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| comment | | "parent_author":"",<br>"parent_permlink":"absurdism",<br>"author":"martypickles",<br>"permlink":"the-testimony-of-charles-mathis",<br>"title":"The Testimony of Charles Mathis",<br>"body":"Testimony of: MATHIS,<br> CHARLES\nCase No.: 4652201\nDate: 4\/24\/2018\n \nI just forgot is all. It was blown way out of proportion,<br> but when I turn it over every which way in my mind\u2014as in any time something is troubling me\u2014it always comes out that I simply forgot. Such a lovely lamp\u2026 such a shame.\n \n\u201cTell us what happened,<br> Mr. Mathis.\u201d\n \nIt was a rainy Tuesday in the fall. The kind of rainy Tuesday in the fall that is somehow colder than when it snows. Snow just blows all over the place and nips at your nose and fingers while you\u2019re outside,<br> but a cold rain storm will soak through your clothes and ruin your whole day. I suppose there\u2019s some science somewhere that explains that idea or debunks it or something,<br> but who am I to say so? I was never too good at school,<br> and now I\u2019m nothing but a lousy\u2026 well,<br> I guess you\u2019d call me a stoner.\nI have no problem with that word,<br> or any word for that matter\u2014people can make words into terrible,<br> monstrous things nowadays\u2014though I\u2019m not unaware of the connotations that come with it. Forgetful. Lazy. Complacent. Slow. A leach to the greater society. Someone who makes plenty of messes and always needs someone to clean them up for him. And you know what? 99.9% of the time,<br> you\u2019d be right to assume that. But this time? This time I just forgot is all.\nIt was a rainy Tuesday in the fall. Rainy enough and cold enough to keep me inside the whole day with the blinds down,<br> and as such,<br> I spent my time enjoying a sampling of various cartoons and cereals. Around 1,<br> my eyes began to get sore,<br> and when I checked them in the mirror,<br> they were bloodshot,<br> which would be ordinary enough\u2014red eyes being a side-effect of my medicine\u2014had I taken any.\nIt must have been that damned TV. The light from the TV was frying my eyes,<br> and the programs were frying my mind! All those damned shows do is pander to the lowest common denominator; god forbid they make you think or do anything short of melting into your lazy boy. Yeah,<br> I turned off the TV for the day. \u2018My eyes will thank me,<br>\u2019 I figured. \u2018And future me will thank me,<br> for the prudent consideration I had for my brain. In fact,<br> why don\u2019t I read a magazine? That will be grand. I have some fine magazines kept in a box in the basement. Some light reading will not only relieve my tired eyes; it will stimulate my tired brain!\u2019 So I retired to the basement and,<br> as you can see,<br> my intentions were of the most genuine caliber. I just meant to read a little! I never meant for anybody to get hurt,<br> let alone killed.\n \n\u201cJust continue with the events of the day,<br> Mr. Mathis. What happened in the basement?\u201d\n \nWell,<br> I sat down in my big bean bag chair and pulled out my favorite magazine\u2014\n \n\u201cWhich was?\u201d\n \n\u2026 I forget. But I remember,<br> as I was rubbing some lotion on my hands\u2014you see the basement air gets very dry,<br> and I don\u2019t like to lick my fingers every time I\u2019m turning the page\u2014I noticed that my tissue box was empty. I like to keep tissues near in case my nose runs or\u2014\n \n\u201cMr. Mathis.\u201d\n \nRight,<br> right. Well when I refilled the tissues and turned my lamp\u2014which really was a lovely lamp\u2014on to\u2026 read,<br> it looked right at me,<br> looked me straight in the face,<br> and said,<br> \u2018No fuckin way,<br> dude.\u2019\n \n\u201cExcuse me?\u201d\n \nHand to god,<br> that\u2019s what it said.\n \n\u201cDoes this lamp have a history of talking back?\u201d\n \nNot at all! It was always such a good lamp. It was the only light in the basement,<br> you see,<br> so I think it must\u2019ve just been stressed from working all the time. Work,<br> I\u2019ve found,<br> doesn\u2019t always \u2018set you free,<br>\u2019 as our Commander and Chief would have us believe. This lamp was just overworked is all.\n \n\u201cAre you saying that you do not feel America has been made great again,<br> Mr. Mathis?\u201d\n \nNo sir,<br> of course not. I was just trying to\u2014\n \n\u201cAnd what did you do when the lamp refused to turn on?\u201d\n \nWell,<br> we had a bit of an argument,<br> I must admit. It was nothing at first. I asked it,<br> what did it mean? And it said,<br> it meant what it said; and that I should find myself another lamp pal,<br> \u2018cause it wasn\u2019t going to light up anything I was doing in my beanbag chair. And I said to it,<br> buddy,<br> you\u2019re my lamp,<br> you can\u2019t choose not to turn on if I say to,<br> and I asked it what good is a lamp that won\u2019t turn on. Well,<br> that got it angry,<br> and it yelled at me. It yelled that it didn\u2019t know and it didn\u2019t care,<br> but what it did know was that it wasn\u2019t turning on. And this,<br> sir,<br> is where I believe I should accept some responsibility.\n \n\u201cResponsibility for what,<br> Mr. Mathis?\u201d\n \nWell,<br> this is where I forgot.\n \n\u201cForgot what?\u201d\n \nWell,<br> its going to sound silly,<br> but\u2026 I forgot\u2014I forgot how dangerous a lamp can be!\n \n\u201cMr. Mathis,<br> you understand our skepticism. I mean,<br> really. To forget how dangerous a lamp can be? That\u2019s not something that casually slips someone\u2019s mind.\u201d\n \nBut it did! Besides,<br> it was always a good,<br> respectable lamp to me. This was the first outburst from a lamp I\u2019d ever encountered. I guess it must have had faulty wiring,<br> but I don\u2019t know how that stuff works.\n \n\u201cDid it attack you?\u201d\n \nNo! I wish. Then I would\u2019ve known not to do what I did.\n \n\u201cYou freed it.\u201d\n \nWell what use did it have to me? It could suddenly decide if it wanted to turn on or off! If I wanted to convince something to do what I wanted,<br> I\u2019d talk to a person. But that\u2019s not what lamps are! That\u2019s why they have switches!\n \n\u201cAnd you never tried to reorient your lamp? To correct its behavior?\u201d\n \nNo,<br> I told you,<br> I don\u2019t know anything about how lamps work.\n \n\u201cWell,<br> Mr. Mathis,<br> two people are dead,<br> and your lamp killed them.\u201d\n \nOh,<br> god!\n \n\u201cYou are,<br> of course,<br> not guilty of those murders directly,<br> but you will have to pay grievance fees for your neglectful actions.\u201d\n \nOf course I will. Those poor people!\n \n\u201cThat is all,<br> Mr. Mathis. Good day.\u201d\n \nAnd the lamp?\n \n\u201cWhat of it?\u201d\n \nWhat will happen to it?\n \n\u201cThe scrapyard will take care of it,<br> salvage the parts that still work,<br> reuse them in new lamps,<br> and toss the parts that don\u2019t.\u201d\n \nI feel so responsible for all this. Can I see it before it goes?\n\n\u201cIts already gone,<br> Mr. Mathis. Good day.\u201d",<br>"json_metadata":" \"tags\":[\"absurdism\",<br>\"americanidentity\",<br>\"shortstory\",<br>\"crime\",<br>\"racerelations\" " | | vote | "voter":"martypickles",
"author":"martypickles",
"permlink":"the-testimony-of-charles-mathis",
"weight":10000 |
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