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      "parent_author": "factionless",
      "parent_permlink": "no-one-lives-the-way-they-want-to",
      "author": "steemitboard",
      "permlink": "steemitboard-notify-factionless-20200111t175526000z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Congratulations @factionless! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@factionless/birthday2.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 2 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@factionless) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=factionless)_</sub>\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
      "json_metadata": "{\"image\":[\"https://steemitboard.com/img/notify.png\"]}"
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  "op": [
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      "amount": "0.001 STEEM",
      "memo": "Time is running out, claim your DTube account now before anyone else can! Login at https://d.tube"
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      "author": "partiko",
      "permlink": "partiko-re-factionless-no-one-lives-the-way-they-want-to-20190401t210957615z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Hello @factionless! This is a friendly reminder that you can **download Partiko today and start earning Steem** easier than ever before!\n\nPartiko is a fast and beautiful mobile app for Steem. You can login using your Steem account, browse, post, comment and upvote easily on your phone!\n\nYou can even **earn up to 3,000 Partiko Points per day**, and easily convert them into Steem token!\n\n**Download Partiko now using the link below to receive 1000 Points as bonus right away!**\n\nhttps://partiko.app/referral/partiko",
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      "body": "If freedom is the phenomenon of expressing the self without overly offending, then liberation would be living without the fear of offending. Take that for what you will. \n\nHumananity is an odd bunch. A species built on the exchange of genetic material from related, now extinct species (whom many of us still share part of our DNA), and often bridges the valley that is race and ethnicity in modern times, yet still, prejudices and stigmas for what is different abound. Entire cultures were built on that exchange, whether it was through peaceful trade and cultural exchange, or through conquest and other, more violent means. 200,000 years of walking the earth and discovering ourselves, and still, civility manages to elude us. \n\nAs a result, our physical reality is limited by our cultures, the religious and social ethics of our communities, and the stereotypes we cling to for lack of explanation. In turn, our personal ethics, and morality as a community, informs and influences culture, locking us in a cycle that ultimately limits expression and exploration of the self. \n\nOn a personal note, I believe only education can break the cycle. ",
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      "permlink": "re-factionless-no-one-lives-the-way-they-want-to-20190322t182759326z",
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      "body": ">How liberating could it be to break free from those chains and forget about everyone else? This feeling only seems to come momentarily for me.\n\nI experience this fleetingly as well, but I am attempting to view this as a victory. In the past, it would have been mortifying to discredit everyone else; I had spent my whole life carefully building the different facets to face each person, to mirror them for approval. Now, I'm building a habit, rewiring my brain to not keep following the usual path, and every time I experience an additional break in the midst of my day, it's a definite win. This is also how I view moments of observing consciousness mindfully. \n\nTo your counterview in the second part, I think it is vital that we can collectively acknowledge just how much we rely on one another in the modern society (which I consider to be fantastic, when each individual maintains their freedom). An even more important acknowledgement following of \"I am not special for having applied this collective knowledge\". This is not say we should not be grateful for the opportunity to act, or have pride for what value we create, but to not believe others less for not. It can become easy to apply the more stoic viewpoint when there is challenge, but the practice shows most benefit when exercised in both extremes. Our collective wobbles back and forth, reveling in both directions of the swing, requiring greater amplitude to enjoy the same level of excitement.",
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      "parent_permlink": "thoughts",
      "author": "factionless",
      "permlink": "no-one-lives-the-way-they-want-to",
      "title": "No one lives the way they want to",
      "body": "We're all obstructed by either the limits of physical reality or society, the latter being the one that takes a bigger emotional toll on people. When we're children we could make up what the world was like and our place in it. As you get older, you find that you can't just act differently, there are consequences to your actions, and that everyone and everything has a hand in determining your place. So we teach ourselves how to behave and to be favorable and not too different. How liberating could it be to break free from those chains and forget about everyone else? This feeling only seems to come momentarily for me.\n\nOn the other hand, we keep each other in check. Humans are notoriously short-sighted, and generally succeed better as a collective. I certainly have had much more success doing the things I want to do by, for example, having a family, having great friends, and going to college. Our ancestors probably couldn't have made it without strict cultural boundaries, but things have gone overboard for today's species of humans with well developed egos and the world at their fingertips. And while we reject things that are too different, we accept and silence the oddities and depths of ourselves for our entire lives. How do people survive like this? I'm young and I've learned to live my life without too much fear of judgement, and of course we all see people doing wildly cool, strange, or even vile things with their lives without a care for others, but what about the millions of people we're not seeing around the world who just file into place? Humans are blowing up into these super collectives, filling every corner of the world and mass producing the culture of the west, a doomed paradigm for a society. Will we have time to truly embrace and heal ourselves and others before we march double file to our collective end? Will the emotional toll of stuffing your true self deep inside move you up the social ladder or cripple you?\n\nFind out next time on [every 40 seconds someone is committing suicide, and 20 more are attempting.](https://www.who.int/mental_health/prevention/suicide/suicideprevent/en/)\n\n<center>![wonder.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmTRwXMEmTgCjHAQeC6NvNbncJwjBDjR9JjBLDkgNhe4Gz/wonder.jpg)</center>",
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      "title": "Can't tell which way is up anymore",
      "body": "I've been feeling increasingly jaded lately. The world is in such a strange and confusing place right now, and I don't know what there is to do about it. The political game that runs the world seems like it's headed straight for mass destruction, and the psychology of people in the modern western culture is reverting to elements of tribalism. What's an average person supposed to do? My experiences with pain and struggling have taught me so many things about being grateful and empowering myself, but I just can't help feel more and more every day that the forces at work that disempower me are winning. I have all of these philosophies about how to be a good person and how to share that knowledge that almost haunt me now. What am I even trying to do here, writing this confession? What good is it really going to do? Who is it going to affect besides me? My understanding of the world tells me that it's easier to find solutions when you're more aware about the elements of a problem. Communication is the most effective mode of directing awareness, so here I am, hoping that saying something will lead to a path I didn't see before. \n\nI'm a \"big picture\" kind of person - to a fault, often. I know a lot of people might read this and tell me that I'm putting too much weight on my shoulders, I just need to help the people that I can around me. And they're right. I don't do enough of that either, but I guess that just doesn't do it for me though. I want to see that I'm actually making an impact and setting the world on a better course, but it really seems like it's going downhill no matter what I do. We have war, overpopulation, and disease hanging over our heads, despite it seeming like millions are blind to these issues. \n\nThe scariest thing to me is the ideologies that are at war now. I guess a lot of it can be boiled down to \"left\" vs \"right\", though there's also the capitalists vs the communists, the radicals vs the centrists, comrades vs fascists, individualists vs collectivists, *ugh* the list goes on. People aren't just ideologically polarized about politics though. Some people are worried about whether they're cool or not, or beautiful or not, maybe about being too friendly or too cold, whether they coddle their kids too much, whether they're a productive member of society. People cling to this binary type of thinking in terms of purpose and existence. Not just about themselves; it's normal to just categorize the people you meet into those that are either philosophically aligned with your \"primary beliefs\" like the ones above and those that aren't. Of course this isn't always discussed at length, being agreeable is favored, and people's conceptions of belief, morality, etc. can vary wildly. On top of that, we live in a rather tame society where most of the time, most people are safe from harm and political persecution, so deep philosophy isn't always a \"primary belief\" in many social contexts. That's why we can end up being friends with and defending people we don't really align with while, from a distance, condemning others acting or thinking the same way.\n\nWhere do these binary beliefs come from? Is it something in our genetics? Is it something we're taught by our culture? Is it fundamental to the universe? I could easily believe it's a little bit of all three of these things. The study of formal logic and computer science is based in binary. True or false, on or off, yes or no. Not only can we breakdown just about any type of information into digital code, we can diagram arguments into large tables of what is basically binary code. As far as human objectivity can go, these studies show that binary code works at a fundamental level in our universe. But we're not computers or entirely logical. \n\nAs far as genetics and evolution go, we've been selected for at least a few things that might play into this type of thought. The first thing that comes to mind is the way that people see their social status as a part of their survival. Obviously, social status is and has always been relevant in terms of survival, but it's changed how it works quite a bit over time. In prehistoric societies contributing to basic survival needs and engaging in the people's mystical beliefs and rituals ensured that you remained \"in\" the group. It could be illogical, and it was often brutal. Today, things are just strange. There's levels and levels of groups to be in or out of. People's survival needs are overwhelmingly met better than any time in history, but social status still has a huge bearing on people's happiness and behavior. We have a deep desire to be in with the people we think are right or good. As far as whether we're enculturated into this belief somehow, it would make sense if it's been a prevailing psychology in humans. We've found ways to organize ourselves productively with this mentality and so we keep teaching what we know works.\n\nMaybe this isn't really how most people are thinking, but it certainly is how things are framed in the news and movies, and when I scroll through social media I can't help but see it everywhere. Maybe I'm just a crazy pessimist, I really hope so. It just appears more and more to me every day that people only really care about themselves. I'm one of them too. I'm by far mostly concerned with my happiness. Sure, I want my partner to be happy, my family, my friends. But I only want that cause I'm the one who will be upset if they're not happy. At least I make a conscious attempt to break away from the polarized mindset. Why is it so hard to see ourselves and each other for what we are?\n\nHow did everything get so complicated? Is this what growing up is? When I was a kid I thought losing your innocence was something that happened when you first had sex or maybe when you really became responsible for your actions or something. When I reflect back, it's really hard to tell where it dims into non-existence along the way, but I think it happened at some point when I started to truly be aware of bad things happening around me and didn't do anything about them. Whether I didn't care, was afraid, or didn't have the time. We're all seeing evil things happen in the world today, but we just carry on with our lives and wait for the person whose job it is to fix it comes along. We know the best way to help with issues like hunger in the world is to organize effectively, not just show up in Africa alone attempting to feed people right? Well that might be true, but it's a truth that keeps us complacently unhelpful, and leads to our guilt in the matter, and consequently our loss of innocence. Or at least my guilt. I can feel it weighing me down constantly. \n\nRereading this now, I see my thoughts are pretty scattered, but I see some shreds of continuity here. I'm sure someone will find value in what I'm saying.\n\nThanks for reading\n\nFactionless",
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      "body": "Congratulations @factionless! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@factionless/birthday1.png</td><td>1 Year on Steemit</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_[Click here to view your Board](https://steemitboard.com/@factionless)_</sub>\n\n\n**Do not miss the last post from @steemitboard:**\n<table><tr><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steem/@steemitboard/steemwhales-has-officially-moved-to-steemitboard-ranking\"><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/64x128/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmfRVpHQhLDhnjDtqck8GPv9NPvNKPfMsDaAFDE1D9Er2Z/header_ranking.png\"></a></td><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steem/@steemitboard/steemwhales-has-officially-moved-to-steemitboard-ranking\">SteemWhales has officially moved to SteemitBoard Ranking</a></td></tr><tr><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/steemitboard-witness-update-2019-01-07\"><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/64x128/http://i.cubeupload.com/7CiQEO.png\"></a></td><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/steemitboard-witness-update-2019-01-07\">SteemitBoard - Witness Update</a></td></tr></table>\n\n> Support [SteemitBoard's project](https://steemit.com/@steemitboard)! **[Vote for its witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1)** and **get one more award**!",
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      "body": "I got the post up finally! I totally agree with everything you said, namely that no mode of expression is complete, something that I learned during this particular experience and think about all the time. I still search for the perfect words or picture or whatever to convey the idea, but I've found more and more that there is always communication before any deep understanding is reached. It's a two-way street!",
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      "permlink": "my-experiences-with-psychoactive-substance-part-one-ayahuasca-disposition",
      "title": "My Experiences With Psychoactive Substance - Part One - Ayahuasca - Disposition",
      "body": "__*This post includes discussion about the use of psychoactive substances. Please do not take my statements on dosage, effect, benefits, or any other quality of a drug as directions or suggestions. The use of psychoactive substances presents immediate and long-term risks every time they are ingested.*__\n\nIt was a warm weeknight in midwestern suburbia. Everything was quiet up and down the street at around 11 pm when my friend, T (that's what we'll call him), came in the back door like we had arranged. I'd been swimming earlier that day with a friend, and then I came back to my parent's house to relax for the night when I got a call from T saying he found a cup of ayahuasca tea that he had left at a friend's house. Little did I know that in a few hours, this small red solo cup of a strange amazonian brew was going to change the course of my life. \n\nAs I mentioned in my [introduction post](https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@factionless/one-more-freedom-loving-blockchain-enthused-facebook-fleeing-steemian-joins-the-party), I had just recently been put on drug testing by the local government for two years, and I was looking for highs that couldn't show up on a test. I was headed down a very bad path at this point in my life, battling with depression and social anxiety, and by 15, I was very forward (at least in my own mind) about being able to use drugs to escape reality. Luckily, I lived in an area and had a family that didn't have worse drug problems present, because I think I easily could have ended up an opiate addict or something in a different timeline. By the time I had been arrested and put on hair testing, I had tried alcohol, cannabis, and adderall (amphetamine), but after I attempted to try and appreciate any sort of \"high\" from adderall I decided I liked it more as a study drug.\n\nI don't really keep up with T anymore and we never got extremely close, which is too bad really, because I never got to talk to him more about how he discovered the psychedelic world and how it all came to him. I *do* know that when he was about 16, he and his friends learned about a website called [erowid.org](https://www.erowid.org/), which he also clued me in on. This site became my best friend for months, and is certainly still a highly regarded colleague of mine. Erowid is one of the best and most unbiased sources for information about all sorts of altered states of mind. It's a **huge** database of tons of information, from the chemical name of xanax, to the Abrahamic perspectives on fasting. I would highly recommend spending some time there if you're interested! Because of this website, I was immediately able to bridge some sort of connection between different altered states, something I never even realized had been talked about. I quickly found out that not only were psychedelic drugs some of the most commonly used \"untestable\" substances, but they also had a significant history in helping a lot of people deal with the issues I was dealing with. \n\nHowever, I was in high school... And LSD and mushrooms don't make it into America's public school systems (haha, just kidding, but I didn't know that yet). I figured I wasn't going to come across my chance to try a psychedelic for years until T told me that there are several psychdelics that can be procured from the internet. He didn't even mention the research chemical market that was much more open and a little bit safer at this time. Although it can still be found on the web, getting Mimosa hostilis root bark by the Kg (high DMT content) was as easy as ordering it off Amazon.com back then. So I began to read all about ingesting [orally activated DMT](https://www.erowid.org/chemicals/ayahuasca/ayahuasca.shtml) for weeks. \n\nI want to interject here to clarify that many people call any form of oral DMT, \"ayahuasca\". That could include eating an MAOI followed by powder/crystalline DMT, which would not include a tea at all (it's often called \"pharmahuasca\"). Many people are also very offended not only by the westernization that surrounds ayahuasca usage, but some even specifically see \"ayahuasca\" only in one traditional form that contains B. caapi (the vine of the souls) and P. viridis. (chacruna). There are minor psychoactive alkaloids in different plants, so I suppose there is  some scientific evidence for differentiating as well. For these reasons, I try to always refer to it as oral DMT or orally activated DMT just to be clear. I *believe* what I did in this first experience was a brew made strictly from Mimosa hostilis root bark if you're curious.\n\nWell just as I started spending time looking into whether I wanted to order that or something else to my parent's house, T remembered that he and his friends did some experimenting months before and they had some tea left over. A couple of days later, I got that call from him and decided it was the right night. \n\nWhen I was very young, I was a Catholic. My family raised me that way, and until I was around 10 years old, I believed in most or all of the teachings of the religion. At some point, the glaring holes in the doctrine started becoming more and more apparent, to the point where I suddenly became godless. I went through the typical broad rejection of religion after this, and spent a lot of time watching atheism videos and exploring that culture. Before long, it became clear that there were conceptions of god that were really different from the Abrahamic ideas of God. After a few years though, I was quite bored with the subject, after settling on the fact that whatever god-like being(s) that might exist sure doesn't care about me or affect my life. I was past skeptical, fully cynical, and pretty much disinterested with supernatural phenomena and spirituality. \n\nStumbling upon DMT had me open back up to this realm due to the overwhelming amount of supernatural and spiritual/religious associations with it. I'd heard about vision quests, I'd heard about LSD religions, I'd heard about communicating with otherworldly beings and learning mystical information, but this time, there was actually depth to people's experiences. Not to say those other things I named are phony or don't have depth (at this point there was no way I would have even understood all the things these experiences entail), but what I read about ayahuasca experiences made it sound like \"the real thing\". People were having intensely mystical experiences with nearly every dose, not just taking a hit of acid and enjoying a Phish show. \n\nThe point of elaborating on my religious beliefs is to just give a little context to my thoughts throughout this experience. From what I've read (this might be changing with the shift in oral DMT usage), oral DMT is most often used with spiritual or religious intentions. It's very much associated with tribal and new-age belief systems, both of which I rejected and still do to a certain degree (I'm [factionless](https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@factionless/one-more-freedom-loving-blockchain-enthused-facebook-fleeing-steemian-joins-the-party), remember?). South American tribes used it for healing, communicating with the spirit world for a variety of reasons, for hunting and war rituals, and several other uses that I'm sure have been lost to the prehistoric ages. New-agers often expect to find some degree of spiritual enlightenment from the experience. I didn't know what I was looking for, and unless I had taken the leap of faith, I probably never would have. I was looking to squeeze something out of life since it seemed to have nothing to offer me for so long. I was only 16, but I'd felt like I'd already ran through all the exciting and meaningful things that people do in life, at least in my imagination if not for real. They all seemed useless and full of imaginary value that misled humans assigned them. I knew somewhere in my mind that if anything was going to change my mind about my life and the world, it would be this strange amazonian tea.\n\nOf course, with my anti-religious mindset, I went against many recommendations I'd seen online, including the thousands of years of tradition regarding purifying the body and mind prior to the ingestion that was often cited, and did basically no preparation for the experience. Many of these suggestions have both pharmacological and spiritual intentions. It's said that you're supposed to do fasts for some time before using it, leading up to a full 24 hours or more before you take it. Well I saw this as a fail-safe for ingesting as much psychoactive material as possible, and decided that with my fast metabolism, eating breakfast and a light lunch would be fine if I waited until late that night to dose. They say that when not fasting, one should eat lightly. I read how many shamans would only eat rice and chicken, unseasoned. Low fat, low/no sugar, low salt, low/no spices, and possibly vegan was the most common diet I saw. I couldn't be farther from this being an average junk food eating American. And of course, the mental preparations were completely lost on me. I hadn't consciously meditated for an hour of my life, and saw little value in the act. Not every form of mental preparation I've seen is strictly meditation, but they all include self-evaluation, awareness, and general reflection of one's life and perspectives, but I was very unaware in so many ways and had spent plenty of time reflecting on the worst parts of myself, so I definitely skipped this step. \n\nThere are many people out there (I have met some) who would be disgusted or even scold me for my treatment of this sacred plant. Hell, I had nothing to do with the preparation itself. Normally there's some sort of connection there, but I just had a friend who forgot it in a closet for months. As much as hippies want to believe in the karmic side of things like this, I can say with certainty that even a spoiled, upper-middle class, self-centered, white boy can metaphorically spit on thousands of years of tradition, but DMT will still just see you as a sack of conscious molecules and do its job accordingly.\n\nSo here we were, sitting in my room with a small cup of smelly brown liquid and a bag of [Syrian Rue](https://www.erowid.org/plants/syrian_rue/syrian_rue.shtml) seeds. For those who are inexperienced, DMT is not readily available to your body through digestion. The stomach produces enzymes called monoamine oxidases (MAO's) that break down substances like DMT. Plants like Syrian Rue have monoamine oxidase *inhibitors* (MAOI's) that make it perfectly simple to dose DMT by mouth. \n\n__*WARNING: MAOI'S ARE DANGEROUS WHEN COMBINED WITH SSRI'S (COMMON PHARMACEUTICALS) PLEASE BE CAREFUL*__\n\nSo I wrapped up about 5 grams of Syrian Rue in little makeshift toilet paper parachutes, to avoid having to taste the disgusting seeds. About 20 minutes later, a little before 11:30, I drank the tea down. After this we sat and talked for a little while. T asked me if I wanted to take a walk around outside because that's how he often enjoyed starting trips, so around midnight we left out the back door and walked out onto the greens of the nearby golf course. About the time I set foot on the driving range, my stomach started turning, as is common with oral DMT. A few minutes later, my head starts swimming, and actually hurting a little bit. I get more nauseous and tell T that some strange things are happening. he asks if we need to head inside or sit down, but I think I'm alright. I start feeling my head get lighter and lighter and my stomach hurts more and more. The dull pain in my head swells into a full blown migraine (something I've never gotten). I close my eyes and I see bright swirling purples and blues that begin to form into random patterns. I open my eyes somewhat in disbelief, never before having closed-eyed visuals like that. I tell T that things are beginning to feel weird. I close my eyes again, and suddenly I see a skull form out of the nether and these swirling, boxy, voodoo-like patterns behind it with the pain in my head pounding. \n\nThen all of a sudden, the pain starts fading along with the nausea, and more strangely, the hallucinations. I'm now standing with T out on the green feeling very confused and sober, although a little relieved that those uncomfortable feelings subsided. I'd been nervous about dealing with the vomiting that is just expected with this kind of experience. I explained to him what had just happened and he seemed more confused than me, and suggested we go inside. We head back in, sit down on the couch, and turn on the TV. As an old episode of Family Guy comes on about halfway through, I'm a little distracted with the experience I *wasn't* having. I go and talk to my sister and her friend about what I attempted to do that night, and they were both more shocked than I expected they would be, not quite understanding the gravity of a 16 year old experimenting with what is arguably the strongest psychoactive substance in existence. I told them that it seemed like nothing was going to happen because the tea was expected to have possibly gone bad anyway. But there were two things that really struck me from the conversation: My sister's friend explaining how him and his friend were dying to try DMT because you could supposedly communicate with aliens, and him saying that it was \"about to **kick my *ass***\". \n\nI laughed if off and went back out into the other room to sit with T and watch Family Guy. Still mulling over the strange sequence of events that just took place, I sat quietly, hardly watching. About 5 minutes later, past 12:30 now, I begin to feel my eyelids get extremely heavy. I quickly bend to their will and very clearly see a hallway with yellowish stone walls and no floor or ceiling, just darkness.  I open my eyes, amazed to see the room in front of my still appear normal even though I just saw this vision as clearly as a lucid dream. I close my eyes again, and there's something floating in the same hallway I just saw that just looks like a thick, gold, horizontal line at the moment. I feel like I need to lay down. I open my eyes, still everything appears normal. T is sitting across from me on the other couch watching Family Guy and looking fairly sleepy. I lean over, and lay down across the couch, closing my eyes. Immediately, I see the object turn in a similar orientation to how I just turned sideways and laid down, but in a mirrored fashion. As it turned towards me, I could begin to make out that I was looking at what appeared to be an Egyptian sarcophagus, although with my travels in the middle east, I could sort of tell that it didn't look like the same styles I'd seen before. It was definitely freshly made too, almost entirely bright gleaming gold, and inlaid with a deep green trim that danced around the whole coffin. Upon realizing what I was looking at, I started observing it, and immediately my vision was zooming into parts of it, and I could see that the green trim was actually lines of very tiny numbers, that were inscribed all over, no doubt some kind of pattern or message. As I begin to feel very confused about what I'm seeing, I also wonder what's inside of this unique sarcophagus that I've been presented with. Almost on queue, it slowly creaks open, and I see nothing inside. not even a floor to it for a body to lay on. Just the golden sides, and emptiness. \n\nSo at this point I'm sufficiently freaked out. So far, I've felt nothing but some pain and discomfort, but no \"trippy\" feelings or whatever I thought I was expecting. As far as hallucinations, they'd been so simple and strange, I wasn't sure if I was just tired and letting my mind wander, and secretly I had hoped this was true, because all I had seen were fairly morbid things (skulls and coffins...). A thought creeps into my unconscious mind that maybe there really are otherworldly spirits or beings that communicate through this chemical, and they've already foreseen my death on this night. \n\nI open my eyes and everything still appears normal. I decide that I need to go to my room, maybe to relax, or just reflect on what I'd just witnessed. I told T, who assumed I was just tired here at one in the morning, and got up to head down the hallway. \n\nBut after just a few steps, it's apparent that everything is not normal. In fact it started to feel like I was the only normal thing present, as my hallway starts to twist and turn in front of me, elongating as well. Gravity bends to the hallway's shape, and I'm pulled from side to side as I stumble towards my door. I open the door to my room, and I'm greeted with the music I left on earlier, a playlist I left on repeat earlier that was playing 7 or 8 songs by Muse. I leave the light off, give in to my legs that can barely hold me up now, and collapse onto my bed. I'm feeling a lot more confused and lost than I was a few minutes ago, when suddenly I notice that the song that was on was one I had been practicing on drums for weeks, [Stockholm Syndrome](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXN9acC9edU) (highly recommended if you haven't heard it). I knew the feel of this song forwards and backwards, so it was very apparent when I noticed that the song was playing twice as fast as it normally does. I told myself that my iPod must be bugging or something because there was no way this was possible, it was even pitch adjusted. Spoiler alert: I was already tripping much harder than I could have guessed. \n\nThis is where things get really weird, really fast. I honestly don't have a clear memory from front to back of what happened, so expect this explanation to get more and more abstract. The music was playing twice as fast as the 1000 times I'd heard these songs before, and the hallucinations started rolling in, ushering in a trance-like state that kept my waking mind from making clear choices. Whenever I could break free of this spell, and look around, I would check my clock, which, much to my horror, was moving slower and slower. Time was slowly (if it's possible for time to do things slowly) fading away from my existence, and the implications of a mortal in the third dimension becoming timeless was absolutely terrifying. At first it took a couple minutes for a minute to pass, which wasn't the strangest thing, I always felt that way while I was at school. Then it took five minutes for a minute to pass. Then ten, then twenty, and somewhere between then and taking an hour for each minute, I essentially lost consciousness to the drug.  \n\nIn between my anxiety about these physical impossibilities and having meditative states forced over me like a blindfold, wild hallucinations were teasing me. I would close my eyes for a few seconds and spend several minutes in all sorts of strange places, some rather mundane, some unrealistic, and some were completely alien. I blink and I'm in a dark room with no borders on top of a large purple orb. Looking around me, I see that there are similar purple orbs equidistant from each other that stretch off into infinity in every direction. This particular place retroactively sits in my mind as [Indra's Net](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indra%27s_net) since I learned about this mythology more recently. Indeed, the picture on the wikipedia page looks eerily like the place I visited. I blink and I suddenly feel like I'm in a [Metal Gear](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metal_Gear_Solid) game, hiding from demonic enemies that seem to be telepathically linked to my thoughts. \n\nAs time loses meaning, and I begin to be taken out of my body repeatedly, I consequently lost almost any sense of chronology with these events. There were essentially three parts to this experience that I can clearly say happened first, second, and third, but quite a bit happened in each of those periods of time. In this first period, I was becoming rapidly unaware of what was happening, though I was still mostly conscious. Even though it began to feel like I was experiencing hours of closed-eye visuals or unconsciousness, my clock indicated that none of these bouts lasted more than a minute or two. Although I'm not sure of order, the visions definitely were ramping up in intensity. They kept getting more frightening, and reality shredding. In fact, at one point, I remembered opening my eyes, seeing only in monochrome, and jagged line divided my vision in two diagonally, quickly ripping [reality at the seams](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U09xs0-bAGo). The two large fragments of what I saw in front of me (my bed and walls) fell apart in front of a black backdrop, and with my eyes wide open, I was essentially blind, seeing only darkness. \n\nI remember visiting a temple of sorts a few times, or at least the winding corridors of one. It was old and empty, the halls curving up, down, left, and right, obviously conforming to the landscape it was set in that was breaking through the yellow stone in form of trees, vines, dirt, and water. I never found much wandering through it, although it reminded me a lot of the [Chozo Ruin](http://metroid.wikia.com/wiki/Chozo_Ruins) from Metroid Prime. I loved this game when I played it as a kid, but never really delved into the lore behind the story that I found extremely interesting after this experience. The Chozo were a race of humanoids from another planet. One group of them split and went to another planet to hopefully return to the ancient Chozo spirituality that had been lost over thousands of years. They went to this new planet, abandoned almost all of their technology, living very close to the land, and then ultimately transcended their mortal forms. Obviously this lore was inspired by lots of modern spiritual movements, something I never even knew about until I went and read into it. \n\nI can't stress enough how realistic all of these hallucinations were. The difference between things I saw with my eyes closed and open became almost indistinguishable. Every form of [synesthesia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synesthesia) crept in, disorienting my senses, leaving me unable to discern what was real and what wasn't. I was tasting shapes, seeing smells, hearing sights, and being utterly baffled by how impossible it all felt. Suddenly I was actually able to see around my room. Everything was illuminated by a glowing ribbon of gold that floated through the air all around me. I'm not even positive my eyes were open, judging by the was I remember feeling this with all of my senses. For some reason this sight really triggered my thoughts about time and my situation. I believed in some way that the gold ribbon was some sort of representation of time that was actually there all the time, but simply out of sight for humans and our limited sensory perception. Since I had broken my place in the timeline somehow, and time was freezing, I was now able to see this hanging in front of me.\n\nI'm not sure exactly what happened in between then and this next part, but this is really a climactic time in the experience.  This experience breaks down into 3 sections in my mind, the first effects and recognition of it was the first section. Time's eventual pause and the following event make up the start of the second section. As I came to fully understand how hard I was tripping, the scary stories that we're all told about psychedelics began to manifest in my head. People jump out windows, they go crazy for the rest of their lives, they say things to their parents that they shouldn't, etc. Well, I'm already somewhat certain that time slowing down to this point was an indication of what would soon be an extended bout of insanity, so I've immediately begun picturing the many thousands of ways I could accidentally harm myself. The images of my demise became lifelike in my mind. My imagination was breaking into my actual senses and it became hard to know whether or not I was still lying on my bed. The scenes developed into a situation where I was far past the type of unconsciousness I was in now, to fully believing my mindless body might be walking around searching for a way to put itself out of the misery the mind had chosen to place it in.\n\nI started to see and feel flashing gruesome images of myself committing suicide or simply dying. I fell into a pit of spikes and was impaled. I was beaten to death by people I'd pissed off. I overdosed on pharmaceuticals. I was hit by a car in the street. Torn apart by animals. I felt all of this and much more as I was lying on my bed crying. Then, as time's slowing progression was reaching its asymptotic limit, I spoke words out loud as one final vision displayed itself for me: \"I wouldn't even know if I had a gun to my head right now and pulled the trigger\". As the word \"trigger\" came out, I saw myself standing in a white room, pistol pressed to the side of my head, also uttering the word as my finger squeezed. The gunpowder blew, and the bullet slowly tore through my skull and then brain, exiting the other side in a bloody, gory mess; a tragedy that I don't think I could ever possibly witness as intimately again in my life.\n\nEverything went to black immediately. I don't just mean the scenery now, there was nothing. If I could ever \"imagine\" death (an impossibility I don't have time to get into), this was it. Eternal darkness, with no consciousness, feeling, or anything. It's strange that I feel so bound to sharing the story and using the right words when there were times like this that essentially didn't even happen. As I just said, this was eternal darkness. I died and I *am* gone forever. \n\nBut then at some point (or was it instantly? Or was it billions of years later?) I was there again. No consciousness, only sensory input. It wasn't really *I* because *I* wasn't even really there to experience the senses. Although I've now had the better part of a decade to look into what happened to me, these subjects are very hard to talk about and clearly communicate, but if I understand correctly, I was experiencing one of the most extreme forms of [ego death](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego_death) imaginable. This was a concept I had only briefly been acquainted with in my all-too-short study of this drug. My descriptions may become a bit hard to understand, slightly contradicting, or just written totally wrong in this section, because this was seriously the most inhuman experience I have endured to this day. Throughout this whole section, until I regained full awareness of myself, there was no thought. Senses came in completely blended together, and I was escorted to different places in space and time to take in what was on display, but I can't stress enough how alien everything felt. Even the \"self\" I was now associated with was by no means human, but did seem physical, but also defied any law of physicality. \n\nSo what was my ego-less, body-less, self doing now? My senses slowly faded back in (no thoughts attached), and I found my \"self\" floating through the vast expanse of space. I felt like a cloud of some sort. Ethereal but still physically there. I floated aimlessly and thoughtlessly for eons (although time was still stopped I believe so maybe it was only for a moment). This is always the most mind-boggling part of the trip when I talk with people about it. When you smoke cannabis the first few times, you might notice that the past hour felt super long. When you take a decent dose of LSD or mushrooms, it might feel like the trip lasted a whole day. A strong dose and maybe it feels like a few days or a week. Take a strong dose of ayahuasca and apparently it can feel like millenia. I don't even believe myself anymore when I say it, I just say it because I know my brain believed it, and how much farther does reality go than that? \n\nAfter endlessly floating through the cosmos, I began to feel myself fading into a new place. There was gold light, airy clouds, and cool blue skies, but no ground. I felt a powerful and benevolent figure around me and remember having some sort of communion with it. After another timeless expanse, I faded from this place into its counterpart, where I felt trapped in stone and fire. I saw shadows of demonic figures on the walls, and felt the presence of raw evil. I felt like I was here for ages as well, before once again finding my\"self\" floating in space. \n\nAfter another few eons of drifting, I remember feeling all of the sensations I was barely having slowly peter out until there was just white space everywhere. Pure silence and stillness. Eventually, I was greeted out of nowhere (which is exactly where I was) by a large orb right in front of me. It was the darkest thing I've ever seen, and somehow appeared denser than anything I'd ever observed. It sat in front of me swirling and rippling gently for what felt like years as I stared deeply into it. This strange event slowly faded away again as I went for the ride of my life through things I still can't quite believe humans can experience. \n\nHonestly, the bulk of the experience for what I believe was the next hour or two is pretty much completely erased from my memory. I only really remember sensations and feelings and a few glimpses of wild psychedelic landscapes. I flew through a dark jungle at night and saw the big cats prowling. I was squeezed through the roots and stems of plants. I walked through a city that was made of pure energy, nothing physical. I saw civilizations rise and fall. I lived in a closet of a room in some sort of techy dystopian future. I communed with otherworldly beings whose presences alone brought enlightenment. I felt as though I experienced every feeling and every *thing* there was to experience. While I have found that my bewildered state made me underestimate the range of experiences the universe has to offer, I definitely did go through profound depths and life-changing highs emotionally, and everything in between. \n\nSuddenly I heard a voice. A voice that was saying my name. I heard waves crashing, and felt my body again. My actual body, not the ones my consciousness had been getting dropped into at random. I felt like I was lying on a wooden raft, and felt the sun on me while the ocean rocked me gently. The door opened and I looked up to see T coming to check up on me. I looked around, and I was back in my room, lying face down on my bed. The walls were breathing deeply, and the edges of everything were shaky and hard to define. My sheets on my bed were sweeping inward and outward like the waves I had just felt. \n\nT asked how I was doing and I told him I was ok, I thought. I certainly didn't feel ok most of the night or even really then, but upon seeing that reality hadn't totally shattered and that I had some memory of how I got to where I was, I guess my social instinct took over and said I was fine. T could tell I was acting a little strange (probably just gawking at the bed or walls at 4/5 am) and asked if the ayahuasca had worked. \"Ooooooh yeah....\" I said. He was immediately apologetic. He had assumed that when I left him it was because I was tired and didn't feel anything. He fell asleep on the couch and had just woken up to his alarm he had set to leave early in the morning. I can't say I'm too upset with him though, because being left alone probably made for a much more profoundly introspective trip. \n\nSo here we are at the third stage of this experience where I was suddenly jerked back to the real world and made conscious again. I closed my eyes and was back on the raft, feeling the sun on my back and the ocean misting on me. T put on some [Shpongle](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qt2WbfotkU), a band I was not familiar with. If I had to say so, there's not much better music to listen to during strong psychedelic trips, I'm am still a huge fan of theirs now. This song, aptly titled D.M.T., really helped me recompose a lot of the fragmented feelings I had just gone through. I was amazed at how well the song matched the tone of different parts of my experience. I remember feeling calmed and like there was some force empathizing with me and showing me that I wasn't the only one who had journeyed to these places. As I recounted the night, I could see the memories of what happened slipping from me already. I had told myself there was no way I could forget even a second when everything I saw was so mind-bending and interesting, but here I was, already unable to come up with a composed thought. As I searched my brain, I became fully cognizant of things that had changed. I had different beliefs about life, people, politics, and spirituality. I had completely abandoned the pain I felt from my girl troubles. I felt like I was alive for the first day in my life. But why? I couldn't even remember what exactly had changed those feelings!\n\nAfter awhile of choosing some songs to play for me, T said he had to leave and get home before his parents were up and made sure I was ok to be left on my own. At this point, I felt like I was on a couple hits of acid, though I had no idea what that was like at the time. I sat in my room for the next couple hours feeling quite shaken up and confused, still getting startled by moving shadows on the walls. I eventually heard my family waking up and moving around and was nervous about confronting them. I felt like I had died and was reborn, something much more powerful than a near death experience (in my humble opinion), but I couldn't share it with them. Who was I now anyway? What did I do to myself? How would I reintegrate myself as a new person?  Where did all of these new existential questions come from??? I opened a box full of wonder about the world and myself that I still can't shut.\n\nThe visual distortion from the trip persisted for a couple of days or more, but I never really lost a part of my sight that I gained during the trip. I can't exactly put my finger on what it is, but nothing has looked the same since. In fact, all of my senses feel different, though sight is probably the most dominant for humans, and the one I really notice. I remember wondering shortly after regaining consciousness how long it would be until I felt normal again. I remember asking myself how I would feel about what happened and who I was after the drug had completely left me. But I never really felt like I came all the way back down. It's so strange how we can really only move forward. Once something is a part of you, it leaves it's mark even once it's gone. This is true on a neural level with how our brains grow. So don't mess with drugs kids they may make you high forever! (please refer to the note at the beginning of this post)\n\nWell it took me nearly a year of coming back to writing this, but it's something I've wanted to do since the night I went through it almost a decade ago. I'm not actually done, though I'm not sure when I'll write the follow-up post to this. This was mostly intended to be a flat, front-to-back explanation of what I went through. I'm hoping to piece together another post that explains how the experience really changed my thinking, emotions, and philosophies. That will be hard, because I don't really fully understand how I got the way I was or am (do any of us really?), but maybe taking the time to focus on it will help me sort that out a little too. \n\nAnyway, thanks for reading! I'm happy to answer any questions about this strange time I had, or just talk about it. I'm hoping that documenting and sharing experiences like this will open a new door for open and safe discussion about drug use and altered states of consciousness. I hope this post is eye-opening for at least someone on the potential of these powerful psychedelics. I hope all your trips can be as healing and therapeutic as this one was for me!",
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      "body": "Language can be paltry in it's ability to describe the psychedelic experience but then again, I believe any single mode of expression is not enough to fully share the synergistic quality of the experience. But I agree with your friends, these experiences ought to be shared to fight the fear mongering surrounding the community. Along with knowing how important mindset and physical setting are to these deeply personal phenomena, your intentions to discuss the integration into your life is important for illustrating the deep and lasting changes that can occur. These anecdotal accounts help support the quantitative analysis of these valuable substances; it will be a join effort between the scientist and the artist to lead this reawakening ;*",
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      "body": "![](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmUo3wEkJ3Vv3Xmw3QuCzsS2SA4CQNCpFxSNvNHcozUxDb/image.png)\n\nWell I thought I was going to be on here way more than I have been over the past few months, but a few things have been holding me back. Mainly that I haven't been actively pushing myself to be motivated to create content. I also said in my last post that I would begin to document several experiences I've had with psychoactives and altered states, and this actually became a huge roadblock for me. I started my recount of my initial experience with orally active DMT and, after writing several pages over a few weeks, determined that I need to break it up into two parts. The first part will be more of a literal description of the events that took place (whether \"real\" or hallucinated), and the second section will be a space for me to analyze and break down the experience from a more (hopefully) objective point of view. \n\nUnfortunately, these choices still haven't been enough to get more content up here. I made somewhat of a mistake choosing to do DMT for the intro to these posts. If any of you reading this have experienced it, you probably know it's more ineffable than just about anything else you can go through in this life. Trying to give an accurate description of an intense psychedelic experience is a fool's game really, but I haven't given up! As I said in [my intro post](https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@factionless/one-more-freedom-loving-blockchain-enthused-facebook-fleeing-steemian-joins-the-party), I struggle to always be confident that my posts or thoughts are good enough, or thorough enough, or will impact people enough, but I'm trying to drop that attitude since it's not only a worthless perspective to take on life, but I've had many friends tell me that my thoughts on these subjects are definitely worth sharing. So I hope I see you all soon in my upcoming posts and elsewhere. Thank you!",
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      "body": ">Communication is what makes us human, and brings depth to the human world.\n\n Communication may be be far more universal within organisms than just us humans, but I share a similar sentiment; I am very passionate about helping people regain their ability to send a message, even if that means it comes in a different mode. \n\nI appreciate that internal struggle, but your approach sounds very healthy, being mindful while still decisive toward a clear goal.",
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      "body": ">At the end of the day, the \"experience\" of using a substance exists entirely in an individual's mind, and I believe one way to be constructive with one's personal experiences (in general) is to effectively communicate them to others in hopes that they can generate positive discussion. \n\nI think that communication is what makes life so great, and when it has to do with how something has improved or even harmed our lives, it can be helpful for others to make decisions, but yes, ultimately your own research MUST be done before undertaking significant risk. \n\nAlways interesting to hear anecdotal experiences of others with psychoactive substances. I have dabbled in a few that you have listed so I am excited by the balance of novel and familiar topics you plan to discuss. I love to laugh :)",
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      "title": "My Experiences With Psychoactive Substances - Prologue",
      "body": "*__This post includes discussion about the use of psychoactive substances. Please do not take my statements on dosage, effect, benefits, or any other quality of a drug as directions or suggestions. The use of psychoactive substances presents immediate and long-term risks every time they are ingested.__*\n\n<center>https://steemitimages.com/DQmNn6ruyuvYUPnWgMqTySzHXr3APAe7hGwugrXNhDKvSVW/image.png</center>\n\nThis is an introduction to a series of posts I'm going to begin working on to help catalog my different experiences with drugs. Many of the reasons I'd like to do this are personal. I believe sitting down and writing out my thoughts will help me explore those spaces in my mind, especially because of the nature of drug use often being socially entwined. One passing moment in a conversation could spark a week's worth of deep introspection for someone, only to be glossed over at the turn of the topic moments later. Making a physical version such as this will allow people to pick and choose which parts of my experiences or thoughts they'd like to talk with me about and vice versa.  At the end of the day, the \"experience\" of using a substance exists entirely in an individual's mind, and I believe one way to be constructive with one's personal experiences (in general) is to effectively communicate them to others in hopes that they can generate positive discussion. I'm also hoping to get a lot of these thoughts out of my head and saved somewhere in case my mental faculties begin to degrade at some point and I become unable to describe them as effectively.\n\nI expect to be starting with describing my time using oral [DMT](https://www.erowid.org/chemicals/dmt/dmt.shtml). I want to get it out of the way first because it will probably be the hardest for me to put into words and has affected my life more than any other psychoactive substance, and I might return to it for another one of these posts. After that, there will be no specific order to which comes next, and I will make other posts in between these. I will certainly be doing ones on alcohol, cannabis, LSD, tobacco/nicotine, mushrooms, MDA, nitrous oxide, smoked DMT, DXM, some [research chemicals](https://www.erowid.org/psychoactives/research_chems/research_chems.shtml), and more. \n\nI know I wrote a warning at the top of this post, and will continue to, but I want to reinforce the fact that taking any of these substances presents at least some risks. Using drugs should always be a personal choice that one makes after careful consideration, and no one else should be responsible for what you choose to put into your body. Although I've had mostly great experiences with psychoactive substances, I consider myself lucky to have had the will and type of mind (neither being exceptional) that was able to make it through some extremely difficult experiences that I'm sure would have broken some people in some way. I also consider myself lucky for not being plagued with addiction (except maybe cannabis, but not much of a plague) or having other psychological or neurological issues that could have either made me unable to experiment or made it exceptionally dangerous to. I have made incredibly bad decisions that would have never happened if I didn't choose to experiment with drugs. Please make good choices, or at least make the best of a not-so-good choice any way you can, and be safe. It breaks my heart to hear about the terrible things that happen with psychoactive substances, from bad trips to the [opioid epidemic](https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/26/us/opioid-crisis-public-health-emergency.html) that has hit me through family and friends. \n\nIn this series, I might say something like, \"mushrooms are very helpful for getting in touch with your emotions, and has helped me and people I know with feelings of anxiety\". This is not a doctor's prescription for you to go buy a few caps and treat your anxiety or emotional issues. This is a reflection of my experience, nothing more, nothing less. There are many places you can go read about \"[safety](https://www.erowid.org/psychoactives/health/health.shtml)\", and although I will discuss safety, it will not be the focus, and for the millionth time, I'm not a professional in anything related to this, and I am not making any type of suggestion. I'm not saying this for legal reasons or anything like that, I'm saying it because I genuinely care about people having safe and positive experiences.\n\nStay tuned if you're interested! I hope someone finds my times with different substances to be informative, interesting, or at least comedic. I've certainly spent a lot of time laughing! \n\n<center>https://steemitimages.com/DQmaE4kqoccHM5oiUoJQv7g86Sry7xPKwc1zR1JhXBSLXqX/image.png</center>",
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      "body": "thanks for the cast and the good work guys",
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