n<h2>1. Defining the word Zest</h2>\nMy first step is to find out what my current definition and understanding of the word Zest is. My current definition can be a nice sentence or an incoherent set of associations (depending on how I learnt or assigned a meaning to this word while growing up). To find out, I look at what comes up within me when speaking, reading &amp; writing the word.\n\nWhen speaking the word:\n\nThe words Best &amp; Test come up, together with excitement and fear. Best with excitement – test with fear. To me, this relates to putting myself out there or taking on something new, the start of something of which I don’t yet know how it’s going to pan out, but there’s that excitement and desire for something great/awesome/best to come through, yet at the same time fear, doubt and uncertainty at the thought/possibility of failing, letting someone down, making mistakes, bumping into my own weaknesses, etc…\n\nHere I can see how I polarized the word ‘Zest’, giving it both a positive and a (hidden) negative charge. Depending on whether my excitement or my fear was predominant – I would either experience zest and start something new/put myself out there/be expressive/explorative, etc – or I would hold back, hide, try to become invisible, stay within my comfort zones and routines.\n\nWhen writing the word:\n\nNothing specific came up when I wrote the word, there was just this slight experience of ‘strangeness’, like I don’t really know this word, or have much of a relationship with this word or what it would mean to express this word as myself.\n\nWhen reading the word:\n\nWhen reading the word, interestingly the letters E-S-T popped out at me, and from here reminding me of a friend, and, interestingly enough, if I had to pick anyone in my life that I thought embodies the word Zest – it would be her, lol.\n\n&nbsp;\n<h2>2. Purifying the Word ‘Zest’</h2>\nBefore I proceed to redefining the word, I’m going to quickly release the old definition/associations with some Self-Forgiveness:\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have polarized the word ‘zest’ within a desire and excitement due to seeing a potential and wanting/hoping for something awesome/new/best to come through on the positive end, and within a fear, doubt, uncertainty at the thought/possibility of failing, making mistakes, not reaching goals, letting myself/others down, bumping into my own weaknesses, etc. on the negative end of the polarity.\n\nI forgive myself that I have never really accepted and allowed myself to consider what it would mean to live the word ‘zest’ as an expression of myself but have only ever experienced it through/as the result of positive energy driving me/pushing me/motivating me to start something new, to put myself out there, to savour life, to be expressive and explorative, etc. and so, I forgive myself for not considering what it would mean to with awareness decide to live the word ‘zest’ instead of being at the mercy of positive feelings or negative emotions.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘zest’ as something that exists in other people, but not in me.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that for me to live the word ‘zest’ I need to act like/copy the expression of people like E, who, in my eyes naturally embody and live this word – instead of opening up, investigating and redefining this word for and as myself, to find out what it would mean for ME to integrate this word in my day-to-day living and life.\n\n&nbsp;\n<h2>3. Redefining the Word ‘Zest’</h2>\nAll righty, in this step I will consult resources and play with the sound of the word to come to a clear definition of the word ‘zest’ in terms of this word’s living expression.\n\nDictionary Definition\n<ol>\n \t<li>keen relish; hearty enjoyment; gusto.</li>\n \t<li>an agreeable or piquant flavour imparted to something</li>\n \t<li>anything added to impart flavour, enhance one’s appreciation, etc.</li>\n \t<li>piquancy; interest; charm.</li>\n \t<li>liveliness or energy; animating spirit.</li>\n \t<li>the peel, especially the thin outer peel, of a citrus fruit used for flavoring: lemon zest.</li>\n</ol>\n\nEtymology (origin of the word)\n\n<strong>zest (n.)</strong>\n\n1670s, from French zeste \"piece of orange or lemon peel used as a flavoring,\" of unknown origin. Sense of \"thing that adds flavor\" is 1709; that of \"keen enjoyment\" first attested 1791.\n\nSounding the word\n\nZest – Best\n\nZest – buzzing Zzzz sound, like buzzing potential\n\n<strong>My New Definition:</strong>\n\n<strong>To approach a moment as an active participant, a co-creator, to both add flavour/spicing to the moment as well as savor the moment fully.</strong>\n\n&nbsp;\n<h2>4. Living the Word ‘Zest’</h2>\nIt’s interesting how quickly that definition came about – I used to take FOREEEEVVVVEEER to come up with a new definition – being so pre-occupied with ‘getting it right’ and ‘wanting it to be perfect’ instead of trusting myself and allowing the definition of a word to reflect me and where I’m at currently. Anyway J - just a self-note there to acknowledge my own process and progress with redefining and living words, how initially it was really tough and felt like the most awkward/alien thing to do, and now is like second-nature – woohoow!\n\nWith having a new definition, I’ll specify a bit how I will start introducing this word in my day-to-day life:\n\nIn moments with Syntia where we are doing the same thing for the so-many-th-time where I am getting bored with the activity and not wanting to really engage - to take a breath and actively look at how I can bring myself into it, how I can add new flavour to it/ ‘spice up’ this moment – change the inputs/ingredients – to cook up a wholly or slightly different experience and outcome, both for me and Syntia. Here I want to challenge myself to go further than being stable and ‘being there’ for her – by bringing in my playfulness, expression, exploration and creatvitiy – which doesn’t have to be this huge effort or thing, it can also just be a pinch – but to move myself to take part and together with Syntia create the moment as well as enjoy the moment fully.\n\nLooking forward to it :D. In time I’ll post an update to let you know how this is going!!",
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      "body": "At times parenthood means sleepless nights, irregular sleep patterns, and being pushed to the brink of exhaustion. You'll feel tired cause you are tired and really need to take it easy. But there are other times when we feel tired, feel like we have no energy and feel like we just want to slouch around... for no apparent reason. This post is about that.\n \n​​![kat-j-525332-unsplash.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmbrcTmJDjDeuey8kMKuufNJmDwqsKQgwp2SXemUMVESvZ/kat-j-525332-unsplash.jpg)\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to linger and indulge in this experience of not wanting to do anything, of feeling like I am too tired to do anything, of just “wanting to do nothing”.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself and others with the statement ‘I am so tired’ – when as soon as I speak the words and I hear myself say them, I actually know deep-down that I am not truly physically tired, but that I am finding myself in an energy-based simulation of actual tiredness, an experience that I created myself, that I then use as a reason, excuse and justification to just… do nothing.\n\nI forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how bizarre it is that I make myself believe that I am tired when I am not truly tired, and to actually be okay with feeling this way, not really trying all that hard to get out of this experience and see what I can DO today, what I can EXPLORE, what I can LEARN, what I can CREATE.\n\nI forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to create a general attitude of boredom, indifference and apathy towards life.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that it is easier to just not care about life and to not really participate in it, than to do things, try things, put myself out there, only to get disappointed and hurt in the process – instead of realizing that I still determine who I am within hardship, adversity, mistakes, chaos, trouble and I can decide to learn and grow from it instead of reacting in disappointment and defeat.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make hardship, adversity, mistakes, chaos and trouble out to be more than me, like some HUGE THING that I can do nothing about, in so doing, separating myself from the very point that firstly, I created, and secondly, is here for me to take responsibility for, learn from and correct in my living expression.\n\nI forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that by changing my starting point, my approach and my attitude towards challenges, adversity, hardship, chaos, mistakes, trouble, etc – they become gifts, each one an opportunity for learning, expanding, growing and creating, the solutions that I find, design and live each time becoming a part of me that I take with me for the rest of my life.\n\nI forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that being incapacitated is not limited to being under the influence of alcohol or drugs, where I am now no longer able to respond, act or move myself in a particular way (and where I can now no longer be trusted to do certain things!!) – I can equally be incapacitated by my internal experiences, where a state of mind or an emotion or feeling reaction in a moment hampers and/or disables my capacity to do what is best for myself and others in any given moment.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for who or what is to blame for my experience of total and utter apathy, looking for something or someone else to blame for incapacitating me and so rendering me unable to effectively support myself and others.\n\nI forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that there is nothing or no-one else to blame for who I am, and that I have in fact created this experience of apathy, listlessness, indifference and carelessness all by myself, for myself.\n\nI forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that on some level, I choose to be incapacitated so that I can always blame my experience of apathy, listlessness, indifference and carelessness for why I am not effectively supporting and creating myself, or supporting my child – where I can then even blame other people in my backchat with the statement – ‘well you shouldn’t have trusted me to take care of our/my child when I was obviously not feeling well’.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slip on my Zombie-suit whenever I think or feel that a change or challenge may be about to present itself on the horizon of my life – effectively using the experience of apathy, listlessness, indifference and carelessness as a protection and defence mechanism, because if I don’t care, if I don’t feel, if I don’t experience, then nothing can apparently ‘touch me’ and I apparently cannot get hurt – all the while not realizing, seeing and understanding how my very Zombie-mode incapacitates me, hampers me, diminishes me, and so in fact hurts me as well as the people in my life.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act and pretend as though my experiences and my mood are a great mystery to me, as though I am just a victim in the throes of my inner storms that I have seemingly no power or ability to influence or change – conveniently allowing myself to indulge in emotional and mental states of diminishment whenever it suits my self-interest.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish by simply indulging and participating in emotional and mental states when they present themselves in me, automatically accepting them as ‘who and how I am right now’ even though I am in a position of being responsible to myself and my child – and even as I see and feel how much harder it is to actually take effective care of my child, to even then just complain about the state of mind/state of being I am in and complain about how hard this is for me, but take zero responsibility and do absolutely nothing to move myself out of it – in a way abandoning my child to entertain him/herself, “because I am incapacitated”.\n\nI forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the energetic state of my Zombie-mode is essentially fear in a different form.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear life.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be responsible for myself and my child.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own possible future emotional reactions towards a possible/potential/theoretical issue, problem, challenge in the future.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divert all of my energy (and so capacity) into creating and hiding in this energetic state so that I may be shielded ‘from life’ – but actually, in reality, be shielded from my own reactions to what life may bring, and so, actually, be shielded from myself.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have repeated this pattern of hiding in apathy over and over in my life, to the point where I have come to believe that it is acceptable to go through life like a zombie, no matter for how long or how short a period in time – when in reality, for that time, I was simply not present, not here, not living.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame life for ‘making me this way’ – not realizing that I am too afraid to actually really live, and haven’t really lived for a very long time, whereas if I look at how my child moves herself in her body through space and time: with eagerness, curiosity, courage, zest, delight, intensity, openness, perseverance and joy – I KNOW that I can be so much more, can express so much more, can live so much more.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slip on my Zombie-suit whenever there is nothing to entertain my mind and all that I have to do is to be here in my physical body, be present, breathe, feel my body.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need mental challenges and stimulation and that it is the lack of said stimulation that leads me to being and feeling like a Zombie, because I am apparently bored out of my skull – when in reality, I resist being present in my physical body, I resist simply being here.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate my body to fear of getting physically hurt.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my relationship with my body according to memories of physically getting hurt and therefore, instead of learning to be more in my body, more aware of my body, I instead started to resist my body and try to escape it by more and more focusing on entertaining my thoughts, emotions and feelings.\n\nI forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a relationship with my body based on how my body looks and how well my body has ‘served me’ in helping me attain and fulfill all my desires and points of self-interest – never actually getting to know my body for what and ‘who’ my body is as a physical manifestation and expression of life.\n\nI forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my apprehension and fear of and towards life is mirrored in my relationship with my body.\n\n\nThe word I choose to live instead: ZEST\n\nTo be continued.",
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