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      "body": "I wonder who, I wonder when…but most of all I just wonder why. Someone, anyone, to be honest most people. But somebody today is going to be my daily dickhead. Yes someone today is gonna get right on my tits… I can feel it…in my tits\nI spotted a couple tit twisters walking into work today, lurking around the quick-save. Just fucking typical them. Strolling up and down, up and down, up and down, back and bloody forth like a malevolent yoyo that’s been dunked in shit and I’m the first one to give it a spin.\nJust don’t make eye contact with these goddam trolls I say to myself and maybe I won’t have to suffer the awkward embrace of the human condition. No siree. Ha! No siree indeed.\nJesus there’s one now, uuuhhhh. I can feel its embrace. Maybe I’ll have a bath this evening…in my clothes\nStop it just stop it. I say to myself. But then again look at that mans face. Look at him! Good God. I wonder if it’s worth asking about. I bet there’s a real history behind that face. Yes a history he dared not repeat. A face his mother won’t own up to out of fear of getting a slap for it.\nI should certainly imagine he’s got his own problems.\nMine have just begun. As I open the bar for service the punters start rolling in. troves of hunched over and slightly malnourished fellows shuffle down the ramp into the gallows to consume quantities of overly sugared shit and talk about sport and finances\nThe hackles behind my glasses raise as I recognise one of them. And as sure as a dick sandwich tastes funny … he recognised me.\nThis guy was definitely going to be top of the daily dickhead. I tilt my head up and back quickly in the typical way men of my age acknowledge each other without being fucked to say hello or attempt to remember their names. This is so weak. But I’d bought the ticket already, I’d invested …I did the head thing.\nBefore I could get a word in edgeways a conversation was started about the intricacies of rivalling superheroes and the war that was raging in a fictitious universe. \nWhat the fuck is this guy on about?\nI hadn’t the foggiest. But all I knew was that I had to get out. I just had to.\n The pain. The pain. The horror. The horror. \nThere was no escape. I would have to simply wait and listen patiently. Like being in public toilet till someone uses the hand dryer.\nDaily dickhead, top of my list, ticked for today.",
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      "body": "It all boiled down to this, a pivotal point in the transitioning of a young woman’s life. Did I want chips or dominoes?\nThe decision alone drove my lopsided smirk to fall further from its gracefulness, into a look of complete depression and a mood so black, that my soul may never experience the light again.\nI’ll have to have a dominoes I suppose.\nThe seduction of 2 for the price of one on any large pizza was too much for the emptiness of my soul to bare.\nI’m past caring if I’m honest.\nI’ll have to get the nuggets as well\nMy soul was feeling particularly vast and oppressed today.\nAs a woman baring the scars of an evening wasted with friends, I felt I deserved it. I could be at home smoking a spliff and binging myself into an early onset of dementia with Netflix.\nBut instead I was invited down the fucking pub…\nMy only weakness.\nHow cruel is the conniving and calculating nature of these people.\nThey know I’d do anything for that first crisp sip of a white zinfandel after an agonising day spent away from the pub.\nThey may be the folly of my weakness but they are not the cause.\nThe cause is that I don’t think anyone has a clue what I’m saying.\nSo I suppose they are the cause.\nI don’t know they’re probably all just jealous.\nWhat? Where’s my pizza?\nBanging on the glass counter demanding sustenance and sliding downward. The man behind the counter says something about holding up the Que. My surroundings come sliding back into awareness and I remember I have to pay.\nThaaaaaaaaanks.\nI say jeeringly and with a flirtatious intonation in my voice.\nI have to be one of the nicest peoples to have ever bought a pizza in the whole wide world ever.\nFeeling emotionally elated with my sheer display of unity and politeness. I find a cosy corner by the door and sit on the floor there till my orders ready.\nHumming joyfully on the floor by the door I come to realise that I’m lucky to live in a world where I can have the choice between pizza and chips. The thought washes over me like a warm blanket and I sink further into the tiles, blessed that soon I will be eating a pizza and that everything in the world will seem as right as it always should and that I won’t have to pay for a taxi because I can just call my dad.",
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      "body": "Right! I’m bloody off! As I down the last of my gin.\nScrunching a loose piece of poetry into the pits of my overcoat pocket off to the next bar. I hastily jam the stiff end of my role up into my mouth. And pull out a box of swans.\nIt’s not the slightest bit cold but as per, I’m shaking like a shitting dog.\nBollocks! I hiss at the ground as I fumble about, hrrmmmm 24/25 matches on the floor?\nI bend down further so my eyesight is parallel to the ground… hello my old friend. I think briefly.\nI’ll be facing you again sometime this evening. I feel shifty as someone passing I believe just commented the same thing. Continuing to rummage around on the floor I grasp one of the matches through the tips of my gloves.\nStrategy.\nBiting my nails through wool had finally paid off. Uncomfortability and paranoia was working out for me. Who’s fucking laughing now, I begin to snigger, then begin to stand back up straight, but not before.\nFlicking the end of the match against the abrasive edge of the soggy packet. It flicks lights and goes out.\nIn a harrumph. I’m certainly not introducing myself back to the floor, I’ve spoken to her already today and a second encounter would just be odd. Especially so soon after speaking.\nI see a tall spindly fellow smoking a pipe down the way and I slide up along-side him raising a finger in a questioning manner. \nBut he quickly moves away. I exhale and look shiftily the other way. There must be someone else.\n A man steps out from the shadows behind the biffa bins and offers me a light.\nAhhh errr yess. That’s it. Urm yes.\nI stop talking as words I find are pointless in these situations and I couldn’t give a fuck who’s light I was using\nCheers. I say blowing smoke in his face.\nHe immediately demands a cigarette back. As he says something about returning the favour.\nSiiiiiigh. I suppose so. \nI pull out my tobacco and I feel a blunt then immediately cottonwolly feeling as the man from behind the bins smacks me over my swede, proceeding to snatch my by baccy out of my loosely fading grip.\nI feel a combination\nWACK…. WACK…. WACK.\nAll goes as dark as the poetry stuffed near my armpit. I turn and fall headfirst toward the ground.\nThis encounter with the ground was going to be very awkward under these circumstances and would need some explaining. No please madam it wasn’t my decision! \nBut as per, I had encountered her again a lot sooner than fate had predicted.",
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      "body": "Halloween. A fateful night of ghosts and ghoulies. Racking my brains like it was last night’s antics. My direction on the road to fabulous had come to a fork in its path. Did I go with slutty cat…or sexy mermaid?\nMy crippling obsession with jumpsuits was swinging my indecision toward slutty cat but the onslaught of men up-ahead shouting nice pussy in my face was feeling abit daunting… as I knew I’d probably feel encouraged to prove myself that it was. I didn’t need that kind of encouragement. But any excuse really. A Grinch like grin raised upon my face as I knew I didn’t even need an excuse either.\nSexy mermaid it was…my tits looked peng as a mermaid. I start belting out under the sea over the top of some pumping euro-pop I had turned right up to piss off the neighbours. The prosperity of being half fish had driven me into a quick bought of alcoholism as I started downing Russian liquids in a way that was only possible if I had gills.\nTits on fleek I headed for the door. To be greated by a large goonish tiger throwing handfuls of frosties at me shouting. I’m greeeeeaaaat. Tony the tiger was out for Halloween again this year, but having just spending the length of an average person’s childhood on my hair, It was not ‘greeeeaaat’ at all that this bellend, had just buffed a load of sugar into it. Someone was obviously still battling through their own childhood and my hair needed another lifetime. \nTony sat down on the edge of the bed and started shovelling handfuls of frosties from his party kit into his mouth… thaaaats it tony. I mumbled. Tigers don’t cope well with diabetes and nobody want to give 5 pound a month to fat tigers.\nTony went on to say he didn’t have any money for entry to the club we were going to. So looks like Fat tigers just scrounge their way out of extinction.\nYeah course I do tony. I said gritting my teeth\nGutted. as I knew he was just going to throw frosties around as soon as he got in and get kicked out.\nI wondered If I Tiger and a mermaid fucked and had babies… would it make the perfect Halloween costume. Slutty cat and sexy mermaid in one. My skin crawled at the prospect of procreating with Tony. I really didn’t wanna see his tiger dick. \nHair on point Tony raised his arms ready to throw more frosties into it but I quickly told him to fuck off and gave his frostie filled paws a shake. Not now Tony…not now. I said in a purely defeatist tone. feeling pretty tested I marched us toward the door as best I could.\nAs we got out the door Tony had spotted a group of girls with large hoops crossing the road. Tony bounded over and emptied his Frosties over their heads shouting I’m fucking great again like if Donald Trump had starred in the life of pi and was running a campaign for cereal.\nThe girls looked at each other and started spouting off raw aggro with the intention of taking it out on me not tony.\nFuck this. I left it to Tony and took off down the road. With one of my tits becoming unadjusted and flopping out as I ran… fucking tigers I thought… as I made my escape down the road\nI guess you can still be a pussy and a mermaid at the same time after all.",
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      "body": "Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks I’m gonna strangle someone soon, if someone doesn’t read the board I’m gonna flip out and tell the staff what I think of them then fuck off home. Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks it’s all bollocks. As I watch the customers dribbling and scoffing into their pints with their appalling witty banter I stand here a king because I’m a member of the club. I’m actually the only member of the club come to think of it. That club, the only club, the tired and sad club.\nYes I am a king in my own right, they think their special but there just big twats. Today I’m gonna smile because frankly I can’t be arsed with people. They can all suck a chode. It fills me with a pleasant feeling knowing that my club is having its chode sucked on the regs by enthusiastic wankers who know nothing of being tired and sad. Hiding in the cider bar the first punter shuffles to the bar and looks over the rim of his crusty glasses and asks for a taster of a red lager.\n Sigh. “ yes urm nice bouquet “ he says. \nSiiiigh. I almost puke from his bullshit and agree with him completely. “Yes your right sir you are a complete wanker, well done” I think to myself. The glass is heavy so I scratch my balls and wipe it on my t-shirt. God I’m tired. So very tired. I wonder when I’m going to win the lottery so I can lie down for ages. I turn to give the man his change and buff his change into his pint. “Winning” I mumble under my breath and briefly stare and grin into space with a raised eyebrow I stare at the man and want to shout “down it you cunt” into his face… but I’m far to tired for such nonsense and it would just be sad. \nWith my sweaty ball hands I hastily fumble another pint into his hands and wonder if the bouquet smells slightly cheesier than before.\nI think about cheese for a while and sandwiches, fuck making a cheese sandwich, cheese sandwiches are long.\nAnother customer approaches, so I panic and shift away from the cider bar back to my station by the ipod. Some cunt is playing Alanis morrisette so I Que the cranberries and grimace into space for the remainder of the track. My song starts to play and I get a bit emosh.\nI slink back down the bar with my hands in my pocket scratching my balls. I find the gap between the fridge and jam myself in-between.\nI’m safe in my gap. Yes the gap is good. Im safe in my gap. This is my gap, I glare at staff as they pass, this is my gap. I love gap.\nI am the lord of gap.\nPressing myself against the side of the fridge I let out a quiet and under exaggerated moan.\nAnd scan the area for signs of enthusiasm.\nI find none. This day is turning out better than I thought.\nSometimes I wonder if I’ll ever witness the embarrassing skip of enthusiasm again. Hopefully not in this lifetime. As I survey the surrounding area I wheeze into my inhaler proud that today was a particularly tired and sad endeavour and that I should finish work soon and can sit down.",
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