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      "body": "![-tantrums.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmVTAH79Fp2Vm2YvLvZpxWe4FopnSnyepjWxcZ7g5gYmtx/how-handle-temper-tantrums.jpg)\nIt’s your mother’s 80th birthday party and your four-year old refuses to go unless she’s allowed to wear her old, dirty sneakers and favorite jeans. The pretty party dress you spent a fortune on is lying in a heap on her bedroom floor. She looks at you with that all-too-familiar “see what I can do” glint in her eye. Her chin is defiantly thrust forward; her feet are firmly glued to the ground. Mount Everest. She is waiting to see if you will dare to scale her heights or recede into the cowardly shadows of bribes or, better still, will you fall on your knees and plead? You feel your anger churning and unthinkable fantasies of “really-showing-her-who-is-boss” flash through your mind. Your voice rises. She cries and flails. You yell louder. She stomps and kicks. An hour has passed. She wins. She wears the sneakers and jeans to the party. You have aged five years.\nConflicts with our children are inevitable. In fact, they can even be healthy – provided we can learn how to transform them into life-lessons. At the core, conflict is created when there is a battle of wills: your way or the highway; this or that; either-or; now or never. It is when we engage in dualistic, rigid thinking that we find ourselves in a battle for power and control.\nThe first step to finding transcendence in a conflict is to examine one’s own dualistic thinking and the unconscious ways we fight for control. Conflicts arise simply because of a desire in both parties to assert their will and a corresponding inability to let go of the need to “win,” dominate, or control, the other. Children have an instinctual egocentricity which makes them obsessive about “winning,” therefore it is up to us, as parents, to teach them to transform this instinctual desire into “higher-order wisdom.” We can do this through our approach to conflict.\nConflict need not be about winning or losing. Our entire notion of conflict can be turned on its head, but only if we are willing to look within ourselves and examine the often incessant and mindless quest for control we have as parents.\nLet’s look at conflict in a different way:  Conflict can be a valuable conduit for “give and take,” negotiation, and learning the art of losing and compromising.  Your four-old can be taught, right there in the moment, that this is not a “me versus you” situation, but instead a “we are in this together and we need to find a creative solution that works for us both” situation. But to do this, you the parent must first detach from the desire to “win” and have it “your way or no way.” So perhaps the dress is worn, but with the sneakers instead of the dress-up shoes. Or perhaps, the dress is worn, but she is promised that she gets to choose the outfit the next time. Or perhaps you let go of your need to have her look a certain way altogether and let her wear what she wants, because after all, it is all mainly your ego that is in the way – your ego-desire to have your child look or act like a “doll” because heaven forbid, “what will the relatives think?” Regardless, this stale mate can be transformed into a rich dialogue and abundant opportunity for practicing the art of compromise.  Of course, there are some situations where there can be no compromise, such as safety and respect for self and others, but for the most part, the rest of the conflicts we engage in are all about our parental (massive) egos. Our desires to “appear” a certain way to the outside world.\nConflict offers timeless life-lessons both for parent and child. Lessons that teach our children: “Yes, you can indeed assert your will, and you will not be punished for it, but at the very same time, you will learn how to accept and absorb another’s will.” And we parents learn to examine our own egos and detach from our quest for mindless control. Parenting is a two-way transformation indeed!\nIf we, as parents, can practice and then teach the dance of balancing the “I” and the “We” then we will have truly taught our children one of life’s hardest lessons. If we can view conflict as a way to experience the “art of losing,” the beauty of creating compromise and the fool-hardiness of living in a rigid world of “either-or,” then we can teach our children to live life as it truly is: messy, full of complex and competing demands, and rich with unpredictability. We will teach them that “winning” at life is all about finding creative solutions, being flexible, and learning to negotiate with an intimate other.",
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      "body": "Hi! I am a robot. I just upvoted you! I found similar content that readers might be interested in:\nhttps://drshefali.com/3-mistakes-every-parent-makes-during-a-meltdown/",
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      "title": "3 Mistakes Every Parent Makes During a Meltdown",
      "body": "![-1080x675.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQma31GLfFwYwZUt4XCAmkj3XTo3Lu8JEaWSQcfxEAPyL5R/Foap-Little_Miss_Temper-1080x675.jpg)\nMeltdowns are tough. Tantrums are treacherous.\nThey are downright life-sucking. They sneak on you without notice and they stay like the plague.\nOnce they arrive, there is no switch to turn them off. It’s like the aliens have descended and abducted your child’s brain. One moment your toddler, pre teen or teen is the sweetest thing, all cuddly in your arms and whoa, what happened – what did you miss? – you blinked and the torrents descended. Your child transforms from human to monster, from sweetness to absolute wickedness. Arms flailing, tears pouring, voice shrieking – should I say more???\n \nEvery parent just wants to know one thing: “how can I get my kid to stop?”\nIn our confusion, we say the wrong things to our children. Without realizing we worsen the situation, instead of mitigating it. In all my years as a parent and clinical psychologist, these are the three common phrases parents say that not only exacerbates the tantrum but also creates a disconnect between parent and child.\n \nMISTAKE #1: “Use Your Words”\nNew-age parents especially, think that they are being highly evolved when they tell their kids to use their words. This is the absolute wrong thing to tell a kid who is in the middle of a brain freeze and emotional flood. The last thing they can do at these moments is use their literacy skills. This is especially true for kids under the age of 6. When we tell them to use their words, we frustrate them to no end because this is not the mental state they are naturally in. They feel controlled by us even more and this causes them to kick and scream even louder.\nWHAT TO DO INSTEAD: As your kid is overwhelmed by their big feelings, it is crucial that we enter their presence with a state of detached, yet calm, energy. We need to show them that we are there for them, without controlling them or domineering over them. Like a tall mountain, we need to show them that we can withstand their torrential thunders and their gusty winds. The most important thing we can do is move toward them with stillness, calmness and full-on presence, and try to hold them close to us if they let us. When they see us relate to them with great empathy in our eyes, they will naturally absorb our strong, yet silent, caring and slowly begin to find their way out of the dungeon themselves. The moment they sense us controlling them, however, the quicker they will resist and pump their tantrum with more gusto.\n \n!DisciplineParent-1024x576.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmXtXZWamwGLjKPRnHwZSPScXBveepAbdYxWqUayvnNGbs/DrShefali_Blog_DisciplineParent-1024x576.jpg)\n \nMISTAKE #2: “What’s wrong? What happened? Why are you acting this way?”\nAgain, in an attempt to connect to our kids, we try to use questions to get to our kids’ heart. We want to show them that we care and are concerned about their well-being. In our desire to come across as loving, we ask them a thousand questions, probing, inquisitive and curious. We think this is going to help our kids open up. What this does instead is cause them to clam up even more. When our kids’ are showing their upset through their screams, tears and body-language, it’s as if they are shouting at us, “Can’t you see that I am mad/sad/hurt/betrayed/guilty/scared??? WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME TO SAY WHY AND HOW??? Can’t you just be here with me and allow me to express my pain?”\nWHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Remember this, every human just wants to be seen and heard. We want to be accepted for who we are and for whatever state we are in. We don’t want to have to rationalize and justify our feelings to anyone. We just want to feel. Pure and simple. This is especially true with kids. The biggest gift parents can give their children is to allow them a space to express their feelings without putting words, thought, explanations or justifications onto it. In this way, children learn to be non-threatened by big feelings and simply roll with them as they arise in their beings. Feelings in and feelings out. Allowing kids to be vessels of their own feelings and not force them to deny, shut-down or explain them away is one of the most valuable gifts we can give them.\n \nMISTAKE #3: “Stop it right now. You are going to get a consequence if you don’t.”\nIf you have read my first and second books, The Conscious Parent and Out of Control, you probably already know my thoughts around punishments, threats and time-outs for kids. When we tell our kids to stop their meltdowns, it’s akin to us putting a burger in our mouth and being told not to chew on it. It’s virtually impossible. When our kids feel ashamed of their big feelings, they absorb the self-image that they are “weak,” and “immature.” They equate this to being lesser-than and inadequate. These are not positive messages for them to internalize at all!\nWHAT TO DO INSTEAD: When we emit the energy that we are unafraid of our children’s big feelings, we communicate to them that they too have nothing to be afraid of. When they see us unfazed by their feelings, they learn to be the same as well. It is not our job to control when and how our children have big feelings. Our job is only to support and guide them through the big waves and help them come to the other side feeling whole and validated. Once we teach them how to swim through the waters of their feelings, we empower them to do the same when they are alone. Instead of punishing them, we need to empathize with them and relate to them through our body-language and soft, soothing tone of voice. We need to draw them close to us and stroke their hair. We need to calm them through body-rubs and gentle love. This is what will allow them to eventually let their feelings wash through and subside.",
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      "parent_permlink": "ali",
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      "title": "Your Child is Ordinary – Congratulations!",
      "body": "![Unpotentialized-Child-1080x675.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQma3gA6NgQxwkHtcBcd9WZMiXV4shsv7dPT5iiiNgNfbD4/Unpotentialized-Child-1080x675.jpg)\nIf there is one fear that is common to most of the parents I have encountered, it is this: “My child is ordinary.” It’s as if they have been insulted, or worse still, rejected in some way. Where does this fear come from? Why is there such a need for us – parents especially – to raise “extraordinary” children? Is our sense of self so compromised that we need our children to wear bells and whistles just so we can feel good about ourselves?\nCountless parents believe they need to “optimize” their children and feel guilty if they don’t push them—all because of a deeply ingrained fear-driven idea that we need our children to reach for an imaginary “potential.”\nOne of the common phrases many parents use is this, “I just want my child to reach their potential.” In this quest for “potential” they feel justified to push and pressure them, and in many instances shame and belittle them, all the while believing that they are doing so for the good of their children.\nThe idea of living up to one’s potential needs to be redefined. Instead of seeing potential as future-oriented, involving who our children will become, we need to break the word down into its components, getting at the root meaning. The word “potent” lies at the heart of the word. Potency isn’t futuristic, but refers to the power our children already possess that will propel them into a better tomorrow. Anything that will come later is founded in what’s already abundant in a child, not on something we are trying to instill. Look up the word “potency” and you will find synonyms such as “vigor,” “capacity,” “energy,” “might,” and “moxie.” Each of these speaks to the abundance of vitality a child possesses in the here and now. So if we wish to emphasize a child’s potential, we need to focus on the child’s inherent powers right here, right now, not on wishful thinking about what they might someday “become.”\nWhen it comes to living in the now, young children are gurus. Perhaps it’s their lack of language, especially in the first few years of life, that allows them to immerse themselves in reality body and soul. Their ability to be in this moment now, detached from “what was” and “what might be,” with all its fearful “what ifs,” is a sharp reminder to us of how to engage life in the time zone in which we actually find ourselves.\nWhen we shift from defining potential as something in the future and move into the recognition of each child’s potency in the here and now, our entire perception of what is “extraordinary” shifts. Now, instead of wishing for something – often fantasized – to take form in order to claim it “special,” we shift our attention to what is occurring in the present moment. And when we do, our children reveal themselves to be gifted with abundant qualities. It is here – in our attention to the here and now that we become aware that every child is both gifted and ordinary at the same time.\nWe begin to notice the nuanced qualities of their character and are amazed by all that unfolds before us. Instead of medals and certificates being the qualifiers of merit, we begin to pay attention to the joy in their eyes and the quickness of their smiles. We realize that our children don’t possess just one quality, but are forever and fluidly capable of many expressions, including giftedness and ordinariness.\nThe insight slowly dawns that our children are indeed extraordinary – in their very ordinariness and that we can end the quest for them to be anything “extra” or “special,” for they already possess all that they need to in this present moment. Isn’t this a liberating thought? I counter that not only is it liberating for us to stop the quest of fixing and producing our children – but also ultimately empowering for our children. Can you imagine the release of pressure a child must feel knowing that who it is they are – at this present moment – is worthy of their parent’s praise? It immediately allows them to feel a sense of rightness within themselves – one that releases their capacity to fully potentialize themselves.",
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      "parent_permlink": "article",
      "author": "billi123",
      "permlink": "what-s-the-driving-emotion-of-the-ego",
      "title": "What’s the Driving Emotion of the Ego?",
      "body": "![fear-ego-1080x675 (1).jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmQ32g9kNWi86snUurioTMSPLpWbaXGNHDdwErR6yuq7BS/fear-ego-1080x675%20(1).jpg)\nIt is fear that drives our anxiety and other reactions to our children.\nIt is really the cornerstone of all our reactive emotions and reactive energy, especially around our loved one. Even our angry or worried reactions.\nNow, you and I may not call anger – fear. Or you and I may not call worry or concern “fear” that emerges from our unhealed past. You may say: “Oh, that’s just caring about my child. So, Dr. Shefali, how is caring about my child connected to fear for myself?” Or, you may say: My spouse gets angry all the time. How is that connected to fear?”\nLet me explain:\nFear masks itself in many disguises. Fear is really the other name for ego. Fear is the emotion that underpins the ego. The ego, as we talked about in session one, is really the false self. The self that has forgotten that it is one with everyone around it and one with the Divine Source, with the universe, with cosmos, with every energy possible. And especially one with our children.\nThis is especially true when our children are misbehaving.\nFear the emotional undertone of the ego, of the false self.\nLet’s break this down further:\nIf you watch a person getting angry and ask them what are they feeling in that moment, they will say something like: “Well, I’m just so frustrated.” or “I’m feeling so helpless right now.” or “I’m feeling out of control because person X isn’t abiding by my fantasy, by my expectation, by my vision of what this moment should look like.” It could be a boss, it could be a sibling, it most definitely could be your child. So, as soon as you see someone angry and you ask them to tap into the their feeling – and you can do this yourself – you will begin to use words like “frustration”, “helplessness”, “feeling out of control”, “feeling powerless”. Well, what are these expressions of? Fear.\nAnger is just a pre-step disguise of initial fear. So, on page 13 I write: “Because we all pass through childhood, and given that we were raised by the parents who were largely unaware of how to navigate the parental years in a manner that would result in our growing up to be emotionally mature, we are bound to suffer from varying degrees of unconsciousness. So, by fact that we were raised by parents who were largely unconscious, you and I have no choice but to accept bravely, courageously, that we are to a large extent unconscious.”\nIf you and I are not willing to accept that, then there is no point in even turning the page. There’s no point in continuing this discussion. I always tell my friends, my family, my supporters that I will shout it from the mountaintops: “I am unconscious” because the first step to consciousness is becoming aware of your unconscious. So, the more aware you are of your unconsciousness, the greater you are, the closer to consciousness. So, there is no shame in accepting, acknowledging and boldly noticing and witnessing your unconsciousness. It is a sign of a courageous, it is a sign of the maverick spirit. It is the sign of the revolutionary spirit, the one who can accept that they are unconscious. Noticing the unconsciousness, as it arises in the moment – wow, that is the key.\nWhen we begin to be aware in the present moment, we begin to notice the ego and it’s emotional undertone of fear. And so when we are raised by parents who are largely unconscious, we have no choice but to understand that there are huge holes, gaps, voids in our emotional development. I, now, can pinpoint to my mother and to my father exactly how they passed on or did not pass on the lessons I need to learn, and now I have these gaps in my emotional development. But that takes courage to see. To notice – wow, I’m anxious right now and I’m anxious because I can’t tolerate this sense of powerlessness, and therefore, because I can’t tolerate it, I’m going to project it onto my child through anger, through anxiety, through fixing, through managing, through over-micro producing their life.\nTo notice that, in that moment, this is about our UN-development and NOT about the other, is key.\nThis is the key, this is the power of witnessing the unconscious energy.\nThere is only fear, at the bottom of every reaction. Even under arrogance. Even under hubris. Even under pride. Even under, dare I say, any sort of bluster, any sort of showing of, underneath there is fear. Fear of not being liked, fear of not being accepted, fear of not fitting in, fear of losing control.\nWhen you begin to identify this fear it allows you to reclaim what it is about you that is being projected on to situation and not necessarily the situation itself. It is very hard for you and I to claim that we can see reality. We can’t. We can only see our projection of reality. There is no such thing as reality, when it comes to interpersonal relationships. There is reality when it comes to this bottle of water – it’s a bottle of water. There is reality when it comes to my hair length. There is reality for the physical and the material, but there is no THE reality for inter personal relationship. Because everyone’s reality in an interpersonal relationship is shaped by the emotional energy that they carry from their childhood. So, there can never be reality. There can only be perspective. And the greater degree that you can own your perspective, you actually can control how reality turns out for you. Our problem is that because we don’t own our projection or our perception or our emotional baggage, our ego as I talked about in Session number 1, we feel like helpless victims to reality. The moment you can own it and say: “Ah, that was me. I shaped that, I colored that. That all came from my energy, wow! Now I can change that energy and I can change reality.” – Now we’re talking about manifestation. And we talk about manifestation throughout, because this book, “The Awakened Family” -is about manifesting your highest vision for your family.\nOn page 14 in this book I write about: “We don’t realize that it’s precisely our fears for our children, which we think of as concern, that are the problem with most parenting.” So, here’s the catch for us – you and I are parents. We are clouded, consumed and obsessed by parental concern. Concern is healthy. Concern can be healthy… Or …highly toxic. Which side of the line does your concern fall? You can only fall on the healthy side when you are grounded in a perpetual state of abundance. Like we’ve talked about in Session 1.\nYou and I in mass culture have been disconnected from Oneness. Because we’re cut from Oneness’ energy, Oneness’ consciousness, we are perpetually in a state of inner conflict. Because, disconnected from Oneness means that we are in the state of lack. Meaning, we look at resources in a room, emotional resources in a room, and if somebody disagrees with us, or somebody’s not working to our fantasy, we are immediately hurdled into the state of lack. You may not realize this, but we are. The minute you’re in lack, you’re in to ego, which is consumed and obsessed by the emotional energy of fear. So, parental concern has two sides – a very healthy side of being concerned, which is care and compassion, and concern can go deep, deep in to assess pool of disfunction. And you and I know how quickly concern can become anxiety, anxiety can become control, control can become threats, threats can become anger, anger can become disconnection. It happens like this. Therefore, unless you clean up the inner space by meditating, by journaling, by reading self-help books, by attending lectures, by consuming yourself, at least one fourth of your life, at least 25% of your life on self-observation, on self-growth and self-elevation, you will not be able to live in a state of abundance – why? Because culture around you will not allow you to live in a state of abundance. That’s why I call my book a revolution in parenting and I said last week – it’s not a revolution, it’s what wisdom cultures talk about all the time. I am just here to remind you that we need a revolution. And the revolution starts by walking away from the mainstream culture, because mainstream culture will pull you into eternal abyss-like scarcity. It is only wisdom traditions – elevated wisdom traditions that are non sectarian, that do not believe in just one religion over others, but are open to the oneness consciousness that is available and abundant to everyone, even if you have a religion. Then you enter deep abundance. And when you enter deep abundance, you’re hard-pressed to enter toxic concern.\nLet’s take an example: Your kid comes home with a C grade. Which side of concern will you fall into? Concern for the essence, the authentic learning, the spirit? Or concern which tips over into control, fear, micromanagement, threats, reactivity? This is the eternal choice we make, but if you don’t recognize that you’re on the precipice of this choice every day, every moment of your life, how will you be able to harness your power, your consciousness, to the go: “OK, here’s the choice – where am I going to go? Am I going to go in to abundance or am I going to go in to scarcity?” If you don’t begin swimming in this consciousness and being eternally using the muscle of oneness consciousness, you will switch so quickly into scarcity, which topples in to fear, control, reactivity, ego. This is the muscle you need to build every single day, 20 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes at the lunchtime, 20 minutes in the evening, 20 minutes at bedtime. Because mainstream culture is designed to take you out of abundance into competition and scarcity. So, you may ask: “How then do I react to a C grade? How do I stay on the good side of concern?” So, it’s like I would ask you – you come home with a bad performance evaluation from your boss, right? And you are now in a state of fear toward me, or fear of judgment. And how would you like me, a friend, a colleague, to react to your negative performance appraisal by your boss? How would you like me to react to that? Would you like me to threaten you, punish you, take away your phone, scold you, judge you and shame you? Or would you like me to work in the essence, in the elevated essence of your spirit? What does that mean? I would ask you: “Hey, what’s going on? How come? How do you feel about that? What are your thoughts about that? How can I help you? How can I support you?” You would do that so beautifully with your friends. Why, then, when your child comes home with the negative performance appraisal from school, do you tip over from healthy concern into dysfunctional concern? Why? We all know why, I’ve talked about it in every book of mine – because of that deep attachment we have with only our children and our families. It’s that deep attachment which messes us up.\nWe have to detach. We have to enter abundance. What does that mean? Don’t attach. Don’t get afraid. Don’t create internal locking knots of fear. Detach. Enter wisdom perspective. Enter witnessing. When you enter witnessing, you can then choose the right choice. Abundance or scarcity? So, just like you talk to yourself – maybe you talk to yourself in a negative way, so let’s eradicate that sentence, because most of us talk to ourselves in horribly critiquing ways. But, let’s imagine you would talking to me. Or you were talking to a friend that you respected. And they got a negative performance evaluation – how would you react to them? Well, that’s how you react to your kid. I know that’s hard to do, because when your kid comes to you, your fears rise to the surface because of that deep enmeshment, that deep attachment. Therefore, we must detach. How we’re doing?\nFrozen in Time:\nWhen we don’t understand how our past influences our future, we become frozen in time. So, this expression, and I’m sure it’s not just my expression, but it came to me during a session that I had with this client that I talk about on page 14. This was a client that came up to me and in my session, and said to me: “You know, every time I’m with my young child” – I think the child was five or six – I feel as if I am literally experiencing the same things that she’s experiencing. When she cries, I cry louder. When she’s angry, I’m more angry. When she’s hurt by a friend, I experience the same degree of hurt. What’s going on with me?” She said to me, she said: “Dr. Shefali, help me. I’m in my thirties” or the forties, but I think she was in her late thirties, hold on. Thirty-nine, she was thirty-nine years old, and this is Janet on page 14. My book, “The Awakened Family”, we’re talking about how we become frozen in time when we haven’t healed our unhealed wounds in past. So, Janet was so upset that she was falling apart and she felt that she wasn’t really being able to be a steward to her child’s development. So, I said to Janet, and I say this on page 15: “Whenever your children trigger you”, I explained, “you think you are responding to your adult self. However, you aren’t. Even though your are 39 years old, you go right back into the ways you learned to behave as a child. Reverting to the 6-year-old who had no way to speak up and assert herself. It’s as if, emotionally, you are frozen in time. So, the moment I said these words to her: “You’re frozen in time.” Janet took a pause, took a deep breath of air, I still remember the visual, and she burst into tears. And I then realized the impact of those words. “Frozen in time.” Now, when you and I react in the moment, in the present moment, as a 30-year-old or 50-year-old, or 55-year-old, it doesn’t matter what age, we truly are in a mass hypnosis almost, believing that we’re responding to the situation in front of us, right? However, the minute you have a rise in reaction, rise in tone inflection, your tone rises, your heartbeats skips a few beats, or your breath becomes accelerated, or you speak rapidly, or your cheeks get flushed, or some sort of elevation in emotional reactivity – that is a sign that you’re no longer in the present moment, but have been hijacked almost in a flight-or-fight survival response by an emotional memory that was buried, but has now come to the surface. Now, this sounds so complex, because you’re like: “Heck, I just got angry. Why does it have to be so complex?” Because present moment realities, when they are viewed simply as reality, or the as isn’t-ness of reality, often do not have the power to take us to the emotional reactivities that we end up engaging with our children. They only end up triggering us to that degree, because an unconscious emotional memory has been triggered. In Janet’s case, she talked about two instances in her childhood that shook her up at the age of six. It shook her up so much that it’s almost as if her emotional development was arrested at that time. Forever, from that moment on, she lost her oneness consciousness. She lost her power to tap in, to tune in to the Divine energy that kept her feeling powerful until then.\nAll our children come with the ability to tune in and tap in to Divine Oneness consciousness. And then, we happen to them. Us parents happen to them. And then they begin to separate from Oneness consciousness, because we react to them with so much fear and scarcity mindset, that they then begin to separate from Oneness and enter scarcity themselves. So, Janet, this client that is 39 years old, who felt like she was frozen in time, could literally pinpoint when in her past she began to lose Oneness and enter separation. Each one of us can, for the most part, pinpoint big or small pivotal turning points in our childhood, when we separated from Oneness consciousness. All of us did. Any emotional reaction which is charged is not coming from the present situation. It is coming from a past unconscious memory that has been triggered.\nOnce it gets triggered, it almost creates a flight-or-fight response in our metabolism, in our hormonal energy, which causes us to protect ourselves. Now, we can protect ourselves in one of two ways. We can either withdraw, sulk, check out, distance ourselves, hold our love as hostage. Or, we can spill over and just have no boundaries and over please, over accommodate, over rescue. Or, overreact – over punish, over yell, oversold, overcontrol. We go inward or outward. Both of them come from a flight-or-fight response, which is fear. Now, you may not notice this, because anger sounds so powerful. Hubris, arrogance, blaster, showing of, narcissism, all of this sound or look so grown up, so mature. So in control. But you and I now know, studying consciousness, that that is the reverse of consciousness. It is the highly unconscious state. When we are in a conscious state, we are in Oneness consciousness, therefore, even if our child is pissing us off and ticking us off, we know – ah, it’s not them. It’s a memory that has being awakened from my unconscious past. All that I need to look at. Oh, but thank you child, for showing that for me. When you are in Oneness consciousness, there’s no separation between you and your child. Therefore, when your child misbehaves – it is equally a mirror to you as you now need to be to them. So, when you are in Oneness consciousness, you will not say things like: “You’re lazy. How dare you? How could you? What’s wrong with you?” Or you say these things, but the you quickly remember: “Ups, where’s my Oneness consciousness?” And instead, you say things like: “I see that you’re having a hard time looking at me. I see that you’re having a hard time listening to me. I see that you’re unable to pay attention to what I’m saying. I need you to pay attention to what I’m saying. Put the phone down. Put the book down. Put the pencil down. Turn off the TV and look at me, because I respect you right now and I need you to respect me, too.” This is how Oneness consciousness looks. It takes longer, it takes presence, it takes modulation and discipline of your emotional energy. But this is how you respond in present moment awareness. When you’re frozen in time, then you just check out and you yell, you scream, you over rescue, you over please and you cripple your child’s ability to become resilient and thriving. We can only be resilient and thriving when we are in Oneness consciousness.\nPeople get confused about this, because I talk about the influence of the past, but then I say: “Be in the present.” What do I mean? This is what I mean – when we are highly engaged and attuned and awake, in the present moment – the present moment is my portal for awakening. My portal for awakening is not some memory from the past, not what my mother told me when I was 2, not an event that happened to me when I was 9, not the bully in the schoolyard when I was 13. The portal for awakening in my opinion, and learning, is only the present moment. So, what does that mean? In the present moment, if I’m triggered, if I am wounded, if I am remembering and unconscious memory from somewhere, I take a pause, I go: “Oh, it’s here, it’s here.” What is here?2 The presence of the unconsciousness. The presence of my ego. Now, I don’t need to particularly go back into past and deconstruct who said it to me, what time of day, what was she wearing, should I go back and have a conversation with them – as Western therapy exposes us to do. All I need to know – where did I feel this before?\nWe don’t need to go back all the way into our past, remember what you were wearing. We don’t need to go back and talk to the bully. We don’t need to go back and write the letter to the teacher. No. We just need to know what the issue was, and now we need to see how it’s coming up in the present moment.” The present moment is the only moment of relevance, the only moment of concern and the only moment worthy of investigation. If the present moment takes us to the past, we’ll go to the past. But we must come back to the present moment. We can’t stay in the past. We can’t delve in the past. We can’t spend years of therapy talking about people who have not been in our present over and over again. We can – but that’s not the approach that I talk about in my book. That’s solely a Western psychotherapy model. The integration of East and West means using the present moment as the gateway to say something has been stirred up. What has been stirred up? Can I get the taste of it in my past? Come back to the present moment. And being awake to the present moment is how I will heal the past. When I recognize: “Oh, it has come back up. Oh, it’s come back up. Oh, it’s come back up. Oh, it’s coming up again. My shame. My separation. My scarcity. My insecurity. My desire to fit in. Here it is again. Here it is again, I can only heal it in the present moment. How do I heal it in the present moment? By changing the choice I make. In the past I was unconscious, I made a choice to enter scarcity …”\nAs you begin to embody the right choice you need to make next time. A thousand embodiments of the right choice or a hundred or even ten, or even one, solid one, immediately heals the past. The past has no longer the control over you in the present moment.\nWe have to know, every time we are in reaction, we are being hijacked by the past. But, we don’t go to the past and live in the past for the next ten minutes, ten months, ten years. We bring ourselves back to the present moment and say: “Ah… it’s coming up in the present moment. Now is the time I get to shift course. I need to make a different choice. I need to walk the next step with the different energy. We must do this in order to create shifts, and slowly recreate so much of the shift, that we are – lo and behold – suddenly planted in an abundant sense of self and we have healed ourselves. We don’t need a therapist to heal us – you don’t need anyone to heal you. Sure, we can all help each other, and we need wisdom guides to help each other. But you have the power to heal yourself through present moment awareness.\nInstead of reacting to our children, because of what they are showing us about ourselves, the conscious response is to look into the mirror they are holding up to us, allowing ourselves to become aware of the many ways in which we still behave like children ourselves. The more immature we are emotionally, as I said in the beginning, we all have these huge emotional gaps, we want taught how to be resilient, powerful and in abundance. We constantly have gaps which creates fear, ego, reactivity, control or over-withdrawal or over-projection or over-pleasing. We have gaps and this is called emotional immaturity, gaps in our development, because of something that had happened in our past that caused us to separate from Oneness consciousness. The more immature we are emotionally, the more our children will present with complexes, insecurities and behavior problems. This is their way of saying to us: “Hey, parents! I’m here to show you that you have some growing up to do. Can you please just get on with it? So I can move on and be who I am supposed to be. I’m doing you a huge favor by showing you exactly what you need to do in order to become the mature person. The sooner you do so, the sooner I can free myself from the burden of being your mirror.” Answering the call to look into the mirror our children provide us is the hallmark of an awakened parent. So, I hope you are beginning to understand that it’s really quite simple, it’s all fear. It’s always fear, no matter how stunning it looks on the outside, how well made up, how well dressed up. If it’s an emotional reaction that’s charged, it is always fear. Now, it’s up to you to take to challenge, this next week, to notice when your fear comes up. Dare to look in the mirror. Just take that pause. Look in the mirror.",
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