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      "author": "flugen",
      "body": "\"To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize\" - Voltaire\n\nPOISONING BELIEF\nhow desire becomes shame\n\"There's a race of men who don't fit in,\nA race that can't stand still.\nSo they break the hearts of kith and kin,\nAnd roam the world at will.\"—Human\n\n\" Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.\"—Math\n\n\"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.\"\n—Math\n\n\"The most evil thing a parent can do to a child is scold them for being bad, but never show them how to be good.\"—Math\n\n\"The only thing in life that you can trust 100% is MATH.\"\n—Math\n\nthe journey of a million porn videos begins with one bad parent......\n\n\ni was raised on a vast diet of pornography.....\n\nscratch that. i was raised by pornography. if taking the Red Pill represents breaking free of the electronic prison that society created for our beliefs, i took the gold-colored Arco Gas Station sexual enhancement tiger energy pill. because i am a reflection of my parents.\n\nmonkey see, monkey do\n\nwhen you see me, you see my parents.\n\n\n\nthe garbage human beings who created me—their garbage son—are the same garbage architects who created this garbage society today.\n\nyes, we have electronic cars, modern dentistry, and smart phone apps. but we also have Stephen Paddock (the deadliest mass shooter in U.S. history), record numbers of depressed people on prescription opiates, a dangerously brazen media that can't decide whether it wants to stoke gender or racial  wars, and me.... better known as Generation Fuckup. Generation Anxiety. Generation Failure. Generation Nobody. Generation Nowhere. Generation Look-At-Me-Daddy-I'm-On-A-Youtube-Video.\n\ntheir lack of discipline is my lack of self-control.\n\ntheir lack of direction is my lack of leadership.\n\ntheir lack of concern is my lack of empathy.\n\ntheir lack of focus is my lack of skill.\n\ntheir lack of spine is my lack of commitment to my own beliefs.\n\n..when i promise myself for the thousandth time to never eat at Wienerschnitzel, ever again—but do it anyway—you get to see their handiwork up close. i am the result of their frankenstein experiment gone wrong. even my lack of capitalization is a silent fuck you to their abnormal, legalistic culture and useless traditions that shipwrecked me on this Island of Shame..... and now you want me to be practical and punctuate my sentences correctly???\n\nwill proper grammar syntax unfuck my lifetime of bad decisions? will the MLA Style Guide fix my chronic masturbation habit? will knowing the difference between your and you're make the world like me better?\n\nthe correct answer is fuck you and not quite.\n\nHalloween. sometime in the 80s...i had a pillowcase full candy. just me and those large Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Skittles. mini Baby Ruth bars. Hershey's Kisses. all of us together on a first date.... no safe words. no toothbrush.\n\n\n\ni have the requisite cavities now, as an adult, to prove it—how the fuck would i know about proper dental hygiene at age 7. i wouldn't. but somehow, somewhere along the way, i got handed a dentist bill for my parent's neglect. $200 for something called \"laser irrigation\". you want to know what my consolation prize is? i finally got those mercury fillings replaced. now half my molars look like they're starring in a rap video.\n\nmy parents got a Baby Boomer designation and a retirement plan.\n\ni got a ritualistic \"they did the best they could\" societal shrugging of the shoulders speech and a weed habit.\n\nthey got a law degree and a steady paycheck.\n\ni got holes punched through my walls and chronic loneliness.\n\nthey got Family Ties laugh tracks and Buddhist chanting.\n\ni got masturbation marathons and countless first date rejections.\n\n..and yet this poker-faced society still has the self-righteous nerve to pretend that it doesn't understand why mass shooters like James Holmes and Adam Lanza are only now just returning the favor. payback used to be a stupid promise on the back of VW bumpersticker. now it's machine gun fire from a Mandalay Bay hotel window while oblivious citizens of the American Reich scatter like startled cockroaches.\n\nthese conclusions are inevitable. just like physics. just like gravity. just like any governing Principle directing the traffic of human life. people need pain and pleasure to direct them towards HappinessTM; they need a pleasurable incentive to move towards it, and they need a painful reminder to stop aimlessly wandering away from it.\n\nmy parents chose bribery instead.\n\n...so instead me being directed towards a pleasurable life or steered away from a quick demise, i got the third option. i got whatever the fuck my irresponsible mom could afford to waste her money on. spoiled and rotten go hand in hand just like cause and effect. this broken, leaky culture is the stimulus. i am the inevitable reaction spilling all over it.\n\nif i wasn't athletic, i'd probably look like a donut with the shitty eating habits i developed from 4th grade on. the last chili cheese dog i ate didn't punch my stomach hard enough—a trip to the toilet, a little nauseous rumbling from my haunted bowels, some Angry Birds on the phone in between. done. i ate another one the week after that promise...\n\nself-control.... fuck me........who am i kidding here?\n\nwhen you see my anger and resentment at being unable to figure out how to find a girl to love, you see my parent's passive, directionless, useless approach to life.\n\nwhen you see my busted adult knee, you can do the math; somewhere back in childhood, my parents failed to teach me about natural limitation. i had no clue how fragile the human body really was. i had no understanding of its limits. i didn't even realize you only got one chance to fuck it up. you don't get backup joints or spare tendons. if you rip something important, you're going to walk funny for the rest of your life.\n\n\n\ni was never taught the difference between smoothly executed, controlled motion and violent over-exertion, just like i was never taught the difference between cooperative fulfilling activities like hiking and woodworking ...and competitive athletic misery that slowly pulverized my joints until the inevitable snap of the ACL or the LCL or the MCL or whatever CL ripped for the nth time, fighting my way to the basket.... to throw a rubber ball through a metal ring. for some score that never made me happy because i couldn't fuck it or talk to it or love it.\n\nwinning didn't make up for losing—this was something i was forced to find out the hard way. even a winning score couldn't overcome the constant gravitational pull of a choker's anxious doubts; would i accidentally bounce the ball off my foot and have it roll out of bounds in front of hundreds of people stuffed into a packed high school gymnasium? would i shoot an airball and hear everyone chant in unison? would somebody steal the ball from me because i didn't practice enough on my weak side? ....and these are the thoughts coming from a guy who won most of his games.\n\nwhen you see the nagging terror of competitive pressure weaken my knees and flood my palms with nightmare-slippery game sweat, you're witnessing my Mom's guidance-free parenting; there's the sky. there's the door. there's the handle... parachutes are for crybabies. just flap your arms. i'm sure that'll work.\n\n\n\ni'm sure annual visitation rights from someone called 'Dad' and my horny teenage babysitter are good enough to get me through the next 20 years. i'm sure my marriage to failure will make up for their divorce from accountability....\n\n\n\nthis is math. this is why math matters. if you want to balance life's equations, you have to account for all the variables—you can't. stop trying. it's impossible to see every angle. it's stupid to study every situation. curve balls come in too many shapes and sizes to foresee their approach.\n\ni know you think you can beat the odds—we all do. that's why Las Vegas exists. that's why scratch off tickets exist. that's why carnival games exist. society teaches us to become slaves to our emotions. it tells us to disregard the odds, ignore the math and instead focus on what your heart is saying. that's why success is characterized as a 'dream'. that's why all those distant stars in the sky are used as metaphors for achievement that we're all supposed to reach for. society's competitive custodians capitalize on such unskilled people who daydream about defying the math. defying the immutable Principle for the comfort of unaccountable feeling.\n\nbut we'll never stop trying to do the impossible until we've had a proper education from the inevitable. we will live and die by situation and circumstance until somebody comes along and teaches us the significance of limitation—the hallmark of Principle.\n\nmy parents, on the other hand, were about as principled as a dog left alone with a ham sandwich. my mom's neglect is now MY NEGLECT... her instability is now my sloppiness, my carelessness, my lack of restriction; i couldn't even get over bronchitis in 7th grade because my mom didn't have the fucking discipline to make me sit down. to make me STOP my fucking activity. to steer me AWAY FROM DANGER. nope. no such luck.\n\ni wish somebody had taught me the danger of over-exerting myself like a fucking madman every time i played basketball. nobody did. nobody had a fucking clue what i was up to when i left the house. and my mom wasn't adult enough to find out.\n\n\n\nwhatever tantrums i've thrown on the floors of various department stores because i didn't get the Back-to-School stonewash jeans i wanted, my parents have allowed.\n\nwhatever disgusting skanks and humiliating memories of fat chicks i've banged over the years, my parents have directed me towards with their neglectful silence about relationship matters. i had no business anywhere near the dating game.\n\nDisney movies, self-help gurus, and even ex-president Obama have all told us the same lie: \"you can become ANYTHING you want!\"\n\n.....really??! then why the fuck didn't i become what i dreamed about?\n\nwhy couldn't i become a guy with a hot girlfriend and some high paying job designing sky scrapers? why the fuck did i drop out of a prestigious college instead? maybe because i had no fucking clue how to do anything or accomplish anything or prepare for anything. maybe it's because i had zero guidance growing up... actually, strike that. i was taught one thing: don't get bad grades.\n\ni got better advice from the posters at the dentist office i frequented....\n\n\n\nthanks for the tip.\n\ni think i know why i never became what i dreamed about, why i never got the life i envied... maybe... just like i didn't choose to be born, maybe i didn't choose my destiny. maybe somebody else chose it for me.\n\ni didn't know how to make a fucking decision to save my life. finding direction, as i later found out, was a skill i'd have to learn the hard way. on my own.\n\nfuck my useless parents.\n\n....i never realized that my social conditioning would decide my future. everything i've ever said or done was already decided by what i learned from the people around me. my incubator. the social expectations that shaped my incompetent parents essentially shaped me as well. they put me in front of these electronic labias just like years ago when they put me in front of a TV set for hours while i waited for my mom to get home from work. hours of waiting became hours of wondering. latchkey kid grows up to become latchkey daydreamer. but instead of waiting for my mom, i just sat around waiting for my life to arrive.\n\nthat was just the start. multiply that by decades. are you getting the picture? is the math too hard to figure out?...\n\ni had absolutely no say in the matter. even speaking—as i’ve found out the hard way—requires training. you only say the words you’re TRAINED to say.\n\nnature could only tell me what i wanted. great. my dick is hard. i must be horny. the math adds up. send out the bat signal... but nature couldn't tell me how to get it. where the fuck was nurture?\n\ndesire is built into all of us from birth. but it's nurture's responsibility to teach us how to get what our nature demands of us. \"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.\"\n\nparents are there for a reason, and it's not just to lay on a bed for hours each night watching Growing Pains and The Cosby Show so they can dream about parenting just like i can dream about living. it's their duty, their obligation to teach us how to fish. what's the point of even having a Mother or Father if they can't give us the necessary assurance and guidance required to function in society?\n\nhow we fish determines what we catch. how we act on our desires determines who we become. sounds like a pretty fucking important obligation that should never be left up to chance... so why was it?\n\nwhy was i left to my own devices for so long? why was i tasked with knowing what i couldn't have possibly known as an child? why was i raised with little restriction and even fewer guidelines if i was expected to grow up to become a responsible citizen? why was i even fucking born if i was left in charge of raising myself?\n\nbeing handed the autonomy to run my own life sounded like a fun proposition until i realized that a heavy obligation could crush an unprepared child. but my mom had no problems laying her adult burdens on my 5-year-old shoulders. i got to navigate her divorce by myself. i got to navigate molestation by myself. i got to navigate long unstructured summer months by my myself. i got to navigate homework by my myself. i got to navigate college choices by my myself..\n\nand to top it all off, i got to shoulder all the heartbreaking, body-taxing, conscience-bending consequences.... by myself.\n\ndoes a child even understand what a panic attack is at 8 or 9 years old? i remember watching TV one time and the walls just started vibrating back and forth like they were growing thicker and taller to the beat of my own pulse. i ran for my mom's closet and hid inside. watching the walls pulse. waiting for my her to get back from work. welcome to my latchkey existence.\n\ni now realize that how we behave as an adults depends completely upon who trains us as children. as the old saying goes: “like Father, like Son”. or in the case of our generation, “like Single Mother, like Felon”.\n\n\n\nhttp://flugen.io/wordpress/how-single-mothers-fucked-up-the-world/![censorshipcover.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmWHY6X5DMT2HNrBK4jAkd12Pym5iBdCdxfm5CENhru59f/censorshipcover.jpg)",
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