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      "permlink": "steemitboard-notify-astrick-20191121t203233000z",
      "title": "",
      "body": "Congratulations @astrick! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@astrick/birthday2.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 2 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@astrick) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=astrick)_</sub>\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "author": "astrick",
      "permlink": "4ijqzs-monday",
      "title": "Monday......",
      "body": "@@ -52,39 +52,10 @@\n ders\n- as it always does %0AThis time t\n+%0AT\n o yo\n",
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      "body": "@@ -617,7 +617,19 @@\n ust%0A\n-N\n+Let me have n\n ow\n",
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      "title": "Words 4.8.19",
      "body": "So what am, I wonder?\nTo so many of you.\nThe pathetic needy one?\nBecause I’m here?\nTo have your back\nTo hold you down \nTo help you out.\nBecause I’m not like you all\nI’m not like this world.\nI can’t just decide I don’t care\nTrust me\nI wish I could\nForget you\nForget them\nForget it all\nI’m tired\nTired of being the one to always help\nTo always be the go to\nBecause I’ll never stop\nStop being the one to care\nStop being the one to offer support \nIn any way I can \nBecause I know what it’s like\nTo be gasping for air\nTrying to claw out if this pit\nAlone\nIn darkness \nIt’s my home now \nBut still I’m here\nFor you\nAll of you\nForgiving \nProtecting\nEncouraging \nBut what am I to you?",
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      "body": "@@ -131,18 +131,16 @@\n y breath\n-e \n %0ABut I c\n",
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      "title": "Monday......",
      "body": "Mid-day Monday \nSitting here at my desk\nMy mind wanders as it always does \nThis time to you \nI lose focus \nI can’t seem to catch my breathe \nBut I can feel you\nYour lips on my skin\nYour hands on my hips\nYour body pressed to mine\nI bite my lip\nI try to shake the image\nYour breath - hot on my neck\nYour hands in my hair\nMy legs wrapped around you\nI close my eyes \nTry to catch my breath\nI want you\nI know you cant promise me forever\nI know you need to figure your things out\nI want you now\nI want to feel you\nIn any way that I can\nJust give me right now\nTomorrow doesn’t matter\nWe’ll figure that out eventually\nPlease\nJust\nNow",
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      "title": "Wrong",
      "body": "You know that feeling that this isn’t the life you were made for?\nYou’re in the wrong space.\nYou’re in the wrong time. \nIt’s all just wrong. \nBut you can’t make the changes your soul needs. \nToo many people rely on you to live this life. \nThey need you to live this life.\nAnd every corner of your soul is suffocating. \nDreaming of something more. \nDesperately grasping at anything that feels like home. \nAnd most of that is wrong too.",
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      "body": "Thursday morning\n\nCoffee\n\nTraffic\n\nCigarette\n\nAnd all I can think of is you\n\nWondering if anyone will ever love me the way you did\n\nWondering if I’ve already used up all my great loves\n\nYou know the ones you feel all the way down to your toes?\n\nWe are all supposed to have 3 great loves.\n\nFirst when we’re young\n\nSecond is the hard one\n\nThird is the forever\n\nI remember the first\n\nThe second still hurts somedays\n\nThe third? I think that was you.\n\nAnd somehow I messed that up too.\n\nThursday morning\n\nCoffee\n\nCigarette\n\nMore traffic\n\nWhat if it maybe…\n\nJust maybe…\n\nCoffee\n\nCigarette\n\nJust flow freely forward\n\nAnd the third we’ll be there\n\nOr be there still",
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      "author": "astrick",
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      "title": "What If",
      "body": "What if I told you I don't want to be friends\nWhat if I told you that I can't\nWhat if I told you that I want you all the time\nWhat if I told you that I know it's too late\nWhat if I told you that I'm a class a fuck up and I know it\nWhat if I told you that I want it all\nWhat if I told you I want to hold you down while you're gone\nWhat if I told you I that I'm pretty sure it want to be Mrs. You\n\nWhat if you already know",
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      "author": "astrick",
      "permlink": "vckpa-remember",
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      "body": "I wish that I could remind you just how good we were\n\nI wish that I could remember myself\n\nI remember feeling safe\n\nI remember feeling warm\n\nI remember feeling\n\nI remember laughing\n\nLoving\n\nBut the truth of it is, I don’t remember us\n\nI remember you\n\nI remember wanting so much to be whole with you\n\nOnly I wasn’t whole myself\n\nI don’t know who I was then\n\nI tried so hard to find me with you\n\nBut I couldn’t\n\nI was so lost\n\nSo broken\n\nI feel so close to being me now\n\nBut I still don’t remember me with you\n\nI just remember you\n\nHow you looked at me like I was magic\n\nHow you held me close, with out judgment\n\nHow you could already see our forever\n\nBut I couldn’t see anything\n\nNot beyond the haze of hatred I felt for myself\n\nA hatred that was ingrained in my soul\n\nBy a now conquered source of pain\n\nBut it wasn’t me with you\n\nAnd I am so sorry\n\nAnd yet…\n\nYou\n\nI remember you\n\nI remember countless nights with you\n\nTangled up with you\n\nYou right beside me (inside me)\n\nI remember adventure\n\nI remember feeling happy\n\nI remember feeling protected\n\nI remember feeling loved\n\nI remember feeling\n\nI remember you",
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      "parent_permlink": "words",
      "author": "astrick",
      "permlink": "words-3-13-19",
      "title": "Words 3.13.19",
      "body": "Look, I know its none of my business who you do whatever with. I get that. I understand that. I don’t report to you any change in my relationships. (Which, by the way, are non-existent right now and you didn’t know that) But contrary to what you think, or the type of person you claim that I am, I do care. I don’t want you to be miserable (I’m not saying you are). I literally wish nothing for you but happiness. Yes, there is a large part of me that still wishes it was with me, but that isn’t feasible. We’re too different, we always have been, but the older we get, the harder it is to ignore those things. I get that too.  And this isn’t some attempt to try to start things up again, it’s just me being honest. That’s it. I hate that everything is separate. We’re both missing so many things with them and it breaks my heart. All the little silly as moments that the other isn’t there for. I know the ones that you’re missing, and I can only imagine the ones that I’m missing. I understand that this is all for the most part the healthier option for everyone involved but somedays it still sucks. I hate that you don’t want to tell me whats going on with you and your family, like we’re just some strangers on the street. It hurts a part of my soul that I didn’t expect to still give a damn. You know?  And maybe it’s the wedding that I just went to, or maybe it’s something that I’ve just been ignoring. Hell, maybe it’s both. Long story short, I just want you to know that I do care. I care about you, your family, if you’re okay, if they’re okay. You guys might not always be my favorite people but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. I know I say I don’t care, but not I don’t mean it in the sense that you are assuming. I mean more as in, that’s fine, or it doesn’t bother me, or something along those lines. Sometimes the I don’t care takes place of all the things I really do care about, but I know I’m not supposed to anymore, so its easier to tell you that I don’t care then a fight starting over something that I can’t change regardless. You know? Last thing is that I want you to know that I have your back, I know you don’t believe me, and that you don’t need me to, but I want you to know that I do. The only that comes before that is me and the kids. I know that sounds selfish, but I need to have my back before I have yours. I don’t know if that makes sense, but at this point it’s me vs. the world, so I need to make sure I’m good, so that I can make sure they are. And yes, it’s a slower process for me than it was for you, but as always I’m working on it. I think I’ll always be a work in progress.",
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      "amount": "0.001 STEEM",
      "memo": "BuildTeam is proud to announce the release of DLease.io - our flagship P2P leasing marketplace app, aimed at assisting Steemians in leasing and delegating STEEM POWER for daily passive returns, with recent yields as high as 20% APR. DLease.io is a professional grade app , designed to replace the current MinnowBooster.net leasing market which has to date facilitated nearly 20 Million STEEM POWER in lease value to happy BuildTeam customers. View the new app at https://dlease.io/ or read the announcement post on https://steemit.com/@dlease."
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      "body": "Hello @astrick! This is a friendly reminder that you have 3000 Partiko Points unclaimed in your Partiko account!\n\nPartiko is a fast and beautiful mobile app for Steem, and it’s the most popular Steem mobile app out there! Download Partiko using the link below and login using SteemConnect to claim your 3000 Partiko points! You can easily convert them into Steem token!\n\nhttps://partiko.app/referral/partiko",
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      "body": "Congratulations @astrick! You have completed the following achievement on the Steem blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/60x70/http://steemitboard.com/@astrick/posts.png?201902080602</td><td>You published more than 50 posts. Your next target is to reach 60 posts.</td></tr>\n</table>\n\n<sub>_[Click here to view your Board](https://steemitboard.com/@astrick)_</sub>\n<sub>_If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word_ `STOP`</sub>\n\n\nTo support your work, I also upvoted your post!\n\n\n> Support [SteemitBoard's project](https://steemit.com/@steemitboard)! **[Vote for its witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1)** and **get one more award**!",
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      "body": "So I woke up wondering what the hell I'm so afraid of. I've lived hell. I've danced in the flames, and come out just fine on the other side. A few burns, yes, but still standing through it all. And you? You're not hell. You couldn't even compare. I wondered what you're afraid of. I wondered how I could calm that fear. Then I realized that those aren't my battles to fight. I can only fight my own demons. And the universe knows that I do, all day, every day a thousand times. I fight them for me, for my babies, for our happiness. And guess what darling, we want you to be part of that, but we'll be fine either way. And one last thought, I never took you for afraid. But it's becoming so clearly to me that your demons are scared of my flames.",
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      "body": "Yes, yes you are splendid. And since you likely won't read all of this anyway, fuck it, let's go for broke. I've been stuck on you for what? A year or so? And yes there was the whole ***** scenario, but why the hell do you think I ran to you through all of it? And after it, before the dust even settled? Since we were damn kids, ****, I've always carried you with me. And I couldn't even begin to tell you how or why. And yea there was a quarter million loves in between and I'm sure they'll be another quarter million (or more, who knows) because that's who I am. And the most ridiculous part is that I've never felt like I was in love with you, but I've always thought about you. When I was with ***. when I was with ****. When I was planning the wedding, I wondered if I should invite you. Mostly because I'm a ridiculous human I suppose. I don't know. But I know that we're pretty good together. At least to me. And yea, sure there is fuck ton of shit about us that doesn't make any sense, and contradicts the other one, but so what? Not everything is supposed to be easy. You know that. And most things that are hard are the things that are worth it. And okay, so I'm crazy and irrational and fairly spontaneous which completely contradicts your safety zone of logic and planning and all that shit, but I'm fucking fantastic. And I'm (mostly) fun. And I'm caring and concerned. And I love hard and fierce because I don't know any safer or saner way. And I stress out easily, sure, but then I still handle my shit. It's not like I just completely crumble and give up. I don't give up (duh) it's just not in me. And I want to fight with you  and for you. And for whatever us that could've been or could be. I want to be with you in every fucking sense of the word. Because, my god, it could be amazing. Or it could be a god damn shit show. Who knows? But I'm willing to take the chance. But hey, what do I know? I've always been too.... I dunno... careless/fearless whatever word I don't know. 🤷🏼‍♀️",
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      "body": "oh but that stupid grin. and that laugh. those eyes. those hands. and that hair... that god damned hair. that strength. that courage. that... oh whats the word? There is no word. It's just you. and fuck the way that I crave it.  crave you in every way. I want to wrap my soul around you and live in your peace. to feel your skin on mine. your hand in mine. your lips with mine.  my god, this way that I crave you... so intense... so consuming.... distracting... fuck i want you.",
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      "body": "All she wanted was someone to stay. Someone who wasn't afraid. Someone who could love her scars. Who could help heal the open wounds. She didn't want someone to save her. She wasn't so much the damsel in distress type. She was the, \"I'll get through it, but could you hold my hand?\" type. She was never the type they thought she was. She was loud and bold and in your face, and anything but afraid. She wanted to be afraid. Oh, how she wanted to be. If she was afraid, they wouldn't get in so quickly. They wouldn't be able to hurt her the way they did.  She wanted to run from the idea of love and togetherness, and midnight kisses, and random dancing. But she craved it. She craved some one who wouldn't run from her darkness. Someone who could see through the pain, and understand how hard she was trying.  She wanted... no she needed someone who could understand that certain words to her were like nails on a chalkboard. But she would accept some of them if you needed her too. She wanted someone who wasn't always trying to change her.  Not that she didn't want to change, but somethings can't be forced. She wanted someone who didn't always try to tell her what she means, but could see her struggling over the words, and would hand her a pen to help let them out. She wanted to be afraid to love. She wanted to be afraid to hurt. But her desire, her hope, for something real... it was stronger than fear.",
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      "body": "He said he loved her passion. He said that it was one of his favorite things about her. And she loved that someone did. But she started to wonder if he knew what that meant. Or if he was just now figuring that part out and that's why it all seemed weird now. Maybe he didn't realize that her passion was more than songs and movies and quotes and all the silly things that mad her who she was. Maybe it was the passion for the other things that he didn't know was there. The pieces that made everyone else run away too. Maybe he figured out that she  was just too intense and she wanted just too much. Maybe it was her passionate hatred of certain words. Maybe it was passionate love for others. Maybe it was the way she squealed when something made her excited. Maybe it was the way she panicked when something seemed to go wrong. Maybe it was exactly what he thought he loved that is scaring him away.",
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      "body": "i have this incredible ache in my chest. i have no idea where it's originating from. is it the ache of all the what should have/could have/would have beens? or is it an ache for something new? am i missing someone? am i wanting someone? it's a strange ache. and empty hollow kind of ache. a quiet ache. with no real designation or design. just this ache. this awful consuming ache. and then i think of you. and then i know.",
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      "body": "And this. It's old and it's new. And I don't know what it is. And I don't think it is. But I think I want this. And I don't know if you do. And this vibe is so familiar, it's like a favorite song. And I love the way it feels. And I don't know how to say it. I don't know the right words. And I'm afraid of your response. And I'm afraid of losing you. And I'm afraid of not saying anything.",
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      "body": "i want to tell you that i think you're stupid. i want to tell you that you're wasting your time with her. because sooner or later you'll realize that it's not her after all. and that she doesn't love you like i do. but i can't do that. i can't say that. because what if she does. what if she loves you harder, stronger? then i'm just an asshole that wasn't supportive of your happiness. \n\ni hate wanting you happy. especially since that happiness makes me want to die right now. crushes my entire soul. i think all thats left is ashes of it anyway. but it's fine. i'll be fine. i know this. it just feels like an endless pit of despair.  \n\ni just want to be happy.",
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