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      "title": "LUST IN SPACE",
      "body": "In space no one can hear you cream… Allan Bryce says we are not alone - so don't forget to lock the bathroom door!\n\nSpace. The final frontier. Who knows what lies beyond the barriers of our universe? Don't ask me - I can hardly navigate my way round the one-way system in Croydon. It's a subject that has fascinated moviemake!s for many years now (space, not the one way system), and particularly those who deal in the area of the low-budget quickie.\nThese enlightened souls believe that man will one day travel among the stars, where he will probably discover a race of big-busted Amazon ladies, who will immediately strip off their clothes and jump all over them. This is nice work if you can get it - but is it enough justification for spending five thousand billion dollars on the space programme? We say yes, actually.\n\nhttps://steemitimages.com/DQmfTbnrxaUFSRRx8gnm7dkWgxoXBYuuBHEwxgjyXVur585/fire_maidens_of_outer_space_poster_04.jpg\n\nThe first space girl to make an impact on me was Jane Fonda, working out in zero gravity to some really groovy 60s music under the main titles of Barbarella. Piece by piece she removed her space suit until you could see bits of her that film stars weren't supposed to have. The sight gave me such a thrill that I almost put my name down for the space shuttle there and then. But the film itself wasn't so hot; it was a silly comedy directed by Roger Vadim (then Jane's husband), and told of 41st Century bimbo Barbarella's various misadventures rescuing scientist Duran Duran (yes, the group did take their name from this character) and saving the universe from a fate worse than a sequel.\nOne of the most memorably lusty space voyages was undertaken in 1953's immortal cinema classic Cat Women Of The Moon, where intrepid rocket ship commander Sonny Tufts (now there's a name to conjure with) crash-landed what looked like an intergalactic dustbin into a moon made of cardboard rather than green cheese. There he discovered a large amount of pussy, so he blasted off a bit smartish and the titles came up as he went into a wholesome clinch with navigator Marie Windsor.\nThe male fantasy of visiting distant worlds populated exclusively by gorgeous, man-hungry females also served as the basis for the unforgettable Fire Maidens from Outer Space, a film so bad that people have been known to walk out when it’s shown as an in-flight movie! This time, it was instant has-been Anthony Dexter who pranged his tinfoil spacecraft on the surface of the planet Jupiter and found a number of hotcha starlets wearing skimpy bathing suits and dancing to the music of Borodin. When not doing this or casting lusty glances at Dexter, the fire maidens lay around in pools of lava getting all steamed up - these chicks were really hot stuff. Fortunately, a lumpy faced monster in tights appears to create a diversion and lets the lads escape back to earth, where they all had a jar in the pub and no doubt slagged their agents off something rotten.\n\nAnother version of this plot turned up in the sexy sci-fi spoof Amazon Women on the Moon, which saw the usual bunch of blundering astronauts getting drawn into the clutches of a well-endowed Amazon queen (the bounteous Sybil Danning) and being subjected to her lustful advances - a prospect that seems to me to be far from daunting. This one tried to be funny but, surprisingly, turned out to be a lot less of a giggle than the unintentionally hilarious movies it set out to parody.\nTalking about girls with a lot of front: They don’t come any bustier than Tina Small, a lady who never caught sight of her feet in her entire life. Big Tina went on the rampage in UltraVision International’s Girl from Planet X, trying to save the world from the dreaded Ming the Merciless, a graduate of the Edwina Currie charm school who wanted to blast our planet with a sex ray. She stuffed her unbelievable 93 inch contours into a specially designed NASA bra and boldly went where no ma’am had gone before. There were some pretty impressive effects here, accomplished by imaginative use of a computer paintbox, but it was Tina herself who made the journey memorable. Sharing a zero gravity capsule with a gal like that would be like going ten rounds with Mike Tyson!\nOur exploration of some of the steamier spots in the galaxy continues with the intellectually stimulating Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity, which trashes the microchip revolution and has its protagonists out riding among the stars in a chintzy spacecraft manufactured from egg cartons and silver paper (complete with furry dice on the dashboard and a nodding dog in the back). And what will we find out there? That’s right: Big paper mache monsters that look like bizarro universe Teletubbies, and plenty of big-busted babes just raring for a spot of ‘hide the salami’.\nReleased by the enterprising Allied Troma distributors, this film may not be 2001, but it’s certainly a space oddity. It opens with the two luscious heroines of the title (played by sassy New Yorkers Elizabeth Cayton and Cindy Beale - didn't she use to be in Eastenders?) chained helplessly to the wall of a slave galley as an offering for a randy android. Fortunately the chains are made out of the same flimsy material as the script, and before you know it they’ve kicked their captors just below their Darth Vader lunchboxes and have made good their escape in a rickety spacecraft. ‘It says here we need a glove to start it’ says Cindy. ‘Well, look in the glove compartment’ says Liz. Brain power is not this kid’s strong point - in fact she has to take her bra off to count to two.\nNot long afterwards, their flying Kellogs box piles up on one of those remote planets at the far end of the galaxy that serves as a magnet for every low-on-fuel space wreck around. Having lost their bearings (and most of their clothes) in the prang-up, Cindy and Liz don fetching chamois leather bikinis and begin to explore this strange, extraterrestrial garden centre, stumbling across a mad hunter called Zed, and a plot that’s as old as 1932’s Most Dangerous Game. It’s all great fun in a daft way, and just the thing to put on when you invite a few mates back from the pub on a Friday night. If you want them to leave early, that is.\n\n![cat_women_of_moon_poster_03.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmPgakojpEdNzL755zqKEdPk2vV1QBX2QzNAGnhEEWbgyh/cat_women_of_moon_poster_03.jpg)\n\nOf course, the other problem we may have to face in the future is sex-starved alien females coming down to Earth to capture we hunky fellahs for erotic experiments. Imagine if Tina Small turned up to jump all over you. The mind boggles! It’s certainly made me think about putting a mortise lock on the front door, I can tell you.\nSexy extraterrestrials are among us in the Troma release Dr Alien, which has these bulbous-headed creatures (aliens, not Mastermind finalists) grabbing hold of nerdish, sex-starved teen Billy Jacoby and giving him a big prick in the bum (no comments please) which causes this funny sort of penis thing to grow out of his head - a cosmetic addition that proves fatally attractive to all females who cross his path. Before long, all the cracking crumpet on campus are tearing off their clothes and throwing themselves at Billy. But is our hero happy? Not a bit of it. He is, in fact, what we describe in the trade as ‘cream crackered’ or ‘completely shagged out and not at all ready for the libidinous attentions of Dr Alien herself (played by the gorgeous Judy Landers). The moral of this story is clear; if a big plonker grows out of your bonce then start wearing a hat, pronto!\nA more sinister extraterrestrial invasion can be seen in Not Of The Earth, a re-run of a 50s cheapie which features the lowest budget alien invasion in many a moon: just one guy in dark glasses and a 50s-style business suit who comes to earth to raid a few blood banks. This film is primarily of interest to DVD-X readers because it stars a certain Miss Traci Lords, better known as the notorious hardcore porno star who rocked the industry in the late 80s with her confession that she was underage when she first started bonking on celluloid.\nIn fact the film was made as the result of a wager between the legendary producer Roger Corman and his youthful protege, Jim Wynorski, that the latter couldn't turn out a reasonable remake of Corman's 50s quickie in a period of twelve days. Wynorski managed to do it, winning a brand new Porsche in the process. But it's easy to see where the corners were cut: in one scene you can see the whole film crew reflected in the shiny surface of a sports car! It's fun though, in a corny sort of way, and Traci does get to take her clothes off a few times, which is always worth crossing the street for!\n\n![600full-not-of-this-earth-(roger-corman's-cult-classics)-cover.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmNpCiw5ucZHMdHqGfbnr2BudzCK317FNDLT7v9ZYPBabK/600full-not-of-this-earth-(roger-corman's-cult-classics)-cover.jpg)\n\nOther sexy sci-fi spoofs well worth tracking down include Femalien, Bad Girls From Mars, Prison Planet, Space Sluts In The Slammer and the inevitable Beach Babes From Beyond Part 2! There are also some very hot alien women in Dead Weekend, which tells of a shape-shifting creature who goes on the rampage to seduce puny Earth men - why does this sort of thing never happen in my neighbourhood?\nPerhaps we'll return to this intriguing subject at a later date, but now we've run out of, er, space. So as we boldly go off to seek out new civilisations, the question we must ask ourselves is:: Is there intelligent life out there? Patrick Moore said there was and he should have known - he looked like he came in from Saturn on the last shuttle. The answer lies in the future. In the meantime, like the reporter said at the end of the 1951 classic, The Thing From Another World, “Keep watching the skies!” And be careful of those bloody pigeons…",
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      "title": "DEATH OF A SCHLOCK MERCHANT",
      "body": "Al Adamson was an unsung hero of the exploitation business, servicing the redneck drive-in crowd with a host of lurid, low-budget shockers such as Vampire Men Of The Lost Planet, Horror Of The Blood Monsters and Blood Of Ghastly Horror, and building a minor cult reputation in the process. By the mid-90s he had more or less retired from the movie biz, but he planned a comeback. In an interview with an American horror fanzine, he explained that he had a new project in mind, one that he was sure would make headlines. \n\nAdamson made the front page all right, but not in the way he would have wished! \nIn August, 1995, police were called to his home in Indio, about 150 miles southeast of Los Angeles, where they made a grim discovery. The 66-year-old director hadn’t been seen around for five weeks, and after interviewing witnesses and examining recent construction work, cops and forensic specialists took up the flooring in the bathroom. The director’s corpse was buried there under four tons of cement. It had been dumped in a hole from which a Jacuzzi had been removed. His skull had been bashed in with a heavy object. \n\nThe tabloid newspapers made much Al’s macabre demise. Looking into his colourful background they discovered links to organised crime and even the Charles Manson gang. Was he the victim of a contract “hit,” or had one of Charlie’s psychotic followers done a Sharon Tate on him? \n\n![](https://steemitimages.com/DQmZo5oZ2yng5Jyge74VfvGWdrARmNwc3FKG4rDTYfWuJnd/image.png)\n\nAlbert Victor Adamson was born in 1929, the son of silent western star Denver Dixon, who  gave young Al a movie camera and set him off on a two decade career of churning out schlock. His first movie was a no-budget shocker called Psycho-A-Go-Go. Realising this made no sense whatsoever, he added new scenes featuring old horror stager John Carradine and the film was let loose on drive-in audiences as The Fiend With The Electronic Brain. It still made no sense. \nNot long after this, Adamson fell into partnership with a would-be-tycoon named Rex Carlton, who stumped up the budget for Blood Of Dracula’s Castle. Featuring a cut-price Drac who drinks the blood of young girls drained in syringes and served up in cocktail glasses, it was a modest success, but Carlton and Adamson were ripped off by the distributors. It turned out that Carlton had “borrowed” mob money” to finance the movie, and when he couldn’t make the repayments he took a gun and blew his brains out. “He knew they’d have killed him anyway,” said Adamson philosophically.\nThe following year he found safer funding for Hell’s Bloody Devils, a violent biker flick that was one of several shot at the Spahn Ranch, where Charles Manson and his followers hung out before embarking on their late 60s murder spree. George Spahn was a friend of Adamson’s father. Now he was blind, and Manson’s hippies were looking after him. Always astute at finding ways to reduce a movie’s budget, Adamson arranged for the cast and crew of Hell’s Bloody Devils to gorge themselves on free Kentucky Fried Chicken - by the simple expedient of offering a cameo role to KFC boss Colonel Harlan Sanders!\nThough Al could never have been accused of making a good film, he came closest with Satan’s Sadists, a brutal 1969 biker flick that made big bucks on the grindhouse circuit. Booze-ridden West Side Story star Russ Tamblyn played the leader of the grime-stained title bunch, raping, pillaging and sampling prohibited substances in their search for ever greater kicks. The film’s theme song went, “By the time I was twelve I was killing, killing for Satan…”\nWhile it was good to see former family entertainment icon Tamblyn debasing himself in so enthusiastic a fashion, a more significant bit of casting was that of busty blonde Regina Carroll as “The Freak Out Girl,” the proverbial good time had by all. Regina first came to Al’s attention when she spilled coffee over him in the restaurant where she was working as a waitress, and she later went on to do it at the breakfast table as well, becoming his wife.\n\nAdamson returned to the Spahn Ranch in 1968 to make Lash Of Lust, an adults-only sex western that concerned women being kidnapped and abused. This time he actually came into contact with the bearded, Christ-like Manson, as Al reported in a later interview. “We were shooting a scene and Manson came over with three or four of his girls. I don’t know if they were the ones that did the murders or not. Manson and his followers were ogling the naked actresses. His women were all taking their tops off and being a bit of a nuisance. In the end we had to physically throw them off the set. It’s hard for me to understand how people can follow a guy like that…”\nAdamson was developing quite a following himself by now, and Satan’s Sadists had proven a box office bonanza, grossing some $20 million back when tickets were a dollar and a half! Going into partnership with old friend Sam Sherman, Adamson formed Independent International Productions and began churning out low-budget horror movies such as Brain Of Blood, Horror Of The Blood Monsters and Dracula Vs. Frankenstein, the latter featuring veteran horror actor (and boozer) Lon Chaney Jr in one of his final roles. Said Adamson, “Lon was very ill, and between every scene he’d do his vomiting and come right back to work. It wasn’t drinking. He had cancer and he was fighting to stay alive.”\nCharles Manson was safely behind bars by the time Adamson made Angels’ Wild Women in 1972. This movie was a deliberate attempt to capitalise on the Manson killings, and featured a brutal confrontation between bikers and psychotic hippies filmed where else but the Spahn Ranch. The bikers won, of course. Other Adamson exploiters from around this time include Blazing Stewardesses, a western comedy rip-off of Mel Brooks’ Blazing Saddles, and I Spit On Your Corpse, a prison camp picture featuring porno actress Georgina Spelvin, who left the movie early after refusing to wade into a desert pool. “I don’t mind being fucked on camera,” she said, “but I’m damned if I’m gonna get myself dirty!” \n![](https://steemitimages.com/DQmW5ae7H7fyWEoDBHzwqyfAAAWAFJQKegWmEJqU58MWSk5/image.png)\n\n\nBy the mid-70s the decline of the drive-in market caused Adamson to slow down and diversify his career. He shot a few black action movies and a sexy musical called Cinderella 2000. In 1981 he made his final movie, a misguided kiddie fantasy entitled Carnival Magic. The story of a ‘cute’ talking chimp, the film also marked the final screen appearance of Regina Carroll, who died of lung cancer in 1993 at the untimely age of 49. Having dabbled in the property business and opened successful restaurants in Utah and Santa Monica, Al was just on the verge of making a comeback, directing a UFO-themed sci-fi movie, when he was found murdered.\nIt didn’t take the police long to track down Adamson’s killer. It wasn’t a berserk biker, one of Charles Manson’s old cronies, or even a disgruntled viewer of one of  the director’s films. The culprit turned out to be beefy 50-year-old builder Fred Fulford, who had been working as a general contractor helping Adamson remodel his home, and was actually living there at the time of the murder. \nIt seems that the two had a dispute over money which ended with Fulford bashing Al’s head in with a piece of pipe. After the killing, Fulford went to Florida and tried to sell several of Adamson’s cars, at which point he was apprehended. Sentencing Fulford to 25 years to life in prison, Judge Graham Cribbs called the crime “cold-hearted and callous,” going on to say, “It was like something out of a horror movie script.” Very true, but there’s also no denying the fact that it was a fitting end for a man who made so many truly weird films!",
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