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      "body": "Congratulations @for.the.fearless! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@for.the.fearless/birthday2.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 2 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@for.the.fearless) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=for.the.fearless)_</sub>\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "So this is new. The look I mean. I hope all four my readers like the new name and the kind of gold colour. I like it. How do I make a thumbs up emoji on this thing?\n\nAs you can see, the new name is For The Fearless. It just came to me in a split second, and I was tired of explaining that There’s Something About Jesus is a play on the movie title, There’s Something About Mary. Change is good, right?\n\nWith the external changes comes quite significant internal changes, which is also a good thing. I think once the external changes a lot has happened internally. It is like changing your eating habits – a shift happens in your mind and from there it affects your body and it starts showing on the outside by paying less for clothes because you have dropped six jean sizes. That would be great.\n\nThe last post I wrote I spoke about courage, which is ironic because I have been lacking that very thing. When I think of courage I think of Matt Damon in We Bought a Zoo and him having 20 seconds of insane courage and because he had that he started what people call: “A great adventure”. Just a side note: there is a reason comedies end with a wedding and dramas start with one. You do you.\n\nWhen I was little, I would yearn for my dad’s attention, just like all little girls. I would do things and think, “Today he’s going to be proud of me, and he’ll verbalise it too” that did not happen very often. I remember one day - this was the day I stopped TRYING to earn his attention - and I went up to him and wanted to give him a hug. I was about six or seven. As I was closing in on him, he pushed me away. Now, at that moment my whole little world just shattered. This all sounds very dramatic, it kind of was. In the background, I heard my mom say, “She wants to give you a hug” and his response was, “I am watching television.” I went to my room and just sat on my bed, very confused, and this gaping hole where love should have been begun filling with this intense loneliness.\n\nMost of what happens to us when we are little sets the tone for the rest of our lives. We live in response to that. Either we actively try to change and rise above, or we use all those things as an excuse to be a bad person. A lot of the time, we fear something or seek something because we were deprived of it as a youngin. For me, it is/was attention. One sunny day in Cape Town, I was standing in front of my sacred space – the fridge – and God spoke the words I did not know I was dreading. He said in His normal voice, “You suffer so deeply because you think attention is love.” I’ll give that a moment to sink in.\n\nOkay. You good?\n\nI do not know about you but it is one-liners like that that makes me want to drink, and I am not talking about water. I feel like when God explicitly points out something like that, He is tired of seeing me bump into the same wall repeatedly, like some idiot. Over and over in my life as an ‘adult’, I find myself thinking that my emotional age is like eight years old. Where I just want to sit with people I truly love and have their undivided attention. Ask them questions, have a cup of juice and talk to them about dogs, you know the normal things. As I grew up emotionally, I found that loneliness is a part of life. It is how we navigate the loneliness that matters. Trying to shove people into the lonely places that ache for attention is cruel and unfair because I am expecting them to fill a hole only God can. I have found that as I have shoved people into that gap inside my heart the hole just became bigger and bigger. It is like with drugs, the more you use the more you want and until you find a cure it is just going to get bigger and bigger.\n\nSome time ago, a friend asked me what I expected of our friendship. Mind you, this was just after God had told me that I am suffering. I do not know if I should expect anything from any friendship. I do not know if I am allowed to. Am I? In my mind, I just want to enjoy my friends. Get to know them, get to know who they are, likes and dislikes. What makes them laugh with their mouths open? I want them to want the same for me. Is that an expectation? I know for sure that if they were to place an expectation on me I would most likely disappoint them at some point.\n\nAs I’ve navigated these past few months, being incredibly depressed, losing my way completely, questioning everything I knew, I still had God in my ear whispering profound messages that have been written on my heart. Things that I can never un-know, and things I hope I never unlearn. It is a constant reminder that even when I feel like the loneliest person on the planet I always have Him as company, and that whenever I want a hug He’ll give me one and what’s more, He’ll truly enjoy it.\n\nIs it difficult hugging a person that is not physically there? Yup. Do I look insane doing it? Damn straight. Do I like looking insane? You betcha. I am just thinking that no matter our suffering, our questions, how far we have gone – and believe me, I am far-gone – He is right there to meet us.\n\nBrennan Manning - probably one of my favourite alcoholic, ragamuffin authors ever - wrote the following: “Suffering, failure, loneliness, sorrow, discouragement, and death will be part of your journey, but the Kingdom of God will conquer all these horrors. No evil can resist grace forever.”\n\nIn some book of the Bible Paul wrote, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” He wrote that while he was in prison. Y’all know that? Maybe while we are imprisoned, by whatever it is that is keeping us in chains, we can write the same and see how free we become when we realise that attention is not love and that sometimes we are lonely and sometimes we suffer and are discouraged, but at some point, the chains will break.\n\nCheck out this tune by MercyMe yo:\n\nhttps://youtu.be/B6fA35Ved-Y",
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      "body": "Congratulations @for.the.fearless! You have completed some achievement on Steemit and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :\n\n[![](https://steemitimages.com/70x80/http://steemitboard.com/notifications/posts.png)](http://steemitboard.com/@for.the.fearless) Award for the number of posts published\n\nClick on any badge to view your own Board of Honor on SteemitBoard.\nFor more information about SteemitBoard, click [here](https://steemit.com/@steemitboard)\n\nIf you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word `STOP`\n\n> By upvoting this notification, you can help all Steemit users. Learn how [here](https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/http-i-cubeupload-com-7ciqeo-png)!",
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      "body": "For most of my life, I've asked questions. When I was little I would drive my mom nuts with all my questions, and it wasn't just regular questions, it was questions about every single thing I saw, touched or smelt. And the interrogation would go on for hours and hours, and I would think about the answers for days, think of new questions, and go back and ask them. I was relentless. I still am. When I came to Christ, I started asking the Holy Trinity all these questions, but instead of an interrogation I surrendered the questions and then God and I would work through them together.\n\nLast year, when I lost two of my friends I stopped surrendering questions. I still asked plenty, but I refused to have a conversation about them. As time went by, the questions increased and grew much darker. I stopped believing that God is good, and that got me thinking that I may have never believed He was good in the first place. For more than a year I kept my mouth shut about this nagging inside of me. People would be all like, “Oooooh God is so so good...” and I would roll my eyes so hard and think, “STFU.” Every single time I did that the guilt would grow. And every time something else would happen where I'm like, “ARE YOU EVEN THERE?!”\n\nWhen I eventually started sharing this thought people would gasp and say I don't have any right to think that God isn't good. Who am I? I would try and explain my thought pattern, and they'd say, “Everything happens for a reason” or the ever famous, out of context, Romans 8:28. If you don't know what that says, please read THE WHOLE ROMANS 8 for context and never ever use it to try and ease someone else's pain. Just shut up if it pops into your head. First, everything doesn't happen for a reason. And if you use that platitude I will ask you what is the reason for eight-year-old girls getting raped, and slavery, and murders etc. And I want a legitimate reason, which there will never be. Second, in those times where you don't know what to say, just keep silent. Silence is fine people. Nobody's ever died from silence, yeah some people go crazy, but you won't die. Crazy people are more fun anyway.\n\nI have fits of rage, where I'm screaming and crying and snot's flying everywhere. I would punch walls, hurt my hand and curse so much. I have paralyzing depression and most days I don't want to get out of bed because there's literally no purpose. I would lie in bed just thinking how useless everything is, how useless I am. I read the news and bad things don't surprise me anymore, all I think is 'Mmm...seems about right'. This is obviously not a good place to be. A couple of weeks ago some person said, “If you're depressed, you're doing it wrong.” Well thanks for that crappy advice, I didn't know depression pointed to something that's wrong. Gah.\n\nThe other day at a conference I got to sit down with this counselor guy, he really knows what he's doing. Like, some people know what they're doing but other people, very few people, KNOW what they're doing. I gave him a very brief overview of my life and told him where I'm at and that I don't think God is good. His response was the best. Just, “Okay.”\n\nSee, here's the thing, somewhere, somehow I was taught that doubting and questioning God, is wrong. That we should obey and respect and apparently that means me can't ask questions or question authority. Have you read the Psalms? David is a manic depressant in some, questioning like he was born to question. And he was still a man after God's own heart, even though he went through ups and downs like a madman. I don't think God is a dictator that wants us to walk in one straight line never questioning where we're going or what He's doing. I think this was always meant to be a conversation between best friends. An open dialogue where anything goes and you can voice any question or any opinion. A friendship that's based on the idea that you will not be struck by lightning for bringing up something that's unconventional or counter-culture. A friendship where you can laugh and cry, where snot flies about and everything will be fine in the end. Sitting here, writing this I've come to know that God wants to have the 'He is not good' conversation with me. That He, once again, wants me to come and surrender my questions so that we can converse about them. How else do you get to know someone's heart than by listening intently?\n\nIn times where people were struggling with things, Jesus never quoted scripture. Yes, Jesus quoted scripture to the Pharisees and at the synagogue, but when He encountered people like the woman at the well, He offered Himself. He told her that He is what she is looking for, and she found Him right there. To the adulterous woman, He offered Himself, and she found Him. To the tax collectors, those inhabited by demons, the sick, the lame, the dead – He offered Himself, and they found Him. I'm just thinking that as a company of people who claim to love Jesus with everything we are, let's offer Jesus, let's offer The Body of Christ for people to come to. AS THEY ARE. No pre-requisites. Just Jesus. Let them talk, let them question, let them curse, let them scream. Let them say how much they hate God and then see how they encounter Him.\n\nJust let Him work through you.\n\nGet out of the way.\n\nhttps://youtu.be/h3lWwMHFhnA",
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      "title": "The Face Behind The Faceless Prostitute",
      "body": "4 am the phone’s ringing. At 4 am it’s never good news.\n\n“Hello.”\n“Hello, am I speaking with Bertha?”\n“Ya.”\n“We’re calling from ICU, we have Lea* here and you are listed as an emergency contact on her phone.”\n–Silence–\n“What happened?”\n“Well…she’s in quite a bad state. Would you be able to come down here?”\n“Yes. Definitely.”\n\nShe’s been sedated. She’s on really strong pain meds, obviously. There’s a lot of talk about reconstructive surgery, and medical terms that I don’t understand. All I want to do is see her. I sit beside her bed and just stare at her. She doesn’t have a face anymore. All I see is red and black. How the hell can one human being do this to another human being? My mind naturally goes to the state the world is in. It goes to rotten systems and thoughts about how nothing is being done and how the light (“the church”) of this world is switched off. It thinks about how darkness is the absence of light, so whose fault is it that the world is dark? And then, within seconds, I become aware of the evil that I am capable of and all I can think of is how I want to rip off the face of the person who did this to this sweet girl. I become afraid of myself. All I’m hearing is beeping noises and God’s voice in my ear saying, ‘Be angry but do not sin in your anger…’\n\nAnd then suddenly my eyes fill with tears, because in this dreadful moment, probably one of the worst moments of my life, the Word becomes flesh. As I stare at the mutilated face of Lea, I see Jesus before me, mutilated, for the world. Mutilated, because I am bad. For the first time, and for a very fleeting moment, I get what He did. I get the cross. I get His love. And for a moment I weep at this immense love that kept Him on that cross. For the sake of the world, He stayed there.\n\nI sit with her for a couple of hours. I pray for her. God tells me she can hear me, I just need to speak to her. I have no idea what to say. I get out the Bible and flip through it, pondering which part to read. For the first time in forever I read Psalm 139 (without it being totally pulled out of context).  When I hit verse five, the heart machine starts beeping like crazy, her heart rate went up. During verses five through twelve the heart rate machine goes nuts. Right then, I hear God say, “I am with her, for all her moments. Her moments are my moments. However this turns out, I will never leave her. I will never forsake her.”\n\nI guess in the most horrible days, the most horrible moment that lasts for hours, we forget that God is there. Closer than our skin, more necessary than our next breath… and He watches. Even though we are filthy. Even though we just got out of bed with the devil, He’s there. He’s watching over us. And He beckons us to come. Come to Him.\n\nHe is everything we’re searching for.\n\n*Not her real name\n\nhttps://youtu.be/N-k5z8oVv64",
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