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      "author": "steemitboard",
      "permlink": "steemitboard-notify-donnasyed-20190611t134553000z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Congratulations @donnasyed! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/https://steemitboard.com/@donnasyed/birthday3.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 3 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@donnasyed) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=donnasyed)_</sub>\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "(https://steemitimages.com/DQmbDjsM4KNN9qPdQonA4U8QHPYRYUkNeSnZcwe4JRbSfdG/image.png)\n\n## Nowadays, I go ahead and say things out-loud.\n<br>\nWho's with me?\n\nIt used to take me a lot longer than it does now, but the not speaking up? That, my dear, is where the pressure really builds up--the moment you realize you lost your voice somewhere along the way--or maybe the day you realize you've never really used your own voice of truth before. Sure, you might have used it to speak up for others, you might even passionately use your voice on someone else's behalf--but what happens when it's about you or for you?\n\n\n\nMine used to go something like this (on the inside):\n\n\n### Wait. Did I just see what I think I saw?\n\n### Did that really just happen?\n\n### Was that as crazy and absurd as I think it was, or was that just me?\n\n### What. in. the. HELL?\n\n### I don't know what to do with this.\n\n### WHAT. IN. THE. HELL!?!\n\n# {{{SPIN CYCLE}}}\n\n<br>\nThe \"spin cycle\" of questioning my own senses and sensibilities wasn't comfortable. It sucked dead rats. And it continued to suck dead rats until I started paying attention and trusting what I knew. When I would finally say it out-loud to myself, the spin cycle would start to slow down further and further as I began asking myself what was really true.\n\nOkay, the truth is, it does feeeel like I don't know what to do with this--these circumstances, these feelings, this stuff, this nagging, tangled place I'm in . . . for right now.\n\n*But what DO I know?*\n\n*Is there even one little-bitty choice I can make here?*\n\n*Is it simply just a choice between two (or more) very sucky things?*\n\n*Am I just too afraid to say what I need to say, or do what I need to do for my own well being?*\n\n*Or, am I just afraid right now because\nthe truest answer to my most burning\nquestions* seems *too painful to answer?*\n\n\nI dared to start trying to answer my own questions, to start taking a small inventory of what I actually know about myself. It can start anywhere but I started easy, \"So, what's MY favorite ice cream?\" or, \"Do I really like this shirt I'm wearing?\" Yes. I started there.\n\nBased on what I really knew about myself, could I trust myself to be my own best guardian? Would I buy myself cherry walnut ice cream (which is yuck to me), or what I prefer most, pistachio almond ice cream with a giant spoon? As my preferences began to matter things began to shift. Along this journey back to myself, I sought Divine wisdom, human helpers and teachers, I deeply studied well-respected and scholarly opinions on the matters at hand, I paid for guidance, I experienced big feedback--and then I started paying attention to the part of me that needed a voice, needed compassion, and that needed me to show up and attend.\n\nAnd I was afraid . . .\nuntil I learned how to start trusting myself again.<br>\nNo way did it happen overnight. Anyone who knows me today can testify that I've taken the long way around, traveled through some littered, dumpy back roads with polluted scenery and even encountered the occasional scary carnival clown. Growing up, I was a passenger, I couldn't always put the brakes on and pull u-turns on the low roads, but I always knew I would if I could--even when it meant I had to sweat blood to push myself to (and past) the point of fatigue, back up the hill on a very low tank of gas. It does get hard.\n\nAnd after that, it gets much, much easier.\n\nAs far back as anyone can remember, the sun has come up again every single day. As a matter of fact, it has risen to almost high-noon right now as I'm writing this to you; and yet, just three days ago, it was hidden behind some clouds.\n\nAnd yet, I refused to allow myself to pretend the sun just wasn't there.\n\n(https://steemitimages.com/DQmUptZLxEWgLLkTzwpr2k46AiL1iyYgRNZuQ1sJposWbHk/image.png)\n\n\nTruthfairy Field Guide: No Guru Required (http://amzn.to/2scdeB7)\n![Truthfairy 4 Book Stack .png](https://steemitimages.com/DQmciyPodHJ7Hbaq4rLbndPMPVHvkWwvr2Ud7VR9CAsRF83/Truthfairy%204%20Book%20Stack%20.png)",
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      "body": "@amyf, thank you! It was my pleasure to write it and my hope is that others can come along the path to healing from this, sometimes relentless, challenge. It absolutely can and does get better with the right information and assistance.",
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      "body": "Thank you for this beautifully written post @donnasyed and for sharing your experiences with PTSD! I am very glad to hear that you are finding a way to conquer this rough state of being! I can relate to the feeling of just pushing through it vs. actually feeling better, two very different things. Here's to a successful break up!",
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      "title": "Breaking Up With My PTSD: The Reality of Recovering From Haunting Trauma",
      "body": "https://i2.wp.com/donnasyed.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/Breaking-Up-With-My-PTSD-TFP-BDL.png?resize=940%2C675!\n\n\nMy almost life-long companion and I are actually breaking up. I should be more specific. What I’m breaking up with is more exactly known as C-PTSD, a form of PTSD. I think we’re in the final stages of our separation. It’s been a long and drawn-out breakup because that’s how it goes with C-PTSD. Once you get to know it well, you practice breaking up with it every day. Some days require more sorting out and negotiation than others.\n\nIt’s been around a long time for me. My children have all become very familiar with it even though they didn’t know what they’re really seeing. Most people outside of our home never even knew it was around.\n\nMy kids think it’s “just mom” and had no way to know when it was a bad day for loud, sudden noises or that a game of “Let’s Hide and Scare Mom!” could send me off like a bottle-rocket and put my heartbeat in the red zone — and while my kids would get a laugh and a charge out of it, it wasn’t fun or funny for Mom. They didn’t have any way to understand that.\n\nThe people I meet in the business world have never been introduced to this pestering companion of mine. They had no reason to know that my C-PTSD nightmares could sweat me up like a Baptist preacher at a tent revival. I always showed up when I said I would and, even when I didn’t think I could, I would perform like a champ because most of the time I could bite down on the leather and manage my anxiety like a Green Beret. It was exhausting.\n\nMy family of origin cannot understand why I feel like a humming 220 live wire around them. They don’t seem to understand how or why I became the black sheep of the family — because they believe, and they are right, it was my own decision to distance myself from them and make life choices they don’t relate to or respect.\n\nSo, am I fully rid of this condition that feels like a stalker? I’m not sure anyone ever shakes it completely because it seems to hang around just to remind you about all the times it saved you from being killed or hurt in the most dangerous of times. It works hard to preserve evidence of just how bad it was, just how alone and helpless you felt (and probably were). It goes on trying to prove its worth by showing you the re-runs of the bad scenes — all in the name of trying to figure it out and make sense of what feels like senseless, incomprehensible trauma. It was only trying to keep you alive, after all. How could you want to break up, you know, after all you’ve been through together?\n\nTrue, it did help me develop super-acute hearing that can detect a thump in the night, or a belt-buckle jangling like no one else I know. It is also true that I could depend on the C-PTSD to shoot me up with life saving adrenalin and pain-numbing endorphins when anyone or anything surprised or felt threatening to me. If I seemed too comfortable in my peaceful life or too collected and in-control of my emotions after facing any level of crisis (or dare I say even sometimes, joy and happiness), I could count on it to show up like a jack-in-the-box with surprise review videos that would play out in the form of flashbacks or nightmares.\n\nIt was a reliable resource for so many reminders and tried to act as a protector, but it was nowhere to be found during the nasty but natural stress-chemical hangovers I held myself accountable for.\n\nThe thing about PTSD and C-PTSD is that it is on what I call a “carnival spectrum” ranging from the hardcore nightmare of scary clowns in a dark, abandoned carnival to, when you’re getting better, occasional daytime ghost hunting. That’s how I knew when my PTDSD was in the “mostly managed” category. Every person in the trenches with PTSD is trying to recover, and they all need support.\n\nYou know what it really is? Trauma <i>conditioned behavior</i>.\n\nIt was a few years after returning from an extended tour of duty in Vietnam that my father started figuring out that he wasn’t just riding an angry roulette wheel. He started to untangle a few pieces of his struggle when he put it together that his getting drunk at the neighborhood tavern would almost always turn out to be a bad night for him. He stopped drinking there when he realized the ferns hanging from ceiling hooks were a problem (trigger) for him when he had too much to drink. What he didn’t put together for a long time was even though drinking seemed to help him anesthetize his pain, it only made things worse over time.\n\nGiven what was available at the time, no one could convince him to stop and VA didn’t seem able to offer him anything better. As we know, flashbacks are not a veterans’ friend, in fact, they can be decidedly dangerous if a civilianized soldier becomes terrified — with or without alcohol added in. People around my father sometimes got hurt. While he never hurt me, he did hurt my mother in unspeakable ways; and even though I didn’t live with him after I was four years old, I can still vividly remember watching him lose touch with his awareness and self-control. PTSD isn’t an excuse for any violence, but it does offer a viable explanation. The good news is, now that we know what we know, this can get better.\n\nWhether from war or ongoing, inescapable abuse, PTSD happens because of our ‘Factory-Installed,’ naturally occurring crisis response system was left in the “on” position without the decompression and care that is needed to reset it. The good news is, we know more about how to help people who experience trauma more than we ever have and there are people in our world, right now, who are investing their energy to help us all understand, heal, and recover.\n\nOur conversation is far from over, but I’ll end for today with this …\n\nGod bless those who were once the children of abusive adults whether they endured emotional, physical, sexual, or psychological abuse, I want you to know, your recovery from it is your right. You didn’t choose it. You didn’t cause it. You didn’t invite it. You didn’t deserve it.\n\nNo matter what.\n\nGod bless the survivors of domestic abuse. You never deserved it either.\n\nAnd, to the veterans and victims of war, both military and civilian, I know that I cannot understand where you’ve been and what you have and continue to endure.\n\nJust know that I feel the same way about you all, and I believe you.\n\nRemember, this is your #life.",
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      "title": "The Art of Untangling Yourself -Part One",
      "body": "![Untangle](http://i1.wp.com/donnasyed.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/Art-of-Untangling-Donna-Syed-BLOG-OR-TWitter-1.png?resize=1024%2C512) \n\n*2-Minute Read* | \n# Everybody is tangled up somewhere about something. \nAnd right here is where start untangling yourself.\n\nIf you’re really trying to figure yourself out, you’re already on the right path. If you have begun to ask yourself why you do what you do, why you think what you think, why you believe what you believe, if you can feel at all that you are headed in the direction toward what you were meant to do while you’re here, or if you’ve become insatiably curious about what good your life on Earth can serve . . .\n\n# I want you to realize, those are some very precious questions.\n \nThe questions you’re asking yourself are as valuable as your most honest answers. The good news, the bad news, and the beauty of it all is, only you can find the best answers to any of them. If that seems daunting and overwhelming to think about (because all these things seem so very big and so very serious, and there are so many brambly tangles in the way), I’m with you on that.\n\nI can remember feeling like my life was the biggest most frustrating knot of kite string wound up around a wonky, wire clothes hanger. I was able to keep my kite in the air but it wasn’t flying as high and effortlessly as it could, and it certainly wasn’t easy (or the most fun). Much of the time, it felt like a math puzzle with too many unknowns to be able to solve for any reasonable answer.\n\nIf this is where you are now, you can move closer to where you want to be.\n\n## **HERE’S STEP ONE:**\n\nLet’s pretend a little here. If you and I were **face-to-face** (in person or virtually) and I asked you:\n\n*Why do you do that?*\n*Why you think that?*\n*Why you believe that?*\n*Is that what you think were put on this Earth to do?*\n\nWould you blurt out, “*Idon’tknow*” as if it were one word? Would you opt-out of some or all of the questions in another way?\n\n## The first step to getting untangled is to simply pay attention to your first, knee-jerk answers to these questions.\n\n## **I RECOMMEND:**\n\nFor one whole day, program your brain to listen for the phrase, “I don’t know.”\nJust “tag” that phrase in your brain. Every time you answer any question out-loud (or in your mind) with, “I don’t know,” . . .\n\n# Pause.\nNow, politely ask yourself, “Is that *absolutely* true?”\n \nMore times that not, you’ll find that you really do know. Even if it’s just a clue.\n\n\n![TBC Donna](http://i2.wp.com/donnasyed.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/To-Be-Continued-Donna.png?resize=292%2C143)\n\n\n# *One-to-One Untangling Sessions Start Here*\n[![Untangle Session](http://i0.wp.com/donnasyed.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/you-are-lovely.png?w=1080)](http://donnasyed.com/work-with-me/)",
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