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      "body": "![sixpack.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmdn2tRPK1AJfGHST1ez7mmhzns8xES6HS8uYexFSew6mt/sixpack.jpg)\n\n***by Freddy J. Nager, professor of marketing communication and Founder of [Atomic Tango LLC](http://atomictango.com)...***\n\nAlthough Americans don't manufacture much anymore, we still excel at making media, and the Internet brings it to the rest of the world 24/7.\n\nOne problem: all this unfiltered Yankee content poses a linguistic challenge for people in other countries — even those fluent in English. That's because Americans also excel at screwing with the language — and I'm not just talking about our political leaders.\n\nSo I compiled 10 expressions you should know. (Note: I'm not attempting to chronicle all slang in existence. I just selected odd terms that have become so commonplace that they appear in newscasts.)\n\n**Joe Six Pack:** In America, beer often comes in bundles of six cans. It's usually the cheapest of beers, and it's easy to carry one bundle in each hand. Working class American males — many of whom are named Joe — do not quench their thirst with elitist glasses of wine, but with a couple of six packs from a convenience store. Side note: someone with well-defined abdominal muscles is said to have \"six pack abs\" because of the way they appear, but most Joe Six Packs have bellies resembling kegs from all that drinking.\n\n**Soccer Moms:** Joe Six Pack's counterpart is the Soccer Mom, who are generally middle-class white suburban women who can afford to skip work and take their kids to soccer practice in minivans or SUVs. Soccer Moms and Joe Six Packs rarely mingle outside of Republican election rallies.\n\n**Switftboat:** In the 2004 U.S. Presidential election, some military veterans who served with Senator John Kerry on Vietnam swiftboats slandered his record. Kerry failed to defend himself, and his subsequent loss is widely attributed to this \"swiftboating.\" Today it refers to any organized attack on someone's character or reputation.\n\n**-Gate:** Since Richard Nixon's Watergate scandal of 1972, many scandals have been nicknamed using a word combined with \"-gate\" such as Russiagate and Plamegate. There's no logic to this, since \"Watergate\" was just the name of the office complex that Nixon's men broke into. But logic is not part of American language — or American politics.\n\n**Drinking The Kool-Aid:** In 1978, cult leader Jim Jones persuaded 907 members of his Peoples Temple in Jonestown, Guyana to commit suicide by drinking Kool-Aid (a sweetened beverage) laced with cyanide. Kool-Aid brand managers aren't happy with this association, especially since there's no proof that the sweetened punch was actually Kool-Aid. (Pop culture can be brutally unfair.) Today, \"Drinking the Kool-Aid\" refers to believing anything anyone tells you without questioning its truthfulness. It's often associated with fans of Fox News.\n\n**Hail Mary:** In American football a \"Hail Mail\" is a play of desperation, in which a quarterback throws the ball as far as he can in slim hopes that a teammate will catch it and score a touchdown. This risky play has little chance of success, so it's associated with the prayer of the same name. The term now applies to any desperate move by a losing team, particularly in politics.\n\n**It's Not Over 'Til The Fat Lady Sings:** This old phrase refers to operas that end with a fat woman singing. Sportscasters say \"it's not over 'til the fat lady sings\" to encourage viewers to keep watching the game in case the losing team stages a comeback (perhaps with a Hail Mary). Considering that most Americans today have never seen an opera, and would have to be forced at gunpoint to attend one, this particular expression will likely soon hear fat ladies singing its own death knell.\n\n**15 Minutes of Fame:** In 1968, American artist Andy Warhol said, \"In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes.\" He was close: with YouTube, everyone is famous for approximately 3-5 minutes.\n\n**Voted Off The Island:** On the TV show \"Survivor,\" contestants live and compete on a deserted island. At the end of every episode, one contestant gets voted out by the others and sent home a loser. Oddly, this is highly entertaining. Hence, \"voted off the island\" means getting kicked out of a group or company.\n\n**Jump The Shark:** This expression also has roots in television. \"Jump The Shark\" refers to a laughably bad episode of the once-hit TV series \"Happy Days.\" In this episode, a supposedly \"cool\" character decides to water-ski over live sharks. Since this show was originally about ordinary people in the 1950s, the absurd plot signaled that the writers had officially run out of ideas. Now, whenever anyone's career declines, people speculate on the exact moment when they \"jumped the shark\" with a bad product or embarrassing act. This phrase also applies to politicians, but fortunately, not to us bloggers... yet.",
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      "body": "One of the few perks of getting an MBA — not something I'd recommend to everyone — are the trips you get take on the premise that they're \"educational.\" What they really involve is a lot of drinking and networking.\n\nOne of those trips enabled me to tour Cuba back in 2004. (Not something most Americans got to do back then.) What an amazing experience — the beauty of Old Havana, the spirit of the Cuban people, the intoxicating allure of authentic Cuban rum. Of course, I could also feel the frustrations of a creative populace living under a command-and-control economy. That said, I would love to go back.\n\nNow I'm not a photographer, but I happened to encounter a little scene in Havana and was able to take this shot. I thought I'd share it with the Steemit community, since no matter what your political leanings may be, you gotta admit that children are awesome...\n\n![Cuba Twins FJNager.JPG](https://steemitimages.com/DQmWQbAmf31ruVM5Z1kDzqXyzWqbSXKJ7cJb6dicF1vsXzL/Cuba%20Twins%20FJNager.JPG)",
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      "permlink": "do-you-hate-crowds-on-vacation-travel-counter-cyclical",
      "title": "Do You Hate Crowds On Vacation? Travel Counter-Cyclical!",
      "body": "![Katharina-Heuermann-Chicago-Bean-e1461649829878.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmYqdoagPTLEcZtR4YZXEHbz4FzKCF65mPyMFNwsMbt4cH/Katharina-Heuermann-Chicago-Bean-e1461649829878.jpg)\n\n***by Katharina Heuermann, Founder of the German travel agency [Destination-K!](http://destination-k.de/) + Atomic Tango contributing writer...***\n\nSummer is here and you know what that means for us travelers: full airplanes, jammed roads, packed hotels, and not much fun.\n\nThe solution is obvious: counter-cyclical travel — that is, traveling out of season.Here’s why…\n\n**1. You can save some serious money on vacations.**\n\nProbably the most important reason to travel against the usual travel calendar is that flight prices and hotel rates drop drastically.\n\nHere’s a jaw dropping example: I found a non-stop, round-trip flight from L.A. to Chicago in January for only $189, including all taxes. Luck? Not at all!\n\nHere’s another: fly to Europe around November, and you can pay as little as $700 instead of the usual $1400.\n\nLow season is when hotels and airlines get desperate. With fixed costs, they try everything to cover as much as possible (translation: your chance to save even bigger bucks).\n\nLooking at the opposite hemisphere is always a good idea (I’m talking North and South, of course). When we’re sweating high temperatures, the other half of the globe is chilling (depending on topography, of course).\n\nLet’s look at South Africa. Our summer is their winter. A little bit of freeze at night won’t stop me from checking their rates and connections, and chances are I can get a good deal. So if you don’t mind cuddling up at night (and who does when you’re with the right person?), schedule your South African safari when it’s summer in America.\n\n**2. Best travel pictures ever.**\n\n![Winter-Desert.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmfYrDSoUd2qszhAHExguW7NcxQyvMWUcFFHj2GCT7LJkB/Winter-Desert.jpg)\n\nForget waiting behind a hundred other photographers to get the (hopefully) picture-perfect second with the famous sightseeing spot.\n\nIf you want to shoot the Chicago Bean, try snowy January and you get the whole morning to yourself — picture perfection guaranteed.\n\nLake Powell in February? All yours!\n\nAnd where are those 200 buses driving through the Monument Valley in summer? That’s right — taking a break until high season hits again.\n\nThose are your Instagram moments of fame right there! Fewer people, less money, same view… if not even a better one.\n\n**3. You choose when it comes to hotel rooms!**\n\nHaving trouble finding your perfect hotel room during high season? And if you find one, it exceeds your budget? Been there, suffered that.\n\nAs with pictures, in the off-season you have a variety of rooms right in front of you and all for yourself. Always wanted a good deal for a fancy hotel in Seattle? Try winter. Take an umbrella and warm clothes, but daaarn these rates are good. And available. Maybe even ask for an upgrade — chances are high that not all rooms are booked. ;-)\n\n**Departing Thoughts…**\n\nI know it’s not always possible to travel off the calendar, especially with kids. And above all, safety always comes first — I inform my clients about Mother Nature’s seasonal wonders (hurricanes, tornadoes, monsoons).\n\nEven when safe, counter-cyclical travel means putting up with imperfect weather conditions. I understand that everything feels better in sunshine, shorts, and flip flops — I love the sun as much as you do! — but doesn’t the Chicago Bean half covered in snow somehow seem more interesting than yet another sunny shiny bean?\n\nBe open to seasonal experimentation and, trust me, you’ll have an entirely new travel experience. Expect the unexpected — in a great way!",
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      "title": "Stupid Job Ad: The 24/7 Renaissance Social Media Manager",
      "body": "![jobs.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQmXLHoN2zTzqQSKMqMH3E1FTPcxkZB1Ys87C3k2Po4czgq/jobs.jpg)\n\n***by Freddy J. Nager, Founder of [Atomic Tango](http://atomictango.com)...***\n\nI keep my eyes open for job openings that I can pass on to my students, but too often I encounter ads that get my eyes rolling. The job requirements are so excessive and irrational, not even a combo of Chuck Norris and the Dos Equis Man could fulfill them.\n\nSo I decided to critically evaluate a real example of what we management analysts call a \"Stupid Job Ad.\" I changed the name of the company to protect the poor HR drone who likely had to take dictation from a dipstick senior manager or a committee of dipstick senior managers.\n\nToday's Stupid Job Ad comes from a company that I've renamed Total Buffoonery Inc. The text from the ad appear in *italics*. My comments appear in **bold.**\n\n*Social Media Manager\nDevelop and manage social media campaigns on Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, Pinterest, Instagram and other social platforms (as necessary) for Total Buffoonery Inc. in downtown Los Angeles.*\n\n**Cool. Tell me more...**\n\n*Total Buffoonery Inc. houses the gift and home furnishing wholesale industry; under new ownership, we are undergoing a major rebranding and will be reaching out to and growing new audiences. The Social Media Manager will be a key member of our team, responsible for strategically developing our digital community and managing the online reputation of the new Total Buffoonery Inc.*\n\n**Absolutely. The high level of responsibility is certainly appealing.**\n\n*You will also be front of house for the entire building, working from the lobby, helping guests use our online registration kiosk as necessary, and interacting with all visitors to the building.*\n\n**Uh, wait, you want your social media manager to be the receptionist, too? And they don't get an office?**\n\n*We seek an enthusiastic, self-motivated team member with exceptional communication skills to be our \"eyes and ears,\" and join our hard-working, entrepreneurial team.\nResponsibilities include:\n• Create engaging and interactive content\n• Assist in tracking effectiveness of marketing campaigns and gathering data for weekly marketing reports\n• Develop and execute an overarching digital media strategy that can advance the new brand while servicing the social media needs of the Gift and Home, Conferences & Events, Creative Office, and Programming divisions.\n• Support custom / ad hoc external and internal special projects\n• Create, seasonal and ad-hoc global digital, social media and mobile strategies\n• Optimize current and future strategies based on analysis of weekly/monthly/ quarterly digital and social data.\n• Ongoing research, evaluation and knowledge of emerging social technologies, properties, and platforms\n• Design, develop, and deliver marketing collateral & PR*\n\n**The first seven bullet points make perfect sense. But developing collateral and PR — PR?! — are completely different skill sets. Someone with a marketing degree could possibly do all the above, but good public relations requires a significant investment of time into building media relationships. Then again, I suppose they could do that between helping guests use the online registration kiosk.**\n\n*Qualifications\nThe ideal candidate will have digital media planning & buying experience,*\n\n**Media buying is a profession unto itself, requiring strong quantitative, strategic, and negotiation skills. But alright.**\n\n*exceptional interpersonal, analytical, and writing skills, with the ability to make clear, concise, and visually compelling presentations.*\n\n**So now your media buyer/receptionist must also have EXCEPTIONAL analytical AND writing skills — and be a killer presenter on top of all that. Where does the social media part come in?**\n\n*Must have a strong understanding of the digital space and its marketing potential.*\n\n**Ah, there it is!**\n\n*Should have an interest in design, merchandising, tech, arts programming, conferences, and events.*\n\n**Is that all? That shouldn't be hard finding a receptionist/media-buyer/PR person interested in design, tech, and conferences. I predict a lot of lying in the forthcoming job interview.**\n\n*Must be a highly motivated, friendly, enthusiastic, detail-oriented individual who lives and breathes digital media. Understands that social media doesn't completely end on weekends and holidays and is comfortable making sure your schedule accommodates the demands of the highly connected world we live in.*\n\n**So now you want this person to work on holidays and weekends, too. Guess how long that \"highly motivated, friendly, enthusiastic\" vibe will last?**\n\n*Bachelors degree (preferably in English, Marketing, Business, Computer Science or a related field.)*\n\n**How about Acting? Because whomever you hire will have to pretend to fit all the parts you want them to play.**\n\n*Intelligent, affable, entrepreneurial type with strong interpersonal skills & work ethic, comfortable in a start-up environment.*\n\n**Start-up environment = no in-house support or budget to hire help.**\n\n*Excellent writing, editing and visual communication skills.*\n\n**'Cause the world is filled with people who EXCEL in BOTH writing and design. I hear my writer and designer colleagues laughing.**\n\n*1-2 years of digital, social and mobile strategy for major brand(s), preferably at an agency or at a brand.*\n\n**Mobile? You want mobile strategy experience for major brands, too?**\n\n*A proven track record of successfully strategized and executed digital, social and mobile projects that drive business results through innovation.*\n\n**So on top of being an analyst, a receptionist, a writer, a designer, a presenter, and a strategist, you expect this person to be an innovator who has made money for major brands. News for you: that person just got $1 million from a VC to start their own company.**\n\n*Considered a thought leader by the industry, past companies/clients, and/or peers.*\n\n**An industry thought leader? You mean someone who speaks at conferences and has a hit blog and Twitter account after just 1-2 years of experience? Update my comment above: that person just got $10 million from a VC to start their own company.**\n\n*Experience with social analytics tools like Radian6, Facebook Insights, Kred to feed and analyze data against marketing and business objectives.*\n\n**Sure, why not throw in data analysis? Because most creative, strategic thought leaders who make good presenters also excel at analyzing data while sitting at a reception desk and managing multiple social media platforms including Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and others as necessary. You weren't kidding when you said they'd have to work holidays and weekends.**\n\n*High competency level in MS Office products; demonstrated advanced skills in Photoshop, Illustrator, WordPress and, HTML.*\n\n**And you want them to be an illustrator and programmer with ADVANCED skills, too. You left out, \"Ability to whip up a mean crème brulee.\"**\n\n*Ability to lead projects independently from start to finish, working with internal and external teams to make decisions and maintain forward momentum*\n\n**Be independent! And a leader! And a team player!**\n\n*In-depth understanding of digital advertising landscape from either media planning or sales planner perspective*\n\n**Media planning and sales planning are completely different skills. But I suppose your new hire can develop those skills when not performing as an independent team player working the lobby and being a thought leader on their personal holidays.**\n\n*Excellent time management / project management skills, with ability to manage detail work and communicate project status effectively to all levels*\n\n**Managing project details while reporting to multiple layers of bureaucracy is exactly what successful, innovative thought leaders love to do, right?**\n\n*This is a full-time position with a 3-month trial period.*\n\n**So in just 90 days, after they demonstrate that no human being can possibly excel at all the above, you'll fire them without any severance pay. Nice!**\n\n*Compensation depends on experience.*\n\n**The job warrants at least $200,000/year, but given that you're asking for only 1-2 years experience, I'm guessing you budgeted sub-$50,000. After all, it's only social media.**\n\n*If you would like to join our team please send your resume and cover letter in one document with salary history, three writing samples, a sample analytical presentation, and links to your own digital media platforms to email address at Total Buffoonery Inc with Social Media Manager in the subject.*\n\n**After asking for Superman/Wonder Woman, you want to see a salary history based on 1-2 years experience. Can you say \"low ball offer\"?**\n\nIn all honesty, this is a requirements listing for hiring an agency, not a human being. Is that renaissance person out there? Possibly – I've had amazing students who might fit this bill... if they decided to forgo sleep and any possibility of having a personal life. Even then, I'd recommend that they create their own business plan and launch their own start-up rather than work for these dipsticks.\n\nIn all probability, Total Buffoonery Inc will hire a jack-of-all-trades/master-of-none who gives good interviews, then proceeds to falter at one or more expectations. (Perhaps after they blow up at some visitor in the lobby who asks for directions to the Staples Center while they're in the middle of designing a presentation to senior management and responding to Facebook comments and creating an ad hoc strategic plan for media buying on mobile platforms in the art conference industry.)\n\nAnd people wonder why it's so hard finding good talent in America. If these are the high-skills/high-paying jobs that technology is bringing us, working as a bartender suddenly sounds a lot more appealing.",
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      "author": "atomictango",
      "permlink": "when-the-s-usd-hits-the-flan-or-why-so-many-science-fiction-tv-series-crash-and-burn",
      "title": "When The S%$! Hits The Flan (Or Why So Many Science Fiction TV Series Crash And Burn)",
      "body": "![1280px-US_Navy_020712-N-5471P-010_EOD_teams_detonate_expired_ordnance_in_the_Kuwaiti_desert.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQma4eXZh78v2auR6sHE4qePhvtG39gKBuNWfudvDymv9E1/1280px-US_Navy_020712-N-5471P-010_EOD_teams_detonate_expired_ordnance_in_the_Kuwaiti_desert.jpg)\n\n***by Freddy J. Nager, Founder of [Atomic Tango](http://atomictango.com) + Former TV Show Peon...***\n\n*I originally wrote this story a few years back when one of my favorite scifi series was unceremoniously axed by a network. (See if you can guess which series that was.) I then read multiple confessions by showrunners (the top guns on TV series), including [this epic rant by Josh Friedman](http://hucksblog.blogspot.com/2009/06/boy-in-bubble.html), who created \"Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.\" Having worked in television as a lowly writers assistant (\"you can type, but you can't speak\"), I saw all the shenanigans that go into creating and destroying series. So I decided to share my version of what it's like inside the fortresses we in Los Angeles call studios...*\n\nWelcome to the world of scifi television, an incestuous mélange with more tortured plot twists than the series themselves. It all reminds me of \"Blade Runner,\" the 1982 cult classic scifi flick in which genetically manufactured beings are born beautiful then gradually turn bad before their makers finally have to kill them off. If that isn't a metaphor for the television business, what is?\n\nAs a public service, I conducted some undercover anthropological observations of what actually goes on in the production office of a scifi series. Disguised as a water cooler, I recorded the following conversations over the course of three years...\n\n**\"Neon Grasshopper\"**\n\n**Location:** Office of Bob Bobstein, the showrunner of the series \"Neon Grasshopper.\" (Note: names have been changed to protect the guilty and my future Hollywood career — if any.)\n\n**Pilot Season**\n\n**Receptionist:** Hey Bob, there's a writer here to see you.\n**Bobstein:** A writer? Send him in — but uh, spray him with some Fabreze first.\n**Writer** (entering): They say you showrunner.\n**Bobstein:** I am. I have this unique vision of the future that's completely original with influences from \"Star Wars,\" \"Blade Runner,\" the first two \"Terminator\" flicks, \"Star Trek\" season three, and an episode of \"I Love Lucy.\"\n**Writer:** Sounds... well, it sounds...\n**Bobstein:** Yes?\n**Writer:** Sounds better than what I'm doing now. If I have to pour one more venti latte extra hot with room...\n**Bobstein:** You're hired. I've got 22 episode outlines that I've been developing since college, and they need to be fleshed out ASAP.\n**Writer:** Why didn't you write them out?\n**Bobstein:** I'm a former corporate attorney. I can't write anything without a footnote and three subordinate clauses.\n**Writer:** Ah. Nice to see cream rise to the top.\n**Bobstein:** On that note, I could use a latte. And make sure it's still hot when it gets here.\n\n**Season 1**\n\n**Bobstein:** \"Neon Grasshopper\" has been picked up! Granted, it's on NSN, not exactly my first choice for a sci-fi series.\n**Writer:** What's NSN?\n**Bobstein:** The Nugatory Sports Network, which is pretty much all professional curling all the time, but we won't disparage them around here. From now on, we refer to them as \"Daddy.\"\n**Receptionist:** Hey Bob, there's a network executive here to see you.\n**Bobstein:** Network executive? Send him in — but uh, warn the women.\n**Receptionist:** Too late.\n**Network Exec** (entering): Hi Bob. Congrats on becoming part of the NSN line-up. We plan to run your show during halftime of the Ivy League ultimate frisbee game of the week.\n**Bobstein:** Ha ha, that's funny!\n**Network Exec:** What is?\n**Bobstein:** Halftime of the Ivy League — oh, you weren't joking, were you?\n**Network Exec:** I'm a network exec. A sense of humor would disqualify me from my job. Anyway, I have a few notes for you...\n**Bobstein:** Notes already? All we've done is the pilot.\n**Network Exec:** Better late than never. And about that pilot — we're thinking we'll air that in week ten of your series.\n**Bobstein:** Week ten?! But the pilot sets up the entire premise and introduces all the characters.\n**Network Exec:** So? The problem, Bob, is that your pilot runs for two hours, and today's viewers can't concentrate for that long.\n**Writer:** They do in the movie theaters.\n**Network Exec:** Who's this guy?\n**Bobstein:** My senior writer. Don't worry, he'll never speak again. And I'll make sure of that physically.\n**Network Exec:** Well, movies don't have commercials. At least, not obvious ones. We can't have your content cutting into the commercials, so we'll run your pilot between blender infomericals.\n**Bobstein:** I hate when people call my creative work \"content,\" like it's something that comes in an oatmeal box.\n**Network Exec:** By the way, Bob, how many episodes am I paying for?\n**Bobstein:** 22 — and it's the best content you've ever tasted.\n**Network Exec:** Great. I'm gonna love developing \"Neon Cockroach\" with you.\n**Bobstein:** That's \"Neon Grasshopper.\"\n**Network Exec** (exiting): A bug's a bug.\n**Writer:** You think Starbucks will give me my job back?\n\n**Season 2**\n\n**Bobstein:** Great news! Despite all obstacles, we've been renewed!\n**Writer:** That's amazing, considering our ratings.\n**Bobstein:** Actually, we scored the second highest ratings ever for a scifi series whose episodes were shown out of order.\n**Writer:** Of course, the Golden Globe Award helped.\n**Bobstein:** Good ol' Hollywood Foreign \"Press\"! For free booze and photos with a celeb, they'd give Dick Cheney a \"Best Comedic Actor\" award.\n**Writer:** He is pretty funny.\n**Bobstein:** I'm just encouraged by the faith the network has in my vision.\n**Writer:** And your ability to cast the network exec's second mistress in a starring role.\n**Bobstein:** Don't forget scoring him dates with the entire cast of \"Planet of Bikini-Clad Cannibals.\"\n**Writer:** You've got some mad skills, Bobster... Oh frak!\n**Bobstein:** What's the problem?\n**Writer:** I just realized that I used up all the ideas I've cultivated over my entire life in the first season.\n**Bobstein:** Not a problem. Every week, we'll just introduce quirky new characters played by rapidly sinking former B-list celebrities. What could we have Michael Richards play?\n**Writer:** How about a man who's a racial minority everywhere he goes, even when he's alone?\n**Bobstein:** Great idea! And then we'll have him lynch himself!\n**Writer:** Of course, all these minor characters would be a serious digression from our storyline...\n**Both:** Ha ha ha... \"storyline\"... ha ha ha...\n**Bobstein:** We'll also throw in some flashback sequences and entire episodes devoted to how the characters came to be who they are.\n**Writer:** Audiences eat that back-story stuff up.\n**Receptionist:** Gentlemen, the network exec is here.\n**Bobstein:** I thought you got a restraining order?\n**Receptionist:** That was just for myself. You're S.O.L.\n**Network Exec** (entering): Congrats, Bob. Despite all my best efforts to destroy \"Neon Weevil,\" you still managed better ratings than all our other programming put together.\n**Bobstein:** You know, I never understood why you'd try to destroy a program that you paid for.\n**Network Exec:** Internal politics, Bob. Better if you stay out of it. Off the record, I hate the VP of Programming.\n**Bobstein:** Aren't you the VP of Programming?\n**Network Exec:** Yes, and I hate my guts. Alright, I'm keeping you all from jerking — I mean working. (He exits.)\n**Writer:** Good thing I'm getting paid six figures.\n**Network Exec** (returning): Oh, did I mention the across-the-board pay cuts?\n\n**Season 3**\n\n**Bobstein:** Great news, everyone! We've been renewed for another season! Uh, everyone? Everyone? Where's my writer? Oh writer... Hey, you, uh, what's your name receptionist, where'd my writer go?\n**Receptionist:** He got his own show. \"Xenon Cricket.\"\n**Bobstein:** Let me guess: the total lack of originality smells like Fox.\n**Receptionist:** Bingo.\n**Bobstein:** Damn. I forgot that every successful series loses its best writers, who get shows of their own, thus sending the original series into an embarrassing death spiral. So who's my writer now?\n**Receptionist:** You're looking at her.\n**Bobstein:** Oh, right, you've done your servitude. But what makes you think you can write for television?\n**Receptionist:** A deaf-mute spider monkey could write for TV as long as he pays his dues.\n**Bobstein:** I'm not deaf!\n**Receptionist:** Plus, I have a masters degree in screenwriting.\n**Bobstein:** So do the valets at the Ivy.\n**Receptionist:** I'm dating the network exec.\n**Bobstein:** Dammit. This place feels like a dog park — everyone's got a leg up on me.\n**Receptionist:** By the way, Jerry says —\n**Bobstein:** Who's Jerry?\n**Receptionist:** The network exec.\n**Bobstein:** He's got a human name?\n**Receptionist:** Jerry says that the ratings are starting to decline, and we're still struggling to attract female viewers —\n**Bobstein:** We're on a sports network!\n**Receptionist:** — so we need to pump up the romance.\n**Bobstein:** Romance? That's not what \"Neon Grasshopper\" is about!\n**Receptionist:** It is now. And that means characters who would have nothing to do with each other in real life —\n**Bobstein:** — will now hop into bed together.\n**Receptionist:** Speaking of illogic and discontinuity, to make room for the contrived and saccharine soap-operatic mush, we'll have to drop all the subplots and meta-themes you've been developing.\n**Bobstein:** Illogic and discontinuity? Sounds perfect for a woman.\n**Receptionist:** Great. I'll get to work. And my lawyer will call your lawyer about your last statement, unless you can say \"Ms. Executive Producer.\"\n**Bobstein:** \"Ms. Executive Producer.\"\n**Receptionist:** I love this town.\n\n**Post Season 3**\n\n**Bobstein:** Hello? Hello? Where did everyone go?\n**Network Exec:** Hey, Bob. Glad I caught you before I canceled you.\n**Bobstein:** You're canceling me? Why?\n**Network Exec:** Your ratings actually fell below those of the Connecticut State Lawn Bowling Championship and an infomercial for tongue scrapers.\n**Bobstein:** What about my rabid fanbase of hardcore scifi convention goers?\n**Network Exec:** Well, their email campaign to save the show was cute — I'm billing you for the crashed servers, by the way — but unless these geeks can clone themselves in about, oh, five minutes, their numbers wouldn't support a lemonade stand.\n**Bobstein:** You can't cancel me: I ended the season with a cliffhanger!\n**Network Exec:** Who doesn't end their season with a cliffhanger? Freakin' \"Two and a Half Men\" ends with cliffhangers: \"Will Charlie get back together with his ex?\"\n**Bobstein:** Hey, that was my cliffhanger, too.\n**Network Exec:** What a vision, Bob. Your show is set 500 years in the future and people still can't get over their relationship hang-ups. What, we don't have VR sex by then?\n**Bobstein:** You're the one who wanted more romance.\n**Network Exec:** I was chatting up your receptionist, not giving you notes.\n**Bobstein:** My own assistant deceived me!\n**Network Exec:** You're surprised? Were you ever really a corporate lawyer?\n**Bobstein:** Well, at least now I have time to develop \"Neon Grasshopper\" into a movie.\n**Network Exec:** Sorry, no can do. We own all the rights.\n**Bobstein:** Son of a — Wait, does that mean you're developing the \"Neon Grasshopper\" movie?\n**Network Exec:** C'mon, Bob, do you think we would let a hot scifi brand with a media-savvy fanbase just sit there completely ignored?\n**Bobstein:** Would you?\n**Network Exec:** Why, yes, yes we would.\n**Bobstein:** So it's really all over...\n**Network Exec:** Wake up, Bob. Time to die.\n**Bobstein:** You — you're inhuman. You're like an android, a replicant!\n**Network Exec:** Hate to break this to you, Bob, but so are you.\n**Bobstein:** I am?\n**Network Exec:** Bob, didn't you notice that you haven't had an original idea since Clinton was boffing interns in the Oval Office? Even then, most of your ideas were implants.\n**Bobstein:** Implants?\n**Network Exec:** Yeah, we found some inker at Marvel Comics and lifted his entire memory. We installed all his ideas into you, then we wiped his entire slate clean so there wouldn't be any trouble.\n**Bobstein:** That poor kid! What's he doing now?\n**Network Exec:** He's my boss. And I have drinks with him in half an hour.\n**Bobstein:** Um, before you go, did I mention that I've got an idea for another series?\n**Network Exec:** You do? What's it about?\n**Bobstein:** A network executive gets stranded on a deserted island with a group of sexy dental hygienists. I call it \"Flossed.\"\n**Network Exec:** I like it! It's so derivative, yet gratuitously offbeat! I gotta get it before Fox does. Walk me to my Porsche — you may be onto something...\n\n*Fade to black. Roll credits. Call my agent.*",
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      "author": "atomictango",
      "permlink": "when-the-s-usd-hits-the-flan-or-why-so-many-science-fiction-tv-series-crash-and-burn",
      "title": "When The S%$! Hits The Flan (Or Why So Many Science Fiction TV Series Crash And Burn)",
      "body": "![1280px-US_Navy_020712-N-5471P-010_EOD_teams_detonate_expired_ordnance_in_the_Kuwaiti_desert.jpg](https://steemitimages.com/DQma4eXZh78v2auR6sHE4qePhvtG39gKBuNWfudvDymv9E1/1280px-US_Navy_020712-N-5471P-010_EOD_teams_detonate_expired_ordnance_in_the_Kuwaiti_desert.jpg)\n\n***by Freddy J. Nager, Founder of [Atomic Tango](http://atomictango.com) + Former TV Show Peon...***\n\n*I originally wrote this story a few years back when one of my favorite scifi series was unceremoniously axed by a network. (See if you can guess which series that was.) I then read multiple confessions by showrunners (the top guns on TV series), including [this epic rant by Josh Friedman](http://hucksblog.blogspot.com/2009/06/boy-in-bubble.html), who created \"Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.\" Having worked in television as a lowly writers assistant (\"you can type, but you can't speak\"), I saw all the shenanigans that go into creating and destroying series. So I decided to share my version of what it's like inside the fortresses we in Los Angeles call studios...*\n\nWelcome to the world of scifi television, an incestuous mélange with more tortured plot twists than the series themselves. It all reminds me of \"Blade Runner,\" the 1982 cult classic scifi flick in which genetically manufactured beings are born beautiful then gradually turn bad before their makers finally have to kill them off. If that isn't a metaphor for the television business, what is?\n\nAs a public service, I conducted some undercover anthropological observations of what actually goes on in the production office of a scifi series. Disguised as a water cooler, I recorded the following conversations over the course of three years...\n\n**\"Neon Grasshopper\"**\n\n**Location:** Office of Bob Bobstein, the showrunner of the series \"Neon Grasshopper.\" (Note: names have been changed to protect the guilty and my future Hollywood career — if any.)\n\n**Pilot Season**\n\n**Receptionist:** Hey Bob, there's a writer here to see you.\n**Bobstein:** A writer? Send him in — but uh, spray him with some Fabreze first.\n**Writer** (entering): They say you showrunner.\n**Bobstein:** I am. I have this unique vision of the future that's completely original with influences from \"Star Wars,\" \"Blade Runner,\" the first two \"Terminator\" flicks, \"Star Trek\" season three, and an episode of \"I Love Lucy.\"\n**Writer:** Sounds... well, it sounds...\n**Bobstein:** Yes?\n**Writer:** Sounds better than what I'm doing now. If I have to pour one more venti latte extra hot with room...\n**Bobstein:** You're hired. I've got 22 episode outlines that I've been developing since college, and they need to be fleshed out ASAP.\n**Writer:** Why didn't you write them out?\n**Bobstein:** I'm a former corporate attorney. I can't write anything without a footnote and three subordinate clauses.\n**Writer:** Ah. Nice to see cream rise to the top.\n**Bobstein:** On that note, I could use a latte. And make sure it's still hot when it gets here.\n\n**Season 1**\n\n**Bobstein:** \"Neon Grasshopper\" has been picked up! Granted, it's on NSN, not exactly my first choice for a sci-fi series.\n**Writer:** What's NSN?\n**Bobstein:** The Nugatory Sports Network, which is pretty much all professional curling all the time, but we won't disparage them around here. From now on, we refer to them as \"Daddy.\"\n**Receptionist:** Hey Bob, there's a network executive here to see you.\n**Bobstein:** Network executive? Send him in — but uh, warn the women.\n**Receptionist:** Too late.\n**Network Exec** (entering): Hi Bob. Congrats on becoming part of the NSN line-up. We plan to run your show during halftime of the Ivy League ultimate frisbee game of the week.\n**Bobstein:** Ha ha, that's funny!\n**Network Exec:** What is?\n**Bobstein:** Halftime of the Ivy League — oh, you weren't joking, were you?\n**Network Exec:** I'm a network exec. A sense of humor would disqualify me from my job. Anyway, I have a few notes for you...\n**Bobstein:** Notes already? All we've done is the pilot.\n**Network Exec:** Better late than never. And about that pilot — we're thinking we'll air that in week ten of your series.\n**Bobstein:** Week ten?! But the pilot sets up the entire premise and introduces all the characters.\n**Network Exec:** So? The problem, Bob, is that your pilot runs for two hours, and today's viewers can't concentrate for that long.\n**Writer:** They do in the movie theaters.\n**Network Exec:** Who's this guy?\n**Bobstein:** My senior writer. Don't worry, he'll never speak again. And I'll make sure of that physically.\n**Network Exec:** Well, movies don't have commercials. At least, not obvious ones. We can't have your content cutting into the commercials, so we'll run your pilot between blender infomericals.\n**Bobstein:** I hate when people call my creative work \"content,\" like it's something that comes in an oatmeal box.\n**Network Exec:** By the way, Bob, how many episodes am I paying for?\n**Bobstein:** 22 — and it's the best content you've ever tasted.\n**Network Exec:** Great. I'm gonna love developing \"Neon Cockroach\" with you.\n**Bobstein:** That's \"Neon Grasshopper.\"\n**Network Exec** (exiting): A bug's a bug.\n**Writer:** You think Starbucks will give me my job back?\n\n**Season 2**\n\n**Bobstein:** Great news! Despite all obstacles, we've been renewed!\n**Writer:** That's amazing, considering our ratings.\n**Bobstein:** Actually, we scored the second highest ratings ever for a scifi series whose episodes were shown out of order.\n**Writer:** Of course, the Golden Globe Award helped.\n**Bobstein:** Good ol' Hollywood Foreign \"Press\"! For free booze and photos with a celeb, they'd give Dick Cheney a \"Best Comedic Actor\" award.\n**Writer:** He is pretty funny.\n**Bobstein:** I'm just encouraged by the faith the network has in my vision.\n**Writer:** And your ability to cast the network exec's second mistress in a starring role.\n**Bobstein:** Don't forget scoring him dates with the entire cast of \"Planet of Bikini-Clad Cannibals.\"\n**Writer:** You've got some mad skills, Bobster... Oh frak!\n**Bobstein:** What's the problem?\n**Writer:** I just realized that I used up all the ideas I've cultivated over my entire life in the first season.\n**Bobstein:** Not a problem. Every week, we'll just introduce quirky new characters played by rapidly sinking former B-list celebrities. What could we have Michael Richards play?\n**Writer:** How about a man who's a racial minority everywhere he goes, even when he's alone?\n**Bobstein:** Great idea! And then we'll have him lynch himself!\n**Writer:** Of course, all these minor characters would be a serious digression from our storyline...\n**Both:** Ha ha ha... \"storyline\"... ha ha ha...\n**Bobstein:** We'll also throw in some flashback sequences and entire episodes devoted to how the characters came to be who they are.\n**Writer:** Audiences eat that back-story stuff up.\n**Receptionist:** Gentlemen, the network exec is here.\n**Bobstein:** I thought you got a restraining order?\n**Receptionist:** That was just for myself. You're S.O.L.\n**Network Exec** (entering): Congrats, Bob. Despite all my best efforts to destroy \"Neon Weevil,\" you still managed better ratings than all our other programming put together.\n**Bobstein:** You know, I never understood why you'd try to destroy a program that you paid for.\n**Network Exec:** Internal politics, Bob. Better if you stay out of it. Off the record, I hate the VP of Programming.\n**Bobstein:** Aren't you the VP of Programming?\n**Network Exec:** Yes, and I hate my guts. Alright, I'm keeping you all from jerking — I mean working. (He exits.)\n**Writer:** Good thing I'm getting paid six figures.\n**Network Exec** (returning): Oh, did I mention the across-the-board pay cuts?\n\n**Season 3**\n\n**Bobstein:** Great news, everyone! We've been renewed for another season! Uh, everyone? Everyone? Where's my writer? Oh writer... Hey, you, uh, what's your name receptionist, where'd my writer go?\n**Receptionist:** He got his own show. \"Xenon Cricket.\"\n**Bobstein:** Let me guess: the total lack of originality smells like Fox.\n**Receptionist:** Bingo.\n**Bobstein:** Damn. I forgot that every successful series loses its best writers, who get shows of their own, thus sending the original series into an embarrassing death spiral. So who's my writer now?\n**Receptionist:** You're looking at her.\n**Bobstein:** Oh, right, you've done your servitude. But what makes you think you can write for television?\n**Receptionist:** A deaf-mute spider monkey could write for TV as long as he pays his dues.\n**Bobstein:** I'm not deaf!\n**Receptionist:** Plus, I have a masters degree in screenwriting.\n**Bobstein:** So do the valets at the Ivy.\n**Receptionist:** I'm dating the network exec.\n**Bobstein:** Dammit. This place feels like a dog park — everyone's got a leg up on me.\n**Receptionist:** By the way, Jerry says —\n**Bobstein:** Who's Jerry?\n**Receptionist:** The network exec.\n**Bobstein:** He's got a human name?\n**Receptionist:** Jerry says that the ratings are starting to decline, and we're still struggling to attract female viewers —\n**Bobstein:** We're on a sports network!\n**Receptionist:** — so we need to pump up the romance.\n**Bobstein:** Romance? That's not what \"Neon Grasshopper\" is about!\n**Receptionist:** It is now. And that means characters who would have nothing to do with each other in real life —\n**Bobstein:** — will now hop into bed together.\n**Receptionist:** Speaking of illogic and discontinuity, to make room for the contrived and saccharine soap-operatic mush, we'll have to drop all the subplots and meta-themes you've been developing.\n**Bobstein:** Illogic and discontinuity? Sounds perfect for a woman.\n**Receptionist:** Great. I'll get to work. And my lawyer will call your lawyer about your last statement, unless you can say \"Ms. Executive Producer.\"\n**Bobstein:** \"Ms. Executive Producer.\"\n**Receptionist:** I love this town.\n\n**Post Season 3**\n\n**Bobstein:** Hello? Hello? Where did everyone go?\n**Network Exec:** Hey, Bob. Glad I caught you before I canceled you.\n**Bobstein:** You're canceling me? Why?\n**Network Exec:** Your ratings actually fell below those of the Connecticut State Lawn Bowling Championship and an infomercial for tongue scrapers.\n**Bobstein:** What about my rabid fanbase of hardcore scifi convention goers?\n**Network Exec:** Well, their email campaign to save the show was cute — I'm billing you for the crashed servers, by the way — but unless these geeks can clone themselves in about, oh, five minutes, their numbers wouldn't support a lemonade stand.\n**Bobstein:** You can't cancel me: I ended the season with a cliffhanger!\n**Network Exec:** Who doesn't end their season with a cliffhanger? Freakin' \"Two and a Half Men\" ends with cliffhangers: \"Will Charlie get back together with his ex?\"\n**Bobstein:** Hey, that was my cliffhanger, too.\n**Network Exec:** What a vision, Bob. Your show is set 500 years in the future and people still can't get over their relationship hang-ups. What, we don't have VR sex by then?\n**Bobstein:** You're the one who wanted more romance.\n**Network Exec:** I was chatting up your receptionist, not giving you notes.\n**Bobstein:** My own assistant deceived me!\n**Network Exec:** You're surprised? Were you ever really a corporate lawyer?\n**Bobstein:** Well, at least now I have time to develop \"Neon Grasshopper\" into a movie.\n**Network Exec:** Sorry, no can do. We own all the rights.\n**Bobstein:** Son of a — Wait, does that mean you're developing the \"Neon Grasshopper\" movie?\n**Network Exec:** C'mon, Bob, do you think we would let a hot scifi brand with a media-savvy fanbase just sit there completely ignored?\n**Bobstein:** Would you?\n**Network Exec:** Why, yes, yes we would.\n**Bobstein:** So it's really all over...\n**Network Exec:** Wake up, Bob. Time to die.\n**Bobstein:** You — you're inhuman. You're like an android, a replicant!\n**Network Exec:** Hate to break this to you, Bob, but so are you.\n**Bobstein:** I am?\n**Network Exec:** Bob, didn't you notice that you haven't had an original idea since Clinton was boffing interns in the Oval Office? Even then, most of your ideas were implants.\n**Bobstein:** Implants?\n**Network Exec:** Yeah, we found some inker at Marvel Comics and lifted his entire memory. We installed all his ideas into you, then we wiped his entire slate clean so there wouldn't be any trouble.\n**Bobstein:** That poor kid! What's he doing now?\n**Network Exec:** He's my boss. And I have drinks with him in half an hour.\n**Bobstein:** Um, before you go, did I mention that I've got an idea for another series?\n**Network Exec:** You do? What's it about?\n**Bobstein:** A network executive gets stranded on a deserted island with a group of sexy dental hygienists. I call it \"Flossed.\"\n**Network Exec:** I like it! It's so derivative, yet gratuitously offbeat! I gotta get it before Fox does. Walk me to my Porsche — you may be onto something...\n\n*Fade to black. Roll credits. Call my agent.*",
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      "body": "Thanks!",
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      "body": "Thank you. Your photos are great, by the way!",
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      "body": "Thanks! I regularly question my own decisions.",
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