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      "body": "Congratulations @intspekt! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@intspekt/birthday2.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 2 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@intspekt) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=intspekt)_</sub>\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "memo": "A Happy Holidays from @artwatch - I hope 2019 brings you all the best.  I am sending you this small gift.  TO remind you that I am watching -  I like your content, you are in my feed and I hope you will stay on steemit for the long haul.  LET US MAKE A YEAR OF IT!  Lets have soo much fun this coming year!  You and I are the future of steemit.  Peace and much LUV in 2019.   HR"
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      "body": "Hi my friend, Where are you? can you contact me in discord?",
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      "body": "hai  *hugs* im doing time off myself",
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      "body": "@@ -129,20 +129,21 @@\n te songs\n- too\n+, btw\n . Nostal\n",
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      "body": "I'm sorry I took so long to respond, dogbun. Off the interwebs for a while. Needed to unplug and reboot. That's one of my favorite songs too. Nostalgic, melancholy sweet song that makes you see life like a movie. That's how it makes me feel, anyway lol. Wes Anderson has a good ear for that kind of thing. Hope you're well. Hugs and cookie for you too. :)",
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      "body": "Thank you so much My good friend, it's always a pleasure to read your kind comments <3 <3 Hugs",
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      "body": "Sounds like a mysterious night walk to me. Nice and creepy. I liked it better the second time I listened. I guess I heard things I missed the first time around. I hear a lot of different influences there. It mixed really well to make something unique...I think that's your talent. <3",
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      "title": "",
      "body": "where have you gone my lovely intspekt? *hug*",
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      "title": "",
      "body": "@@ -3548,19 +3548,8 @@\n y a \n-name, or a \n plac\n@@ -3882,12 +3882,12 @@\n ill \n-past\n+gone\n . Ab\n@@ -4457,19 +4457,18 @@\n no fix, \n-and\n+or\n  there's\n@@ -5973,16 +5973,79 @@\n  enough?\n+ Life, existence, the sense of loss and longing and disconnect,\n  It's to\n",
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      "parent_permlink": "re-intspekt-re-lk666-re-intspekt-re-lk666-the-verse-of-the-damned-poetry-20180714t185253767z",
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      "title": "",
      "body": "Yes, to all of that. Really... And yeah, things happen, and there literally feels like a (before x) and (after x) reality. At least that's how it is for me. And not necessarily some sole event as much as a series of events, and a changing of mind that came with it. Shit changes you. Life changes you. I don't understand either, much of anything, and I don't have answers, for my own predicaments or anyone else's. I've always been very emotional and very sensitive too, but I've learned...how not to be. And *when* not to be. Or not so much that, it's that I've learned how to keep it to myself, in life, in general. And equally, how to be thankful for the times when I don't have to...\n\nThat's why I relate to those who communicate through music, or art, or poetic words, or anything beyond cold logic. I'm very logical all at the same time, but it's become a coping mechanism as much as it's a practical thing. It keeps me level and functioning like I should. Numb enough, I suppose. The same as weed, something not a pill. I recognize those who I can truly connect with, appreciate the rarity of it, and I recognize all the same those who I cannot. And it's not like there's some special gift that some have and some don't. It seems to me to just be simple awareness, a step back, rather than a step ahead of anyone or anything, that opens you to experiencing a world that's not so simple... but very much real, and as much of anything as you want it to be. \n\nThis life has left me incredibly lonely, even when it hasn't left me alone, and if I'd not stopped myself caring when I have about some things, I think they would've torn me apart a lot more than they have, which has still been enough to alter my life irrevocably and leave indelible marks on my mind and heart, in the most frustratingly painful, and beautifully benign, and stupidly comical, and minutest of ways. But regardless of how, still to the point that I'll never be able to ignore it. And the punchline of that joke is - you can't make yourself quit caring. It might feel like you can, and it might feel like you have, but then it comes around to punch you in the gut again seemingly out of nowhere, always, eventually - somehow. Some things you learn to live with because you have to. \n\nIt's a permanent condition. \n\nWhen I'm outside at night, I'll look up at the sky and it will really strike me what I'm staring up at and how vast and unknowable that is. And then some day later, I'll forget to even notice the sun is shining enough to go outside, or that anything's up there at all. And that's how I know us humans end up in all the self-made messes that we do. We don't even pay attention. I'm in the frame of mind to notice everything I possibly can, and I still forget, to do it, and even more how to fully process what I'm looking at when I'm do. In some way, I think it's impossible. It *is* impossible to completely make sense of. Maybe that's why so many people accept the simple answers handed to them, or would rather avoid thinking about it altogether. \n\nI think when you're young, and especially if you're predisposed to it, there's this really beautiful part inside that just wants to run and create and feel...and when you make a connection in that way that sparks, and it either dies, or you fuck it up, or it disconnects, self-destructs, burns out or fades away somehow - you'll spend your whole life wishing for it again, searching if you haven't given up on the hope, or just broken somehow from the loss. \n\nAnd the thing is, it's not always necessarily a name, or a place, or a person, or some *simple* 'thing' that you can point to and name...or maybe even anything outside yourself. It's a *reality*, that only you can describe or even feel, or maybe even you knew existed. The only thing to know is that it's something gone...or maybe a lost point, or thing never even reached or found. But still past. Absence is such a thing to know. It's like a relationship of it's own kind. And I have a very strong suspicion it can last a lifetime. \n\nAnd so a person kills themselves, and people say \"why?\" \"why did they do it?\". But does anyone ever stop to think, maybe that person had such a mind and heart full of inexpressible things that the only thing they could imagine to help would be a release from it? What's the point in trying to communicate anymore when you feel like you can't? What do you do when there's no words, or if there are - they don't work, and there's no fix, and there's no going back? That's the reality beyond the one we acknowledge. It's complex, and when we're disconnected or damaged somehow, it leaves a hole. So we fill it with music, or art, or writing, or anything to fill the void. That's why people need more shit. And that's why people kill themselves too. Because filling it with shit doesn't work. We're all running to or from something even if we don't slow down enough to know what that is. Life necessitates that we move. Even when we're sitting still we move. (I learned that the hard way.) \n\nBut we crave connection, and meaning, and when we're living too fast and shallow to create that, then we fill the emptiness with whatever we can acquire instead. (And I don't say that from on high, I say it from experience.) I feel like I'm in constant vertigo standing on an earth that spins way too fast for me to understand. But I'm curious as hell, and hopeful and nihilistic too, in this really weirdly sarcastically defiant way - and I guess it's worked out to be enough to keep me here. So I'm 'happy' with that, and definitely, for lack of a better word, LOL. But that's what weed, and pondering, and things written way too long are for... so this should suffice to be completely inadequate as much as it makes me laugh. \n\nFinal thoughts, \"I don't know\"... except that it doesn't go away and we find ways to cope with it and I'm happy to recognize a kindred spirit whenever I do. \n\nMusic isn't enough, words aren't enough, how could anything ever be enough? It's too vast and unknown to define, much less to fill. The art is in the trying, the fun is in the trying, as is the pain. So we try. What else would we have been put here to do? Surely, anything else would be a lesser aim. \n\nThank mother nature for everything. And curse her for birthing us. Then ask her more questions. And with tears, or rage, or a smile, sing her a song. <3\n\nhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrCk5ZWt3a8\nhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvgh9Ms3N0U\nhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wlh_Noty_5U",
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      "body": "I can't say that I understand or have any answers. I don't look at the world scientifically or really all that logically. I know that for me what started long ago as something maybe situational has turned into a permanent condition. I think it's for me because I try to understand the world emotionally because I do write songs ,poems, or whatever. That's how I try and relate to the world. I have come to realize that I'm very empathetic to not only people but all animals and the world in general. I used to envy those who don't view the world through that lens, but I gotta say that it's them for the most part that have dragged these feelings down into the dark because I can't relate to them nor them to me. They are the ones who demonize depression and suicide. It's easy to be clinical about life. It's easy to say \"Why can't you be more positive? Why are you so negative?\" It's a lonely feeling. I feel like most of the time I'm moving in slow motion while most people are moving fast just trying to get more shit. I wonder why they need more shit... \nAll I can say is thank mother nature for weed. <3",
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      "permlink": "re-curie-re-re-dflo-things-are-coming-together-again-20180713t102307-20180714t061317611z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Thank you. :)",
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      "permlink": "re-dflo-re-intspekt-re-dflo-things-are-coming-together-again-20180714t061237343z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Yeah, for sure, that imposter syndrome when it attacks, is lethal. Thanks for the reference. I'll have to bookmark that to listen to. (And I really will... I love media references.) Self compassion and self acceptance is so much harder than it sounds. Such an evolving work in progress. Even a fight with yourself to maintain. And I think a lot of the stuff we write into the realm of philosophy, while it has place to be discussed there, really is animal, and chemical, at least at the root. It's a relief knowing that, in a way. Because it can be regulated. It's alterable in some way that makes sense, at least to some degree. Like you say, with routine, good health habits, supplements even. I know there are some good supplements for hormone balance that aren't too pricey to have on hand. At the very least, a good whole food multi-vitamin. I know a lot of the energy and emotional imbalances can be traced back to simple lack of essential vitamins sometimes. Things like Vitamin D have such an effect on well being. I know my best reset is to usually sleep outside for a couple days. Whenever I feel *wrong* physically or mentally, I find a reason to sleep outside for a while. Not sure all the reasons why, but it does seem to work really well. Add walking to that and it seems to help twice as well. \n\nI'm really not sure what to say right now. I just came back around to write you a reply and saw what a generous upvote I received. Wasn't expecting that at all. I enjoy this kind of engagement on here. I wish I did have time for more of it. It's nice to bump into you again too! I haven't been on here much at all in a long while. Anyway, thanks for writing posts like this. I do enjoy reading them. :)",
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      "author": "intspekt",
      "permlink": "re-lk666-re-intspekt-re-lk666-the-verse-of-the-damned-poetry-20180713t231040997z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "@@ -1288,8 +1288,1290 @@\n hey did.\n+%0A%0AComing back to this, after thinking. What I left just didn't feel complete. I really do know what you mean, about hanging around for the sake of curiosity and concern for others. I agree, though, I don't understand the reactions people have to that kind of death either. It's frustrating. Anyway, I guess I just want to say I do wish you the best in coping, whatever ways you do. I don't mean it in such a bleak way like life is all that bad all the time, but I think I understand trying to live with this *thing* lurking in the shadows at all times. Depressing, pain, some sense of loss. Like the last thing you said. I'm not sure - what to make of any of it, the fact of it being there, the reality of coping with it, or what ways people choose to escape it. I just know it's there. Sometimes you read things and they really do make you think. This post was really touching to me. That second photo, it's like a funeral procession of complete strangers for someone they'll never know anything about except that they never made it across. A life lost, a reason to stop, possibly an act of bravery as much as an unfortunate end. Maybe someone finally found their peace, the kind they never could in life. To imagine all the thoughts people have had while crossing that gorge... %3C3\n",
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      "body": "wow is this roboots. how real are the the home made roboots really look nice",
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      "permlink": "re-lk666-re-intspekt-re-lk666-the-verse-of-the-damned-poetry-20180713t231040997z",
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      "body": "I know exactly what you mean. For people who seem to get called crazy so much...there seems to be a lot of rationality in the thoughts, the reasons, that lead to suicide. Maybe that's the hardest thing for onlookers to admit. These 'terrible' actions are reflective of truths in life. Not mental disease, but reality. I think depression is a true disease, but I can't deny the things in life that cause it either. Your comment means a lot. Thanks. And there is that dividing line in life, it seems, between when it was an honest option and when you've taken it off the table, and only you really know that you have, maybe it still is a temptation. But that comfort, memento mori, that's what it is. It's soothing. I keep the same. I really thought for the longest time I wouldn't make it past my 20's. 27 club, it was on my mind, every year that led up to it. I think the humor in it to me is that when you would've attempted it, or did, you hadn't seen half the shit that you would in life. Haha. You were just getting started, speaking generally, but you know the worst was yet to come. I'm sure you do get that. Live and learn, I guess. That's why old folks laugh about the blackest stuff. Been there crossed that bridge lol, long ago, they thought they wouldn't make it either, but they did.",
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      "permlink": "re-intspekt-re-lk666-the-verse-of-the-damned-poetry-20180713t195307848z",
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      "body": "I really appreciate the well written comment @intspekt. I agree with everything you've said as well. I've always felt some kind of kinship with people who take their own life as stupid as that may sound to a lot of folks. I tried myself when I was 27 and ended up in the hospital for a torturous night of having my stomach pumped and I swore I'd never do it again. After all the things that has transpired in the years since, I've lived a whole other lifetime since that day full of joy and sorrow deeper than I could've ever imagined and I still have resisted and stayed around, not just for my children, but out of this strange curiosity. The thought to me that many find them selfish is alien concept to my mind. They are just more brave and willing to do it rather than stay in a place full of shallow and meaningless arguments. I don't want to see them go but I get it, I understand. I look longingly at my shot gun every other day myself. I think I do it on purpose to just remind me that I should not do it. I don't want my kids to not have any parents left.  Even after they leave the nest I plan to just disappear and live the rest of my life camping from place to place.  \nI look at depression as something that certain folks just have to live with and sometimes it is why they die, just like any other disease, but it's just harder and more mysterious thing to treat. I'm not sure.\n<3",
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      "author": "intspekt",
      "permlink": "re-lk666-the-verse-of-the-damned-poetry-20180713t184333908z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "@@ -4503,16 +4503,62 @@\n omeday. \n+People simply fight until they can't anymore. \n %0A%0Ahttps:\n",
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      "body": "That photo alone without any words is striking enough. It takes my mind to that place of thought. Scenes like that always do. \n\nI don't know why... I guess I could point to things in life, but I don't know why some of us have those automatic thoughts, or that sort of internal mood, while others don't. I know it feels like a background noise that will never go away, though. And it's not like a terror that haunts, so much as a comfort that's there beckoning, welcoming. It's something inside that wants peace, maybe a restart, a clean slate. I'm not sure, but it doesn't seem to go away beyond being hushed to quieter for a while, before it always reminds you it's still there. \n\nTo channel it into music is a good thing. I think it's maybe a more common thing than many realize. I think a lot of music (and surely some of the most striking music) likely gets written from that kind of coping, among others. Music heals and releases things inside you that you have no other way to express. \n\nI remember watching a documentary one time about the Golden Gate Bridge that retold some stories of jumpers there. I felt a connection to those people. And as dark as it might sound, even to watch them in the act, the struggle and then the release from that struggle. It's such a mix of emotion that it brings. It very much not entertainment and I didn't take it as such. But... I guess I just understand something about what would drive a person to do that. It's dark, it's black. It's very very black, but at the same time it's a complete release. So as much as I hate that someone's path would come to that, I feel like I understand why they'd do it. \n\nBut life is so short as it is, and I guess for me I've channeled those feelings in a way that I can manage, until I can't, and then I adjust to find a way again. It's like a dark poetry that always lives in the back of your mind, walks with you, writing over everything you ever experience. And honestly, I'm not sure I'd know how to react to experiencing anything different, it's just so familiar. So I find comfort in the thought when I need to, but otherwise I go on. \n\nI do wonder when people finally decide to do such a thing, how long has it been, how long did they cope, and how tired they must have been? You truly can't ever know someone else's internal world. And I think something we don't like to admit as a society, or allow people to claim is that for some it's a literal living hell they live with inside of themselves, and instead of hating them for leaving maybe we should see reason to commend them for enduring what they did for so long. None of us survive life as it is, some just need to leave early. They *need*, there's no other explanation I can think of, barring the few who truly are insane. And that's another thing - we call it an irrational act. I really don't think so. I think it's maybe one of the most honest and rationally thought out there can be for some. Years and years and years of thought and struggle with it. \n\nAnd I'm in no way saying I believe it's an ideal answer. It's not. I want people to stay and find a way to enjoy the short time they have. But it's also a fact that I respect and accept that some just can't find reason anymore. And that's their ultimate right. Really poignant photo and words, though, you've shared. Life means so much and in such a quick second it can mean absolutely nothing. I guess we stick around to carve out more of that meaning while we still have the option to. \n\nThere's beauty in the light and the dark, and I see so much unfortunate beauty in the blackest of things. Maybe we should feel special that we're the ones life has made able to see it, in places where others might lose vision or not even know a way to respond to such complete loss of hope - unable to keep their sanity intact - and then, even more, feel *proud* that we can find a way to appreciate the darkness in life as something beautiful. Like it's an honorable skill you *earn* from living and then surviving. \n\nThere's beauty in the coping with pain. It shows in the person who does it as much as it does in their art, or music, or whatever things it leads them to create. *The Verses of the Damned* - have to find respect for whatever it is that leads you to keep writing them. I think there's a reason, even if it's mostly personal, there is. Maybe that pain of that darkness is the one strongest motivational thing leading you forward, as much as it could be the thing leading you over the bridge someday. \n\nhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08mV_x8QTWM",
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      "body": "Yes I think what happens that causes me to feel even shittier is I start getting impostor syndrome.  I am coaching other people out of their funks!  I help other people. So it really makes me doubt myself when I am struggling to follow my own advice.  Or when I follow my own advice but then I am STILL dragging.  I am listening to Kristen Neff's Self Compassion though right now and its helping too.  Accepting where we are is a lot smoother of a ride than struggling against it.   And I just want to do the healthy stuff meanwhile because why make it worse.  And it is giving me some relief. \n\nI hear what you are saying about hormones.  I think thats so freaking real too.  It sucks, its so made fun of and discounted.  But its true.  I think I might have had a huge hormone crash of some kind where I lost all my energy.  When I say depressed in this case... i wasnt even crying or anything most of the time.  Just one big tired exhausted ball of sadness / apathy.  It was two solid weeks of it so I think there was some other contributing factors too, but having the body crash out does not help!   But thats another reason to have as healthy of a lifestyle as possible.  I just want to stack the odds in favor of at least okayish energy levels, and at least moderate inspiration .....\n\nAnyway its nice to see you again!  Havent seen you in forever!",
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      "title": "",
      "body": "@@ -2847,8 +2847,173 @@\n ind you.\n+ And and...second edit here, after reading comments, yes, I vote for %22Go the Fuck to Sleep%22 as well. What is it like five years old? It'll be a bedtime classic soon.\n",
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      "body": "@@ -2700,8 +2700,155 @@\n defeat.)\n+ Also, I've been eating cookies while I write this...and the shadow pattern or whatever that is from the curtain is really neat looking behind you.\n",
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      "body": "Yay, I like this! Just because... Helpful to hear, and glad to see you understand how to pull through it when it happens - *because* it inevitably always does. \n\nMaybe you can make it happen less often, or find ways to pull yourself out of it faster, but it's still going to happen. What's wonderful, and probably most healthy is that you can admit it, face it, realize you're not perfect, nor are you necessarily meant to be. Perfect should never be the goal, anyway. But balance. Which is healthy. Health. And well being that comes with that. But it does so often seem like you go up so far and then you come back down, even if just to internally regulate or rest a bit. And, I think in some way, that's just life, for everyone even if we do have the healthiest habits and best of intentions.\n\nAnd, especially, this seems to be a thing for women. As women, I think we're more prone to deal with self image related confidence issues. And one thing that maybe we take for granted when we're not so in tune with our natural rhythms - is hormones. The effect that female hormones have on your mood, your mind, is massive. I can chart mine across a month, and as much as I know to predict it and can feel it coming, I always end up laughing or sighing at myself in frustration that I let those hormone induced highs and lows of mood fool me again. We're animoos, after all. We very much are at the mercy of the chemicals in our brains more than we may realize or want to admit. \n\nAnd you're right about many things, all of it rings true and practical, but one part I agree with the most...is humor. When you get sad, when you start doubting yourself, even hating yourself, the first thing you lose is your humor. Humor is such a simple fix for so many things. I've found that I can use it as a regulator of my mental health. Because I know when I start to lose my humor, something has gone wrong. I'm in a bad place. Opening yourself to humor is like letting off a pressure value. Regardless of whatever other changes you make to be well, always keeping humor in the mix has to be the best kept secret to staying young in your heart and mind and even physically. That's what makes a goobery selfie such a beautiful thing in my eyes. It means you've found balance and confidence in yourself. That's true beauty that comes from inside, and I'm happy for you you've found yours again. \n\n(And fyi, as if it even needs mentioning, I struggle with all this just the same. I think almost everyone does. It's good that you can admit it enough to work on it. We're never going to *arrive* at some point of completion in life till death. I think it's better to accept the constant challenges, than to ever admit defeat.)",
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