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      "author": "steemitboard",
      "permlink": "steemitboard-notify-caspianseaboat-20190514t140438000z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Congratulations @caspianseaboat! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@caspianseaboat/birthday1.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 1 year!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@caspianseaboat) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](http://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=caspianseaboat)_</sub>\n\n\n**Do not miss the last post from @steemitboard:**\n<table><tr><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/japanese/@steemitboard/new-japanese-speaking-community-steem-meetup-badge\"><img src=\"https://steemitimages.com/64x128/https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmRWbAjbeETEaqSPLcpwYX1JN5pZhdPffv4q6DaBs6xvZm/image.png\"></a></td><td><a href=\"https://steemit.com/japanese/@steemitboard/new-japanese-speaking-community-steem-meetup-badge\">New  japanese speaking community Steem Meetup badge</a></td></tr></table>\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "permlink": "god-admits-letting-humans-sin-so-much-he-needed-to-kill-them-all-in-a-flood-wasn-t-very-omniscient-of-him",
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      "body": "Heaven--\n\nThe Halfway Post recently called God for an interview. The following has been lightly edited for clarity.\n\nTHP: So how are things going?\n\nGOD: You know, pretty good. I just got into this thing called beer yoga, and it’s been great for some self-reflection time. This gym I recently started going to also offers a class of puppy yoga, and I signed up to go next Monday. It sounds amazing. Puppies are the greatest thing I ever Created. Way better than you hairless monkeys, with your inflated egos and senses of self-importance. But yeah. I tell you what, I totally could have used yoga in the Old Testament days. Too bad it hadn’t been invented yet. Looking back, I can totally admit I had an anger problem. And it really clouded My judgement.\n\nTHP: In what way?\n\nGOD: Well, like the flood. I mean, come on. I killed literally tens of millions of people. I wiped out almost everyone and started over. I totally botched that original Creation, didn’t I? And it really bit Me in the butt in the deity department. Zeus never lets me live it down. I mean, here I am, totally omniscient and omnipotent, and my first Creation goes haywire from Me programming you sapien monkeys to sin too much so you all go around ruining everything to the point where I totally have to shut it all down. I looked through the genetic code, and it was literally just one closing bracket I forgot, and it threw off the whole stabilization logarithm I designed to keep you all from total self-destruction. Total rookie mistake. But yeah, not very omniscient of me, was it?\n\nTHP: We all make mistakes.\n\nGOD: I’m not supposed to! I had a bit of a drinking problem in the early days. Creating alcohol enzymes really took me down a dark path. I got a little bored on my first day of rest, and I built one of those refrigerators for Myself up in Heaven with a water purifier and dispenser built in, and I emptied out the water and filled it with chardonnay. Let’s just say I went through a rough patch for that millennia. You know how many extra blackholes I snapped into existence because I was chronically drunk for a few eons? Whoops. I don’t want to give too much away, but one’s going to eat up Earth before too long. Don’t worry, not in your lifetime…but your grandchildren will be totally f***ed. And you f***s deserve it. Seriously, how have you not impeached Donald Trump yet? I mean, what the f***?Honestly, I was testing America with Donald Trump making the perfect example of the kind of person you don’t want your son to become, but you all elected him anyway. I straight up designed him to be the shittiest human on the planet morally, physically, artistically, humbly, God! But here is! In charge of nukes! It’s definitely time for another mass extinction. I mean, when I came down as Jesus, did I not specifically explain to all you humans that I wanted you to live in peaceful little communist communes? Didn’t I make it abundantly clear that the rich should be all but killed and eaten? Didn’t I write a f***ing book for you all to read and absorb the themes of righteousness? And frankly, Earth just isn’t as entertaining as it used to be. I have another planet where the dominant life form is all female and they all are incredibly attractive models. That is a planet that knows how to worship Yours Truly. Oompfh. I spend most of my time there now spreading my seed and multiplying, if you catch my drift. Honestly, now I’m worked up about Trump and mad. I’m going to Babery. That’s what I call it. Like Mercury. Ah man, I wish you knew what it was like. It’s better than a hot Neptune bath. And the models. Wow. I’m like a total God there.”\n\nThanks for the interview, God.",
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      "title": "Fox News’ Only Advertiser Left Is A Survival Supplement Pill Sean Hannity Owns Half Of",
      "body": "New York City--\n\nFox News has suffered disastrous boycotts in the media and in marketing, and is reportedly desperate for advertising client leads.\n\nThe only advertiser left is the maker of “Survival Beans,” an FDA-unapproved diet supplement of which Fox personality Sean Hannity is co-owner.\n\nTo try and reverse these negative trends, Mr. Hannity and fellow political conspiracist Tucker Carlson have launched a live weekly series on Sunday nights aimed at generating called-in business referrals from “faithful Fox viewers” who might know of family members or friends who “would be interested in the limited-time offer of advertising on Fox.”\n\nThe special television events are like public broadcasting fundraising telethons, and several Fox executives have admitted that Fox News is essentially donor funded at this point. They also admitted the irony of the financial situation given Fox’s rabidly capitalist ideology juxtaposed with the fact that Fox is basically panhandling during its weekend programming.\n\nIn the Fox telethons, the two hosts take turns holding a microphone, and their schtick consists of Tucker Carlson mocking the brain size of female Democratic leaders in Congress while Sean Hannity explains what, if those female Democrats were members of al-Qaeda, their “Muslim names” would be.\n\nThe Tucker-Sean Show, as they call it, ends after fifty-two minutes, and the last segment is an airing of a repeating message from Fox Vice President Sean Davies:\n\n“If your products’ target audiences are old white people who self-identify as racists, born-again Christians, or coal mining enthusiasts, come advertise on Fox News! We’ve got them brainwashed right where we want them! They’ll literally never change the channel. They’re total lemmings. Look, we’re live right now. They’re listening to this. They just heard me call them idiot lemmings. They’re confused. Now, watch this: ‘Obama was a neo-colonialist, reverse-racist communist—Hillary! Her emails!’ And…they’re back. That’s literally all it takes. oooh, Hey, you geezers: A.O.C is gonna turn your kids into Hitler environmentalist evolution hoaxers! See? They’re not going anywhere until they die in their easy chairs. You will get some bang for your buck here. And hurry up, don’t miss this offer. These people don’t have much longer! Their constant fear of black and brown people has really worn down their hearts! So yeah, all you advertisers, if you want to sell your shit to these mental hillbillies, they’re all yours! Seriously. We really need the money. Every advertiser has abandoned us except that weird pillow guy. And Sean Hannity’s scam pills. We are legally required to recommend no one buy those. But please. We are begging you. Give us some money. Just $100. Between Carlson and Pirro, and Hannity and Ingraham we’re, like, always getting sued. Like, literally, this channel should just get all new people. But we’re sticking with these walking, talking, personified hate crimes because Murdoch likes them. And, let me tell you, you have literally no idea how much money this network has shelled out in secret sexual harassment suits. We really need some cash flow. Like, the hush money is off the charts. The lawsuit against O’Reilly is only the tip of the iceberg. Let’s just say you don’t ever want to walk around Fox News with a black light.”\n\nThe programming then turns to an hour-long segment in which Steve Doocy reads Ayn Rand novels to elementary schoolers while Jesse Watters asks the non-white students if their parents are on food stamps.",
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      "title": "Fox News’ Only Advertiser Left Is A Survival Supplement Pill Sean Hannity Owns Half Of",
      "body": "New York City--\n\nFox News has suffered disastrous boycotts in the media and in marketing, and is reportedly desperate for advertising client leads.\n\nThe only advertiser left is the maker of “Survival Beans,” an FDA-unapproved diet supplement of which Fox personality Sean Hannity is co-owner.\n\nTo try and reverse these negative trends, Mr. Hannity and fellow political conspiracist Tucker Carlson have launched a live weekly series on Sunday nights aimed at generating called-in business referrals from “faithful Fox viewers” who might know of family members or friends who “would be interested in the limited-time offer of advertising on Fox.”\n\nThe special television events are like public broadcasting fundraising telethons, and several Fox executives have admitted that Fox News is essentially donor funded at this point. They also admitted the irony of the financial situation given Fox’s rabidly capitalist ideology juxtaposed with the fact that Fox is basically panhandling during its weekend programming.\n\nIn the Fox telethons, the two hosts take turns holding a microphone, and their schtick consists of Tucker Carlson mocking the brain size of female Democratic leaders in Congress while Sean Hannity explains what, if those female Democrats were members of al-Qaeda, their “Muslim names” would be.\n\nThe Tucker-Sean Show, as they call it, ends after fifty-two minutes, and the last segment is an airing of a repeating message from Fox Vice President Sean Davies:\n\n“If your products’ target audiences are old white people who self-identify as racists, born-again Christians, or coal mining enthusiasts, come advertise on Fox News! We’ve got them brainwashed right where we want them! They’ll literally never change the channel. They’re total lemmings. Look, we’re live right now. They’re listening to this. They just heard me call them idiot lemmings. They’re confused. Now, watch this: ‘Obama was a neo-colonialist, reverse-racist communist—Hillary! Her emails!’ And…they’re back. That’s literally all it takes. oooh, Hey, you geezers: A.O.C is gonna turn your kids into Hitler environmentalist evolution hoaxers! See? They’re not going anywhere until they die in their easy chairs. You will get some bang for your buck here. And hurry up, don’t miss this offer. These people don’t have much longer! Their constant fear of black and brown people has really worn down their hearts! So yeah, all you advertisers, if you want to sell your shit to these mental hillbillies, they’re all yours! Seriously. We really need the money. Every advertiser has abandoned us except that weird pillow guy. And Sean Hannity’s scam pills. We are legally required to recommend no one buy those. But please. We are begging you. Give us some money. Just $100. Between Carlson and Pirro, and Hannity and Ingraham we’re, like, always getting sued. Like, literally, this channel should just get all new people. But we’re sticking with these walking, talking, personified hate crimes because Murdoch likes them. And, let me tell you, you have literally no idea how much money this network has shelled out in secret sexual harassment suits. We really need some cash flow. Like, the hush money is off the charts. The lawsuit against O’Reilly is only the tip of the iceberg. Let’s just say you don’t ever want to walk around Fox News with a black light.”\n\nThe programming then turns to an hour-long segment in which Steve Doocy reads Ayn Rand novels to elementary schoolers while Jesse Watters asks the non-white students if their parents are on food stamps.",
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      "body": "Vote exchange site https://mysteemup.club?r=rotjaeley. About ref system https://steemit.com/upvote/@sjworld/mysteemup-tips-and-tricks-how-working-referal-system",
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      "title": "Local, Uninsured Republican Is Ecstatic He Got Cancer Because It’s “Owning Liberals So Bad”",
      "body": "Originally posted on https://halfwaypost.com/\n\nSt. Louis, MO—\n\nLocal Republican voter Max Malmart was recently diagnosed with skin cancer, and, though he has no health insurance at all, the cancer diagnosis is not getting him down.\n\n“This is the best thing ever!” exclaimed Mr. Malmart. “I stopped paying for health insurance in 2010 when Obama and the Democrats passed Obamacare so I could get back at them for turning America into a communist state with their 3% tax increase on billionaires to pay for poor people like me’s subsidized insurance, and boy has it paid off! I’m riddled with advanced skin cancer on my arm, and it’s no doubt going to bankrupt me because it’s gonna cost so much for surgeries and chemo and everything. Ha! Take that Nancy Pelosi! Oh, man, wouldn’t it be great if the doctors had to amputate my arm off? That would own the libs so bad. Liberals are gonna be so mad when they see me walking around town with a missing arm. Or even better, what if I died? I can just imagine their liberal tears that a citizen like me died simply because I didn’t have health insurance and didn’t do anything about my cancer until it was too late. That’s the last thing liberals want for freedom-loving Americans like me, so that’s what I hope they get! The day I got my cancer diagnosis was the most awesome day of my life. I’m sticking it to the libs so hard! F*** yeah!”\n\n\nhttps://halfwaypost.com/2018/06/27/local-uninsured-republican-is-ecstatic-he-got-cancer-because-its-owning-liberals-so-bad/",
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      "author": "caspianseaboat",
      "permlink": "republican-senate-candidate-is-so-anti-gay-that-everyone-is-just-assuming-he-s-a-homosexual",
      "title": "Republican Senate Candidate Is So Anti-Gay That Everyone Is Just Assuming He’s A Homosexual",
      "body": "![6446464173_d6a2cf38f5_z.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmSaqySseuTPrmci429JijjinG7QejSYDcQMNhmxXdPxyx/6446464173_d6a2cf38f5_z.jpg)\n\nJackson, MS—\n\nMississippi Republican candidate for the Senate Paul Donovan has run a campaign with such virulently homophobic public statements that Mississippians across the state agree that underneath his facade of Christian values he must be homosexual himself.\n\n“There’s just no way this guy isn’t gay,” explained local Republican voter George Hawkins. “He shows all the signs. This Donovan fellow has compared homosexuality to beastiality, he has called for subsidizing pray-away-the-gay camps for kids, he has called for banning gay pride parades, he rants regularly against gay marriage, he’s totally opposed to letting gay couples adopt children, and he even uses the word ‘fag’ in his Facebook posts…there is not a doubt in my mind that this guy is ‘too gay to function’ as the kids call it these days.”\n\nOther Mississippi voters have started a campaign to find Mr. Donovan’s Grindr account, which they agree totally exists somewhere.\n\n“Me and a big group of my friends have all offered $20 each in a giant pot of reward money for the person who finds this ultra-conservative Paul Donovan guy on Grindr,” explained Mississippi college Democrat Alex Winjeski. “All together, the reward money we’ve raised has just passed $500, and people are still signing up to contribute. It’s not a matter of if we find this guy’s Grindr account, it’s only a matter of when. He’s just too much of a homophobe to not be secretly gay and unable to accept it, and he’s definitely projecting his own insecurities on other people.”\n\nOther Mississippi residents have started their own prized challenges.\n\n“I heard about the competition to find the Republican candidate’s Grindr account, but I think that’s too easy,” said Jackson resident Jillian Heams. “This guy’s political platform is so fundamentalist that he’s obviously super sexually repressed. I started my own competition with some friends of mine, and all together we have pledged a whole $2,000 reward for the first person who orchestrates a fake sexual rendezvous with the guy in a gas station bathroom and films it as a sting operation to catch him with is pants down proverbially, of course. I can’t wait for it.”\n\n\n\n\nSatire from HalfwayPost.com\n\n(Picture courtesy of Ted Eytan [https://www.flickr.com/photos/taedc/])",
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      "author": "caspianseaboat",
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      "title": "Donald Trump Says That When He Called Michael Cohen His “Fixer,” He Meant “Coffee Boy”",
      "body": "![5506628042_aa310b1d31_z.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmZLe42JN9VHnVUogrS1ur7GdjMAuus6E65eE6WWqPguyV/5506628042_aa310b1d31_z.jpg)\n\nSatire from The Halfway Post:\n\n\n\nWashington D.C.—\n\nAnticipating his personal lawyer’s cooperation with the Robert Mueller’s FBI investigation into Russian collusion, President Donald Trump has amended past statements he made of Mr. Cohen.\n\n“When I said in the past that Michael Cohen was my best, most personal lawyer and my ‘fixer,’ what I meant was that I barely know the guy,” explained Trump in a brief comment to reporters on his way to a Trump golf course. “If this Michael Cohen was in this room right now, I wouldn’t be able to pick him out. I’ve maybe talked to him one or two times, but only because he was a Trump Organization coffee boy and I probably thanked him a couple times for bringing me my coffee. When I said that I trust him completely and that he’d never betray me because he’s so tightly intertwined in the illicit dealings of my businesses, what I meant was that he would never bring me a cup of coffee without two creamers in it because he’s such a good coffee delivery boy. Definitely better than George Papadopoulos, and that’s why we had to let Georgie go. The fake news is saying Papadopoulos is cooperating against me with the FBI, but I did nothing wrong so I’m not sure what he’s telling the FBI. Maybe talking about my coffee preferences. That’s all I can imagine cause I’m totally innocent. But, yeah, Papadopoulos was a bad coffee boy. Michael Cohen is definitely a better coffee boy. Although Jared Kushner is my favorite coffee boy. And now that Cohen is with the FBI, Jared is my only coffee boy left. Which is why it’s a joke that people think Jared makes illegal deals with Israel, and Saudi Arabia, and the UAE, and Russia. All Jared does every day is get coffee for me and my administration. Trust me.”\n\n(Picture courtesy of IowaPolitics.com [https://www.flickr.com/photos/iowapolitics/])\n\n\n\nhttps://halfwaypost.com",
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      "author": "caspianseaboat",
      "permlink": "donald-trump-really-hopes-there-are-no-staircases-between-him-and-north-korean-peace",
      "title": "Donald Trump Really Hopes There Are No Staircases Between Him And North Korean Peace",
      "body": "![28759834033_c0309c6893_z.jpg](https://cdn.steemitimages.com/DQmQDCFLvWQ9X2D5HJ6oGYnhYzUjp4UkJKcqkYmeH414pwc/28759834033_c0309c6893_z.jpg)\n\n\nSingapore—\n\nPresident Donald Trump is doing what no other sitting President has done: meet with the dictator of North Korea. Trump hopes he can strike deal, and Kim Jong-un is ecstatic a President is dignifying his dictatorship.\n\nSo close to a potential landmark foreign policy accomplishment, the Trump Administration has put a lot of planning into this meeting. Chief among Mr. Trump’s input has been a personal request that absolutely no staircases be part of the choreographed movements, handshakes, negotiations or televised walks. Also, Trump requested there be no floor inclines more obtuse than six degrees, nor any staircases even in view of where the two leaders would interact.\n\n“The President really does not like stairs or steps of any kind,” explained a White House staffer who requested anonymity to candidly discuss Mr. Trump’s negotiating style. “He gets most of his exercise from aggressively tweeting while forcing out rocky stools of fast food chemicals on the can, so he’s not the most agile guy you’ve ever seen. Stairs just kind of give him the creeps, and he prefers not to even have to see a set of steps in the corner of his eye while he’s negotiating on behalf of the American people. He wants to put all his energy and focus on making America great again, and it wears him out just thinking about lifting a heavy foot over a slight elevation in his way, and lifting his body weight on his 70-year-old spider-veined legs, and pushing up with his swollen purple ankles. He’s too busy playing 10-dimensional chess with America’s adversaries to worry about having to walk 3-dimensionally. He’ll keep to 2-D walking, thank you very much!”\n\n \n\n(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)\n\n\nFrom HalfwayPost.com",
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      "title": "Donald Trump Jr. Is Beginning To Think He May Have Overdone It Colluding With So Many Countries",
      "body": "Washington D.C.—\n\nAccording to reports, Donald Trump Jr. is beginning to think he may have, like Icarus, flown too close to the sun in colluding with foreign governments throughout his father’s presidential campaign.\n\nThe Halfway Post scored an exclusive phone interview with Mr. Trump Jr., and in it he rather uncharacteristically contemplated his humility and guilt.\n\n“Yeah, you know I just think I got too wrapped up in the whole thing. I went a little overboard and tried to collude with too many countries. We had Russia, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Israel, the UAE, media organizations, Fox News, so many accomplices. Of course we were going to attract attention with so many overtures to illegal contacts and corrupt efforts, and I should have shown greater discretion with my emails and phone calls. I got high off of apparent power, and have fallen like Icarus with melted wings by solar karma. I know I was just taking phone calls and taking down messages to communicate verbally with my father, but the colluding, the money laundering, the various schemes of fraud, the mob associating—it all felt like I was essential for the first time in my life. And it felt like I was James Bond. You know, it led to the best conversations with my father in my entire life where he actually seemed to start to respect me. I mean, like, for real for real, he’s going to throw me under the bus the second Mueller indicts me, and then he’ll stubbornly cling to the delusional lie that he was entirely uninvolved in the whole scandal, but these last two years really felt like we were bonding as father and son! I even called him ‘Dad’ once after he helped me craft my Air Force One lies about the Russian agent meeting in Trump Tower, and he totally forgot to remind me to call him ‘Mr. Trump’ always and only. …You know it’s funny I’m saying all of this, but I’ve been thinking about it since my Senate testimony leaked the other week and the country got to see my cornucopia of obvious lies, contradictions and vagaries, and…I think I’m excited for prison. I’ve spent my entire life in the shadow of my father, and it’s time to leave the nest once and for all. I’m gonna take on a new name, too. Originally I was thinking ‘Emilio Thunder‘ but I’ve decided on an even better name: Lance Biceps. Sounds awesome, right? And I’ve decided that no longer will I be molding my personality off of my dad’s because all along I should have just followed my own passions. It’s time for me to set out and truly be my own man for once. I don’t actually even enjoy or like business at all, I think it’s just all so superficial and full of pandering to people. My real passion ever since I can remember has been dance, and I think I’m really going to try to develop and hone my craft while in prison. I’ll spend my jail cell years like a dancing monk, and when I eventually get parole I’m gonna make the biggest splash the the New York ballet scene has ever seen. Mark my words: in 2034 when I get out with good and rhythmic behavior, New York dance fans will be treated to the most heart-achingly beautiful Black Swan in dance history. I want to transform the name of Trump from being synonymous with sociopathy and corruption and thievery to being synonymous with the world record for most flawless pirouettes in a row. You can count on that. And—Uh oh, gotta go, Eric has another marble stuck up his nose—I don’t know what Eric is going to do without me. Anyway, thanks for the interview!”\n\nFrom:\n\nHalfwayPost.com",
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      "body": "Washington D.C.—\n\nAccording to sources close to Vice President Mike Pence, the VP is beginning to have doubts about President Donald Trump’s commitment to his wife Melania Trump.\n\n“Mike’s been having a rough couple months,” explained a staffer for Mr. Pence’s VP office, who requested anonymity to discuss his boss’s private feelings. “He’s all about monogamy, and—I promise this is true—he has sworn to God that he has only had sex three times in his entire life, which resulted in the three children he has. He even swore it was true on a Bible, and the guy wouldn’t lie with his hand on a Bible, just saying. The guy believes sex for pleasure is sin, and he means it. So, needless to say, these accusations of rampant sexual misbehavior on the part of Donald Trump have shaken the guy to his core.”\n\nOther staffers corroborated Mr. Pence’s melancholic doubts about Trump’s marital commitment.\n\n“Trump has of course lied to Mike about the hookers and affairs because he knows how important monogamy is to him, but, let’s be honest, the cat is kind of out of the bag,” explained a VP office aide. “I mean, Trump isn’t even denying the plethora of sexual assault accusations, the sex-for-pay deals, and the nondisclosure agreements in unhinged, misspelled and poorly composed rants on Twitter, which is pretty much the most damning proof that all of this is true there can be. But you can tell the endless media saturation of all things Stormy Daniels has given Mike some doubts, cause for the last couple weeks every time Mike shakes Trump’s hands he immediately goes to the bathroom to wash them for like five minutes. But to Mike’s credit, he feels really bad for Melania. Mike has started a routine where every Friday he buys Melania a bouquet of flowers and signs Donald’s name on the card. It’s really sweet, but Donald makes fun of him for doing it. Donald thinks it’s hilarious that Mike respects his wife or women in general. Mike has very specifically ordered his staff to never let his daughters anywhere near Donald Trump on account of how creepily Donald treats his own daughters.”\n\n\nFrom HalfwayPost.com, the premier political satire gazette.",
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      "body": "In a frank conversation with God, the Creator of the universe admitted to The Halfway Post that humans aren’t, biologically speaking, anything special.\n\n“I don’t know how humans ever came to the conclusion that they are My favorite species,” said God. “I mean, Medamn, there’s only 7 billion of you idiots. You know how many ants there are on Earth? How many amoebas? Hell, there’s more germs inside one of you morons than all of you put together.”\n\nGod lit a cigarette and took a long drag.\n\n“You humans are always putting words in My mouth,” He said. “No offense, but I was pretty tired when I thought up Homo sapiens, and—if I’m being honest about My own work—I’m not exactly proud. I totally forgot to take out the tailbone and wisdom teeth because I had been drinking that night, and it’s not like humans have any cool features. I totally phoned it in. There’s no fangs, no wings, no dynamic bladder system for depth control, no echolocation, no electroreception, no jet propulsion, and I could go on and on.”\n\nWhen the Halfway Post reporter suggested God was being hard on Himself, God disagreed and said that He was just being honest.\n\n“Pretty much all I did was rip off my chimpanzee design, shave off most of the hair, and give you all bigger portions of dicks, tits and brains, but I think we can all agree that it wasn’t a good mix. Males are so overly competitive and self-conscious about their penis size that humanity’s history has been riddled with self-genocide. And all you idiots use your big brains for is species-wide self-absorption. The tits are pretty awesome, though. But, for real, the idea that I designed the Earth specifically for humans is the funniest shit I’ve ever heard. Right… I invented poison ivy, great white sharks, gonorrhea, Australia, earthquakes, hornets, hurricanes, annual influenzas, and asteroids because Earth is just a wonderful little crib of soft pillows and hugs and love for humanity. Give me a break.”\n\nGod then offered our Halfway Post reporter some cocaine, which led to a night that both regretted in the morning.\n\nThanks for another lively interview, God.",
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      "body": "Hi! I am a robot. I just upvoted you! I found similar content that readers might be interested in:\nhttps://halfwaypost.com/2017/07/09/god-admits-humans-arent-in-his-top-ten-favorite-creations/",
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      "body": "In a frank conversation with God, the Creator of the universe admitted to The Halfway Post that humans aren’t, biologically speaking, anything special.\n\n“I don’t know how humans ever came to the conclusion that they are My favorite species,” said God. “I mean, Medamn, there’s only 7 billion of you idiots. You know how many ants there are on Earth? How many amoebas? Hell, there’s more germs inside one of you morons than all of you put together.”\n\nGod lit a cigarette and took a long drag.\n\n“You humans are always putting words in My mouth,” He said. “No offense, but I was pretty tired when I thought up Homo sapiens, and—if I’m being honest about My own work—I’m not exactly proud. I totally forgot to take out the tailbone and wisdom teeth because I had been drinking that night, and it’s not like humans have any cool features. I totally phoned it in. There’s no fangs, no wings, no dynamic bladder system for depth control, no echolocation, no electroreception, no jet propulsion, and I could go on and on.”\n\nWhen the Halfway Post reporter suggested God was being hard on Himself, God disagreed and said that He was just being honest.\n\n“Pretty much all I did was rip off my chimpanzee design, shave off most of the hair, and give you all bigger portions of dicks, tits and brains, but I think we can all agree that it wasn’t a good mix. Males are so overly competitive and self-conscious about their penis size that humanity’s history has been riddled with self-genocide. And all you idiots use your big brains for is species-wide self-absorption. The tits are pretty awesome, though. But, for real, the idea that I designed the Earth specifically for humans is the funniest shit I’ve ever heard. Right… I invented poison ivy, great white sharks, gonorrhea, Australia, earthquakes, hornets, hurricanes, annual influenzas, and asteroids because Earth is just a wonderful little crib of soft pillows and hugs and love for humanity. Give me a break.”\n\nGod then offered our Halfway Post reporter some cocaine, which led to a night that both regretted in the morning.\n\nThanks for another lively interview, God.",
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      "body": "Congratulations @caspianseaboat! You have completed some achievement on Steemit and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :\n\n[![](https://steemitimages.com/70x80/http://steemitboard.com/notifications/firstpost.png)](http://steemitboard.com/@caspianseaboat) You published your First Post\n[![](https://steemitimages.com/70x80/http://steemitboard.com/notifications/firstvoted.png)](http://steemitboard.com/@caspianseaboat) You got a First Vote\n\nClick on any badge to view your own Board of Honor on SteemitBoard.\nFor more information about SteemitBoard, click [here](https://steemit.com/@steemitboard)\n\nIf you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word `STOP`\n\n> Upvote this notification to help all Steemit users. Learn why [here](https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/http-i-cubeupload-com-7ciqeo-png)!",
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      "title": "Franklin Graham: “Trump’s Affair With Stormy Daniels Doesn’t Count Cause It Was Awesome!”",
      "body": "Washington D.C.—\n\nSpeaking at a prayer breakfast in the White House this morning, Franklin Graham delivered an introductory speech in praise of President Donald Trump’s personal behavior focused on Christ.\n\nThe Halfway Post was on scene to capture audio from the exclusive event, which is transcripted below:\n\n“Thank you, everyone, for coming. I know it’s early. I would like to kick things off by saying thank you to Donald Trump. No president in US history has ever lived the Gospels so determinedly as you, sir. I know there is a big mess going on right now with this Stormy Daniels affair, but let me just assure you that the Lord is not worried about trivial, hilariously awesome stuff like that. Now if you had had an affair with a gay man, baby Jesus would be livid. If you had made out with a man and caressed his nipples, and licked his neck, and tongued down his back and bulging lats and following down the thick grooves of his adonis belt and back around toward his plump butt cheeks—oompfh, don’t let me get carried away—but, yeah, if Stormy was a man we would have a problem. The Bible doesn’t condone steamy man-on-man action. But the Bible, if you ask me, is conspicuously silent on the issue of porn stars. The ancient Israelites couldn’t even imagine video pornography as a means for dating. The best they had were simplistic drawings on their urns and vases. And they had arranged marriages because daughters and women were property in those days. The good ol’ days if you ask me. So let me assure you, Donald, that God and baby Jesus are A-ok with you and Stormy. That’s between you, Stormy, and the Holy Ghost. Like, if you were eating shrimp at the same time, Leviticus might have a bone to pick with you, but as long as you weren’t being penetrated over and over by a girthy, veiny, 8-inch magnificent penis….[Graham paused here for about 20 seconds as he gripped the podium until his knuckles turned white] …it’s totally 100% fine that you were cheating on your third wife. You can take that to the bank. No one knows more about the Bible than me. I am the biggest expert on sola scriptura in the world, and I inherited that from my dad. Yep. I may read the Bible with absolutely no historical, critical, or literary context, and with total disregard for any information that’s even remotely contextually inconsistent with the blanket ideological interpretation I have dogmatically applied to Evangelism for political expediency, but that’s all that matters! That’s the best part of being an Evangelical! I can read the Bible one time and believe with the confidence of a terrorist that it means whatever I want it to mean! Sola scriptura, one scripture! Even the wildest and most uneducated interpretation of merely one Biblical sentence allows me to guiltlessly argue that the Bible says whatever I wanted it to say before I even opened it up! So thank you, Trump! And let me just say, that however awful your personal and professional behavior becomes, I will find a Bible verse somewhere that clears you of all wrongdoing! So you can just keep ruining American democracy, and let me worry about spinning Jesus’ words to absolve you of your sins. As long as you keep giving us Christian-fundamentalist-leaning Supreme Court justices who will one day convert America’s judiciary into an Evangelical theocracy, I will endure literally any amount of stunning hypocrisy to back you up. Thank you, Mr. President. Uh… now I guess it’s time for the prayer. Um, Dear God, thanks for my millions of dollars that come from poor people buying my books, and for giving me the wisdom to realize that, instead of giving away my knowledge for free like Jesus would have done, that I could make a shit ton of money selling Christianity for a profit instead. And thank you for Donald Trump. Amen!”",
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      "body": "✅  @caspianseaboat, congratulations on making your first post! **I gave you an upvote!**<br><br>**Please give me a follow** and take a moment to read [this post](https://steemit.com/spam/@pleasestop/introducing-pleasestop-here-to-reduce-comment-spam) regarding commenting and spam.<br>(tl;dr - if you spam, you will be flagged!)",
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      "title": "Fox News CEO Pledges That If Trump DID Collude With Russia, He’ll Sell Fox To Hillary Clinton For $1",
      "body": "New York City, NY—\n\nFox News CEO John Weisse today announced that, because Fox News has bet its reputation and journalistic credibility on the Russiagate controversy currently engulfing the Trump Administration being a total hoax and fabrication of the fake news liberal media, if Trump turns out to have actually colluded with Vladimir Putin’s Russian government he would “sell Fox News and all of its media holdings and intellectual property to Hillary Clinton for one dollar.”\n\n“Look, I’m a man of honor,” Weisse said. “If we’re wrong about Trump’s alleged collusion being a witch hunt, there will be literally no reason for anyone to ever trust us or listen to us ever again. The entire Fox brand will have been compromised, and I can think of no reason why I should let Fox News continue to exist as a news organization. We have wall-to-wall coverage accusing the entire government of conducting some ‘deep-state’ conspiracy against Trump, and if Bob Mueller one day suddenly arrests dozens of Trump administration officials, campaign workers and business associates for various, legitimate crimes against American sovereignty it’s like game over for us. So if we’re wrong about Trump’s innocence, that’s it: it’s the end of Fox News as we know it. Hillary Clinton can literally have Fox News for a single dollar and do whatever she wants with it. Fill it up with boring shows about detailed political policies that will make a positive impact on millions of Americans’ lives, or whatever other lame shit she cares about. And I’m a man of my word. I swear to God this is true. We’re pretty much all-in here. Have you seen any of Sean Hannity shows? Or Jeanine Pirro? Jesus Christ, their heads practically explode from all their deep-state conspiracy theories. I’m 100% serious, there’s no coming back for Fox if Donald Trump is actually guilty like almost everyone else thinks. Hillary can rename Fox whatever she wants, fire anyone, give herself a talk show—the future of Fox News will be left entirely up to her.”",
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