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      "body": "Congratulations @insaneroots! You received a personal award!\n\n<table><tr><td>https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@insaneroots/birthday3.png</td><td>Happy Birthday! - You are on the Steem blockchain for 3 years!</td></tr></table>\n\n<sub>_You can view [your badges on your Steem Board](https://steemitboard.com/@insaneroots) and compare to others on the [Steem Ranking](https://steemitboard.com/ranking/index.php?name=insaneroots)_</sub>\n\n\n###### [Vote for @Steemitboard as a witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1) to get one more award and increased upvotes!",
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      "body": "Congratulations @insaneroots! You have received a personal award!\n\n[![](https://steemitimages.com/70x70/http://steemitboard.com/@insaneroots/birthday2.png)](http://steemitboard.com/@insaneroots)  2 Years on Steemit\n<sub>_Click on the badge to view your Board of Honor._</sub>\n\n\n**Do not miss the last post from @steemitboard:**\n[SteemitBoard and the Veterans on Steemit - The First Community Badge.](https://steemit.com/veterans/@steemitboard/steemitboard-and-the-veterans-on-steemit-the-first-community-badge)\n\n> Do you like [SteemitBoard's project](https://steemit.com/@steemitboard)? Then **[Vote for its witness](https://v2.steemconnect.com/sign/account-witness-vote?witness=steemitboard&approve=1)** and **get one more award**!",
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      "body": "Have you ever wondered why people do the sometimes seemingly stupid things they do? I am sure we all have.\n\nHonestly, I think the majority of people are clueless as to the why themselves. I look at people sometimes and think to myself, \"wow, you have no idea how much of a mess you really are\". And coming from me that is not a shallow observation. I am a mess in a lot of aspects, but then again, I think we all are in some ways.\n\nWhat sets us apart from the herd is the awareness of it.\n\nFor a long time, I expended great effort hiding my imperfections from the world until one day I realized by doing so I was hindering myself from the creative insanity that I was blessed with.\n\nI began opening up more and more about the wars going on in my head, until I began to feel comfortable going out into the world uncloaked.\n\nI no longer needed the mask of sanity I had worn for so many years, because I have finally reached a point where I just didn't care anymore about keeping up appearances.\n\nWhich I apparently did very well considering several of my closest friends had no idea I even battled with depression, let alone that I was bi-polar. I was diagnosed with mild cases of both, in addition to social anxiety when I was in college.\n\nBy my 3rd year, my anxiety had gotten so bad that I couldn't even answer a question in class with out turning bright red & fumbling over my words until I was almost in tears.\n\nMy boyfriend at the time knew how I felt about therapy, so he never pushed it on me. Instead, he did his best to be supportive and ensure we had a steady supply of self-medication on hand. Mostly for me, but I am sure it helped him to keep his cool when dealing with Tiffany's seemingly un-provoked moments of mania.\n\nSmoking weed mellowed me out and alcohol numbed the pain, but eventually neither of those helped and I knew it was time to talk to someone. By that time, I had switched my major to Psychology and it didn't take a genius to realize that there was something majorly wrong.\n\nObviously, the depression wasn't a surprise to me as I had dealt with that for as far back as I can remember. The worst was in high school after my mom disappeared and shortly after I went through the common right of passage for any teenager, losing my first love.\n\nAll I remember from that time is feeling alone. No matter where I was or who I was with, it was always like I was more of an observer than an active participant in my own life. I hated myself, my life and at one point tried to make it all go away.\n\nThat is not something many people know and a weakness I was ashamed to admit I almost gave into.\n\nAs you all know, my grandfather and I were extremely close. You see, it was he who saved me.\n\nThere I was, laying in my bed, about to down the rest of a bottle of painkillers I stole from my grandmother and something told him to come upstairs and check on me. If he hadn't, I may not be here today.\n\nThe other time I seriously considered leaving this world was in Seattle.\n\nIt was after I had been sexually assaulted in my apartment, something else very few people know about me.\n\nAt the time, it was the only way I could see to end the pain that had became my existence. If it had not been for the one person who was present that night, I again may not be here today.\n\nWhen I opened the door to my bedroom, I had full intention of running a bath and making my exit, but something made me walk to the living room instead.\n\nMy friend, sleeping soundly on the couch awoke to an ever spiraling Tiffany sitting on the floor next to him. I had tapped on his shoulder, waited for him to awake and with tears rolling down my face I asked if he would hold me. Just for a moment, I wanted to feel like I wasn't alone in this world.\n\nWithout question, he opened his arms and in a welcoming embrace, he held me through the night. I owe him my life. When everyone else brushed me aside, he was there to help me pick up the pieces and put my life back together.\n\nI love that man in ways no one will understand.\n\nTalk about a true friend and one that sadly I never truly appreciated back then. I think part of it was that I didn't want to be reminded of that time in my life, the time I almost gave up, and so unknowingly I pushed him away as a way of burying the past.\n\nLooking back, I think I was frightened by our friendship. For someone who tried to hide her true self from the world, the fact that someone knew me so deeply terrified me.\n\nThere was only one other person with whom I shared such a connection with and even he never knew the gravity of the emotional issues I struggled with, but I had been in love with him since I was 18 years old, so baring all could have meant losing him and that was simply not a chance I was willing to take. And therefore, there was always this % of myself I kept hidden, even from him.\n\nI realize now that I was going about all of this in the completely wrong manner. The more you try to please the world by fitting in the box labeled normal, the more you lose yourself.\n\nMy depression wasn't really something I talked about openly because I thought of it as a disability, but it's not.\n\nA friend of mine described it quiet well.  He explained, after the darkness, everything seems to shine brighter. It is where we draw our creativity and in many cases our strength to manage our way through the next manic episode.\n\nSpiraling out  as we call it is like riding out a wave. If you fight it, you are working against the natural course of nature and may end up stuck beneath the undertow.\n\nWhere we are doomed to repeat the cycle over and over again until one day it breaks us.\n\nBrave are the ones who are not afraid to admit that they have been weak. To be weak is to be human and it is what allows us to grow.\n\nBy masking ourselves from those around us, we are doing a great disservice to ourselves and halting the potential be extraordinary.\n\nFor we are the dangerously creative, our madness a gift and the world our canvas.\n\n    \"Wear your tragedies as armor, not shackles.\"  - Anonymous",
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      "body": "I noticed something about myself recently. A confirmation that I have made great strides on this journey of reconnecting with myself and others.\n\nI would like to share my experience in the hopes that it may be helpful to anyone who has ever felt lost.\n\nWhat I noticed was that I have been able to consistently be at peace with where I am in any given moment. I allow myself to feel, but then to let go. I have found a love for myself that is nurturing and safe. Alleviating the need to constantly search for it in something or someone else. In times of sorrow, I reflect. In times of anger, I reflect.\n\nAnd in times of joy and peace, I savor.\n\nIt has allowed me to fill my mind with appreciation. Appreciation that holds me together during times of hurt and disappointment. Appreciation that helps me grow in those moments of reflection.\n\nIt brings me to a peaceful state of gratitude. Where I stand strong and ready to move forward.\n\nAs a result, I have found that people's opinions no longer carry such a hefty weight. Sure I value them and take them to heart, but in the end any decision I make will be mine alone.\n\nInstead of spending all day on the phone asking people what I should do about something, I ask a few in my inner circle for their thoughts, ponder them for a while and then when the time is right I go with the decision that best resonates with me.\n\nIt may sound like a simple, normal process to some, but for me it was not. I would over think every situation I was faced with. However big or small, I would over think it to death. Which meant I was always thinking about the fact that I had to make a decision about it and all the possible outcomes. I am pretty sure that is what they mean by driving oneself insane. I was on my way to crazy town thinking like that. Where is the joy in any of those moments?\n\nThat was the problem. After years and years of winding myself up into a state of exhaustion, I had slowly pushed away all my joy, all my peace of mind. I didn't know what was genuine anymore. I was physically present, but never really there. It is what eventually caused me to up root everything and move to Colorado.\n\nIt has been two years now and when I look back on that time, that person, well I don't know if I could even begin to explain it to you.\n\nBecoming aware of such a powerful shift in my consciousness was much like the Golden Buzzer on America's Got Talent...haha \n\nhttps://youtu.be/Xh6E5DwThzs\n\nThe scene goes in slow motion as you see the joy rise up in them as the confetti covers their face. Its that gasp for breath as they try to comprehend the gravity of what has just happened. All their hard work and dedication has lead up to that moment and in a split second their lives are changed.\n\nOnly this time its my Golden Buzzer...its my hard work and dedication that is changing my life, changing me for the better. :)\n\nNot very long ago I wrote to you about a challenge I had given myself after reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I decided to tackle the most challenging of the four: Don't Take Things Personally.\n\nFor along time this had been a major struggle in my life. Much to the point where it was turning me in to a recluse. My mind was always distracted from the moment at hand, thinking about what others may think of me, needing their approval. It made me so uncomfortable that I just stopped socializing.\n\nI remember one day in reconnecting with my uncle after many years, he made an observation that finally made me aware of the shift in myself that had taken place in my life (some time in college I'm guessing).\n\nWe were talking and I made the comment that I didn't go out much because I wasn't a social butterfly.\n\n\"What?! You have always been super social, what are you talking about?\"\n\nI was flooded with emotion. It was like this switch finally turned on a light inside of me that had been dormant for years. He was absolutely right. Back when we lived together (just after I graduated high-school) I was always out socializing. And I remember being pretty fearless. I was who I was and although I would adhere to social graces and common courtesy, I didn't really care that much about your opinion of me.\n\nHaving social anxiety was just the story that I had been telling myself over and over again for years. So long that there was no doubt in my mind that it was true. But it wasn't true.\n\nFor me, the cure for my anxiety was merely mastering a way to find peace in any circumstance no matter how uncomfortable. Surrendering to what is without losing sight of what is yet to come.\n\nWhen I learned to appreciate the excitement of life's challenges, I was able to be grateful for the experience. Because all those challenges and experiences are what makes me who I am.\n\nAnd that is exactly what was missing. For all these years, that something I had been searching for was me.",
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      "body": "Over the last few weeks I have really been trying to work on the timeline for the next book in the Insane Roots series. In recounting the early years I was blessed to have the assistance of family and friends in order to piece it all together.\nHowever, when my mother disappeared in 1996 she went off everyone's radar. She lived a multitude of lives during the time she was missing and unfortunately none of us really know what she was doing. This time marks the beginning of the next book, so you can see why I have been having trouble.\n\nThen I remembered a news article I found after the last time she was arrested. She had been missing for about four years when I received a notification that she was again in Federal custody.\n\n<a href=\"http://imgur.com/1CPZRMd\"><img src=\"http://i.imgur.com/1CPZRMd.jpg\" title=\"source: imgur.com\" /></a>\n\nhttp://www.messenger-index.com/news/federal-fugitive-arrested-in-emmett/article_f2f31d42-0d5c-11e0-a645-001cc4c03286.html\n\nAt the time she had 27 known aliases. Adding the newly added names in the last two years for a grand total of 31. \n\n31 one alternative lives that most of us knew nothing about. \n\nI figured that perhaps the best place to start would be to find a way to learn all 31 of her identities. My mother was always doing something illegal no matter what name she was using and if I could find a way to track this, it would be much easier to piece it all together.\n\nTime to play detective! \n\nSo far I have only found 10 of the 31, but even that has been eye opening. I won't give too much away, but let's just say, my mother was 'married' several times under several different names and has lived in almost every one of the continental United States. The more I travel down the rabbit hole, the more I am utterly fascinated by her \"talents\" for lack of a better word!\n\nIf anyone has any suggestions on search engines, please share! This is a big can of worms and I could use all the help I can get :)",
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