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      "body": "Congratulations @lukedawg74! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@lukedawg74/birthday1.png</td><td>1 Year on Steemit</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_[Click here to view your Board of Honor](https://steemitboard.com/@lukedawg74)_</sub>\n\n\n**Do not miss the last post from @steemitboard:**\n<table><tr><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemfest/@steemitboard/meet-the-steemians-contest-the-results-the-winners-and-the-prizes\"><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/64x128/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmeLukvNFRsa7RURqsFpiLGEZZD49MiU52JtWmjS5S2wtW/image.png\"></a></td><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemfest/@steemitboard/meet-the-steemians-contest-the-results-the-winners-and-the-prizes\">Meet the Steemians Contest - The results, the winners and the prizes</a></td></tr><tr><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemfest/@steemitboard/meet-the-steemians-contest-special-attendees-revealed\"><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/64x128/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmeLukvNFRsa7RURqsFpiLGEZZD49MiU52JtWmjS5S2wtW/image.png\"></a></td><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemfest/@steemitboard/meet-the-steemians-contest-special-attendees-revealed\">Meet the Steemians Contest - Special attendees revealed</a></td></tr></table>\n\n> Support [SteemitBoard's project](https://steemit.com/@steemitboard)! **[Vote for its witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1)** and **get one more award**!",
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      "body": "Today felt like a series small wins and nosebleeds. I haven't been very inspired to share lately. I'm still wondering what I'm doing here, I bet you are too. All I can say is I'm up for trying almost anything to cope and move forward these days. Guess maybe that's what I'm doing here.\nI've been learning to live again with pain. I know I sound like a wuss. But the majority of the last ten years I had a crutch, if I'm honest I'll still was pretty miserable. I hate when the pain becomes my single focus. Forces it's way to the front of my brain.  Sometimes it's kind of a good thing having a touch of ADD. Usually, if I keep moving my mind will jump to any number of things and the pain is in the background. Just when it's more than distracting when it becomes so intense. \nI am now learning about mindfulness or meditation. I'm also learning a new language or trying to anyways. Enroled in the local community college. Might even learn how to write, just sayin. I'm just trying to get my mind and body into the best possible shape moving forwards and it does help me to live with the pain again. I still have today and gotta see what I can do with it. \nAnyways if you stuck around to read my whatever this is. Thanks",
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      "body": "Disclaimer I can't write, not a blogger and don't know what I'm doing here. But here goes. \nI have been trying the last couple days to take inventory of this last year. Let's see. Well, the beginning of the year I had made some headway starting to break several years of depression. I started learning \"mindfulness\" techniques to cope with my chronic pain. While still taking a reduced level of morphine\" I was on that shit for most of the last ten years\". I had begun to go back to work. I'm self-employed so that means started to make a little money again. I had accepted that I needed some help because trying for so long to fix myself didn't work. Acceptance was my theme for the 1st couple of months. \nThen spring came. Started with losing my mother. When she passed I was taking three different antidepressants, morphine, and benzos. While I was somewhat devastated by her passing, the drugs had made me more of an emotional zombie I think. Somewhere deep inside the pain was there but found out much later it was masked. Dark thoughts of suicide began to creep into my everyday. My physical pain seemed to intensify. New health concerns popped up. Crazy things I never had to deal with before. Started to need and or want more drugs to \"cope\". Not realizing that I had taken a serious turn for the worst. Burned through a lot of money that I shouldn't of. All the while retreating farther from the people I still had in my life that cared about me. The progress I had made in the few months before evaporated. The hopelessness had taken over and complete absence of joy in my life was daily. My loved ones feared that I was going to give up completely. And honestly not sure how or why I didn't end it all.\nSummer began and really don't remember much. My drug use both legal and not was overshadowing everything. I was killing myself slowly I think, as I look back. At the time I just wanted the pain and suffering to STOP. But I just made it all worse. Didn't want my wife and kids to know how deep I had sunk. So I began to lie about my feelings and the drugs. That led to lying about the money. And so on and so on. And I didn't fool anyone. Before I knew it I had become someone I didn't recognize anymore. Everything was tainted and I was drowning. My wife had begun to try anything to save me from myself. Hiding the keys to the car because she was scared for me to drive. Insomnia had begun not sleeping for days at a time. Belligerent denial was my response to every attempt to talk to me. I was lost in my own mind and losing a grip on reality. I didn't want to see or feel what I had become. This was going to end one way.\nFall had come. And something happened that I needed. And I didn't know it at the time. But now I know for sure. My Doctor for the last several years, because of fear of the new political climate cut off my meds cold turkey. That was a pivotal day in my 43yrs here on earth. I was forced to make a choice. Not sure how I made the 15 min drive home to an empty house from that appointment. The fear of what was to come next was overwhelming. Not just the withdrawals but the fear of the pain and what was my life going to become now. I had no hope for something better. No real reason to expect things to get better. As I pondered what direction to go, strait to heroin? To just say fuck it all and kill myself? Not sure if it was the anger inside or maybe providence. But that day I decided to live, to change  what I could and live with what I couldn't in the best way possible.\nToday the day after Christmas I have made changes. I stopped taking all the drugs the doctors  where giving. Everything, the pain meds, antidepressants, benzos. I have to face the pain everyday. The physical and mental. No hiding, no taking the \"edge off\". All I had done to escape had trapped me. NO MORE! I have begun to exercise everyday, it helps the pain. I now eat healthy. Those two things have helped to lose weight. That also helps decrease the pain. Radical honesty is what I practice now. Especially with myself. Dealing with the feelings that I have diluted for so long. Embarrassment, shame, anger, resentment, there are so many. But now joy, peace, fulfillment, and hope I can feel those now too. And I  can actively increase the positive things. Make no mistake it's not easy and I didn't get all fucked up overnight and I won't get better overnight either. \nBut if your reading this, we have today. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow isn't here yet, and today I can do it. Bring on 2018!",
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      "body": "Quick disclaimer I'm not a blogger, writer, and can barely read. I don't know what it is I'm doing here. So hope you have low expectations.\nHave you ever been the last to see what you've done to someone you love? Have you ever been trapped in your own pain, not realizing the pain you cause others? \nI've been recently introduced to a new reality that I created. New to me anyways. Not so much to my wife or family. \nTo think that just two months ago I was oblivious to anything but my depression and pain. So selfish is the disease, I really thought everyone but me was fine. I didn't or couldn't see through the cloud of meds and defeatist thoughts, that the people closest to me were affected just as much by my illness. The long sleepless nights, followed by days in bed. The absolute indifference I felt towards everything and everyone.  The absence of joy in everything. My pain was my only focus for so long.  \nI find myself med free (opioids, antidepressants, benzos). And I've been addressing some of the areas of my life that I had abandoned. My mental and physical health just to name two. Everyday I am mindful to take an active step towards healing. But there is a lot of wreckage laying around it seems.\nMy dear wife who has stood by me with a balled up fist, fighting for the both of us for so very long. She is having some issues being able to trust what she sees when she looks at me these days. Recently I've have struggled with the guilt, shame, and regret that I feel looking back at the last ten years. While I know that I really need to focus on what it is that I must do today. It's still there not far from my mind.\nShe can see right through me, always could. When I feel some of these old feelings of inadequacy, shame, and guilt. I am now aware of how on edge she becomes. Waiting for the shoe to drop I think. Lots of questions, \"Are you ok?, Whats wrong? How are you feeling?\" Questions that I don't always want to answer. Or just not sure how to answer honestly.\nI want desperately to feel strong and confident. For her sake. Just to ease her mind if possible.  I have made some headway, but don't have to look far to see the damage I have caused. It's there. I must find away to establish a new normal for her and myself.\nAnd so I will keep moving forward, trying not to look back too much. I pray for strength and wisdom these days. Soon, I hope it comes. \nAnyway if you have taken time to read this, thank you. But remember you probably shouldn't have. \nBelow is my buddy Oscar. He has helped to save me from myself. It's amazing the unconditional love you can feel from a four legged friend.  ![2014-11-26 09.56.49.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmTjCpHpGSG5bV7YeX412DC62EhDSEKpCySDDhU6Uh9VDr/2014-11-26%2009.56.49.jpg)",
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      "body": "As today began, I woke to the all familiar pain through-out my lower back. But it was the first night that I could sleep in the last three. So progress right?  We will go with that.\n\nWhile the last couple of weeks I've been all over the map emotionally and physically. I have reached a certain level of acceptance with that. Having come off a high level of pain meds will do that to you I guess. \n\nBut this morning waking to the constant beat of the pain pulsing through me. I realized that my new reality was something I needed to change towards the positive. As I sit here I am a 43yr old man that weighs in at just over 313 lbs. My spine is damaged but my weight is compounding my issues. I have read a little about my situation and have been told that exercise would help with my pain level and obviously losing some pounds could only help. The problem is that I've been fat my entire life. It has been a losing battle for me for as long as I can remember. \n\nSo today I came up with a plan. After seeing the documentary \"Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.\" I am inspired to make some changes. I am going to replace two meals a day with fresh veggie juice from a juicer. I got a gym membership with one that has a pool. I plan on swimming my way to a skinnier me. It should be less impactful on my back and plenty impactful on my fat! So here goes! It's time I do it. Wish me some luck.",
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      "body": "@@ -205,17 +205,17 @@\n  somethi\n-m\n+n\n g worth \n",
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      "body": "Thanks we will see. I'm just doing this for me, and if someone out there resonates with where I'm at in my journey well that's a bonus for sure. Hopefully I'll figure out the markdown style and can put up somethimg worth looking at someday lol",
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      "author": "steemitboard",
      "body": "Congratulations @lukedawg74! You have completed some achievement on Steemit and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :\n\n[![](https://steemitimages.com/70x80/http://steemitboard.com/notifications/comments.png)](http://steemitboard.com/@lukedawg74) Award for the number of comments\n\nClick on any badge to view your own Board of Honor on SteemitBoard.\nFor more information about SteemitBoard, click [here](https://steemit.com/@steemitboard)\n\nIf you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word `STOP`\n\n> By upvoting this notification, you can help all Steemit users. Learn how [here](https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/http-i-cubeupload-com-7ciqeo-png)!",
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      "body": "Today I had a little breakthrough. Ever since getting off pain meds and breaking out of a very long depression. I found myself kinda overwhelmed here the last few days. Just a barrage of emotions from everywhere. Yesterday it was my moms passing away earlier this year. The day before that. It was the emotional damage I had caused my wife and kids, that had taken center stage in my head. And before that, I was introduced to a myriad of things that I had left unattended or outright ignored (work, finances, relationships, my health). All because I couldn't deal with my chronic pain, the damn pain meds, or the very long deep depression from the combination of both. \n\nBut today when I woke this morning, I had a bit of a reprieve from the guilt, grief, and shame. Today I made a list of all I have left in my life to be thankful for. I could see that not all is lost. I could see I have today to effect some positive changes in my life. And made a list of things that I can take action on. While the list is long. I just needed to do one thing at a time. Put one foot in front of the other. And in doing so I now have a plan. A direction towards peace of mind and a little accomplishment along the way. As of now, I feel better knowing I have a direction in which to go. I'm not stuck regretting the past. But can focus on the present. And give my mind something else to do rather than bet myself up.\n\nHaving a plan and implementing it knocks things down to a manageable level. And it gives some peace. \nSo as today comes to an end. I'm looking forward to what I can do tomorrow. And that's my new reality. And I am greatful for it!",
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      "body": "Thank you,  I appreciate that. I've have been working on it. It seems to be a slow thing to work through. But I'll get there. I'm sure.",
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      "body": "She can hear you. Know that she knows. She doesn't want your sadness or your guilt. To make her happy, try to be happy,  ok? <3",
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      "body": "Here comes another attempt at pulling the chaos from my mind and locking it down here. For the world to see, or ignore if I'm lucky.  \n   It has been little more than a month 1/2  since I broke free from a decade of pain meds and depression. While I have made some drastic positive changes. Today as I write this I am struggling with staying focused on today and what I've got to do to move forward both mentally, physically. Not far removed from the black hole of the last decade. And honestly, I fear being pulled back in. It's such a two-edged sword, to finally come around and open my eyes to be free of the fog. Only to see the damaged state of my life and those around me. Having the \"honest\" discussions with my better half. About where we are at in our 26yr. marriage. And the level of trauma I created with my selfish depression and chemical dependency. The inability to be there emotionally for her and forcing her to watch as I struggled every day. I recently found out my wife would often check in on me when I slept. Sometimes several times a night, never being able to relax. Her constant worry if I would wake or not. I thought for so many years of only my pain. I couldn't see how I was affecting my wife and children. Now my eyes are open.\n  This leaves me here. The guilt I carry could very well consume me. As a \"grown-ass\" man I have some trouble looking into the mirror these days. While I know I should focus on what I can do today. To do what I haven't been able to for so very long. To attend to others needs, while I still juggle my own. \n  Which way to go? Does the black hole win? Do I meet each day as a chance to move forward? Push threw my physical pain. And try and trust my mind again? To rebuild the relationships that mean the most to me? The answer should be obvious. And I'm sure to the outsider it's clear as day. But as the emotions flow through me, things I haven't felt in a very long time. I struggle. \n   My hope is that today, I find the strength to keep putting distance between myself and that black hole. Today is fresh and new. A gift to use as I will. Today at the very least is a chance to take a step towards a happier, healthier me. And in that direction, I will go, Today.\n   If you have taken your time to read this, thanks for taking part in my experiment. I openly admit I  have no idea what it is I'm doing here, hell I don't even know what it is I hope to accomplish with this blog stuff. But what I think and feel is here out in the open. However, jumbled and disorganized it may be. \n   Please leave a comment if you like. All are welcome to. See ya next time... Oh and this is Oscar below, my unconditional friend and he says Hi![2014-11-26 09.56.46.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmUC6MdxDyxwKtfrTkaoKLSmsd7fq99iYvFiQbv9EEJM2j/2014-11-26%2009.56.46.jpg)",
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