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      "permlink": "social-distance-doggos",
      "title": "Social Distance Doggos",
      "body": "![IMG_5318.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmTVQPQAXSRUJwNxTCgjK2e44NvJQpPsPRmerU4tHcz9HP/IMG_5318.jpg)\n\n\n## <b>Social Distance Doggos</b> ##\n\n\nYa know.. I honestly feel very fortunate, during this current lock-down scenario. \n\nOne of the reasons is that I have access to a large and beautiful lakeside park that is located just a few blocks down the street from my home. This access allows the Doggos & I to stretch our legs & breathe in some fresh air on an almost daily basis, and I've really been enjoying these cool Midwest US Spring days recently. \n\nIts quiet out. There is hardly any people or traffic in the neighborhood during the walk to the trail that connects to a back access park entrance gate. There are many birds singing their Springtime songs loudly, as is the way of their people. The air I'm breathing almost even seems cleaner in some sense. Perhaps this newly perceived pureness is the result of recent record low local traffic activity? Who knows, it does feel like a quieter world to me these days, and I'm breathing this crisp air in deeply as I let the dogs pull me along. They know the way. They've made this trip 1000 times before. I could close my eyes and we'd assuredly end up where we're meant to be. In this breath I realize how relaxing the moment is, despite the world seemingly being on fire. I feel humbled. \n\nWe find the trail and climb the hill. There is one vehicle pulling out of the pavilion as we step off of the trail, out of the woods, and into the clearing. A friendly younger woman smiles as she passes by on her way out. The dogs usually generate this reaction from individuals they come into contact with. It never ceases to amaze me how disarming a dog can be when it comes to interacting with a total stranger. These two dogs in particular seem to have that skill-set with amplified cuteness and personality. It must be a rough life to have strangers consistently running up to hug and love on you at all times, eh?\n\nThis side of the park is now empty. The dogs are unleashed and the fun can now truly begin! Its a bit chilly, and the wind is a steady cool gust, yet our party came prepared for this in that I personally layered up prior to leaving, and both dogs came with whatever DLC provided \"Natural Fur Coat\" (+5 Warmth, +3 Hit Points, +5 Character), so we take our time enjoying the experience.\n\nIf things ever get \"back to normal\" someday, I know this park will again be filled with people and cars. The dogs will not be able to be unleashed to run freely, and the bird's beautiful songs will all be hidden behind the wash of \"normal\" background vehicle noise pollution. Perhaps the air won't even taste as clean. In this model: Today is a blessing. I think the dogs know it too. They seem extra happy today.\n\nI figured I'd share a short clip of the scenery aforementioned for anyone that may be stuck inside somewhere on this host cell Earth, tired of staring at a set of all too familiar looking walls. Find things that make you smile & absorb them. Be thankful for anything beautiful that brings you peace. As we've all learned from this pandemic experience, things can change very quickly with seemingly little notice. Any peaceful moment slows the rendering from moving too fast.\n\nStay safe out there Friends!\n\nhttps://youtu.be/-iHRFRO5p9E",
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      "author": "giftedgaia",
      "permlink": "back-in-my-day-yada-yada-yada",
      "title": "Back in MY day.. yada yada yada!",
      "body": "![IMG_5249.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmcHz7YSfa9xLxbeFtqgxHGRrevGEXBXMFjKzoFAYRMt8f/IMG_5249.jpg)\n\n\nGreetings Steemit,\n\nI've been spending a lot of time these days enjoying the sound of the chimes blowing in the wind, while seated on the back deck. My home state is on a lock down order... and so life, without warning, suddenly went from \"Go! Go! Go! Go!\" mode every minute of everyday to something akin of the sound a turntable makes when you disconnect power while the record is playing, so that it slows down in a pool of lowering bass toned finality. \n\nTwo weeks into this stay-at-home order and the days have already blurred. I'm suddenly finding room to process thoughts and memories in a newly rested & far less distracted mind.  Its been calming, and at times, incredibly retrospective. \n\nI miss this place. I miss the cool humans (and a few bots) I met on this space. I miss getting up early on weekend mornings to prep & then perform on a discord show about this community, which gave me the opportunity to meet & talk with some of the finest of you. \n\nThis OG poster fell off the path a long time ago, and the few updates that have slipped through my walls leave me somewhat confused & wondering if any of my former friendlies are still present here after all the turmoil - or have most of you all also traveled somewhere further along the path?\n\nPerhaps I'll just ring the chow bell here with this post, and see if anyone familiar comes calling. I've got a lot of time on my hands for the next few weeks & feel as if writting or casting like I used to should be part of this experience. This place, and the people I used to interact with regularly here, used to always stoke those creative fires inside of me. Should I direct those expressions to this site as was tested and proven once before, or has there been an offsite evolution of sorts, as the case may be? I guess what I'm asking here is simply: \"Someone throw me a frick'n bone!\"\n\nAnd if anyone happens to be tossing out bones - here's a picture of one of the dogs for good measure. She too would like some of your delicious meaty bones. Of that, I have no doubt!\n\n![IMG_5219.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmSRh2njTd9XJUBotATX7Mceh26KsH1GwhivND7FhdttMQ/IMG_5219.jpg)\n\n\n## Cheers Steemit!\n# ~GiftedGaia\n___\n___\n\n<a href=\"https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@giftedgaia/we-rise-by-lifting-others-greetings-steemit\">-Who is: GiftedGaia?</a>\n\n<a href=\"https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@giftedgaia/1-year-later-who-is-giftedgaia-a-re-evaluation-re-introduction-post\">-Who is: GiftedGaia 1 Year Later?</a>\n\n<a href=\"https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@giftedgaia/who-is-giftedgaia-2-years-later\">-Who is: GiftedGaia 2 Years Later?</a>\n\n<a href=\"https://www.mixcloud.com/JasonDeal/\">-My DJ Mixes Archive</a>\n\n<a href=\"https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_dP2hI9TzM1FT5utThXPGQ\">-My Youtube Page (lots of Drone Videos)</a>\n\n<a href=\"https://steemit.com/quote/@giftedgaia/giftedgaia-s-favorite-quotations-on-life-and-music\">-GiftedGaia's Favorite Quotations on Life and Music</a>\n\n-Photogenic Adventures Series:  <a href=\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-1-german-car-club\">1, </a><a href=\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-2-super-happy-fun-airport-day\">2, </a><a href=\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-3-shots-from-my-home\">3, </a><a href=\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-4-return-of-the-german-car-club\">4, </a><a href=\"https://steemit.com/life/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-5-top-4-near-disasters-with-my-drone\">5</a>, <a href=\"https://steemit.com/life/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-series-episode-6-favorite-photographs-i-ve-taken-w-a-drone-camera\">6</a>\n\n-+1 Point on the 'Humans are Good' side: <a href=\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\">1</a> , <a href=\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/6v6ogk-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\">2</a> , <a href=\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/47z3ex-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\">3</a> , <a href=\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/3bvzbe-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\">4</a> , <a href=\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/2bhfvr-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\">5</a>",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"steemit\",\"ocd\",\"life\",\"freewriters\",\"writing\"],\"image\":[\"https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmcHz7YSfa9xLxbeFtqgxHGRrevGEXBXMFjKzoFAYRMt8f/IMG_5249.jpg\",\"https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmSRh2njTd9XJUBotATX7Mceh26KsH1GwhivND7FhdttMQ/IMG_5219.jpg\"],\"links\":[\"https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@giftedgaia/we-rise-by-lifting-others-greetings-steemit\",\"https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@giftedgaia/1-year-later-who-is-giftedgaia-a-re-evaluation-re-introduction-post\",\"https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@giftedgaia/who-is-giftedgaia-2-years-later\",\"https://www.mixcloud.com/JasonDeal/\",\"https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_dP2hI9TzM1FT5utThXPGQ\",\"https://steemit.com/quote/@giftedgaia/giftedgaia-s-favorite-quotations-on-life-and-music\",\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-1-german-car-club\",\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-2-super-happy-fun-airport-day\",\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-3-shots-from-my-home\",\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-4-return-of-the-german-car-club\",\"https://steemit.com/life/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-5-top-4-near-disasters-with-my-drone\",\"https://steemit.com/life/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-series-episode-6-favorite-photographs-i-ve-taken-w-a-drone-camera\",\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\",\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/6v6ogk-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\",\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/47z3ex-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\",\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/3bvzbe-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\",\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/2bhfvr-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\"],\"app\":\"steemit/0.2\",\"format\":\"markdown\"}"
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      "memo": "Hi @giftedgaia. @reggaemuffin didn't sign a block in the last two months. It's important for every stake holder to vote for active witnesses. Please update your votes accordingly. That being said, I am a hard-working witness with stable block production. You can see my witness related work at https://emrebeyler.me. I would be happy if you consider me once you reshuffle your votes. Here is a quick link to vote for my witness: https://app.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=emrebeyler&approve=1"
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      "permlink": "steemitboard-notify-giftedgaia-20190726t235806000z",
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      "body": "Congratulations @giftedgaia! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@giftedgaia/birthday3.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 3 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@giftedgaia) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=giftedgaia)_</sub>\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "Thank you for sharing your story. One can’t begin to tell you the reason for why you are experiencing what you are, but I would advice you to stay the course and continue to listen to your intuition. Clearly you are being guided for a purpose or else you would not have experienced those powerful messages about your recent relationship. I’m not exactly in the place to give you advice as I don’t know you, but if I were in your shoes I would put out the strongest intentions I could for answers and continued guidance for what I am supposed to do. Then I would pay attention to the signs I receive and do my best to act on them. \n\nI once read an interesting book that I’ll share called “The Surrender Experiment,” by Michael Singer. In this book he deals with a breakup with a significant other, that at the time, he didn’t understand. The book is about much more than that - Surrendering your life to intention and purpose to which guides us. Along the way the author discovers his path to purpose and success; despite not always knowing why at specific life events when they’d occur.\n\nI wish you the absolute best through this difficult time and hope that you find your way back onto the path for which you are meant to travel.\n\nPosted using [Partiko iOS](https://steemit.com/@partiko-ios)",
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      "body": "I read every word and to be honest, I know it isn't the most modern point of view, but I would not be excited about anyone I'm in a relationship with toying around with other people and the occasional kiss.  I'm not even trying to \"make her wrong\".  I am just saying that wouldn't work for me, and so I would want to find someone who agrees.\n\nI hear the emotion and I think of \"Fear of Abandonment\"  often the fear makes the initial feelings overwhelming.\n\nWho am I to say it, but maybe this free-spirited, friendly gal isn't the best fit for you.  Maybe you need someone a little more steady and willing to understand some of your emotional reactions without making you feel bad about your concerns.\n\nEither way, I heard you and hope you achieve some relief from being willing to be so open.",
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      "body": "\"Time and time again I find myself in this position. Falling in love, giving my heart, only to discover that what I provide 'isn't enough' and my partner has to go seek whatever is missing from another man\"\n\nI don't know you, only from what you've written in this post, but this just isn't true. You'll never truly know the reason she has treated you this way, but you can be sure it has nothing to do with you, what you provide or have to offer. Her actions towards you are far and away a greater reflection on her as a person, than on you.\n\nI've been through something kind of similar in the not-too-distant past and I can only offer this advice; forget about wondering where your soul mate is, whether they're waiting for you, how long you're going to have to wait for the next serious relationship... Take this time for you. Do some things you love to do, be it by yourself or with friends, family, strangers... Remember those things you used to love doing that fell by the wayside over the years. Don't close yourself off, but learn to love yourself and your own company again.\n\nYour post is beautifully written. Maybe this could be a starting point? Have you ever written before?\n\nWell done, and thanks for sharing.",
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      "body": "@@ -18033,16 +18033,30 @@\n e back..\n+ at least just\n  for onc\n@@ -18525,24 +18525,31 @@\n ourse of my \n+entire \n life.. at so\n",
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      "title": "Trying to find a pulse as your heart is breaking",
      "body": "@@ -17371,20 +17371,26 @@\n ch. How \n-long\n+many years\n  is it g\n@@ -17426,22 +17426,21 @@\n HIS girl\n-. This\n+? The\n  girl ac\n@@ -17464,16 +17464,21 @@\n m me now\n+, who\n  was onc\n@@ -17564,21 +17564,22 @@\n onship, \n-I was\n+had me\n  thinkin\n",
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      "title": "Trying to find a pulse as your heart is breaking",
      "body": "@@ -17366,16 +17366,71 @@\n ry much.\n+ How long is it going to take me to get over THIS girl.\n  This gi\n",
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      "title": "Trying to find a pulse as your heart is breaking",
      "body": "@@ -12079,16 +12079,44 @@\n e night.\n+ Due to the initial silence,\n  I hones\n@@ -12123,24 +12123,39 @@\n tly figured \n+something like \n that was wha\n",
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      "body": "@@ -8650,24 +8650,30 @@\n d calls her \n+first \n to bail him \n@@ -8688,21 +8688,37 @@\n roubles \n-often\n+he's made for himself\n . Though\n",
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      "body": "@@ -1751,23 +1751,18 @@\n ser \n-soul as a \n human\n+ soul\n , be\n@@ -1845,17 +1845,17 @@\n late 201\n-8\n+7\n  I recei\n",
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      "author": "giftedgaia",
      "permlink": "trying-to-find-a-pulse-as-your-heart-is-breaking",
      "title": "Trying to find a pulse as your heart is breaking",
      "body": "![550px-nowatermark-Draw-a-Broken-Heart-Step-5-preview.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmWXkyJpY3PYqfxTsVoxMZyFpcVJ8XKbLsz7ecqYTPuwb8/550px-nowatermark-Draw-a-Broken-Heart-Step-5-preview.jpg)\n\nGreetings Steemit,\n\nI'm sitting here this morning in a moment of stunning and crippling realization that has left my soul feeling shattered like a pane of broken glass. Its strange to think that I could find any therapeutic comfort in writing this post, as I'm an incredibly private person regarding my 'feelings' and such. I don't know, maybe I'm reaching out... maybe I'm just needing to vent. In either case - I can feel my heart beating rapidly in my throat as I strike these keys, and I suppose I'm so tired of feeling like a burden to my  real life friends & family by always going to them for advice in these moments, at this particular second, sharing my woes here instead to a different crowd of people who do not really 'know' me seems like an applicable action. \n\nLast year I fell head over heels in love with a girl who I thought from the minute we started dating that \"This is who I've been waiting for my entire life, I've finally found my soul mate!\" We've been living together since Feb 2018, and as of this morning, that relationship is over. \n\nI just turned 40 years old 2 weeks ago, have never been married, and have no children. I don't really 'date' when I'm single.. in fact I've dated only 3 ladies over the course of the past 15+ years. The earliest two examples of those attachments are now, in hind sight, classified as \"very poor decisions on my part\". Its taken me literally years to process those relationships/break ups, and I spent over 3 years stone cold single trying to get my head on straight, and work on growing a wiser soul as a human, before proceeding to give myself to someone else in that way again. \n\nThen in late 2018 I received an email from a social media acquaintance that I barely knew. It was clear within the first few back & forths that she was interested, and stepping outside my comfort zone I decided \"What could go wrong, lets give dating a shot again\". I feel that going into this first meeting I may have been more 'centered' than I ever had been before when meeting someone for the first time. I felt like the years of social solitude had all been building to this moment, and was absolutely knocked off my feet when we met. \n\nI'm a creature of habit, and intuition. I felt a special kinship with this girl immediately, unlike anything I had every experienced before, and it wasn't long before we found ourselves in a relationship. At that time, I couldn't have been happier. In fact looking back: It very well may have been the happiest months of my life. Shortly there after she moved in with me and I spent the next few months trying to pull my heart back down from floating away on Cloud 9. \n\nAt some point the honeymoon period began to wear off, and like all relationships, some cracks began to appear in the armor. We were very similar in a lot of ways - but also very, very different in others. On paper it seems as if we should be completely compatible, as we both say we want the same base line things in our relationship.  We both come from damaged back grounds, yet I honestly felt as if I could trust her enough to finally, for once in my 4 decades here on this host cell earth, lay my burden down and have someone on my team to be there for me... no matter what. \n\nMany things went wrong over the next year, and we've had an 'on again / off again' relationship for at least 6-8 months now. It would be easy for me to express every pitfall and issue I have with her right now, every problem that I feel I did nothing to cause - but those damages are done and I suppose trying to play 'the blame game' will get me nothing in return. We both didn't treat each other with love when we should have, many times over, and we're both to blame for the relationship deteriorating. \n\nDespite the on/off again status - I still cannot ignore my feelings for her. I realize that I'm only a Human man, and that there are chemicals firing (or missing) in my brain at the moment that act almost like the brain of a person who is addicted to drugs & needing a fix. I spent so many years alone that just having a warm hug available upon request seems like a luxury I thought I didn't deserve, and would never have. I also realize that since we live together until the lease is up in mid May, its going to be very hard to find a clean break and move forward, considering every single day results in several points of contact. Despite trying to put 'logic' before my 'emotions'.. we still end up getting back together after the drama dust has settled. In all honesty, we've probably broken up and got back together about 40-50 times over the last year and a half. \n\nWhen I speak those numbers out loud, I expect any rational person reading this to have the assumption that we are in a toxic relationship. Its strange to me, because I would assume the same thing in reading anyone else speaking those stories - but its honestly not that either of us are toxic people, we just cannot communicate effectively when angry at each other. It always seems to escalate, and I've practiced every technique I have at my disposal to right the ship back on course. Unfortunately these efforts have been to no avail, and I can honestly say that when you try harder than you ever have in any relationship to 'make it work' ... it just stings that much more when it doesn't.\n\nWe were on a break a few weeks ago, and she decided to skip town to visit a close male friend of hers that is going through a contentious divorce. They've been friends forever, and despite her knowing that he has feelings for her, she's been able to keep his friendship without anything ever 'crossing a line'. I was very worried about her leaving the state to stay the weekend at the home of a guy who we both know likes her more than a friend, yet she assured me time and time again before leaving that I had nothing to worry about. \n\nShe left on a Thursday and texted me every day she was gone. Her texts included just generic break downs of what they were doing that day, and almost every text included an unspoken code to the tune of \"No stresses\", which was her way of reassuring me that she was just there as a friend, despite the fact that she had broken up with me shortly before leaving town. I kept my distance, only texting her in response to a text that she sent me first. I never called or bothered her in any way, and honestly just believed what she was telling me as I considered her to be an honest person. I felt that her taking the time to update me everyday was reassurance enough that I had nothing to worry about. \n\nShe returned on a Sunday, and I greeted her at the door with a warm embrace upon her return. I asked her how her weekend was, and she gave me a thorough breakdown of all the fun they had while she was gone. She then made a passing comment that went something like \"It was a great weekend, well - there was one thing that was bad, but I don't want to talk about it\" and moved on with the stories. In my head I figured that she could be referring to anything from 'she had a bad meal' to' she spent too much money'. A few sentences later she mentioned that she lost a scarf that I had just gifted her recently, and seemed to be fairly upset by that occurrence - so despite my intuition 'pinging' that something was off, I just convinced myself that losing the scarf must have been what she was talking about. \n\nHaving her out of the house for several days gave me time to reflect on our relationship. I missed her terribly and we ended up talking and getting back together that evening she returned. Since that time we've had a few weeks together that felt like we had never been closer. We were talking productively, and it finally seemed like the needle had moved and we were moving forward together. I honestly felt as if my mind was rewiring itself, forgetting the hurt that I had experienced in the past, and becoming a more considerate, kind, and loving human. \n\nIts been a struggle for me. Without going into too many details in an attempt to respect her privacy, she's coming from a situation in which she has to keep in contact with her ex-fiance for the time being. They never were married, and they have no children together, but based on a situation that is ongoing, he has an active invite to reach out an talk to her whenever he needs to. Though I've never met the guy, I can say that I hold no respect for him at all based on what she's told me about him and their past. He often time needs help of some sort, and calls her to bail him out of troubles often. Though she may tell you otherwise based on her experience, I do not feel as if I am a possessive person. I have, however, been cheated on in almost every relationship I've ever been in, so its been very very  hard for me to accept and adjust to having this ex lover of hers always in the picture. She also has many, many male friends who have intentions and agendas, and she had assured me that she's dealt with that her whole life, and I have nothing to worry about when it comes to those other guys always hovering around. \n\nThis past Friday she asked if I wanted to see a picture of her that was relative to the conversation we were having in the moment. I said \"Sure\", it then came with the caveat that the picture was on her ex's FB page, and she'd have to pull it up to show me. In this minute, sitting on the couch cuddled up with my girlfriend, it just kinda hit me that I didn't want to spend the few seconds it would take looking at pictures of her & her ex until she found the one she was looking for. I just wanted to be there in that moment, enjoying her company, just the two of us without having to visually slideshow her ex fiance into the mix. In retrospect, I don't feel as if that feeling was an insensitive one.. I guess I'm just tired of him always being on the phone, or hearing a story of a friend trying to take her on a date, or a coworker commenting on how good her butt looks - I deal with that shit every other day, and just wanted to have that moment with my gf without having to process any of that. So I responded that I didn't want to see the picture if it meant going to her ex's page. \n\nUnfortunately she took offense to my request, pointing out that she just wanted to share a happy memory with me, and it didn't matter (to her) that the picture was located on her ex's page. We spoke a few sentences more, and I acquiesced. She pulled up the pictures and shared her story. I nodded through it and she then grabbed the remote to fire up Netlix & move on. In that moment, despite my intuition screaming \"Now's not the time, don't ruin it!\", I grabbed the remote and spoke my mind. \n\nI explained that I don't feel as if I've ever had her attention 100% in the now year and a half we've been together. There is always an ex texting, always a contingent of male 'friends' circling our relationship like vultures, always a coworker that sexually harasses her without her stopping it. I expressed my concerns that I would always have to deal with this, and that she isn't doing enough to curtail all these other suitors waiting in the wings. We went back & forth tactfully and that's when I decided to get clarification on the one thing that had been nagging my mind since she first mentioned it a month ago. I then asked \"What exactly happened on your trip last month that you didn't want to talk about.\"\n\nShe paused for seemed like 20 seconds of silence, and every second that ticked past in that minute, my heart sank lower and lower and lower. She responded she didn't want to talk about it. I retorted that I did want to talk about it, and asked again. Another destructively long pause occurred, in which she then responded she didn't want to talk about it because of how she knew I would react to it. After another gentle push, she answered my question. She stated he had leaned in to kiss her while they were out at a bar one night. I honestly figured that was what had happened, so I simply asked if she had pulled away when it happened. She stated \"No, it just happened. It felt wrong, and I've addressed it since then\".  We went back & forth a bit about how that made me feel, and I ended up leaving the room to center, as my hands were shaking so bad with adrenaline in hearing this information that I thought I might pass out. We had more conversation later that evening, and I flat out stated that my trust had been broken due her texts all weekend saying \"no stresses\" despite that kiss occurring. She also framed it as if he had kissed her, it meant nothing to her, and that she had talked with him about it to clarify. \n\nTwo days have passed. We've had a tremendous argument yesterday in trying to speak about it. It culminated with us giving back gifts that had been given during the relationship, and making plans as to who is moving out when the lease is up in May. I went to bed last night feeling broken, yet still wanted to find some sort of 'center' beyond my emotions being wrapped up in this, and trying to think about it clearly without emotions or tears swaying my judgement. I woke up after being asleep only an hour or so, and stayed up all night looking out the window at the snow falling, wondering how to proceed. \n\nThis morning I knocked on her door and we spoke lovingly about the situation. I felt the combination of no sleep plus how tired I am from just all the drama the past few nights has left me completely drained, and I was in no danger of an escalation in conversation due to the fact I literally have nothing else to give right now.. no energy.. no tears left to cry.  She was very kind in that moment an offered to rub on my forehead since I had a headache, and I allowed the kindness, laying my head in her lap as she massaged my temples. I then dozed off. \n\nIn that short sleep I had a vivid dream about her & this guy. They were making out on a couch, and I was standing outside of his house but could see what was going on through the window. I brought all the hurt/betrayal/anger that I've been feeling the past few days with me into this dream, and when I knocked on the door they jumped apart and pretended like nothing was happening. I expressed my concerns, not letting them know that I watched it happen through the window, and turned to leave the room completely heartbroken. I then shuttered awake. \"How long have I been sleeping\" I asked my ex. She responded \"maybe 20 minutes\". The dream felt like it lasted hours despite the short plot. I closed my eyes and fell back asleep. The dream then replayed itself in its entirety. Only this time when I turned to leave the room, my ex and her male friend began laughing at my expense, behind my back, as I exited. I then awoke again. \n\nNot being able to shake the intensity of that dream happening a second time, I knew my intuition was on to something.  I opened my eyes. I was still laying in my ex's lap. I then asked \"Are there any other secrets you haven't told me about since we've been together?\" Much to my utter horror, the silence fell upon us again. A poignant pause, and I knew what that meant. She then admitted to me that they in fact kissed a second time as she was leaving. This time it wasn't as unprompted as the previous bar story time. This time she didn't pull back. This time it wasn't weird. This time, it was a real kiss. \n\nI thanked her for being honest with me, got up, and left the room. I'm now sitting here typing all this out, and I honestly don't know how to proceed. I feel completely betrayed, disposable, lied to, and heart broken. She obviously has feelings for this guy and has been lying to me about it for weeks. She kissed him, by choice, then was in my bed hours later upon return home. I feel disgusted and used. Like I've lost my soul mate, my best friend, and all that 'hope' I had been building for years of being single before meeting her.  Why do people do this to each other? I'll never understand it. Time and time again I find myself in this position. Falling in love, giving my heart, only to discover that what I provide 'isn't enough' and my partner has to go seek whatever is missing from another man. This is literally how almost every relationship I've ever been in has ended. I concede that she did, in fact, break up with me prior to leaving for this trip - however she texted me the entire time saying \"no stresses\" which at the time felt like a ray of sunshine pulling me out of a depressing thought pattern that may have consumed me while she was away. Now those texts feel like brutal and devious lies spoken by the one person I thought I would always be able to trust.. no matter what. \n\nI don't have a back up plan at this moment. I don't know what I'm going to do moving forward. The conversation today has been cordial with no screaming or anger - however what she just told me has literally hurt me more than any other person ever has done so. I feel empty, alone, and utterly useless. \n\nAt what point, after 40 fucking years, will I learn to avoid these situations. I spent over 3 years rebuilding myself after my last relationship prior to this one, and I honestly didn't even really like that person very much. This girl across the hall from me now was once considered to be the love of my life, and for the first time ever in a relationship, I was thinking of things I had never broached before such as 'marriage' and 'children'.  I suppose if anything I should be thankful that this all came to light before going down those roads - but saying that honestly just feels like my mind firing off whatever defense mechanism its capable of to not wander down a darker path. I've dealt with suicidal thoughts and depression in my past, and damn it - just wanted to be happy with someone who honestly loves me back.. for once in my life. \n\nThis is probably the most sad, sorry, and squalid post I've ever shared here. I fully expect to regret posting it, to be honest. That said - I suppose I'm just in a position this morning in which it would be nice to accept any kindness that may be floating around these Steemy waters today. So here I am fishing.. hoping this universe will allow me to catch a kind word of reassurance that despite my stunning resume of relationship failures over the course of my life.. at some point this will all make sense and I'll be thankful to have survived the experience due to where it leads me.  I'm not sure what else to do. I've cried so much I feel like I don't have any more tears left. I hurt so much all I feel is numbness. I've given all my love to someone who took it for granted, and failed to save any left for myself to help survive this situation. How many years am I going to be single this time, trying to rebuild? Will I ever fall in love again? If so, will it be before my 50th birthday? There are so many unanswered questions, so much pain, so much I wish I could just forget. \n\nDespite not knowing a damned thing about how I'm supposed to just shut off my feelings for this person & somehow move on, I suppose there is a lesson here for anyone reading this. That lesson is simply \"Do NOT take the people that you care about in life for granted. Take every opportunity to thank them for their love. Life changes fast & hard sometimes, and you never know who may be leaving your life tomorrow. Prove to them that you're thankful for their presence every chance you get.\" Or, at least know that some of us would give anything to have what other people so very often take for granted. Its so very true that we never really know what we have, until its gone. \n\nSo begins the process of reorganizing, rebuilding, and hopefully some day.. healing. I'll be spending the day trying to convince myself that the reason I'm going through this hell right now, is due to the fact that my soul mate is still out there somewhere, and the love we'll share someday will dominantly dwarf this pain I'm feeling right now. \n\nBy God... I hope so.\n\nThanks for listening. \n\n# ~GiftedGaia\n___\n___\n\n<a href=\"https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@giftedgaia/we-rise-by-lifting-others-greetings-steemit\">-Who is: GiftedGaia?</a>\n\n<a href=\"https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@giftedgaia/1-year-later-who-is-giftedgaia-a-re-evaluation-re-introduction-post\">-Who is: GiftedGaia 1 Year Later?</a>\n\n<a href=\"https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@giftedgaia/who-is-giftedgaia-2-years-later\">-Who is: GiftedGaia 2 Years Later?</a>\n\n<a href=\"https://www.mixcloud.com/JasonDeal/\">-My DJ Mixes Archive</a>\n\n<a href=\"https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_dP2hI9TzM1FT5utThXPGQ\">-My Youtube Page (lots of Drone Videos)</a>\n\n<a href=\"https://steemit.com/quote/@giftedgaia/giftedgaia-s-favorite-quotations-on-life-and-music\">-GiftedGaia's Favorite Quotations on Life and Music</a>\n\n-Photogenic Adventures Series:  <a href=\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-1-german-car-club\">1, </a><a href=\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-2-super-happy-fun-airport-day\">2, </a><a href=\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-3-shots-from-my-home\">3, </a><a href=\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-4-return-of-the-german-car-club\">4, </a><a href=\"https://steemit.com/life/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-5-top-4-near-disasters-with-my-drone\">5</a>, <a href=\"https://steemit.com/life/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-series-episode-6-favorite-photographs-i-ve-taken-w-a-drone-camera\">6</a>\n\n-+1 Point on the 'Humans are Good' side: <a href=\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\">1</a> , <a href=\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/6v6ogk-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\">2</a> , <a href=\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/47z3ex-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\">3</a> , <a href=\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/3bvzbe-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\">4</a> , <a href=\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/2bhfvr-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\">5</a>",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"life\",\"mindset\",\"love\",\"story\",\"blog\"],\"image\":[\"https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmWXkyJpY3PYqfxTsVoxMZyFpcVJ8XKbLsz7ecqYTPuwb8/550px-nowatermark-Draw-a-Broken-Heart-Step-5-preview.jpg\"],\"links\":[\"https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@giftedgaia/we-rise-by-lifting-others-greetings-steemit\",\"https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@giftedgaia/1-year-later-who-is-giftedgaia-a-re-evaluation-re-introduction-post\",\"https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@giftedgaia/who-is-giftedgaia-2-years-later\",\"https://www.mixcloud.com/JasonDeal/\",\"https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_dP2hI9TzM1FT5utThXPGQ\",\"https://steemit.com/quote/@giftedgaia/giftedgaia-s-favorite-quotations-on-life-and-music\",\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-1-german-car-club\",\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-2-super-happy-fun-airport-day\",\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-3-shots-from-my-home\",\"https://steemit.com/photography/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-4-return-of-the-german-car-club\",\"https://steemit.com/life/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-episode-5-top-4-near-disasters-with-my-drone\",\"https://steemit.com/life/@giftedgaia/photogenic-adventures-series-episode-6-favorite-photographs-i-ve-taken-w-a-drone-camera\",\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\",\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/6v6ogk-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\",\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/47z3ex-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\",\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/3bvzbe-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\",\"https://steemit.com/positive/@giftedgaia/2bhfvr-1-point-on-the-humans-are-good-side\"],\"app\":\"steemit/0.1\",\"format\":\"markdown\"}"
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