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      "body": "Congratulations @lizadez! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@lizadez/birthday3.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 3 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@lizadez) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=lizadez)_</sub>\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "Congratulations @lizadez! You have received a personal award!\n\n[![](https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@lizadez/birthday2.png)](http://steemitboard.com/@lizadez)  2 Years on Steemit\n<sub>_Click on the badge to view your Board of Honor._</sub>\n\n\n**Do not miss the last post from @steemitboard:**\n[SteemitBoard World Cup Contest - Semi Finals - Day 1](https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/steemitboard-world-cup-contest-semi-finals-day-1)\n\n---\n**Participate in the [SteemitBoard World Cup Contest](https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/steemitboard-world-cup-contest-collect-badges-and-win-free-sbd)!**\nCollect World Cup badges and win free SBD\nSupport the Gold Sponsors of the contest: [@good-karma](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=good-karma&approve=1) and [@lukestokes](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=lukestokes.mhth&approve=1)\n\n---\n\n> Do you like [SteemitBoard's project](https://steemit.com/@steemitboard)? Then **[Vote for its witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1)** and **get one more award**!",
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      "body": "**There**. **Is**. **No**. **Rape**. **Culture**. **In**. **The**. **West**.\n\n[Antidote to this nonsense](https://steemit.com/rape/@chadalmighty/there-is-no-rape-culture-in-the-west)\n\n![](https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Ftse2.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DOIP.M413cf7c2e1414ed5e61fea4474169a1ao2%26pid%3D15.1&f=1)",
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      "author": "lizadez",
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      "title": "What Rape Culture is Really About",
      "body": "<html>\n<p>Here is an<em> extraordinarily </em>wise piece about masculinity, posted by <strong>Nora Samaran</strong> on Dating Tips For the Feminist Man on 11/02/16. A fabulous dissection of how our culture fails us all - and what to do about it:</p>\n<p>https://norasamaran.com/2016/02/11/the-opposite-of-rape-culture-is-nurturance-culture-2/</p>\n<p>&nbsp;The opposite of masculine rape culture is masculine nurturance culture:&nbsp;men* increasing their capacity&nbsp;to nurture, and becoming whole. The Ghomeshi trial is back in the news, and it brings violent sexual assault back into people’s minds and daily conversations. Of course violence is wrong,&nbsp;even when the court&nbsp;system for handling it is a disaster. That part seems evident. Triggering, but evident.But there&nbsp;is a bigger picture here. I am struggling to&nbsp;see the full&nbsp;shape emerging&nbsp;in the&nbsp;pencil rubbing, when only parts are visible at a time.A meme going around says ‘Rape is about violence, not sex. If someone were to hit you with a spade, you wouldn’t call it gardening.’ And this is true. But it is just the surface of the truth. The depths say something more, something about violence.Violence is nurturance turned backwards.These things&nbsp;are connected, they must be connected. Violence and nurturance&nbsp;are two sides of the same coin. I struggle to understand this even as I write it. Compassion for self and compassion for others grow together and are connected; this means that&nbsp;men&nbsp;finding and recuperating the lost parts of themselves will heal everyone.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>If a lot of men grow up learning not to love their true selves, learning that their own healthy attachment needs (emotional safety, nurturance, connection, love, trust) are weak and wrong – that anyone’s attachment, or emotional safety, needs are weak and wrong – this&nbsp;can lead&nbsp;to two things.1. They may&nbsp;be less able&nbsp;to experience women as whole people with intelligible&nbsp;needs and feelings (for autonomy, for emotional safety, for attunement, for trust).2. They may be&nbsp;less able&nbsp;to make sense of&nbsp;their own needs for connection, transmuting them instead into distorted but more socially mirrored&nbsp;forms.To heal rape culture, then, men build masculine nurturance skills: nurturance and recuperation of their true selves,&nbsp;and nurturance of the people of all genders around them.I am discovering a secret, slowly: the men I know who are&nbsp;exceptionally nurturing lovers, fathers, coworkers, close friends to their friends, who know how to make people feel safe, have almost no outlets through which to&nbsp;learn or share&nbsp;this hardwon skill&nbsp;with&nbsp;other men. They may have had a role model at home, if they are lucky, in the form of an exceptionally nurturing father, but if they do not have this model they have had to figure everything out through trial and error, alone, or by learning&nbsp;with&nbsp;women rather than men. This&nbsp;knowledge&nbsp;shapes everything: assumptions about the significance of needs, how one ought to respond to them, what closeness feels like, how to love your own soul, and what kind of nurturance is actually meant&nbsp;to happen in intimate space.</p>\n<p>Meanwhile, the men I know who are kind, goodhearted people, but who are earlier on in growing into their own&nbsp;models for self-love and learning how&nbsp;to comfort and nurture others, have no&nbsp;men to ask. Growing entails growing pains, certainly, but the way can be smoothed when one does not have to learn everything alone.Men do not talk to one another about nurturance skills: doing so feels too intimate, or the codes of masculinity make doing so too frightening.&nbsp;If they can’t ask and teach each other – if they can’t even find out which other men in their lives would welcome these conversations – then how do they learn?Men&nbsp;have capacities to heal that are particularly masculine and particularly healing. They often are not fully aware&nbsp;of this deep gift and how helpful it can be for those close to them, whether family or close friends.To completely transform this&nbsp;culture of misogyny, then, men must do more than ‘not assault.’ We must call on masculinity to become whole and nurturing of self and others, to recognize that attachment needs are healthy and normal and not ‘female,’ and thus to expect of men to heal themselves and others the same way we expect women to ‘be nurturers.’ It is time men recognize and nurture their own healing gifts</p>\n<p>In Ursula K. Leguin’s book&nbsp;<em>Gifts</em>, an entire culture lives by the rule of what they call ‘gifts’ – powers to do harm – possessed by certain of its members. Some families possess gifts of Unmaking, where they can turn a farmer’s field into a blackened waste or a puppy into a sack of dissolved flesh. Some possess the ability to create a wasting illness, or blindness, or the gift of calling animals to the hunt.By the book’s end, the child at its centre has struggled, against all signs in his culture, to realize something profound and fundamental.&nbsp;The gift they call Unmaking is actually a gift of Making, turned backwards upon&nbsp;itself and rendered unthinkingly into a weapon. The gift of calling&nbsp;animals is turned into a way to&nbsp;hunt them, when it is meant to let&nbsp;humans&nbsp;understand animals and live in balance with them. The wasting disease is the backwards use of a gift of healing illness and old age. He finally asks his sister and closest confidant: what if we are using our gifts&nbsp;<em>backwards</em>? To harm instead of to help? What if they were meant to be used the other way around?Nothing in the boy’s culture would tell him this is so. His entire society has been built around fear of these gifts used as weapons. Yet he has seen his father use the gift of&nbsp;Unmaking ‘in reverse’&nbsp;to gently undo a knot or mend a creaking gate. His best friend’s gift of calling animals also gives her an aversion to hunting them, an aversion she must&nbsp;overrule in herself to meet her culture’s expectations. These images knock on the door of his mind until he makes sense of them; he has to struggle to see the truth without a single signpost or mentor to help him find this knowledge. Nothing in his world reflects this reality back to him, and yet it is real. He at first can hardly believe it or understand it.</p>\n<p>Something odd happens when you google ‘man comforting a woman.’&nbsp;Many&nbsp;of the&nbsp;top hits are about women comforting men. (try it.) The ‘suggested search’ terms too:&nbsp;‘how to comfort a guy, how to comfort a man when he’s stressed, how to comfort a guy when he’s upset.’&nbsp;Apparently lots and lots of people on planet earth are googling how to comfort men… and fewer are googling how to comfort women. Strange, isn’t it, since this culture views women as ‘the emotional ones’ and men as the strong ones. Perhaps something is a bit backwards here.I tried to find an image that would capture the way men have actually comforted me, which for me is the most intimate image of holding me in their arms, skin on skin like a young baby, rocking or singing, letting me be at my most vulnerable, held safe. There when needed, when it matters.&nbsp;I&nbsp;could find only one image that looked remotely like the real thing.Could it be that a lot of men have no models for how to nurture, comfort, soothe, and thus strengthen people&nbsp;they care about? If you happen to not have a highly nurturing model at home, where would you learn how to nurture? A top search hit&nbsp;is a bewildered humour piece about how utterly terrifying and confusing it is when a woman cries and about how men have no idea what to do. Could it be that the things that come naturally to many of us –&nbsp;hold&nbsp;the person,&nbsp;look at them with loving, accepting eyes, bring them food, hot tea, or medicine – that these are unfamiliar terrain for some, can’t even be imagined, let alone acted on consistently?These things seem connected to me. And here is where my friend <a href=\"http://www.rebekahhart.ca/\">Rebekah</a>, a drama&nbsp;therapist, comes in, who one day handed me the books&nbsp;<em>Hold Me Tight</em>&nbsp;and&nbsp;<em>A General Theory of Love</em>, and&nbsp;<em>blew my mind</em>. This is where attachment theory comes in. Bear&nbsp;with me, as this takes a little background knowledge – a quick summary of these books – before I can go on.</p>\n<p><em>Attachment theory: cutting edge neuroscience</em></p>\n<p>According to H<em>old Me Tight</em> and <em>A General Theory of Love</em>, current advancements&nbsp;in neuroscience have completely transformed understandings of human relationships, from birth to death. What used to be called Freud’s ‘unconscious’&nbsp;is actually located in the body, in a knowable&nbsp;place.&nbsp;Specific understandings of how the limbic brain work have replaced old ideas about&nbsp;love as a ‘mystery.’Apparently about 50 percent of the population, people of all genders, have a secure attachment style: they were raised by responsive, attuned parents, who recognized their need to go out and explore as well as their need to come back and be comforted, and responded in a timely, attuned way to both. According to A General Theory of Love, this experience of attunement – having all their developmental needs met by attuned parents –&nbsp;literally shapes their limbic brain.These folks as adults find closeness comfortable and enjoyable, they easily desire&nbsp;intimacy, and they know how to create a secure attachment bond in which autonomy naturally emerges and daily nurturance&nbsp;is the norm. This shapes the brain in material, physiological ways. This is how you build secure attachment: through daily attunement to the subtle cues of other people, and lavishing love and care while letting them come and go as needed. In this kind of connection, you know your home base is always there for you, so you feel comfortable going out into the world, taking risks, trying new or scary&nbsp;things, because you can return to safe arms when you need to.</p>\n<p>Securely attached people know how to comfort and be there for one another when they need each other, and so they naturally know how to create&nbsp;healthy autonomy and healthy intimacy, which emerge in balance as they get comfortable with one another and create trust.&nbsp;Securely&nbsp;attached people are comfortable being vulnerable; they have had positive experiences of trust. There&nbsp;can be no joy of trust without the risk of vulnerability, letting your true self show and experiencing others catching you, mirroring you, liking you, and letting you go, when you are all there, visible, open.Just like the first time you walk on ice or sit on a new chair, at first your muscles are clenched, waiting to see if the ground under you is secure or about to fall away.&nbsp;If the ice has always been solid, or you have never had&nbsp;a chair break under your weight, you may assume that you can relax quickly into your seat, or head out onto the ice and skate. You have no reason to think otherwise.&nbsp;If, however, you have had a chair break under you, you may think hard about sitting down again, and may take longer to relax into the secure base. If the chair has never been there for you at all, you may decide you simply don’t need chairs and prefer to stand. These are insecure attachment styles.</p>\n<p><em>Secure, Anxious, Avoidant&nbsp;</em></p>\n<p>Attachment science also has learned that about 50% of the population has an insecure attachment style; this breaks down into about 23%&nbsp;<em>anxious</em>&nbsp;and 25%&nbsp;<em>avoidant</em>&nbsp;styles, which are apparently both physiologically insecure styles, but look and feel different on the surface. The avoidant style breaks down further, into&nbsp;<em>anxious-avoidant</em>&nbsp;and&nbsp;<em>dismissive-avoidant</em>&nbsp;styles. A very small percent of&nbsp;the population, around 3%, has a style called ‘<em>disorganized</em>‘ which is a mix of the other styles.People with an&nbsp;<em>anxious</em>&nbsp;attachment style actively seek closeness and are afraid of losing it, and have a harder time trusting and knowing their partner will be there for them. The chair may have broken for them many times, or in a formative early relationship that was significant. Their limbic brains and entire autonomic nervous system is built differently than those with secure styles. They need extra reassurance and comfort to get secure and enjoy lots of closeness, especially with a new trust figure – though they have the same need for autonomy as anyone else, and it emerges as they become secure. They engage in&nbsp;‘protest behaviour,’ i.e become upset, to try to seek closeness if they cannot receive it by asking directly. However, once they are secure and feel safe, they become exceptionally loyal and loving nurturers and feel immense gratitude and loyalty to those who give them this safety.People with a&nbsp;<em>preoccupied-avoidant</em>&nbsp;style crave closeness but are afraid to show it, and will show it instead through sulking or silence, hoping&nbsp;their partner will&nbsp;guess. They can come to name their needs with a secure loving partner, but will struggle to do so.People with a&nbsp;<em>dismissive-avoidant</em>&nbsp;attachment style&nbsp;also have a need for intimacy – every mammal has this need hardwired in our limbic brains – but at a very early age they complete a transition to a belief that they are autonomous and do not feel their need for intimacy. They decide if the chair isn’t going to be there, they will just stand, thank you very much. They can come to open up and become secure as they come to recognize their distorted beliefs about intimacy, but they need lots of time, space, and compassion about how difficult this is for them.Having thoroughly repressed their attachment needs, these folks may have learned to act ‘fine’ at a very young age in order to keep a dismissive attachment figure close, or may have learned to create constant nonverbal barriers in order to keep an unattuned, invasive or dismissive attachment figure at arm’s length. They may feel suffocated or trapped when people get too close, and will unconsciously and involuntarily use ‘deactivating strategies’ – body language and facial expressions – to tell even their most intimate people&nbsp;to ‘back up’ even in the most intimate moments.In other words, <a href=\"https://norasamaran.com/2016/05/19/send-yours-nurturance-culture-in-mass-media/\">the nonverbal cues that other&nbsp;people use with strangers on the subway to maintain distance are the daily communication that dismissive-avoidant attachers use with their closest family members</a>, often without even understanding they are doing it, which may feel very confusing both to them and to those close to them. They may feel that no matter how hard they try, those who depend on them never get reassured. They may blame this on the other person and call them ‘needy’ without ever realizing the nonverbal distancing cues preventing&nbsp;secure&nbsp;attachment that are leading to the signs of ‘neediness’ in the other person.</p>\n<p><em>Nurturance,&nbsp;</em>the literature teaches us,&nbsp;recognizes and responds appropriately, in an alive, moving dance, to the other person’s need for intimacy&nbsp;<em>and</em>&nbsp;need for space, learning how to engage in nonverbal limbic communication that comforts, reassures, and breathes. In addition to talking openly and honestly, the&nbsp;quality of care that creates a feeling of safety&nbsp;happens&nbsp;in a moment-by-moment way&nbsp;through mainly nonverbal cues. The limbic brain does not use language but reads the small muscles around the eyes, the set of shoulders, the breathing, the posture, of other people.</p>\n<p><em>‘Earned Secure’ attachment: where nurturance creates growth</em></p>\n<p>It is possible to change your attachment style by creating an ‘earned secure’ attachment as an adult. It is possible to create an ‘earned secure’ attachment between&nbsp;two insecure attachers, but it takes a lot more time, effort, and compassion:&nbsp;<em>both have to recognize nurturance is entirely good and expected</em>.Of course, nothing can replace talking things over and calibrating with people you are close to. No one should be a mind reader. But it takes more than talking to change these patterns. The avoider has to risk opening up and letting their true self show in order&nbsp;to give and receive nurturance, and the anxious attacher has to trust and let go more, knowing the avoider will be back. Both of these changes are difficult; limbic responses happen very, very fast, below the conscious level and often outside of language.The easiest way to form an ‘earned secure’ attachment is by being in a relationship with a secure attacher, and learning healthy intimacy from them, in which needs are responded to as they arise. However, secure attachers usually date a few people, then pick one and settle down early. They know how to create a big warm home bond. Avoidant attachers tend to prefer anxious attachers, and anxious attachers tend to be drawn to avoidant attachers, because each reinforces the early ‘rules’ about ‘reality’ – actually just haphazard chance, what happened to be going on between them and their caregivers at the time – laid down in their limbic brains before the age of three.Shame and guilt over which kind of attachment style you have are&nbsp;completely not appropriate or called for, as one’s attachment style is wired in from an age when we are much too young to choose. It is no one’s fault. However, shame and guilt can be quite convincing even when completely uneccessary, as is the nature of shame. It can be incredibly convincing to the person experiencing it even when it is completely absurd.</p>\n<p><em>What does all this have to do with assault?</em></p>\n<p>That summary – above – is what the books say. But like the boy in Gifts, many of us are fumbling into an even bigger picture, trying to see a pattern that is just coming clear. Our culture does&nbsp;not give us many signposts. I’m trying to put things together.Fundamentally, a healthy, secure attachment style is what lets people effectively protect and care for the wellbeing of others. It allows for the skill of&nbsp;<em>attunement</em>: recognizing when someone wants to come close and when they want space, not only by asking but also by reading&nbsp;subtle nonverbal cues.Attachment styles can land in any gender, of course, and people can combine in any combination.However, when attachment styles land in particularly gendered ways, we see certain patterns emerge that are all part of the bigger pattern, and, maybe, they can be understood as part of the ‘answer’ to the question of&nbsp;violence.People&nbsp;with secure attachment styles are better at recognizing and being comfortable with this dance of approach-and-retreat, better at supporting others while letting others do what they need to do.&nbsp;They know&nbsp;deep down they are loved and loveable, and thus are more likely to be loving and nurturing towards others, both to&nbsp;<em>be there for them when needed</em>&nbsp;as sources of strength and solace, and to be able to recognize and honour when someone does or does<em>&nbsp;not</em>&nbsp;want to be touched. Shame prevents this skill from emerging.<em>We misunderstand shame</em>Attachment science tells us that human beings need&nbsp;<em>mirroring&nbsp;</em>and&nbsp;<em>containers</em>&nbsp;in others.&nbsp;Whatever is in us that does not get&nbsp;<em>mirrored,</em>&nbsp;or held in a larger container of acceptance by others, becomes a source of shame, simply for not being accepted. And if&nbsp;you have shamed something in yourself – like a normal need for intimacy – so early and so completely that you don’t even notice you are doing&nbsp;it, you will interpret that same need&nbsp;as shameful when you see it in others.&nbsp;Shame is entirely subjective, in this sense.&nbsp;This is all happening in the body, below the conscious level, not in a vague&nbsp;‘unconscious’ but in a recognizable region of the brain: the limbic brain, which does not have language.Shame and guilt unhealed and unaddressed remain powerful and, like a volcano, rise up in surprising ways. For instance, shame&nbsp;can lead&nbsp;men to shut down and run or blame women or act defensive instead of offering comfort and nurturance when someone they care about&nbsp;needs them. It can, alternately, lead men to ignore signs that someone does not want them close.These are two sides of the same system, and must be understood together, because in a culture that does not expect men to show up for&nbsp;their own emotions,&nbsp;<em>women get blamed for unaddressed&nbsp;male shame.&nbsp;</em>In other words, it seems possible that shame and guilt, left subterranean, interrupt attunement, and&nbsp;can lead&nbsp;to an inability or unwillingness to properly respond to the needs of others, whether for nurturance&nbsp;or for space.&nbsp;I mean the really deep, structural kind of shame, that is so old and convincing, it doesn’t even appear as anything in particular. It just appears as ‘the way the world is,’ laid down in patterns in the limbic brain. This kind of shame hides, appears as nothing in particular, until questioned&nbsp;with compassion and curiosity, deeply, in safe company.</p>\n<p><em>Anxious attachment styles and the mystery of human relating</em></p>\n<p>In a patriarchal, misogynist culture, both of these imbalances (which&nbsp;are common to all&nbsp;humans),&nbsp;<em>when they appear&nbsp;in men,</em>&nbsp;are laid in&nbsp;<em>women’s</em>&nbsp;laps as&nbsp;blame&nbsp;and misogyny when men do not do their own emotional healing.I am making sense of this, bit by bit, seeing the pattern emerge. For instance: men&nbsp;with anxious attachment styles may feel distress when an attachment figure seeks to back up a little, or a lot,&nbsp;and&nbsp;may not develop&nbsp;a healthy capacity to recognize and respond appropriately to someone’s nonverbal cues communicating the need for space.They may come closer or become upset as the other person signals their need to disengage. If&nbsp;a man who happens to have&nbsp;an anxious attachment style does not know how to understand and accept&nbsp;his own needs for nurturance, he may attack a woman for rejecting him. The typical ‘hello, cutie,’ on the street followed almost instantly with ‘fine, be that way, bitch’ is an example many of us will be familiar with.They may not notice or register or in extreme cases be concerned that someone they want to touch has frozen up, is giving off signals of paralysis or distress. Thus we sometimes find men who don’t think of themselves as ‘bad men’ who nonetheless rape and assault: their partners, girlfriends, wives, or women on a first or second date. (This is how the majority of assaults happen, of course: the ‘man jumping out of the bushes’ while more spectacular is much more rare.)&nbsp;They may resort to seeking power-over and dominance, because normal intimacy needs, when distorted and denied, come out in distorted ways.&nbsp;They are caught up in their own pain and can’t name it, or find appropriate avenues for it, and given the larger social norms that centre men’s experiences, this imbalance doesn’t get addressed as an imbalance but instead gets projected out into the world. A society that actively, financially, politically, socially, privileges traits it deems ‘masculine’ – nonemotionality, strength, independence – and actively disparages traits it deems ‘feminine’ – interdependence, nurturance – has few ways for these patterns to be openly loved, addressed, and changed.In another example, those&nbsp;with a&nbsp;<em>preocuppied-avoidant</em>&nbsp;style – who feel the need for closeness but have a hard&nbsp;time asking and do not expect others to be there for them – may sulk if they feel rejected, putting silent pressure on women they are with to meet their demands. Perhaps the&nbsp;sulking&nbsp;partner&nbsp;who turns away in anger when sexual&nbsp;desires&nbsp;aren’t met may be&nbsp;having a limbic attachment experience&nbsp;that needs to be addressed as such, in a mature way,&nbsp;a way&nbsp;that takes ownership of the experience and works to heal it rather than project it outwards onto women.</p>\n<p><em>Avoidant attachment styles: holding trust</em></p>\n<p>Those with a d<em>ismissive-avoidant</em>&nbsp;style may simply need to develop attunement in order to&nbsp;<em>hold</em>&nbsp;the trust they are given. They may want&nbsp;women to get close to them at first, and begin to build trust, but not actually know how to maintain trust&nbsp;once it begins, which can create destabilizing and confusing experiences for everyone involved.When men happen to have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, they may simply not know how nurturance and comfort looks and feels. They may have a very difficult time recognizing and loving their own deepest selves, and not even be aware of what they have lost. Thus they&nbsp;may blame women for being ‘too needy’ out of not recognizing their own needs for closeness and nurturance of self and others, having learned early that closeness is suffocating and that needs are to be denied.They may not recognize their own body’s needs for comfort and connection, which result in elevated heart rate and changes in neurochemicals just as it does for anxious attachers, but in a way the avoidant attacher does not understand or recognize as they learned early on to repress these needs completely in themselves and others.&nbsp;They may not know how to meet their own and other people’s needs simultaneously, a highly developed nurturance capacity.Even if they do not act in&nbsp;invasive ways, their style may inadvertently interrupt the creation of&nbsp;deep, honest, nurturing relationships, in which women they sleep with or get close to can feel emotionally safe with them.In striving to be good people they&nbsp;may make ‘rules’ (like ‘a good man doesn’t touch,’) and have a very logical approach to checking if a woman wants to be touched, but have a harder time responding to&nbsp;her nonverbal cues or even sometimes responding to&nbsp;<em>verbal</em>&nbsp;cues for comfort and reassurance, creating an odd gap feeling.The attachment needs are still there, but they may transmute into other more recognizeable things: instead of giving and receiving nurturance they may seek sexual connections&nbsp;while feeling utterly bewildered about&nbsp;how physical love relates to intimate or consummate love.&nbsp;They may experience immense, paralyzing guilt and shame when someone needs them to be comforting, and lash out, freeze up, or run. They may hurt people they care about by having sex with them in a&nbsp;strangely cold or distant way, without even knowing why they are doing it.If a man with an avoidant attachment style&nbsp;experiences&nbsp;internal distress when someone he cares about expresses nurturance needs (such as the need for&nbsp;trust, reliability, availability, closeness, responsiveness, attunement) he may&nbsp;<em>blame the woman for ‘being too needy’</em>&nbsp;instead of dealing with those intensely confusing feelings of shame.Men with avoidant attachment styles&nbsp;may not notice&nbsp;the confusing nonverbal signalling they are&nbsp;<em>actively</em> doing very early on that prevents safety from happening with women they want to nurture and support, who may become more and more imbalanced towards them in response.Since ‘absence of nurturance’ is just an absence, it can be hard to recognize early. When&nbsp;early avoidant responses to requests for closeness are not noticed as such, attachment science teaches us, ‘protest behaviour’ – the distress when needs aren’t met – may get louder over time, in ways both people are contributing to and neither understand. It becomes all too easy in a patriarchal culture that values rugged individualism over interdependence to call an anxiously-attached woman ‘crazy’ without noticing the parallel avoidant responses&nbsp;that are contributing, that are ‘crazymaking’. In other words, it takes two to enter into the avoidant-anxious trap, but patriarchal&nbsp;culture normalizes an&nbsp;avoidant style and stigmatizes an anxious style, wherever it appears.None of this is worthy of shame; fundamentally, all of the insecure styles are based in an unquestioned belief that people will not be there for them and that nurturance is somehow a problem rather than wholly desireable and good. Avoidant attachers ‘know’ from an early age that the ice will break, the chair will collapse, best not to try.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>Insecure attachment styles are not chosen, are not conscious or intentional, and it is an understatement to say they are not easy to change. They&nbsp;deserve understanding, compassion, and empathy.And yet living without loving, secure attachment bonds is the loneliest experience in the human repertoire.<em>Community care and cultural transformation</em>The solution to this is not to pile on more shame and guilt. This is really tricky, because insecure attachers have limbic brains&nbsp;<em>structured</em>&nbsp;by shame and guilt and may hear accusations where there are none.&nbsp;The solution is not to shame people for feeling shame. Instead, the solution is a complete transformation of social relations to allow wholeness back into our world. Yes, models of healthy interdependence exist if we know where to find them and how to recognize them. But no one stands in a shining circle of light and no one lives in the dark abyss; it is time we finally abandon these Eurocentric, western dichotomies.What we need is a model for slow self-love that brings the shame up into the light, and reality checks with others who accept you&nbsp;unconditionally, hold you accountable, and aren’t going anywhere. We need&nbsp;a model of justice that&nbsp;recognizes the lived reality of interdependence and learns to do it well, not a justice of shame that frightens us all out of looking at our shadow sides or weakest selves in a world in which most&nbsp;men&nbsp;are&nbsp;expected to cut off parts of themselves&nbsp;from the time they&nbsp;are quite young.The solution, in tangible terms, is community care and a great deal of awareness of how most of us did not get our needs met at key developmental stages, which means we did not move out of those stages and must do so now. Collective healing is possible. We can heal when we can finally be our whole, unguarded&nbsp;selves, in human community, without shields or guards, and be liked, accepted, seen, held. This is systemic change, spiritual change, at the core levels of our culture, lived each day.Once shame can be reduced to more manageable levels, both personally and culturally, people can become more able to openly expose their raw spots trusting they will be accepted, and can respond to the needs of others rather than freeze and become defensive, invasive, or paralyzed.</p>\n<p><em>Turning the gifts around: masculine nurturance culture</em></p>\n<p>The answer to all of these difficulties is to openly discuss nurturance: how it looks, how it feels, how men&nbsp;can learn to practice it from the men who already know how in addition to&nbsp;communicating through women or fumbling around&nbsp;for years learning by trial and error.Simplistic answers gleaned through this fumbling do not help: for instance, some men may actually&nbsp;avoid nurturing or protecting women out of fear of ‘white knighting.’&nbsp;But ‘white knighting’ isn’t synonymous with&nbsp;‘all forms of protection.’ White knighting means acting ‘protective’&nbsp;<em>in ways that aren’t attuned</em>.&nbsp;Paternalistically telling her what she needs instead of listening to what she says is white knighting.&nbsp;To stop white knighting, don’t stop protecting; just protect while you also&nbsp;<em>listen</em>&nbsp;and&nbsp;<em>believe</em>. Protect her, actively, in the ways she actually wants protecting, and not in the ways she does not.&nbsp;Protecting people you care about – in <em>ways that are attuned and responsive to their actual needs</em> –&nbsp;is a normal, needed, and healthy part of nurturance. Only in the wasteland of guessing and fumbling alone would this confusion even be possible.</p>\n<p>Why is there no high-profile institute for men teaching nurturance skills to men?Men need to do this work with other men – not alone, not instead of doing it with women, but in addition, in accountable relationship with and to women. In other words, keep learning in the ways learning is happening now – but&nbsp;then <em>share that learning with one another</em>.&nbsp;Our institutions need to count this work as valuable, rewardable labour: fund it, give it high prestige, give it speaking tours and jobs in teaching nurturance. Read that line a few times. It sounds so impossible, doesn’t it?The absurdity of that line suggests it&nbsp;may be a long time before a nurturing masculinity is recognized and rewarded socially the same way an abstract intellectual masculinity currently is.In the meantime, men need to do this healing work every day,&nbsp;behind the scenes, reaping the rewards of having women and people of all genders feel safe with them, and of growing their own self-love and love of one another.The wonderful reward of creating safe bonds is that in these places of trust, a warm glow&nbsp;of meaning and purpose emerges. &nbsp;An inner circle of trust and vulnerability&nbsp;allows movement and rest: it&nbsp;lets the bees come and go from the hive. It&nbsp;creates shelters of chosen family and beloved community from which action, challenges to racism, sexism, institutional violence, can arise, a safety net to catch each other’s bodies and souls, the foundation that allows risk.The opposite of masculine rape culture is masculine nurturance culture. This is men’s work to do, and yet it is needed by people of all genders who have men in their lives. The rewards are waiting.</p>\n<p>Are you a nurturing man? Do the women in your life – partner, daughter, sister, friend, coworker, parent – tell you or show you that you make them feel unusually safe and close and cared for? If so, how did you learn? How do you open up spaces for men who want these conversations to begin to have them?Every single man I asked this of said, “both men would need to want it.” Fear of closeness, masculine codes of interaction, the lower-level lizard-brain signals that men send one another, are real and are part of the picture. But many men are struggling with these questions, locked alone in their own little boxes.Men have to do this with other men, despite the difficulties in doing so, for three reasons. For one, men&nbsp;understand what it is like to be a man much better than women do, and they can teach one another while understanding what it actually feels like and having compassion for one another. Men&nbsp;must also do this with other men because, frankly, women cannot be responsible for healing men while they also protect themselves from male violence and&nbsp;neglect, which is still endemic and thus a daily part of women’s lives. Finally, one of the great distortions&nbsp;of the human spirit in our culture is that each&nbsp;man lives in solitary confinement, thinking they can and should&nbsp;solve problems&nbsp;alone, that they shouldn’t need others. Jumping the barriers that keep men from talking about emotions with other men is <em>itself</em> a fundamental change, one that reduces shame and confusion.So how do you know when men around you – the friend you just met for drinks, the colleague you have collaborated with on projects for years, the hockey buddy – may actually be quietly confused and&nbsp;<em>thirsty</em> for this kind of learning?How can you&nbsp;signal&nbsp;your availability, to let men in your life know&nbsp;you are doing this yourself, so that those men&nbsp;who <em>want</em> to learn about nurturance can find each other? It’s as simple as starting&nbsp;a men’s discussion group based on this article.It can be as simple as sharing this piece, and asking, “does this ever come up for you?”It can be as simple as sending someone you know&nbsp;this piece, and&nbsp;saying “I’m available.”It can be as simple as posting this piece, and&nbsp;saying “I’m here.” &nbsp;&nbsp;</p>\n<p>At the bottom of this piece on the blog is a list of resources.</p>\n</html>",
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      "body": "<html>\n<p>&nbsp;After years of working in market research in London conducting telephone surveys, I arrived in Melbourne and answered an ad for someone ‘broad-minded with a good phone manner.’ When I rang a woman answered and said “You’ve called here before, haven’t you?” She told me her name was Bev and the next day I traveled deep into suburbia via train, tram and bus to meet with her. I rang the doorbell of an inconspicuous unit in an oblong block of 'blonde' bricks. The door opened then a screen door and there was the middle part of a woman, the widest person I had ever seen, cropped on each side by the door-frame. In order to let me in she had to back into a room off the hall and only then did I get the full measure of her. Not only was Bev monumentally obese but she lacked any physical charm whatsoever. Women have suffered too long from being judged by their looks and without wishing to contribute anything more to the whole horrible business, the kindest thing I can say about Bev is that she didn't look well. Usually you can say that someone has nice eyes or pretty hair, shell-like ears or elegant hands, but not in this case. Bev spoke in a girlish high-pitched Marilyn Monroe ‘Happy Birthday, Mr President’ voice. &nbsp;Her conversation was punctuated with pouty little sighs and outbursts, chirpy exclamations and exhalations: “Oooh! Ahh! Hmmm!Ah-howwww!” &nbsp;</p>\n<p>Bev demonstrated a phone sex call. She told her client she was a size eight, green-eyed blonde double D breasts, and showed me how to wet my front teeth and rub my forefinger over them to make the sound of a wet pussy. Squeak. Squelch. (It sounded more like the noise a rat would make if you picked it up by the tail.) Bev told me I’d earn $10.00 per call. This was years before the internet and clients paid via a kind of honour system, posting a check to Bev’s PO Box once they’d had their call. She was running her business illegally while collecting a Disability Pension (she had diabetes) so there was nothing she could do if a client didn’t send in the money. And if they didn't pay up, I didn't get paid. Bev didn't tell me this until after I'd worked an entire shift. At that time I needed even the prospect of earning money, so I went back for a second night. I think she liked me. “I’d like to spank you,” she told me when I turned up for the second shift. “Ah! Wouldn’t you love that? Ooooh!”&nbsp;</p>\n<p>My first call was with a man who wanted to be 'forced' to dress in a little Miss Muffet costume, insulted, degraded and referred to as ‘Slut Joan’. Cross-dressing fantasies figured highly in the phone sex scenarios. Slut Joan was a regular, as was another client who wanted me to change his nappy, breast feed and burp him. Sadly, though, most of the conversations were about my 'appearance' (porn star Barbie) and the sort of predictable things clients would like to do to me. It was hard to stay interested. To amuse myself I tried putting on accents but can’t have been convincing. In one nearly climactic moment one client interrupted me to demand accusingly, “You’re faking that, aren’t you?” Faking <em>which</em> bit, exactly, did he mean? &nbsp;Bev also worked occasionally as a bondage mistress. I was curious and she thought I’d make a good apprentice so she took me along to meet Bud who lived in a run-down little ground floor flat in a housing estate. Bud was an older man who employed her to vigorously smack his arse with a thong (the footwear kind; 'jandal' if you’re a New Zealander), much the sort of thing you got on a daily basis for free when I was growing up. The difference lay in the accompanying soundtrack: instead of <em>this’ll teach you to answer back, yer hear</em> or <em>do that again and I’ll bloody well belt you from here to Kingdom Come</em>, Bud wanted me to say &nbsp;things like <em>you’re loving this, aren't you, Big Boy?</em> I ordered him to kneel before me and lick my shoes. \"Oh, Jesus,\" he moaned. \"Me knees! Spare me all that rubbish!\" That day I was wearing an especially nice pair of black lace undies, the one iota of glamour in the entire brightly-lit, shabby-sad afternoon, and Bud insisted on buying them. When I left he was wearing them pulled over his face, with the rest of him, clad in a grubby singlet and a pair of baggy y-fronts, stretched out on the floor. He didn’t want to see me again. “Yer too young and beautiful,” he complained, in an unexpected but sweet reversal of values. He was more comfortable with Bev. &nbsp;One night Bev asked me to come in and take over the phones. Before she left she had another surprise for me – in her lounge was a man, a man in his forties called Neil, watching porn on a large TV screen with one leg slung over the arm of a comfy chair. Neil was some sort of minder I guess, although neither of them explained his presence. &nbsp;It was summer and he was dressed in only a pair of blue nylon shorts. Tucked into the waistband of those blue nylon shorts was a <em>gun</em>. A real gun– a gun for killing people; not a rifle for shooting rabbits or horses with broken legs. I was raised in New Zealand where not even cops carry guns. I'd never even <em>seen</em> a gun before and now I was alone in the suburbs with a strange man who was watching porn and packing hardware. As Beverly cast off into the night it occurred to me how I wasn't in a terribly<em> sensible</em> situation: no-one on earth knew where I was, and this Neil fellow held the balance of power should there be any disagreement between us, about, say, anything whatsoever. But he hardly spoke to me the entire time; the porn interested him more than me. &nbsp;Bev made a serious business blunder that night: she left me with an unopened bottle of something distantly related to vodka: Polish <em>spirit</em>; pure alcohol, pretty much. I drank it all while I phoned everybody I knew. &nbsp;I called my mum, my brother, my sister and my Aunty Margaret in New Zealand. I called my friends Paul and Liz and Vicky and Anna in London. I called the Lebanese guy who worked the front desk at the hostel I’d stayed at in Athens. I called my friend Ella’s granddad in a town near Amsterdam. I called my friend called Ginny in Ireland, and a man I’d met in Paris called Julien. &nbsp;By the time Bev got back I was incoherent and practising what little Greek I knew with a hapless would-be client. <em>Do you have any fetta?</em> I asked him, and &nbsp;<em>Where do I catch a bus for Delphi? </em>Not the sort of conversation he was expecting and I doubt he sent his ten dollars in to Bev’s PO Box. That night spelt the end of my phone sex career. Some weeks later I received a Christmas card from Bev containing a tenner, my entire earnings. But experience is priceless, no? &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>\n</html>",
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      "body": "Great to have you in the community!\n\nHere are some tips if you're not aware of already:\n* Secure your account: https://steemit.com/steemit-guides/@pfunk/your-steem-account-is-worth-money-how-to-secure-it-with-a-new-owner-key-to-keep-it-yours-forever\n* Verify your account and build your reputation: https://steemit.com/steem/@tuck-fheman/verified-accounts--reputation-system\n* Contribute with your own contents: https://steemit.com/steem/@grittenald/copy-paste-steal-cite-your-sources, and https://steemit.com/steemit/@pfunk/lets-discuss-verification-of-user-accounts-posting-previous-work-to-prevent-impersonation\n* Properly tagging your posts, especially when your content is `#NSFW` or for `#test` only\n* Know how Steemit works: https://steemit.com/steemit/@donkeypong/still-confused-by-steem-steem-dollars-and-steem-power-the-power-plant-analogy ",
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      "body": "<html>\n<p>Hello everyone. I want to celebrate failure. At the risk of sounding trite and platitudinous I want to say that the only failure is in <em>not</em> 'having a go', as we say here in Australia. Steemit looks like a place where I can have a go by 'having a say' (another of my favourite Aussie expressions).&nbsp;</p>\n<p>I've had many different careers in the arts (and elsewhere) and not managed to make any money doing anything (mostly cos I get bored and move on to the next thing). I've been a stand-up comedian, an actor, a writer, a belly dancer, a novelist, a playwright, a poet, a short story writer, a screenwriter, a blogger, a cabaret artiste, a theatre reviewer ... A long list of thoroughly enjoyable activities. My low boredom threshhold is both a flaw and a strength. My finances are shite but I won't reach the end of my life wishing I'd done more of the things I wanted to do.</p>\n<p>If you're frightened of failure, it might be cos you're overly concerned about what others think of you. Well, if you're like me and have even failed at being a sex worker (yes, truly! My post about it went under 'sex' but I don't seem to be able to find that while I'm writing this in order to include the link), you can't afford to worry about what<em> anyone</em> thinks of you.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>As an artist you have to have your embarrassment gland excised or you'll never create, not really; you won't express what you truly need or want to. Same goes for sex workers. (So I believe.) I'll be writing about more of my molar-grinding butt-clenching fails by the by. Here's a story to make you laugh in the meantime: a friend of mine once met Bjorn from ABBA. The real Bjorn, from the real ABBA. It was at the opening of the musical Mama Mia here in Melbourne. She was sloshed on red wine and had a glass in her hand at the time they were introduced. Shortly afterwards he made a joke, and being so very drunk she laughed way too loudly and <em>snorted red wine all down the front of his pristine white suit. &nbsp;</em>Of course he was in a white suit.</p>\n<p>Like I said, you can't afford to worry...</p>\n</html>",
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      "body": "<html>\n<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;If failing in a career means never making any money from it, I am the world’s Numero Uno Failure Extraordinaire. I’ve been a belly dancer (and belly dance teacher), a cabaret performer, a stand-up comedian, an actor, a playwright, a theatre director, a screenwriter, an ESL teacher, a novelist, a short story writer, a teacher of creative writing, an illustrator, a fine artist, a cartoonist, a journalist, a theatre and film reviewer … All things I like doing. Some of them I still do. &nbsp;But I’ve never been able to make a living out of any of them. Then there are all the jobs I’ve been sacked from - silver service waitress, tea lady, kitchen hand, hotel cleaner, market researcher, barmaid, sandwich maker, dish-pig, optical dispensary sorter, video packager/sorter…(Things I don’t like doing.) My most spectacular career fail, however, is <em>sex worker.</em> A failed sex worker??? How can anyone fail at that, you ask? Read on … &nbsp;</p>\n<p>Some years ago I thought it would be a good idea to become a bondage mistress, a dominatrix. How glamorous would that be? You didn’t have to shag with anyone, just smack their arse and boss them round a bit. Easy, or so I thought. I pictured myself strutting around in a black leather cat-suit with thigh high stiletto boots, riding crop in hand, blindfolded slave on all fours at my feet awaiting my command. I also imagined doing this in very luxurious surroundings. Sadly, it wasn’t quite like that. &nbsp;I went to work as an apprentice mistress at a bondage parlour in Melbourne’s northern suburbs. The establishment’s interior was what you’d call ‘tired’, ‘shabby’ if you want to be unkind. This was back in the days when everyone smoked indoors. The mistresses all smoked, the clients all smoked, everyone smoked but me. I’d not that long ago given up, and, as you’ll know if you’ve been through it yourself, I was now particularly sensitive to cigarette smoke. After the first night I woke up with a cough that quickly turned into a lung infection. &nbsp;Not the best start.</p>\n<p>The next night the parlour owner, a tall blonde Nordic goddess type, needed to discipline one of the house slaves (there to carry out any chores that needed doing in return for free correction) for not washing the dishes thoroughly. I expected she’d make him bend over and would strap him (thwack!) or cane him (swish!) but no, she merely picked up a plank of untreated four-by-two timber and whacked him round the thighs with it. Elegant? Not terribly. I was in training with a young woman, a bossy girl calling herself Mistress Michelle, and another of the house slaves who taught me how to do basic knots. Some of the knots I remembered learning in primary school, reef knots, slip knots, half hitches and the like. &nbsp;Finally I got my own a client, a man who wanted me to tie him up, lock him in a cage and apply nipple clamps. It took him less than three minutes to escape my bondage knots. Then I apologised for hurting him with the nipple clamps. He glared at me and muttered through gritted teeth: “Don’t. Say. ‘Sorry.’” I expect he demanded his money back on his way out. I was a rubbish mistress; too soft, and I didn’t like inflicting pain. Given that pain was what clients were paying for, this was a problem. “You’re not a dominatrix; you’re a submissive,” Mistress Michelle informed me.&nbsp;</p>\n<p>On my last night a young man wanted a school mistress scenario. I was thinking I’d play at being the sexy teacher in stockings and suspenders with a long black cape and fringed mortar board over a corset, but no. This guy wanted me in a bulky tweedy beige suit, clompy lace-up shoes, support stockings, oversize eighties-style tortoise-shell rimmed spectacles and the most unfashionable middle-aged pale brown wig you can imagine. I reminded myself of frumpy Miss Voller from high school, the one whose fiancé died in the war. If that wasn’t dismal enough, the client insisted on making a video of the proceedings. The least glamorous twenty minutes of my entire life was captured on VHS, and is no doubt still tucked away in a box in a garage somewhere in suburban Melbourne. My only consolation is that I'm probably unrecognisable. Bondage Mistress turned out not to be the career I dreamed of. Domination isn't my forte. Tried it once; it didn’t like me...&nbsp;</p>\n</html>",
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