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      "body": "i started this narrative, upstairs in my closet, in a southern accented voice (i don't know why, that's just how it came out) out loud, to no one in particular, but when I realized the cat sitting on my bed could be an audience I directed it to him. Essentially I wanted to say that I didn't care anymore (that the message has gone uncontested since Wednesday... it's not like it said anything important or requested any specific information .- just a picture from my garden and a simple \"how is your week going?\") but realized that that was a lie; i do actually care, it makes me a little sad. So instead of saying that i don't care, I instead said that I surrender to the flow. i accept that the flow took me there, took me into his path, gave me four or five days in his city, one day with him, and then took me back out. This wasn't part of my narrative but obviously i wish we had properly fallen in love; this is one of those pivot points in my life and for a long time it was a dream of mine to fall in love and stay in Argentina. But of course, looking back, perhaps I may have been tempted to be someone other than who I really am in order to be with him; maybe i would have cut some things off, censored some things out, berated myself for sending a message when i should have waited (oh wait, that's what I'm doing right now)... but who really is \"yourself\" and is it not somewhat influenced by your environment? There is no way to know who myself truly would be if I were to use a different language as my first language. Other than to experience it.\n\neither way. i am sad at communication being cut off (because what am I going to say as a follow up? like I want to love him but i also want to take this as a clear \"not interested\" message and keep moving. maybe i don't have to make any assumptions about it at all and just keep moving forward and surrender to the flow. And maybe ask more questions next time we talk.\n\nah, but when opportunities and space open up here, in my home state, and I don't even have to make them happen, it kind of answers my question of \"what is next?\" because it is such an easy fit. Argentina is not quite yet next unless I want to repeat the last twenty years chasing love. I don't. So when the time is right (if the time is right? if i decide i definitely want to do it and the time is right) there will be a way.",
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      "body": "I'm grown enough to know the difference between a heartache and a wound. And I'm experienced enough to know what (one of the) causes (of) heartache (is) - it's when you've built up an illusion and you become attached to that illusion and then you get evidence or something somehow causes that illusion to shatter and you're either left with shards or severed connections or whatever and it is really painful because what you loved and believed, you've found out, is no longer true and may not have ever been.\n\nman, if i'm gonna let you get me naked you're gonna let me get you naked. we both offer up our naked selves in service of this union.\n\nmaybe i'm speaking backwards or maybe I'm speaking forwards but let me speak now, in the present, I am here.\n\nmyself at 20 had nothing on me at 38. at 20 the mind went wild, wove beautiful fantasies built of ignorance of the entire concept of \"relationship\" - yeah, I'll graduate college and will be able to get married, 23 is a good age for that - taking for granted, or being entirely uninformed of, the fact that relationships are a process, they are dynamic, they don't just come to be overnight, the same way you don't get pumpkins the moment you plant the seed. There's a process. an unfolding. in our* case, a desnuding (what other word could possibly exist to describe it? disrobing - allowing layer after layer to come off). At 20 or at 38 there has alway been much to disrobe. At 20 I had no concept of the wounds I sustained from being in a religious group and therefore no way to have even known what needed disrobing. At 38, having become aware of it, done and in the process of doing as much work as possible to correct the programming, heal those early wounds, I am much more aware of all the other things that must be disrobed - the layers I have put on as self-protection to prevent or cover up those later wounds - but in this light, I can see all of them. I can see my distrust and how that causes me to project doubts onto you, assumptions about what you're doing (are you just trying to get another conquest? maybe you are but i fell for it willingly) and also the desire to rise above these things, to see and appreciate all of the good, the feelings, whatever it is that is real that connects us.\n\nI suppose that's it for now. I've done the \"make it go\" game and tired of it maybe two years ago. What I mean is that once I become aware that I am the one putting in the effort I let go making it go and see if it goes on its own. And I'm grown enough to accept its course because music exists and there is no rush.\n\n*i am not quite certain to whom this refers. i could be speaking backwards into the past or i could be speaking forwards into the future or i could be speaking directly to you here in the present as you read this - for now let's allow all these possibilities to exist in superposition because \"hechos - no palabras\" - facts and actions are what matters; the words when spun inside my head serve to build illusions. which is why if i come to the conclusion that \"i love you\" from eight thousand miles away it is immediately suspect, because I once heard a song that said \"don't put in the letter what you can't say in my ear\" and if I can't share words of such profound importance out lout with you right in front of me, is what I say even real? can it be?",
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      "body": "Congratulations @jenniferdianna! You have completed the following achievement on the Steem blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/60x70/http://steemitboard.com/@jenniferdianna/posts.png?201904050547</td><td>You published more than 10 posts. Your next target is to reach 20 posts.</td></tr>\n</table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@jenniferdianna) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](http://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=jenniferdianna)_</sub>\n<sub>_If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word_ `STOP`</sub>\n\n\nTo support your work, I also upvoted your post!\n\n\n**Do not miss the last post from @steemitboard:**\n<table><tr><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/the-steem-blockchain-survived-its-first-virus-plague\"><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/64x128/https://steemitimages.com/0x0/![](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmYKnawrtqFCShyVvVs4QS7548eretcMUKQJc3D2f69pb9/image.png)\"></a></td><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/the-steem-blockchain-survived-its-first-virus-plague\">The Steem blockchain survived its first virus plague!</a></td></tr></table>\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "author": "jenniferdianna",
      "body": "I would rather be reading.\nI like to write, don't get me wrong\nit's therapeutic\nit's how i connect with myself and develop intimacy. Because it's like having a conversation with myself to see what and how I am thinking.\nShowing up for myself, to listen to myself, consistently... is the challenge. It's a challenge to be consistent. It's a challenge to be consistent to myself and probably to anyone else in my life with whom I am developing intimacy.\n\nWhich is nobody, at this point. To be honest, I am a little mystified. But also, not so much. Because over the last two years or so... maybe my entire dating history? I have been with people I didn't really like. I liked them enough; they were nice to me, they gave me attention, they showed up, they were consistent, but they weren't anyone I could go all-in with. The last person I dated I knew he wasn't it. But I kept it going for a few months because I wanted to \"wait and see\" if I discovered something that wasn't already apparent. Of course, I didn't. I discovered he was loud and frivolous and talking with him sounded like reading work emails. And I don't know if I'm being unfair here, but he never seemed to want to put in effort. He only ever planned one date. And I had to go to him. If he was already home after work there was very little chance of seeing him unless I went to his place. I don't know. I just couldn't connect with him.\n\nAnd now... it's not like I don't have opportunities, but, it's just... I have higher standards? I'm not looking for a little action here and there, not looking for a person I see every six weeks and the rest of the time don't communicate with, not looking to Frankenstein together the scraps to come up with a whole person to be with me. But at the same time... I'm not going to go all-in with someone just because he gives me a lot of attention and shows himself willing to show up to build intimacy with me. It's going to take time for me to feel safe with anyone, so at the first sign of a man not being able to handle me setting a boundary I run. If anyone wants to rush me into making a decision, into getting naked, into committing myself, into anything too fast, I run. Has it been bad luck? Have I been bad at choosing potential candidates? Have I just been entertaining anyone who looks my way only long enough to find the fault in them?\n\nThough I am proud of myself. For being able to say a whole lot of no lately. No to someone who isn't going to respect my boundaries. No to chasing after the love of a man who gives highly inconsistently, whom I'm physically attracted to but emotionally repelled from. No to only accepting the scraps. And with this \"whole lotta no\" I've managed to free up some pretty important space in myself. I am proud of myself for not trying to fill it back up right away. I mean, I don't know a whole lot about this space! Is it warm or cold? Does it echo or is my singing muffled? Soft or hard? What's there? Is it neat? Where are the places that need to heal? Where do I need stitches? ice? heat? Reiki?\n\nI want to know this place well before I let anyone in again.\n\nI freed up a space that had been occupied by the same ratty collection of scraps for six years. They were good scraps. They were beautiful scraps. Some were even big enough to hold me and make me feel safe. But scraps are scraps and I don't have any more time for that; I want something coherent and consistent.",
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      "body": "/ᐠ=ᆽ=ᐟ\\\\",
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{
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    {
      "author": "partiko",
      "body": "Hello @jenniferdianna! This is a friendly reminder that you can **download Partiko today and start earning Steem** easier than ever before!\n\nPartiko is a fast and beautiful mobile app for Steem. You can login using your Steem account, browse, post, comment and upvote easily on your phone!\n\nYou can even **earn up to 3,000 Partiko Points per day**, and easily convert them into Steem token!\n\n**Download Partiko now using the link below to receive 1000 Points as bonus right away!**\n\nhttps://partiko.app/referral/partiko",
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      "author": "jenniferdianna",
      "body": "I'm just going to keep writing, I guess.\n\nI didn't have anything planned out about which to speak but I enjoy the feeling of typing on my laptop and I don't do it very often yet I still have a lot to say so ... (i am without notebook in the nearest vicinity - in fact if I were to write on something physically it would require me to get up off the couch and walk over to the round table in the kitchen of the tiny little cabin I am staying in in the mountains with my sisters and their mens and childs, to my purse within which is a six-by-six sketchbook that has some markers in the binding).\n\nWriting on a computer versus writing by hand is a very different experience. I can get much through much faster while typing versus while writing it by hand. Which is better? While typing, because of the increased speed it is easy to get a lot of words out. But I feel that perhaps they come out less refined than they would if I were writing them. Because the words are formed much more slowly while I write on paper, there is more time to consider what the next word needs to be in order to convey what I have to say. However, now that I am thinking of my next topic of conversation I am already tired of thinking about the merits of hand writing versus those of writing on computer. I will maybe return  to it at a later date; perhaps I need more experience writing this way (on my laptop).\n\nThe next topic of conversation is this feeling or fear that perhaps I am a very big talker with very little to show for myself. Maybe I talk a big game. Maybe I claim (not outwardly; i would never do that; but perhaps by the way I behave it belies my attitude that I'm great at doing whatever it is I am talking about, even if I don't have very much practice at doing it. Like I believe I'm a passable tango dancer but I begin to doubt myself when I hear people talking about how taking private lessons is the way to \"get better\" (what does \"getting better\" even mean? This is a language... do I ever try to get better at speaking English, despite it being my native language? I get better with experience, with reading new words, new works, hearing things from others' points of view, thinking about new things, finding relationships and connections between concepts that I'd never considered before. I don't believe there is anyone who can teach me that other than myself, through practice and experience. But of course, what do I know; I don't have much experience taking private lessons, so I don't really know what that's like. I can't really form any opinions on whether I like it, whether it makes a difference, whether it's for me, because I haven't tried it yet. Besides... I dance for fun. I don't want to bring in orthodoxy and structure to something that I play with. I need more convincing. What does it mean to \"get better\"? Am I not already enough? What does \"improve\" mean?\n\nIt kind of makes me nervous to have a blog. What if I write something that I really like? To access it I would have to have access to steemit and that makes me slightly uncomfortable. Not having a hard copy of it. Not having it saved somewhere locally. Although I do think if it were brilliant enough I would do some copy-paste magic and paste it into my note taking app (see how I'm totally generic about which one I use because everyone has their own that they use and it's not my place to suggest what anyone should use)... but of course, even if I were to copy from here and paste into there, I still wouldn't have a hard copy of what I write.\n\nMoral of the story: more words fast = type; hard copy and being the sole owner of the only copy of the words = handwrite.",
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