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      "author": "steemitboard",
      "permlink": "steemitboard-notify-barnzorhon-20190713t232938000z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Congratulations @barnzorhon! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@barnzorhon/birthday3.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 3 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@barnzorhon) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=barnzorhon)_</sub>\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "permlink": "steemitboard-notify-barnzorhon-20170713t224508000z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Congratulations @barnzorhon! You have received a personal award!\n\n[![](https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@barnzorhon/birthday1.png)](http://steemitboard.com/@barnzorhon) Happy Birthday - 1 Year\nClick on the badge to view your own Board of Honor on SteemitBoard.\n\nFor more information about this award, click [here](https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/steemitboard-update-8-happy-birthday)\n> By upvoting this notification, you can help all Steemit users. Learn how [here](https://steemit.com/steemitboard/@steemitboard/http-i-cubeupload-com-7ciqeo-png)!",
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      "body": "Great post! Upvoted :D \n",
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      "title": "Golden Girls, The Musical -- audition tape or, Can a Middle Aged Person \"Make it\" on Steemit?",
      "body": "@@ -385,16 +385,57 @@\n  again!!\n+  Thanks Steemit for giving me an outlet!\n   Yeah!!\n",
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      "body": "@@ -361,274 +361,40 @@\n   %0A%0A\n-Tell me? Can a middle aged woman still share her love of song on stage?  Let me know if I should hang up those vocal chords!!  Don't be shy.  Please respond so I can plan the next step in this wonderful adventure called LIFE!%0A%0AThis inquiring mind honestly wants to know\n+Well.....I'm singin' again!!  Yeah!\n !\n",
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      "body": "Thanks .To vote is the 1st arow up,i think so.",
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      "permlink": "re-ivp-hello-steempeoples-time-to-introduce-my-self-20160719t152313078z",
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      "body": "Enjoyed your post so much!  Thank you for sharing.  I am new, too and still don't know how to vote!  Arghhhhh!!",
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      "author": "barnzorhon",
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      "body": "https://youtu.be/GP1MjbkTT-c\nOkay!  I get it!  I don't know how to wear or apply make up like gorgeous Tara!   And I am definitely not 20-something but, a girl can dream can't she?  After my husband passed away unexpectedly I couldn't sing anymore....Just couldn't bring myself to do so even though I loved to sing and had been classically trained (eons ago!)   \n\nTell me? Can a middle aged woman still share her love of song on stage?  Let me know if I should hang up those vocal chords!!  Don't be shy.  Please respond so I can plan the next step in this wonderful adventure called LIFE!\n\nThis inquiring mind honestly wants to know!",
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      "author": "barnzorhon",
      "permlink": "what-now-now-that-you-re-gone",
      "title": "What Now? I've got my Steemit to Keep me Warm! Introducing me.",
      "body": "You've heard the story before...husband dies and leaves his wife a healthy chunk of insurance change, the house is paid off,  so are the cars, she no longer has to work.  She works out every day to stay in shape. Lunch with the girls, church on Sunday,  plays with her grandchildren and volunteers at the local hospital every other week on Wednesdays.    She could stand to lose some weight, but then, who couldn't?\n\nFunny how life twists and turns, like a cork screw piercing your inner core.  My dearest, sweetest, most wonderful husband passed away in 2011 just six months after we moved to Pasadena, California where he had always wanted to live.  Some dastardly creature hacked off half of my body and soul that day.  Although I am a believer in everlasting life, my life, the one left behind, was devastated while he's up in heaven playing golf and strumming his harp before the Lord.  Not such a good deal!\n\nWe never thought he would go first, after all, I was the one with juvenile, type 1, insulin-dependent, brittle-therefore-difficult-to-control diabetes.   My five shots per day \"habit\" finally gave way to an insulin pump, nonetheless, diabetes is a tough life for those of us addicted to insulin or die.  My dearest made life do-able.  \n\nEveryday  he  walked, he did 200 sit ups, he read the Bible and prayed, he made me laugh, he gave me foot rubs that usually ended up leg and butt rubs, (ahem, etc.), he was solid as a rock, a gentleman in a world that doesn't act honorably much anymore.  After 31 years of marriage, he still opened the car door for me, he was funny that way, and I loved him with all my heart.  \n\nNothing prepares you for your husband talking to you one minute, telling you \"no, don't call the paramedics, I'm fine,\" then sitting on the couch with a heart attack, the next.  Nothing prepares you for seeing your husband dead on a hospital gurney; his lifeless body devoid of his soul.   He simply was not there.   Nothing prepares you for your first walk down the street alone,  vulnerable, completely raw from the shock of it.   Absolutely nothing prepares you for the first night in bed alone after so many years wrapped in his arms.\n\nSo, I cried, then I cried some more.  I prayed for strength, wisdom, fortitude, calm, peace.  My sister bought me a teddy bear to hold, knowing that my dearest's nickname was \"Bear.\"    She wrote the obituary for me and listened to my sobs.  She and her husband went with me to the funeral home along  with our son, my wonderful stepson,  my husband's sister and her doctor husband.   \n\nWe began the meeting.  My sweetheart loved classical music and I am a musician; it stood to reason we rent a piano in the little chapel.   He loved the Lord, so we needed a pastor. He loved California, so we put our heads together and decided not to transport him back to Chicago to be buried.  He loved to play golf,  we found a lovely plot overlooking the rolling hills near Pasadena.   (A lovely plot, as if it mattered to him anymore! He was already in glory!)  And then it happened, the sickening reality of life, death, and money.  \n\nYou see, my husband didn't have life insurance. We had no savings,  no house, no cars.  Between his heart condition and my diabetes, we could never 'get ahead' and most of the time, we were far behind.  Behind in our taxes, our rent, our medical bills.   I made good money as an independent recruiter, but that meant no medical insurance was available to me as a diabetic.  We didn't spend lavishly, we didn't eat out, we just lived everyday as though it were a gift from God, because it is!  We rested in the Lord's Goodness and did the best we could.  And now it was time to bury my husband and I had no money.\n\nOut went the piano, the pastor, the chapel.  I would not consider cremation.  And after  it was cut to bare bones, my dearest sister and her husband, with contributions from the other family members, paid the $21,000 it cost to bury him with a short graveside service.  My brother in law even served as the pastor and did a great job!   \n\nI actually sang at his funeral.  His  favorite hymn was \"Majesty, worship His Majesty\" and somehow, I sang it out in front of the guests because that is what he would have wanted.  When it was over, I was over.  How could I go on without him?\n\nMy sister gave me small tasks everyday, calling me from her home in the Midwest.  \"Make yourself a cup of coffee,\" or \"today you will take a shower.\"  I heard her voice through a fog,  a resounding fog horn slowly guiding me away from the rocks and safely to shore.   \"Today,\" she cajoled, \"why don't you try taking  a short walk to the corner?\"  I cried some more., But I did it.  Walking through a haze, tears rolling down my face, I walked to the corner.  Someone selling a time share called out, \"smile!\"  I kept walking.  He called out again, \"oh come on, it can't be that bad!\"  He smiled and winked at me, flirting a little.  Before I knew it I grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him toward me, angry at the poor man for no good reason.  Through clenched teeth I growled, \"I just buried my husband. Don't tell me to smile.\"  The poor man was mortified, I let go of his shirt and kept walking.  So much for grace under pressure.\n\nMy diabetes took a nose dive but I really didn't care.  Although I checked my blood sugar, stress causes extreme highs and lows.  Adding more insulin through my pump when high, and drinking orange juice through the lows kept me alive.   \n\nWhy was the sun still shining?  Why was there still traffic in the street?  Doesn't the world know it lost a great man? A man of wisdom and love?  Will the world continue to turn?   What now?\n\nMy siblings suggested my son and I attend my nephews's wedding in Atlanta, Georgia, then visit my mother and father in Wisconsin for awhile.  After all, as an independent recruiter, all I needed was my laptop and Internet connection.  Unable to think very well, I did it.   The wedding was beautiful but heart wrenching.\n\nShortly after arriving in Wisconsin, it was determined my father had pancreatic cancer.  I was asked to stay with him, and I did.  I became the hospice caretaker for a year until this amazing man died.  My mother and I watched this full of life man waste away.  As my siblings and I sang hymns about our father's bed, he passed. \n\nShortly after my father passed away, my mother was diagnosed with Louie Bodies dementia.  She had hallucinations, heard voices, saw faces in the rocks and ghosts wandering around the house.  I was asked to stay through home hospice for my mother. Another year went by with hospital trips and horrible episodes of hallucinations.  At one point, my dear, sweet loving mama grabbed a pen and threatened to stab me if I got any closer.  She passed away eleven months after my father.\n\nIs this the end of my story?  Hell no.  I'm alive and kickin.  I have my Lord,  my 'health,' my family and my friends.  My God is everything.  He will provide. He is the Alpha and Omega. He is the Author of all life.  He knows how many hairs are on my head.  He created me with love and talent and dreams that I have yet to achieve.  \n\nAlthough I studied opera in college and was very good, I couldn't sing after my sweetheart died. Finally, in 2016 I am singing again. I sing songs at independent and assisted living homes, memory care homes.  I sing so they will remember how important their lives are; that they are proud members of the Greatest Generation.  I take them on a  Sentimental Journey, remind them to Smile,  that I'll Be Loving You, Always, and that Bye Bye Blackbird is NOT about prostitutes!\n\nThank you so much for creating Steem. What an utterly fantastic gift you have given the world!\n\nAll my best,\nBarnzorhon.",
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      "author": "thecleangame",
      "permlink": "re-barnzorhon-re-thecleangame-re-barnzorhon-re-thecleangame-re-barnzorhon-what-now-now-that-you-re-gone-20160716t064643239z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "@@ -1353,17 +1353,17 @@\n thing bu\n-d\n+t\n  benefic\n",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"money\"],\"links\":[\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agglutination_%28biology%29\"]}"
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  "timestamp": "2016-07-16T06:52:36",
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      "parent_author": "barnzorhon",
      "parent_permlink": "re-thecleangame-re-barnzorhon-re-thecleangame-re-barnzorhon-what-now-now-that-you-re-gone-20160716t062331416z",
      "author": "thecleangame",
      "permlink": "re-barnzorhon-re-thecleangame-re-barnzorhon-re-thecleangame-re-barnzorhon-what-now-now-that-you-re-gone-20160716t064643239z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "You'll have to specifically ask them, I'm sure they'll do it though.\n\nAmazing, at least 75% of all the people in hospitals right now, are there due to complications from eating avoid foods. Gastrointerologists (digestion/intestine docs) don't even blood type people or really know anything about foods by blood type. Craziness.\n\nMost of the reason the btd works is because of lectins in your food. What lectins are pretty well known these days, the \"Gluten free diet\" is just wheat glutens. Glutens is short for Agglutinator, proteins that cause <a href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agglutination_%28biology%29\">agglutination</a>.\n\nThe most significant example of agglutination is the poison ricin, a tiny amount of which will cause all of your blood cells to stick to each other and the vessel walls, halting your blood flow and causing death.\n\nThe agglutinators in foods act the same way, only on a much milder level. MOST of the population is unable to handle wheat glutens, especially the whacked out strains of wheat farmers are growing today.\n\nSo, the fewer foods you eat with incompatible lectins/agglutinators for your blood type, the more energy reserves your body has for normal activities. You'll find yourself only sleeping 4-5 hours a night, regardless of your age, along with higher energy levels through out the day.\n\nWhen you're on nothing bud beneficial foods, all natural and prepared fresh, you feel like there's racing gas in your tank for the first time. :) Definitely worth pursuing at least once in your life. :D\n\nBe good to yourself!",
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      "parent_permlink": "re-barnzorhon-re-thecleangame-re-barnzorhon-what-now-now-that-you-re-gone-20160716t042042507z",
      "author": "barnzorhon",
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      "title": "",
      "body": "I hate to admit this, but I don't even know what blood type I am.  I'm due for an A1c this week, could they tell me as part of that blood draw?",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"money\"]}"
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      "parent_permlink": "re-thecleangame-re-barnzorhon-what-now-now-that-you-re-gone-20160716t032611745z",
      "author": "barnzorhon",
      "permlink": "re-baz-re-thecleangame-re-barnzorhon-what-now-now-that-you-re-gone-20160716t062140231z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Sounds like a good plan to me!  Thanks for taking the time to read my story.",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"money\"]}"
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      "author": "thecleangame",
      "permlink": "re-barnzorhon-re-thecleangame-re-barnzorhon-what-now-now-that-you-re-gone-20160716t042042507z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Most welcome. :)\n\nAs far as CBD oil products go, please be sure they have some THC. I wrote a quick note on the state of CBD oil products on the market. Worth a look. ;)\nhttps://steemit.com/hempoil/@thecleangame/considering-a-pure-cbd-product-don-t-be-fooled-why-full-plant-cannabis-extract-is-massively-more-effective\n\nBe good to yourself, you're going to love the energy from choosing the correct foods. And much more. :)",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"money\"],\"links\":[\"https://steemit.com/hempoil/@thecleangame/considering-a-pure-cbd-product-don-t-be-fooled-why-full-plant-cannabis-extract-is-massively-more-effective\"]}"
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      "author": "barnzorhon",
      "permlink": "what-now-now-that-you-re-gone",
      "title": "What Now? Now That You're Gone?",
      "body": "You've heard the story before...husband dies and leaves his wife a healthy chunk of insurance change, the house is paid off,  so are the cars, she no longer has to work.  She works out every day to stay in shape. Lunch with the girls, church on Sunday,  plays with her grandchildren and volunteers at the local hospital every other week on Wednesdays.    She could stand to lose some weight, but then, who couldn't?\n\nFunny how life twists and turns, like a cork screw piercing your inner core.  My dearest, sweetest, most wonderful husband passed away in 2011 just six months after we moved to Pasadena, California where he had always wanted to live.  Some dastardly creature hacked off half of my body and soul that day.  Although I am a believer in everlasting life, my life, the one left behind, was devastated while he's up in heaven playing golf and strumming his harp before the Lord.  Not such a good deal!\n\nWe never thought he would go first, after all, I was the one with juvenile, type 1, insulin-dependent, brittle-therefore-difficult-to-control diabetes.   My five shots per day \"habit\" finally gave way to an insulin pump, nonetheless, diabetes is a tough life for those of us addicted to insulin or die.  My dearest made life do-able.  \n\nEveryday  he  walked, he did 200 sit ups, he read the Bible and prayed, he made me laugh, he gave me foot rubs that usually ended up leg and butt rubs, (ahem, etc.), he was solid as a rock, a gentleman in a world that doesn't act honorably much anymore.  After 31 years of marriage, he still opened the car door for me, he was funny that way, and I loved him with all my heart.  \n\nNothing prepares you for your husband talking to you one minute, telling you \"no, don't call the paramedics, I'm fine,\" then sitting on the couch with a heart attack, the next.  Nothing prepares you for seeing your husband dead on a hospital gurney; his lifeless body devoid of his soul.   He simply was not there.   Nothing prepares you for your first walk down the street alone,  vulnerable, completely raw from the shock of it.   Absolutely nothing prepares you for the first night in bed alone after so many years wrapped in his arms.\n\nSo, I cried, then I cried some more.  I prayed for strength, wisdom, fortitude, calm, peace.  My sister bought me a teddy bear to hold, knowing that my dearest's nickname was \"Bear.\"    She wrote the obituary for me and listened to my sobs.  She and her husband went with me to the funeral home along  with our son, my wonderful stepson,  my husband's sister and her doctor husband.   \n\nWe began the meeting.  My sweetheart loved classical music and I am a musician; it stood to reason we rent a piano in the little chapel.   He loved the Lord, so we needed a pastor. He loved California, so we put our heads together and decided not to transport him back to Chicago to be buried.  He loved to play golf,  we found a lovely plot overlooking the rolling hills near Pasadena.   (A lovely plot, as if it mattered to him anymore! He was already in glory!)  And then it happened, the sickening reality of life, death, and money.  \n\nYou see, my husband didn't have life insurance. We had no savings,  no house, no cars.  Between his heart condition and my diabetes, we could never 'get ahead' and most of the time, we were far behind.  Behind in our taxes, our rent, our medical bills.   I made good money as an independent recruiter, but that meant no medical insurance was available to me as a diabetic.  We didn't spend lavishly, we didn't eat out, we just lived everyday as though it were a gift from God, because it is!  We rested in the Lord's Goodness and did the best we could.  And now it was time to bury my husband and I had no money.\n\nOut went the piano, the pastor, the chapel.  I would not consider cremation.  And after  it was cut to bare bones, my dearest sister and her husband, with contributions from the other family members, paid the $21,000 it cost to bury him with a short graveside service.  My brother in law even served as the pastor and did a great job!   \n\nI actually sang at his funeral.  His  favorite hymn was \"Majesty, worship His Majesty\" and somehow, I sang it out in front of the guests because that is what he would have wanted.  When it was over, I was over.  How could I go on without him?\n\nMy sister gave me small tasks everyday, calling me from her home in the Midwest.  \"Make yourself a cup of coffee,\" or \"today you will take a shower.\"  I heard her voice through a fog,  a resounding fog horn slowly guiding me away from the rocks and safely to shore.   \"Today,\" she cajoled, \"why don't you try taking  a short walk to the corner?\"  I cried some more., But I did it.  Walking through a haze, tears rolling down my face, I walked to the corner.  Someone selling a time share called out, \"smile!\"  I kept walking.  He called out again, \"oh come on, it can't be that bad!\"  He smiled and winked at me, flirting a little.  Before I knew it I grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him toward me, angry at the poor man for no good reason.  Through clenched teeth I growled, \"I just buried my husband. Don't tell me to smile.\"  The poor man was mortified, I let go of his shirt and kept walking.  So much for grace under pressure.\n\nMy diabetes took a nose dive but I really didn't care.  Although I checked my blood sugar, stress causes extreme highs and lows.  Adding more insulin through my pump when high, and drinking orange juice through the lows kept me alive.   \n\nWhy was the sun still shining?  Why was there still traffic in the street?  Doesn't the world know it lost a great man? A man of wisdom and love?  Will the world continue to turn?   What now?\n\nMy siblings suggested my son and I attend my nephews's wedding in Atlanta, Georgia, then visit my mother and father in Wisconsin for awhile.  After all, as an independent recruiter, all I needed was my laptop and Internet connection.  Unable to think very well, I did it.   The wedding was beautiful but heart wrenching.\n\nShortly after arriving in Wisconsin, it was determined my father had pancreatic cancer.  I was asked to stay with him, and I did.  I became the hospice caretaker for a year until this amazing man died.  My mother and I watched this full of life man waste away.  As my siblings and I sang hymns about our father's bed, he passed. \n\nShortly after my father passed away, my mother was diagnosed with Louie Bodies dementia.  She had hallucinations, heard voices, saw faces in the rocks and ghosts wandering around the house.  I was asked to stay through home hospice for my mother. Another year went by with hospital trips and horrible episodes of hallucinations.  At one point, my dear, sweet loving mama grabbed a pen and threatened to stab me if I got any closer.  She passed away eleven months after my father.\n\nIs this the end of my story?  Hell no.  I'm alive and kickin.  I have my Lord,  my 'health,' my family and my friends.  My God is everything.  He will provide. He is the Alpha and Omega. He is the Author of all life.  He knows how many hairs are on my head.  He created me with love and talent and dreams that I have yet to achieve.  \n\nAlthough I studied opera in college and was very good, I couldn't sing after my sweetheart died. Finally, in 2016 I am singing again. I sing songs at independent and assisted living homes, memory care homes.  I sing so they will remember how important their lives are; that they are proud members of the Greatest Generation.  I take them on a  Sentimental Journey, remind them to Smile,  that I'll Be Loving You, Always, and that Bye Bye Blackbird is NOT about prostitutes!\n\nThank you so much for creating Steem. What an utterly fantastic gift you have given the world!\n\nAll my best,\nBarnzorhon.",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"introduce\",\"yourself\",\"life\",\"death\",\"myself\",\"\",\"money\"]}"
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      "permlink": "what-now-now-that-you-re-gone",
      "title": "What Now? Now That You're Gone?",
      "body": "@@ -6308,23 +6308,17 @@\n e passed\n- away. \n+.\n  %0A%0AShort\n@@ -6797,139 +6797,8 @@\n r.%0A%0A\n-It's now 2016 and I just lost my job.  You can't make this stuff up!  I'm sure this probably sounds like fiction, but it's not.  %0A%0A\n Is t\n@@ -7131,30 +7131,8 @@\n e.  \n-What's a little rent? \n %0A%0AAl\n",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"money\",\"diabetes\",\"forward\",\"heart\",\"moving\",\"death\",\"myself\",\"rent\",\"condition\",\"life\",\"introduce\",\"on\"]}"
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      "parent_author": "thecleangame",
      "parent_permlink": "re-barnzorhon-what-now-now-that-you-re-gone-20160716t024256368z",
      "author": "barnzorhon",
      "permlink": "re-thecleangame-re-barnzorhon-what-now-now-that-you-re-gone-20160716t025612094z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "@@ -132,17 +132,17 @@\n aking cb\n-s\n+d\n  oil at \n",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"money\"]}"
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      "parent_permlink": "re-barnzorhon-what-now-now-that-you-re-gone-20160716t024256368z",
      "author": "barnzorhon",
      "permlink": "re-thecleangame-re-barnzorhon-what-now-now-that-you-re-gone-20160716t025612094z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Wow! This is my first ever post and already I have received invaluable information.  My son swears by the cannabis oil. I've been taking cbs oil at night.  I've started a whole regime of vitamins that are doing wonders. Thanks so much for the link to Choosing Your Foods by your Blood Type.",
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      "parent_permlink": "what-now-now-that-you-re-gone",
      "author": "thecleangame",
      "permlink": "re-barnzorhon-what-now-now-that-you-re-gone-20160716t024256368z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "@@ -780,18 +780,18 @@\n foods th\n-at\n+is\n  way and\n",
      "json_metadata": "{\"tags\":[\"money\"],\"links\":[\"http://www.dadamo.com/typebase4/typeindexer.htm\"]}"
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      "author": "thecleangame",
      "permlink": "re-barnzorhon-what-now-now-that-you-re-gone-20160716t024256368z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Slightly off topic, there's new'ish information that can significantly reduce your insulin usage, even though you're a type 1 diabetic.\n\nCheck out <a href=\"http://www.dadamo.com/typebase4/typeindexer.htm\">Choosing your foods by your blood type</a>.\n\nThere are diabetes superbeneficial foods for every blood type. When you cut out all artificial and heavily processed foods and stick to neutral/beneficial foods, you'll see a dramatic drop in the need for insulin.\n\nYou'll use less insulin, fewer times a day. You'll also have that \"Magic Metabolism\" that will let you drop or rise to your natural weight without effort or excercise. Seriously, no joke, my wife and I have been watching this with all blood types and several diabetics.\n\nOnce you're well adjusted to choosing your foods that way and reaping the benefits, pass the info on to other diabetics. :)  (Btw: Cannabis oil heals diabetic sores that 'doctors' are still amputating to 'fix')\n\nBe good to yourself! Sounds like you're going to be just fine. :D",
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      "author": "barnzorhon",
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      "title": "What Now? Now That You're Gone?",
      "body": "You've heard the story before...husband dies and leaves his wife a healthy chunk of insurance change, the house is paid off,  so are the cars, she no longer has to work.  She works out every day to stay in shape. Lunch with the girls, church on Sunday,  plays with her grandchildren and volunteers at the local hospital every other week on Wednesdays.    She could stand to lose some weight, but then, who couldn't?\n\nFunny how life twists and turns, like a cork screw piercing your inner core.  My dearest, sweetest, most wonderful husband passed away in 2011 just six months after we moved to Pasadena, California where he had always wanted to live.  Some dastardly creature hacked off half of my body and soul that day.  Although I am a believer in everlasting life, my life, the one left behind, was devastated while he's up in heaven playing golf and strumming his harp before the Lord.  Not such a good deal!\n\nWe never thought he would go first, after all, I was the one with juvenile, type 1, insulin-dependent, brittle-therefore-difficult-to-control diabetes.   My five shots per day \"habit\" finally gave way to an insulin pump, nonetheless, diabetes is a tough life for those of us addicted to insulin or die.  My dearest made life do-able.  \n\nEveryday  he  walked, he did 200 sit ups, he read the Bible and prayed, he made me laugh, he gave me foot rubs that usually ended up leg and butt rubs, (ahem, etc.), he was solid as a rock, a gentleman in a world that doesn't act honorably much anymore.  After 31 years of marriage, he still opened the car door for me, he was funny that way, and I loved him with all my heart.  \n\nNothing prepares you for your husband talking to you one minute, telling you \"no, don't call the paramedics, I'm fine,\" then sitting on the couch with a heart attack, the next.  Nothing prepares you for seeing your husband dead on a hospital gurney; his lifeless body devoid of his soul.   He simply was not there.   Nothing prepares you for your first walk down the street alone,  vulnerable, completely raw from the shock of it.   Absolutely nothing prepares you for the first night in bed alone after so many years wrapped in his arms.\n\nSo, I cried, then I cried some more.  I prayed for strength, wisdom, fortitude, calm, peace.  My sister bought me a teddy bear to hold, knowing that my dearest's nickname was \"Bear.\"    She wrote the obituary for me and listened to my sobs.  She and her husband went with me to the funeral home along  with our son, my wonderful stepson,  my husband's sister and her doctor husband.   \n\nWe began the meeting.  My sweetheart loved classical music and I am a musician; it stood to reason we rent a piano in the little chapel.   He loved the Lord, so we needed a pastor. He loved California, so we put our heads together and decided not to transport him back to Chicago to be buried.  He loved to play golf,  we found a lovely plot overlooking the rolling hills near Pasadena.   (A lovely plot, as if it mattered to him anymore! He was already in glory!)  And then it happened, the sickening reality of life, death, and money.  \n\nYou see, my husband didn't have life insurance. We had no savings,  no house, no cars.  Between his heart condition and my diabetes, we could never 'get ahead' and most of the time, we were far behind.  Behind in our taxes, our rent, our medical bills.   I made good money as an independent recruiter, but that meant no medical insurance was available to me as a diabetic.  We didn't spend lavishly, we didn't eat out, we just lived everyday as though it were a gift from God, because it is!  We rested in the Lord's Goodness and did the best we could.  And now it was time to bury my husband and I had no money.\n\nOut went the piano, the pastor, the chapel.  I would not consider cremation.  And after  it was cut to bare bones, my dearest sister and her husband, with contributions from the other family members, paid the $21,000 it cost to bury him with a short graveside service.  My brother in law even served as the pastor and did a great job!   \n\nI actually sang at his funeral.  His  favorite hymn was \"Majesty, worship His Majesty\" and somehow, I sang it out in front of the guests because that is what he would have wanted.  When it was over, I was over.  How could I go on without him?\n\nMy sister gave me small tasks everyday, calling me from her home in the Midwest.  \"Make yourself a cup of coffee,\" or \"today you will take a shower.\"  I heard her voice through a fog,  a resounding fog horn slowly guiding me away from the rocks and safely to shore.   \"Today,\" she cajoled, \"why don't you try taking  a short walk to the corner?\"  I cried some more., But I did it.  Walking through a haze, tears rolling down my face, I walked to the corner.  Someone selling a time share called out, \"smile!\"  I kept walking.  He called out again, \"oh come on, it can't be that bad!\"  He smiled and winked at me, flirting a little.  Before I knew it I grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him toward me, angry at the poor man for no good reason.  Through clenched teeth I growled, \"I just buried my husband. Don't tell me to smile.\"  The poor man was mortified, I let go of his shirt and kept walking.  So much for grace under pressure.\n\nMy diabetes took a nose dive but I really didn't care.  Although I checked my blood sugar, stress causes extreme highs and lows.  Adding more insulin through my pump when high, and drinking orange juice through the lows kept me alive.   \n\nWhy was the sun still shining?  Why was there still traffic in the street?  Doesn't the world know it lost a great man? A man of wisdom and love?  Will the world continue to turn?   What now?\n\nMy siblings suggested my son and I attend my nephews's wedding in Atlanta, Georgia, then visit my mother and father in Wisconsin for awhile.  After all, as an independent recruiter, all I needed was my laptop and Internet connection.  Unable to think very well, I did it.   The wedding was beautiful but heart wrenching.\n\nShortly after arriving in Wisconsin, it was determined my father had pancreatic cancer.  I was asked to stay with him, and I did.  I became the hospice caretaker for a year until this amazing man died.  My mother and I watched this full of life man waste away.  As my siblings and I sang hymns about our father's bed, he passed away.  \n\nShortly after my father passed away, my mother was diagnosed with Louie Bodies dementia.  She had hallucinations, heard voices, saw faces in the rocks and ghosts wandering around the house.  I was asked to stay through home hospice for my mother. Another year went by with hospital trips and horrible episodes of hallucinations.  At one point, my dear, sweet loving mama grabbed a pen and threatened to stab me if I got any closer.  She passed away eleven months after my father.\n\nIt's now 2016 and I just lost my job.  You can't make this stuff up!  I'm sure this probably sounds like fiction, but it's not.  \n\nIs this the end of my story?  Hell no.  I'm alive and kickin.  I have my Lord,  my 'health,' my family and my friends.  My God is everything.  He will provide. He is the Alpha and Omega. He is the Author of all life.  He knows how many hairs are on my head.  He created me with love and talent and dreams that I have yet to achieve.  What's a little rent? \n\nAlthough I studied opera in college and was very good, I couldn't sing after my sweetheart died. Finally, in 2016 I am singing again. I sing songs at independent and assisted living homes, memory care homes.  I sing so they will remember how important their lives are; that they are proud members of the Greatest Generation.  I take them on a  Sentimental Journey, remind them to Smile,  that I'll Be Loving You, Always, and that Bye Bye Blackbird is NOT about prostitutes!\n\nThank you so much for creating Steem. What an utterly fantastic gift you have given the world!\n\nAll my best,\nBarnzorhon.",
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